Too Restless to Sleep

[Todd]

Outside the hum and buzz
close crowded clicking
of katydids
 
Under the dry
light of the forest
flowers are motionless
unmoving
like stationary pinwheels
 
The wild trees
bare of leaves
seem like insomniacs
 
It is near dawn
I stand in the dirt
shifting from foot to foot
knowing the end
will be nothing like this

[bedeep]

I like this! and know the feeling all too well. A couple comments below that may be helpful.

Outside the hum and buzz
close crowded clicking
of katydids  -- Love this beginning.
 
Under the dry
light of the forest
flowers are motionless
unmoving
like stationary pinwheels -- and this is even better. I was going to object to pairing "motionless" and "unmoving" but I see how it works after all. "dry light" is gorgeous.
 
The wild trees
bare of leaves
seem like insomniacs -- Yes, and here I want a tiny bit more acknowledgement that this is an insomniac speaking -- maybe "fellow insomniacs" or the like?
 
It is near dawn
I stand in the dirt
shifting from foot to foot -- really love this depiction
knowing the end
will be nothing like this -- and I am not sure about this. But it grows on me. At first though I thought, how come we are talking about "the end"? all of a sudden (aside from it being the end of the poem but I don't think you meant that.) It grows on me though as an appropriately mysterious place to conclude the piece.

Really like this!

[just mercedes]

I've been there! 3 'like's seem two too many, also I hesitate at 'motionless / unmoving'. But good in-the-moment poem.

[lr3ke100]

Love the imagery with the lines about wild trees bare of leaves.. however I'm not sure about that 'seems like insomniacs'. To me, this seems a bit too deliberate. Let your audience figure it out, I knew that's what you meant with those two previous lines before you spelled it out. Perhaps come in with something relating it to your narrator/self... and less direct. "as restless as I" or something along those lines.

That's about all the feedback I have. Brand new to the forum so still learning the ropes but I found it very solid. Bravo.

[Achebe]

'Seem like insomniancs' is a dull line.
Why would the trees be bare of leaves? It's possible that the trees are dead, but it's distracting for the reader.
'The dry light of the forest' is gorgeous. You could almost be hiking in the Australian bush in summer

[Todd]

@bedeep: Thank you for the reflective walkthrough. The working out of your reaction is as valuable as the reaction itself. I'll use your comments when I sit down to revise. Thank you.

@Mercedes: Thanks for the read and comments. I can see some ways I can restrain my inner need for the simile. If I don't end up doing major surgery I could likely easily adjust out the first two instances. Appreciate it.

@Melissa: Thanks for the insomniac note. I'll give it some thought. It usually means going a bit deeper on the first draft. Thank you (and welcome to the site!).

@Achebe: Thanks for the read and comments. I'll note your take on the insomniacs and the trees and give it some thought. Thank you.

[Keith]

Outside the hum and buzz
close crowded clicking
of katydids Really like the sound being generated in this opening. For me though it needs another line adding at the start, just to grab me more than Hum and Buzz does
 
Under the dry
light of the forest
flowers are motionless
unmoving I like the contrast here that in this light the flowers don't move the N
like stationary pinwheels
 
The wild trees
bare of leaves
seem like insomniacs really like this jaded view of jagged branches all a bit frayed.
 
It is near dawn
I stand in the dirt
shifting from foot to foot like how this motion opposes the flowers
knowing the end
will be nothing like this Nice, I have several theories and they are all good ones

I take away a solid image of the culprit and the surroundings I also like the way the camera pans from the field to forest looking down then up then down again to our sleepless stranger. Kept me guessing with a different take each read. Very much enjoyed. Keith

[Todd]

Hi Keith, thank you for the time spent. I will consider your note on more interesting opening line. I will really give it some thought. Thanks.

Best,

Todd

[shaan]

The imagery in the poem is great.
The theme is creative.

Outside the hum and buzz
close crowded clicking
of katydids
 
Under the dry
light of the forest
flowers are motionless
unmoving
like stationary pinwheels 
 
The wild trees
bare of leaves
seem like insomniacs --- 'seem like' does not sound poetic as compare to the 2 lines before this.  maybe you can replace this with something more poetic?
 
It is near dawn
I stand in the dirt
shifting from foot to foot
knowing the end
will be nothing like this

[Todd]

Shaan, thank you for the comments. I take it from your more poetic note, that you would prefer more imagery on that line? Am I interpreting your intent correctly? Best, Todd