Unsleep

[bedeep]

(This is in response to Todd's Too Restless to Sleep. His is better, but it was fun to write this.)

The wild of trees
leaf-bare, insomniacal
in chill wind.
Wind gathers around me

in the not-dark not-light
other state,
peaceless and unquiet.

Shh, I tell everything
that voices itself.
Still rustles and chirrs
sound and repeat in rhythmless
chorus,

no silence
to be found. Not here,
and not afterward.

~~~

V. 2

The wild of trees
bare of leaf, insomniacal
in chill wind.
Wind gathers around me

in the undark unlight
other state,
peaceless and unquiet.

Shh, I tell everything
that voices itself.
Still rustles and chirrs
sound and repeat, rhythmless.

No silence
to be found. Not here,
not afterward.

[Achebe]

I'm not a bi fan of hyphenation. Hopkins got away with it, because he invented the device. It's almost as artificial as enjambment.
Perhaps one is ok. Three is pushing it.

'Everything that voices itself' is a sparkling line

[Leanne]

Really, I hate to be pedantic (!) but Hopkins pretty much flogged everything he did off dead Saxon saga poets...

Me, I like hyphens and hybridising language, but I wonder how you'd feel about playing with compounds like maybe:

The wild of trees
bareleaf insomnia

Or some such?

[Leanne]

Also, if hyphens are cause for alarm, you could compound notdarknotlight

[just mercedes]

I love portmanteau words myself, and suitcase words, and adding hyphens to make a hybrid which I always see as train words, because one tows the other. Bareleaf insomnia is wonderful too.

[Achebe]

Also, if hyphens are cause for alarm, you could compound notdarknotlight

tsk tsk. Do your students also use a calculator in math class instead of log tables? 
ok that was cryptic. basically, shortcuts are bad. poems should be written on wax tablets with ripped off nails.

[Leanne]

Not shortcuts: wormholes to new dimensions.

[bedeep]

It's all Todd's fault.

Fun thoughts, everyone.

[Todd]

You go in some nice directions. Even it I'm allegedly to blame. If I were titling this I might consider Schrödinger's Forest.
Just for how you handle in between states in S2 (though no issue with your current title). The Shh in S3 also feels like a turn almost. The race to the finish from Shh is exquisite. My only real call out is that I think cutting: " in rhythmless / chorus," might improve the whole.

Enjoyed what you did here.

Best,

Todd

[bedeep]

Thanks everyone. I posted a second version in the original post. Not sure a triple "un-" syllable is better than three hyphens but y'all can see what you think. Todd, thank you for your gracious read. Honestly I always feel nervous when I share something that takes off from another's work, for some reason, but I usually override that hesitation.

[Leanne]

Liking the revision a lot. Insomniacal still irks me a bit, both because its length mucks up the meter when I read it aloud and also for that harsh "c" sound, which draws attention away from those haunting "w"s and lovely long vowels.

On writing something inspired by another: you'll see that a lot here and I'd definitely encourage it. That's the beauty of true community -- inspiration increases exponentially.

[bedeep]

Leanne thanks. I get your point about that word. (darn it. Like that word! ) I'll see what I can do there.

[Todd]

undark unlight is much better. I like that improvement a lot.

[bedeep]

Thank you. I think I'll do one more pass and that should be it.

[REW]

(This is in response to Todd's Too Restless to Sleep. His is better, but it was fun to write this.)

The wild of trees
leaf-bare, insomniacal (I was wondering if this would work better as a title and if you moved your
in chill wind. title unsleep or unsleeping here).
Wind gathers around me

in the not-dark not-light (Perhaps move this up and combine into one stanza?)
other state,
peaceless and unquiet.

Shh, I tell everything
that voices itself.
Still rustles and chirrs
sound and repeat in rhythmless
chorus,

no silence
to be found. Not here,
and not afterward.

~~~

V. 2

The wild of trees
bare of leaf, insomniacal
in chill wind.
Wind gathers around me

in the undark unlight (I didn't have an issue with the use of hyphens in the original.  Here though I feel there are too many un starting words.  Perhaps undark not-light???)
other state,
peaceless and unquiet.

Shh, I tell everything
that voices itself.
Still rustles and chirrs
sound and repeat, rhythmless.

No silence
to be found. Not here,
not afterward.

Hi,

I added some comments after your lines in both of the versions that you have.  I think some slight tweaking and you will have your version IMO.  One thought I have is that it would be cool to add some of the voices and that they sound and repeat rhythmless, instead of stating it to show it.

I like the idea of awakeness outside.

[bedeep]

Casey, thank you. I'll add your ingredients in to the next sweep through.