Edit - Ballad of the Wooden Pallet
#1
Ballad of the Wooden Pallet


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On a weedy Texas meadow
near the ruins of a barn
lies a pallet partly buried
resting by an oily tarn.

Wooden pallet, shipping pallet,
no one cares where you have been
made of oak or pine or cedar
from the land of yang and yin.

What did you bring, wooden pallet,
on your broad and trusty back?
Was it toys or electronics
or green tea by gunnysack?

Wooden pallet, muddy pallet,
was your journey long and rough
to bring young Americanoes
Vietnamese or Chinese stuff?

As you lie there, wooden pallet,
dreaming of their leaves of jade,
do the trees you grew on whisper
of when they were felled and flayed?

Wooden pallet, widely traveled
over sea and over land,
now you’re empty and discarded
and your trees no longer stand.

Empty pallet, wooden pallet
left unwanted in the mire,
no one bothers to return you
or to burn your boards with fire.

Wooden pallet, you have served us
and your pension is to lie
in the mud and sun and weather
as the days and months run by.

If you’re buried, wooden pallet
sealed by fungicidal mists,
you may surface ages later
dug by archaeologists.

Then they’ll wonder, unearthed pallet,
at the prodigalities
of their ancestors who buried
pallets sawn from vanished trees.

Wooden pallet, shipping pallet
lying empty in the mud,
you’re the sign of peaceful trading
cash for goods, not blood for blood.

Bless you, empty wooden pallet
resting peaceful in the sun,
for your wood was never wasted
bearing goods, your rest is won!


Original;

By a weedy, ruddy hillside
near the ruins of a barn
lies a pallet partly buried
resting by an oily tarn.

Wooden pallet, shipping pallet,
no one cares where you have been
made of oak or pine or cedar
from the land of yang and yin.

What did you bring, wooden pallet,
on your broad and trusty back?
Was it toys or electronics
or black tea by gunnysack?

Wooden pallet, muddy pallet,
did you cross the stormy seas
to bring us Americanoes
Chinese toys, or Vietnamese?

As you lie there, wooden pallet,
dreaming of their leaves of jade,
do the trees you grew on whisper
of when they were felled and flayed?

Wooden pallet, widely traveled
over sea and over land,
now you’re empty and discarded
and your trees no longer stand.

Empty pallet, wooden pallet
left unwanted in the mire,
no one bothers to return you
or to burn your boards with fire.

Wooden pallet, you have served us
and your pension is to lie
in the mud and sun and weather
as the days and months run by.

If you’re buried, wooden pallet
sealed by fumigation mists,
you may surface ages later
dug by archaeologists.

Then they’ll wonder, unearthed pallet,
at the prodigalities
of their ancestors who buried
pallets sawn from vanished trees.

Wooden pallet, shipping pallet
lying empty in the mud,
you’re the sign of peaceful trading
cash for goods, not blood for blood.

Bless you, empty wooden pallet
resting peaceful in the sun,
for your wood was never wasted
bearing goods, your rest is won!




(Light verse, but audiences have liked this one.  The order of stanzas seems a bit arbitrary - I'm mainly interested in ideas on which should be moved or cut.  Though any other critiques are also welcome, of course.)
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#2
i know it's in mild crit but i found it too enjoyable to see much wrong with it.

Chinese toys, or Vietnamese?

the above didn't work meter-wise, other than that i found it to be a light heart piece of poetry that made me smile and to some extent see pallets in a new light.
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#3
I enjoyed this exploration of the world of a pallet! A bit of a stretch to rhyme 'been' with 'yin' I thought. Smile
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#4
Hi, duke, lovely piece. The only thing that really shook me out of it was china/vietnam. The barn is in ruins and the pallet buried, seems more of the japan/europe import days. Japanese would also suit meterwise better than vietnamese.

I especially like the pallet dreaming of its leaves, I think the poems real strength lies here. I also like the idea of future generations wondering about it.

The opening seemed a little stilted, over modified at first but then it took off so nicely I don't mind it now. Yes, yang and yin a bit of a force, I think I've done that too. Big Grin

Thanks for the read, good morning. Smile
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#5
I always thought that China wasn't a big black tea exporter. It's India and Sri Lanka.
Chinese toys or Vietnanese worked well for me. The labour intensive low tech toys sector is particularly apt for Vietnam
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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#6
(05-07-2016, 12:02 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Ballad of the Wooden Pallet






(Light verse, but audiences have liked this one.  The order of stanzas seems a bit arbitrary - I'm mainly interested in ideas on which should be moved or cut.  Though any other critiques are also welcome, of course.)

I must say, this was very enjoyable. What a subject choice. I'm not leaving critique or anything, just letting you know job well done  Thumbsup
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#7
Having been passed by the heavy hitters,  stet on the verse structure Smile  .

-- Multiple hits on "Vietnamese."  To me, unlike "Vietnam" which is always ./  , "Vietnamese" can be

../

(which is the bad meter you're hearing) or

/./ 

which is what I was thinking, depending on surrounding words.  @ellajam may have the best solution, changing to "Japanese."  Looking for trading partners present which were enemies past and (it seems some days) future, I naturally picked "my" war.

-- Split decision on been/yin.  Nothing in English is actually going to ryhme with the tonal yin properly pronounced, but I plead dialect:  in my part of the US, "been" rhymes with "sin" rather than "keen."  So stet on "been" for now - it would almost be easier to replace (or transpose?) "yang and yin," then work backward.

-- @ellajam, yes, V1 smells of the lamp.  I think it's mostly the very first line, which, frankly, stinks.  I need to come up with something simple and descriptive - shoot, it doesn't even have to rhyme Big Grin  just set the scene and cadence strongly.

-- @Achebe, darn, I looked up the types of wood but not the type of tea.  I drink mainly white, chamomile, or lapsang souchong, myself, but "green" would seem to be indicated here.  Moral:  If you're going to insert irrelevant details for versimilitude, Get Them Right.

Thanks to all.  I'll wait a day or two for further critiques, then post an edit.
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#8
i think the chinese line didn't work for me was because the same line in the other verses start with a soft sil. okay in some it starts with a hard sil. after reding it another 5 or 6 times it could me who isn't working but i do still stall on it for some reason.
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#9
Ha, "my" war is the same as yours but we spend some time poking around old barns and the best finds tend to be Japanese and European toys and china from about 1910-1960. Don't judge, it's a cheap date.  Hysterical

If I was writing I would probably think ././ but I say .../ , the problem may be the "toys or" before it.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#10
Edit

On a weedy Texas meadow
near the ruins of a barn
lies a pallet partly buried
resting by an oily tarn.

Wooden pallet, shipping pallet,
no one cares where you have been
made of oak or pine or cedar
from the land of yang and yin.

What did you bring, wooden pallet,
on your broad and trusty back?
Was it toys or electronics
or green tea by gunnysack?

Wooden pallet, muddy pallet,
was your journey long and rough
to bring young Americanoes
Vietnamese or Chinese stuff?

As you lie there, wooden pallet,
dreaming of their leaves of jade,
do the trees you grew on whisper
of when they were felled and flayed?

Wooden pallet, widely traveled
over sea and over land,
now you’re empty and discarded
and your trees no longer stand.

Empty pallet, wooden pallet
left unwanted in the mire,
no one bothers to return you
or to burn your boards with fire.

Wooden pallet, you have served us
and your pension is to lie
in the mud and sun and weather
as the days and months run by.

If you’re buried, wooden pallet
sealed by fungicidal mists,
you may surface ages later
dug by archaeologists.

Then they’ll wonder, unearthed pallet,
at the prodigalities
of their ancestors who buried
pallets sawn from vanished trees.

Wooden pallet, shipping pallet
lying empty in the mud,
you’re the sign of peaceful trading
cash for goods, not blood for blood.

Bless you, empty wooden pallet
resting peaceful in the sun,
for your wood was never wasted
bearing goods, your rest is won!



This edit addresses all the critiques except "been," discussed ultra.  You find people in Texas who pronounce it "ben," and in nearby Oklahoma it can be "beeen" (but those guys also say "rooeeened" for "ruined).

I hope this edit simplifies V1 sufficiently by deflating L1.  (Yes, I've always wanted to use the word "tarn" publicly - curse you, E.A.P!)

The next-best version of V4 was
Quote:Wooden pallet, muddy pallet,
was your journey rough and long
to bring us Americanoes
toys from Shanghai or Haiphong?

but "toys" is problematic (reads poorly after "Americanoes")  and it's probably no longer common knowledge that Haiphong is the port of Hanoi, or how to pronounce it (or that Hanoi is the capital of Vietnam, for that matter).  In addition, "us Americanoes," while grammatically correct, feels ignorant somehow.

Thanks again to the critics, particularly @ellajam for targeting "toys" and @billy for the news that L4 isn't trochaic (surprised me, but it's true)!
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