Habits (revision3)

[RC James]

Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
she mumbles: sickbabyrealsick,
gottoseeTonynow.   

Her eyes roll and vibrate,
as she spins out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her while she unfurls.

Pencil thin arms and legs,
flailing, obscure her figure.  
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door, and is in the wind.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.




Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
she mumbles: sickbabyrealsick,
gottoseeTonynow.   

Her eyes roll and vibrate,
as she spins out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her while she unfurls.

Pencil thin arms and legs,
flailing, obscure her figure.  
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door,
and is in the wind.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.








Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
“I’m sick baby, real sick,
got to see Tony now.”

Her eyes roll and vibrate,
as she spins out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her
while she unfurls.

Pencil thin arms and legs,
flailing, obscure her figure.  
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door,
and she’s in the wind.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.





(original)
Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
chasing that old habit 
we'd stored away with demons.

What remains of her willpower 
spins her out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her as she unfurls.

Pencil thin arms and legs 
punctuate her furious craving. 
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door we know as death.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.

[Achebe]

Hi James. The lines are quite nice, but the poem as a whole is unintelligible. You need to throw in some hints for the reader, otherwise it's a nice, impenetrable poem.

1. Storing away Stephanie's old habits with demons may mean something to you, but not to the reader. If you throw in a line like that and never come back to it, it's frustrating.
2. Until the end I don't know whether Stephanie is a madwoman, a ghost, a cat, a bird, an AIDS victim, ot the cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. Or a combination of these. It's not the sort of ambiguity that is enjoyable, it just feels like the writer forgot that there was a reader.
3. The simile at the end is nice in isolation, but in the context of the rest of the poem, leaves me no wiser.
4. The high watermark of vagueness is reached in L12

[RC James]

Hi James. The lines are quite nice, but the poem as a whole is unintelligible. You need to throw in some hints for the reader, otherwise it's a nice, impenetrable poem.

1. Storing away Stephanie's old habits with demons may mean something to you, but not to the reader. If you throw in a line like that and never come back to it, it's frustrating.
2. Until the end I don't know whether Stephanie is a madwoman, a ghost, a cat, a bird, an AIDS victim, ot the cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. Or a combination of these. It's not the sort of ambiguity that is enjoyable, it just feels like the writer forgot that there was a reader.
3. The simile at the end is nice in isolation, but in the context of the rest of the poem, leaves me no wiser.
4. The high watermark of vagueness is reached in L12

Stephanie obviously lives with the guy who is also addicted, they've obviously been though some hard times together, like the old habit, that they'd given up and stored in the closet with other demons they tried to drop and do away with. The poem is, again, obviously about drug addiction, and the lines in that context become, again, obvious.  I think yoiu're being aggressively facetious in your listing of who Stephanie might be, really kinda.....  The ending is, again, obvious, in the context of drug addiction, the narrator is drawn into the "old habit"as he watches her head for the dealer's corner. I'm not going to expand on the content because, again, it's obvious. RC

[Achebe]

Hi James. The lines are quite nice, but the poem as a whole is unintelligible. You need to throw in some hints for the reader, otherwise it's a nice, impenetrable poem.

1. Storing away Stephanie's old habits with demons may mean something to you, but not to the reader. If you throw in a line like that and never come back to it, it's frustrating.
2. Until the end I don't know whether Stephanie is a madwoman, a ghost, a cat, a bird, an AIDS victim, ot the cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. Or a combination of these. It's not the sort of ambiguity that is enjoyable, it just feels like the writer forgot that there was a reader.
3. The simile at the end is nice in isolation, but in the context of the rest of the poem, leaves me no wiser.
4. The high watermark of vagueness is reached in L12

Stephanie obviously lives with the guy who is also addicted, they've obviously been though some hard times together, like the old habit, that they'd given up and stored in the closet with other demons they tried to drop and do away with. The poem is, again, obviously about drug addiction, and the lines in that context become, again, obvious.  I think yoiu're being aggressively facetious in your listing of who Stephanie might be, really kinda.....  The ending is, again, obvious, in the context of drug addiction, the narrator is drawn into the "old habit"as he watches her head for the dealer's corner. I'm not going to expand on the content because, again, it's obvious. RC

I was not being facetious at all.
Once you've supplied the encryption key the message can be decoded.
It's quite a nice poem with that detail. Obvious only to those for whom drug addiction has at least middle of mind recall value, but you may want to keep it that way. 
If you don't, then changing the title to 'Addict' is an option but it does make things too obvious.

Let me try and re-read your poem in my newfound knowledge:


Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, ....this is probably why I got thrown off. The opening has a random action that can suggest other possibilities. If you begin with 'Chasing that old habit / we'd stored away with demons'...?
chasing that old habit 
we'd stored away with demons.

What remains of her willpower 
spins her out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her as she unfurls.

Pencil thin arms and legs 
punctuate her furious craving. ....not sure what this means. her arms might be punctured with needle marks that 'punctuate' her in a literal and metaphorical sense. However, I don't see how the arms and legs are punctuating anything - they are receiving the action. Unless you meant something else.
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door we know as death. ....can't understand this. If 'death' is a dope-related slang, it's fine. If it's actual death, then I'm not sure the metaphor works if she's still alive. She might hit the door of the room of death, say, but that's different.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, ....this is a great line
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer ....solid ending

[RC James]

Hi James. The lines are quite nice, but the poem as a whole is unintelligible. You need to throw in some hints for the reader, otherwise it's a nice, impenetrable poem.

1. Storing away Stephanie's old habits with demons may mean something to you, but not to the reader. If you throw in a line like that and never come back to it, it's frustrating.
2. Until the end I don't know whether Stephanie is a madwoman, a ghost, a cat, a bird, an AIDS victim, ot the cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. Or a combination of these. It's not the sort of ambiguity that is enjoyable, it just feels like the writer forgot that there was a reader.
3. The simile at the end is nice in isolation, but in the context of the rest of the poem, leaves me no wiser.
4. The high watermark of vagueness is reached in L12

Stephanie obviously lives with the guy who is also addicted, they've obviously been though some hard times together, like the old habit, that they'd given up and stored in the closet with other demons they tried to drop and do away with. The poem is, again, obviously about drug addiction, and the lines in that context become, again, obvious.  I think yoiu're being aggressively facetious in your listing of who Stephanie might be, really kinda.....  The ending is, again, obvious, in the context of drug addiction, the narrator is drawn into the "old habit"as he watches her head for the dealer's corner. I'm not going to expand on the content because, again, it's obvious. RC

I was not being facetious at all.
Once you've supplied the encryption key the message can be decoded.
It's quite a nice poem with that detail. Obvious only to those for whom drug addiction has at least middle of mind recall value, but you may want to keep it that way. 
If you don't, then changing the title to 'Addict' is an option but it does make things too obvious.

Let me try and re-read your poem in my newfound knowledge:


Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, ....this is probably why I got thrown off. The opening has a random action that can suggest other possibilities. If you begin with 'Chasing that old habit / we'd stored away with demons'...?
chasing that old habit 
we'd stored away with demons.

What remains of her willpower 
spins her out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her as she unfurls.

Pencil thin arms and legs 
punctuate her furious craving. ....not sure what this means. her arms might be punctured with needle marks that 'punctuate' her in a literal and metaphorical sense. However, I don't see how the arms and legs are punctuating anything - they are receiving the action. Unless you meant something else.
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door we know as death. ....can't understand this. If 'death' is a dope-related slang, it's fine. If it's actual death, then I'm not sure the metaphor works if she's still alive. She might hit the door of the room of death, say, but that's different.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, ....this is a great line
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer ....solid ending


Her arms and legs punctuate ' in the active, not passive sense, they are whirling, and thrusting, so they are stressing and accentuating her condition.

The door as death - is a way of pointing out the mind-set of the addict, they know they're headed down a road that, if followed , will only lead to death in the real sense, but they continue chasing the dragon because of the, now elusive, high.

Thanks for spending time on this, I appreciate it, RC

[Todd]

Hi RC, some comments for you below:

Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
chasing that old habit 
we'd stored away with demons.--You've got some good lines in this poem. This opening though feels pretty flat to me. Your title allows you to sort of set the scene so I'd recommend staying with the actions to convey what's going on. I like the first two lines here to do that. I'm not a big fan of lines 3 and 4. Line 3 is too telling for me and line 4 with demons is a bit predictable. Perhaps replace them with some other image.

What remains of her willpower 
spins her out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her as she unfurls.--This strophe is stronger in my opinion. I love whirligig. I also really like "the sun bakes her out as she unfurls." There is a good sense of movement in the poem. I can live with the opening line of the strophe, but if I were to suggest an edit it would be there. Calling attention to willpower in this way sort of slows down the building motion. I don't know if that makes sense but I'd move away from areas that feel explanatory, and maybe simply suggest them in the action somehow.

Pencil thin arms and legs 
punctuate her furious craving.--Again this pulls me out of the scene. Furious craving should be captured in the imagery not added as an editorial tag. Again, just an opinon. 
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, --Love this
she hits the door we know as death.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.--No issues with your end strophe. Love the change morphing to keys to jailer. Very satisfying.

I hope some of that helped.

Best,

Todd

[RC James]

Hi RC, some comments for you below:

Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
chasing that old habit 
we'd stored away with demons.--You've got some good lines in this poem. This opening though feels pretty flat to me. Your title allows you to sort of set the scene so I'd recommend staying with the actions to convey what's going on. I like the first two lines here to do that. I'm not a big fan of lines 3 and 4. Line 3 is too telling for me and line 4 with demons is a bit predictable. Perhaps replace them with some other image.

What remains of her willpower 
spins her out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her as she unfurls.--This strophe is stronger in my opinion. I love whirligig. I also really like "the sun bakes her out as she unfurls." There is a good sense of movement in the poem. I can live with the opening line of the strophe, but if I were to suggest an edit it would be there. Calling attention to willpower in this way sort of slows down the building motion. I don't know if that makes sense but I'd move away from areas that feel explanatory, and maybe simply suggest them in the action somehow.

Pencil thin arms and legs 
punctuate her furious craving.--Again this pulls me out of the scene. Furious craving should be captured in the imagery not added as an editorial tag. Again, just an opinon. 
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, --Love this
she hits the door we know as death.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.--No issues with your end strophe. Love the change morphing to keys to jailer. Very satisfying.

I hope some of that helped.

Best,

Todd

Thanks Todd - Pointing olut those telly spots helped a lot, will get to work on those.  RC

[Todd]

I've read this through a few times, and to me it feels like a step forward. A few comments on the revision.

Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
“I’m sick baby, real sick,
got to see Tony now.”--This is better. I'm not sure if her speaking is the way to go. Its an improvement. I realize this is also a sort of telling but maybe rephrase it in an observation.

L3-4: in her SickBabyGotToSeeTonyNowRealSickWay (may be too gimmicky or lucille clifton, but just a thought.

Her eyes roll and vibrate,--vibrate is unexpected and a really cool choice.
as she spins out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her
while she unfurls.--Still like this ending thought. Do you think its stronger broken this way? I'm really not sure.

Pencil thin arms and legs,
flailing, obscure her figure.  
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door,
and she’s in the wind.--I really like the lost feeling of she's in the wind. I'm not too sure I like the repetition of she and she's, but I love the changes in this strophe.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route, 
then I scour the dresser for change.
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.

Good revision.

Best,

Todd

[RC James]

Todd - How does this one strike you? RC

[Todd]

It works for me. I don't have any other suggestions at the moment.

[laltieri0]

Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
she mumbles: sickbabyrealsick,       much better with this spacing/removal of the quotation marks.
gottoseeTonynow.   

Her eyes roll and vibrate,              vibrate. good for what you're trying to convey.
as she spins out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her while she unfurls.      

Pencil thin arms and legs,
flailing, obscure her figure.              I'd change this to: pencil thin arms and legs flail,/obscure her figure.
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door, and is in the wind.       as is in the wind? I don't understand.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route,    good 3 lines
then I scour the dresser for change.     I'd expand and clear up this part. I got the sense from the rest of the poem that he wasn't in the same place as she is in this moment (regarding his addiction).  What about her actions and words make him want to search for the money now? Or is the rest of the poem misleading me-- is he on board from the start?
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.   Great ending. Image, resolution. Best part of the poem.

[RC James]

Middle of the room, 
Stephanie dances around me, 
she mumbles: sickbabyrealsick,       much better with this spacing/removal of the quotation marks.
gottoseeTonynow.   

Her eyes roll and vibrate,              vibrate. good for what you're trying to convey.
as she spins out like a whirligig.
Through the window 
the sun bakes her while she unfurls.      

Pencil thin arms and legs,
flailing, obscure her figure.              I'd change this to: pencil thin arms and legs flail,/obscure her figure.
Hypnotized by the kitchen clock, 
she hits the door, and is in the wind.       as is in the wind? I don't understand.

I clench the sill, 
and watch, 
as she storms the old route,    good 3 lines
then I scour the dresser for change.     I'd expand and clear up this part. I got the sense from the rest of the poem that he wasn't in the same place as she is in this moment (regarding his addiction).  What about her actions and words make him want to search for the money now? Or is the rest of the poem misleading me-- is he on board from the start?
The coins jangle like a ring of keys 
in the hands 
of an approaching jailer.   Great ending. Image, resolution. Best part of the poem.

"I'm in the wind" or "he's in the wind" is an old street expression that means: they just left.

The scene where he starts looking for change may seem abrupt, but it follows on his watching her score and that tweaks his habit at this point.

Thanks for your look, I appreciate it, RC