A Live Reflection

[shaan]

*** Okay, with the help of all the critics I was able to come up with this version.  Please guide me if it's any better.  thanks much! ***
3rd Edit:

A Live Reflection

Look deep inside your heart
the colors of my presence
are still within you.
You will feel
the velvety heat of my touch and
the warmth of my breath
still embracing your soul.
You will find
the mist of my tears
is still clinging to bed folds.
You will hear
the echo of my silence
through the house.
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn.

When you look inside
my reflection still lives on
in the mirror of your heart.

-----------------------------------------
2nd Edit:

A Live Reflection

Look deep inside your heart
the colors of my presence
still surround you.
You will feel
the velvety heat of my touch and
the fragrance of my breath
still embracing your soul.
You will find
the mist of my tears
is still clinging to bed folds.
You will hear 
my silence reverberates 
through the house.
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn.

When you look inside
my reflection still lives
in the mirror of your heart.

---------------------------------------------------------

1st Edit:

A Live Reflection

When you look deep inside your heart
You will see the colors of my presence
are still around you.
You will feel
the velvety heat of my touch and
the fragrance of my breath
still embrace your soul.
You will find the mist of my tears 
is still cling in bed folds.
You will hear the echo of my silence
still reverberates in the house.
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn.

When you look inside your heart
my reflection still lives
in the mirror of your heart.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Original:

Alive Reflection
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart,
The essence of my being
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced
On the back of your hand.
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes.

My unfulfilled desires, longings
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,
Is still sitting there.

By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.


-- Shaan

[shaan]

Mod,
I would like to move this poem to "Serious Workshopping" section.

Thanks
--- Shaan

[Leanne]

Alive Reflection

Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart, -- how many mirrors are there in this heart, that this reflection is only in one of them?
The essence of my being
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced -- an object must be embraced by something -- what are these breaths embraced by, on the back of this hand?  
On the back of your hand.
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes. -- this is just nonsensical.  Heat doesn't breathe.  It may at a stretch be breathed, although in eyes?  That's a horrible thing to do to someone, breathing out onto their corneas.  Even with velvet.  And why is the touch velvety -- are you a kitten?

My unfulfilled desires, longings -- longings are by definition unfulfilled -- this is just repetition for the sake of repeating words repetitively, more than once
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume -- dew-filled.  And why?  A watery soul?  A smelly watery soul at that.  
had fallen in the home courtyard, 
My tears are cling in bed folds, -- My tears cling.  
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips, -- damp or dampened -- dampen is a verb
Is still sitting there. -- if it's still sitting there and you know where it is, it wasn't lost, was it?  

By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog, -- why does it matter if they're heavy curtains?  Also, you could try fewer words here, e.g.  By the window/ with its curtains of fog
My dusk is still waiting for you. -- figuratively you'd have to think that dusk is the forerunner for night, in other words, this sounds like you're offering up your death
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm. -- whereas this sounds like someone's controlling your life.  These hands are also getting quite crowded, with dawn in the palm and breath on the back.  
My reflection is still alive  -- you could try "still lives"
in a mirror of your heart.


-- Shaan

[billy]

Hi shaan, first off welcome to the site, 2nd, i think you're brave to put your stuff in the serious forum. i am worried that the feedback may be to harsh and to much for you in serious. i have stopped where i have stopped so i don't come off as cruel. personally i think the poem would have been better suited to mild.

Alive Reflection

Alive Reflection did you mean A Live Reflection?

Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart, maybe at [the] mirror of your heart
The essence of my being
Is all around you. the 2nd and 3rd line show very little, what is your essence? apart from being cliche they weaken the poem a lot
My breaths are embraced [my breath embraces]
On the back of your hand. [the back of your hand]
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes. this phrase doesn't work showing, alive. sparkles, anything but breathing it's something eyes seldom do.

My unfulfilled desires, longings desire and longing are more or less the same thing, pick one
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds, [tears cling]
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips, what does this phrase mean?
Is still sitting there. do tones sit?

By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.


-- Shaan

[Todd]

Hi Shaan,


You present a scene where the speaker is telling the subject to look into their own heart and see evidence of the relationship you once had with me (the speaker). Not a bad idea for a poem. I think to pull it off though you need to cut this down to the essence adding concrete details for the reader to latch onto.

I'll give you an example in the opening line as to what I'm talking about. I'm not suggesting you use this exact line, I just want to give you an idea of how you might do this.

Your current line: 

Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart.

The key words are Reflect Mirror and Heart

The subject is to reflect on the relationship when they look in a physical mirror and that reflection should rekindle old feelings (heart).

New Version: 

When you look in a mirror you see me
reflected back

I would suggest reading Ted Kooser's Abandoned Farmhouse looking for how he used the concrete detail of a house to do characterization. You're trying to do something similar here.

I hope that helps.

Best,

Todd

Alive Reflection

Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart,
The essence of my being
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced
On the back of your hand.
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes.

My unfulfilled desires, longings
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,
Is still sitting there.

By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.


-- Shaan

[Erthona]

Reflect deeply at a (the) mirror of your heart, ("mirror of your heart is already an abstraction of an abstraction, that is to say, the use of "heart" is a metaphor for "love", so to say the mirror of your love without some kind of context is senseless)
The essence of my being (The writer treats the essence of a person's being as though it were some kind of mist. The idea of being is already an abstraction, so this is simply just another layers of nonsensical wording, that it it appears it appears to say something, but when really examines the content, one finds nothing of substance there.)
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced (how does one embrace a breath?)
On the back of your hand. (How are they on the back of the hand?)
The soft heat of my velvety touch (this conveys no meaning)
Is still breathing in your eyes.

My unfulfilled desires, longings
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,
Is still sitting there.

By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.

_____________________________________________________________________________
I quit the line by line because it would have been the same thing. This poem is composed of lines that lack any substance, that say nothing and go nowhere. If I were to put my response into a poem, it would be this.

I walked up to the perfume counter.
The girl behind it pulled out the atomizer
and hit me in the face with ten times the normal dose.
I didn't like perfume to begin with. 

This is no where near the quality of a poem to be posted in the serious section. Not to be mean, but probably novice is where this should be, this is too lacking in substance to critique.

Best,

dale

______________________________________________________________________________

As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.

[laltieri0]

Alive Reflection    This title doesn't add anything; I'd reconsider it.

Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart,  awkward
The essence of my being       
Is all around you.                  I want L2 and L3 to be an image. an essence is vague .  simile or metaphor here may strengthen it.
My breaths are embraced  
On the back of your hand.    how can something be embraced "on" something else? what's it embraced by?
The soft heat of my velvety touch       too many adjectives.  The heat of my velvety touch would be less cumbersome.  "Velvety heat" implies softness.
Is still breathing in your eyes.   did they sprout lungs?

My unfulfilled desires, longings  
Are still scattered on your pores.   what, how?
My soul’s dew filled perfume  
had fallen in the home courtyard,       how did we get to a courtyard
My tears are cling in bed folds,      do you mean clung?
My tone, which was lost long ago        remove "which was"
By your dampen lips,  dampened or damp, not dampen. also, how is MY tone lost by YOUR lips?
Is still sitting there.  still sits? there-- where is there? ambiguous.

By the window      
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,    reconsider "where there are"
My dusk is still waiting for you.   
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm. I can aaaaalmost see the line you're toeing here
My reflection is still alive       lives?
in a mirror of your heart.          the mirror or a mirror?


-- Shaan

I'd make the language a bit more active throughout (i.e. "waits" in the place of "is waiting" and the like).  Also, it's unclear what the real take-away is.  You get so caught up in pseudo-comparisons and nonsensical adjective-noun pairings that even multiple reads leave me fumbling for meaning.

I could bear the idea of dawn/dusk if you took that and made it the core of the poem/revamped the entire piece.

The mirror part-- mentioned twice in the poem as well as in the title-- is lost in the body of the poem.  Try to thread this idea or relate other images to mirrors, maybe? I'm not sure. 

I agree with most of the other crits on this thread.  As someone mentioned, mild may be a better place for this.

This was not intended to hurt feelings or be harsh, only to improve your work! Revision is an essential part of the process.

[shaan]

Leanne, Billy, Todd, Dale, and Laltieri,
I thank you each one of you for your feedback and critic.
I am not hurt at all by the harsh comments.  My main purpose to post in this forum is to get the strong critic so that I can improve how to bundle up my thoughts.
After reading all the critics, I know where I failed to deliver my thoughts.
This would have not been possible in novice and/or mild critic section.

I will be putting up an updated version soon.

thanks again!

[Leanne]

Good job on the edit, Shaan.  This is significantly improved and a much tighter poem.  Well done on your response to the criticism as well

A Live Reflection

When you look deep inside your heart -- you could shorten this even further with "Look deep inside your heart/ the colors of my presence/ still surround you"
You will see the colors of my presence
are still around you.
You will feel
the velvety heat of my touch and
the fragrance of my breath
still embrace your soul. -- your grammar is not right here.  Because the sentence starts with "You will feel", this line needs to be either "still embracing your soul", "will still embrace your soul" or "that still embraces your soul".
You will find the mist of my tears 
is still cling in bed folds. -- grammar again -- try "is still clinging to" or "still clings to", or maybe "still lingers in"
You will hear the echo of my silence
still reverberates in the house. -- too many stills, plus echo and reverberation are the same thing really.  You could try "My silence/ reverberates through the house"
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn. -- this is a really nice line

When you look inside your heart -- you use "your heart" twice in a short space, and it's not a strong enough phrase for such repetition.  I'd just go with "when you look inside" on this line
my reflection still lives
in the mirror of your heart.

[billy]

a really solid edit shaan, and a great way to accept feedback.

the edit improves the read exponentially though there's still edits to do. strip away words that aren't needed; try and be concise. i did some suggestions, can you see any more? beware the double or triple use of words, a refrain is fine but often when a word is used more than once it weakens the line/poem. all in all a good edit.

*** Okay, with the help of all the critics I was able to come up with this version.  Please guide me if it's any better.  thanks much! ***

1st Edit:

A Live Reflection

When you look deep inside your heart
You will see the colors of my presence
are still around you.
You will feel
the velvety heat of my touch and
the fragrance of my breath
still embrace your soul.
You will find the mist of my tears
is still cling in bed folds. this line needs rewording in order to fit.
You will hear the echo of my silence
still reverberates in the house.
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn. good job with these three lines. a suggestion would be to use [dusk still waits]

When you look inside your heart can this line be better written? [is your heart needed?]
my reflection still lives
in the mirror of your heart.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Original:

Alive Reflection
Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart,
The essence of my being
Is all around you.
My breaths are embraced
On the back of your hand.
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes.

My unfulfilled desires, longings
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,
Is still sitting there.

By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog,
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart.


-- Shaan

[shaan]

Leanne and Billy,

I really appreciate your thorough read and constructive critics. The feedback was very helpful and I was able to bring out the much stronger shape of my poem.
The most current update is added.

I am here to learn and polish my poetic skills so I would welcome any and all the feedback I can get.
Thank You All!

[IgorSShute]

A Live Reflection

Look deep inside your heart
the colors of my presence
still surround you.  As it's supposed to be inside the heart, I think 'are still within you' would be a better fit than surround you. 
You will feel 
the velvety heat of my touch and 
the fragrance of my breath perhaps this may work, but I'm not sure if it's the best choice,  I would choose something along the lines of 'warmth of my breath'.
still embracing your soul.
You will find 
the mist of my tears 
is still clinging to bed folds.
You will hear 
my silence reverberates although I do like this, reverberates is still repetitive loud noise. I really do find it interesting, but I'm not sure how others will feel about it.  
through the house.
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn. Wonderful line. 

When you look inside
my reflection still lives on
in the mirror of your heart. Perfect. 

[shaan]

A Live Reflection

Look deep inside your heart
the colors of my presence
still surround you.  As it's supposed to be inside the heart, I think 'are still within you' would be a better fit than surround you. 
You will feel 
the velvety heat of my touch and 
the fragrance of my breath perhaps this may work, but I'm not sure if it's the best choice,  I would choose something along the lines of 'warmth of my breath'.
still embracing your soul.
You will find 
the mist of my tears 
is still clinging to bed folds.
You will hear 
my silence reverberates although I do like this, reverberates is still repetitive loud noise. I really do find it interesting, but I'm not sure how others will feel about it.  
through the house.
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn. Wonderful line. 

When you look inside
my reflection still lives on
in the mirror of your heart. Perfect. 

Hello IgorsShute,
Thank You very much for deep analysis and your helpful feedback.
Your feedback definitely made a difference and following the updated version just for you to read.
Thanks again.

A Live Reflection

Look deep inside your heart
the colors of my presence
are still within you.
You will feel
the velvety heat of my touch and
the warmth of my breath
still embracing your soul.
You will find
the mist of my tears
is still clinging to bed folds.
You will hear
the echo of my silence
through the house.
By the window
with its curtains of fog,
my dusk is still waiting for a bright dawn.

When you look inside
my reflection still lives on
in the mirror of your heart.

[RC James]

I hate it when somebody tells me what I'm about to tell you, but the original, not without its defects, is still more vibrant than any of the revisions. Some of the word choices might be a little off, but the feeling is deeper, more concentrated, and more affecting than, say, the latest version which left me slightly cold.

Reflect deeply at a mirror of your heart, (OK, I think you could condense a lot of this - "look deeply into your heart's miorror...")
The essence of my being
Is all around you.                                    (I am all around you)
My breaths are embraced
On the back of your hand.                        (my breath on the back of your hand)
The soft heat of my velvety touch
Is still breathing in your eyes.                   (your eyes breathe my soft heat)

My unfulfilled desires, longings                 (Unfulfilled desires - cliche -  (your pores absorb my longings)
Are still scattered on your pores.
My soul’s dew filled perfume
had fallen in the home courtyard,              (your courtyard holds my soul's dew)
My tears are cling in bed folds,
My tone, which was lost long ago
By your dampen lips,                                   (what do you mean by tone?   These three lines need to make more sense.)
Is still sitting there.

By the window
Where there are heavy curtains of fog              (fog curtains the window / where my dusk is waiting for you)
My dusk is still waiting for you.
Still, my dawn is asleep in your palm.
My reflection is still alive
in a mirror of your heart
                                                                       too many "stills"  - My dawn sleeps in your palm/ your mirror still holds my reflection.)





Hope this is not too disconcerting, the original grabbed me the others not. RC