The Graduate

[RiverNotch]

The Graduate


And here I am, standing on the precipice,
alone. The view behind me
is the same as the view before: cloud, the wind
sweeping away all footprints.
I am cold -- blue -- battered --
all my clothes now torn, tattered,
and my digits made few -- as if
I were made old by youth.

And here you tell me
the only climb that's left
goes down?

The Graduate


And here I am, standing on the precipice,
alone. The view behind me
is the same as the view before: cloud, the wind
sweeping away all footprints.
I am cold -- blue -- battered --
all my clothes now torn, tattered,
and my digits made few -- as if
I were made old by youth.

And here you tell me
only the downward trail
remains?

The Graduate


And here I am, standing on the edge,
alone. The view behind me
is the same as the view before: cloud, the wind
sweeping away all footprints.
I am cold -- blue -- battered --
all my clothes now torn, tattered,
and my digits made few -- as if
I were made old by youth.

And here you tell me
the only road remaining
runs down?

[kolemath]

Nice work river. I'm not sure edge works as roads are referred later.i love the lines on footprints and youth. What does someone say to all this? Another stanza?

[RiverNotch]

Thanks! You're right about edge, I think. The earlier draft was precipice, but now I'm torn between that and the more correct summit....and I'm not entirely sure about the construction of the last stanza....thoughts?

[Achebe]

Thanks! You're right about edge, I think. The earlier draft was precipice, but now I'm torn between that and the more correct summit....and I'm not entirely sure about the construction of the last stanza....thoughts?

If there's a road, there's no reason for your clothes to be tattered unlesss you rolled your way up. 'Track' would be a better word.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks! You're right about edge, I think. The earlier draft was precipice, but now I'm torn between that and the more correct summit....and I'm not entirely sure about the construction of the last stanza....thoughts?

If there's a road, there's no reason for your clothes to be tattered unlesss you rolled your way up. 'Track' would be a better word.

Maybe trail? -- and a wholesale reconstruction. Also, I wonder if I turned this into an ekphrasis.....there's this David-Friedrich painting I'm somehow reminded of by this thing. I'll try it -- edited above.

---

Although perhaps the image approaches melodrama....

[Achebe]

Thanks! You're right about edge, I think. The earlier draft was precipice, but now I'm torn between that and the more correct summit....and I'm not entirely sure about the construction of the last stanza....thoughts?

If there's a road, there's no reason for your clothes to be tattered unlesss you rolled your way up. 'Track' would be a better word.

Maybe trail? -- and a wholesale reconstruction. Also, I wonder if I turned this into an ekphrasis.....there's this David-Friedrich painting I'm somehow reminded of by this thing. I'll try it -- edited above.

---

Although perhaps the image approaches melodrama....

Isn't that Shelley contemplating the Alps? Very upper class English 19rh century. Torn clothes, even while out hiking, would be an abominable thought. Nope.

[RiverNotch]

If there's a road, there's no reason for your clothes to be tattered unlesss you rolled your way up. 'Track' would be a better word.

Maybe trail? -- and a wholesale reconstruction. Also, I wonder if I turned this into an ekphrasis.....there's this David-Friedrich painting I'm somehow reminded of by this thing. I'll try it -- edited above.

---

Although perhaps the image approaches melodrama....

Isn't that Shelley contemplating the Alps? Very upper class English 19rh century. Torn clothes, even while out hiking, would be an abominable thought. Nope.

thus snipped away. apparently, the picture is used in publications of the romantics (as if all romantic paintings dealt with the same subjects....*squints at all those damn pre-raphaelite ophelias*), so i suppose the misconception is developed. nay, 'tis german -- and at this point, no longer germane? another pun forced.

---

and as for torn clothes, i'm still on the fence as to whether that's a point of emphasis, or a point of melodrama, so yeah. i see where you're getting at, though.

[kolemath]

[quote='RiverNotch' pid='218314' dateline='1476108850']
The Graduate


And here I am, standing on the precipice, precipice is better for the front behind image
alone. The view behind me
is the same as the view before: cloud, the wind
sweeping away all footprints.
I am cold -- blue -- battered -- to me these words are more melodramatic than torn clothes
all my clothes now torn, tattered,
and my digits made few -- as if
I were made old by youth. Drop 'I were?'

And here you tell me
only the downward trail climb? Clothes can tare when rock climbing. Perhaps descent?
remains?

Maybe end with down or whichever word you choose. ..the only climb that's left is down...something like that

[RiverNotch]

I'm still not very sure about that last stanza, but still -- thus edited according to kolemath's suggestion. Starting to think melodrama isn't a very bad thing for this, and I do like the rhythm of the first stanza's last line, so those stay. Thanks for the feedback!

[kolemath]

Maybe it doesn't work but jump would satisfy melodrama and fit the realization of doom in s3. Maybe that's too much for the poem though