On Having Lost Natalie

[Seanharvey]

"On Having Lost Natalie"


I thought I knew you once. 
A strange dog, an orphan of the spell, 
I watched you escape into darkness.
 I watched the long grasses stop short
 in the lost edges of your walking.
 Your shadow moved within the moon. 
A revolution. A silence. 
Summer was a green sleeve of wind:
 thin, approaching, full of forgetful rememberings,
 and I was a standing shadow of light,
 tall and transfixed.
 We were two small waterbodies, passing between. We watched a river red evening, 
where there wasn't one. 
We played in an old stone house of the world.
 Soft as children, lost as broken light, 
our bodies crystal as each new stroke of
 falling rain brushed us near the edge. 
We watched the trees, oh soft eternal dark madonna, gather in the skirts of the rain.
A strange dog escaped into darkness. 
And the night had passed too slowly 
for us to finish exploring the wind.

[Keith]

Hi Sean
You have created a wistful feel to the poem and you have a very nice approach to the phrasing of many lines, if I could offer advice it would to consolidate the images into a couple of stanzas that really get across your point to the reader. Think about me, what am I to take away from your poem, visually you have some stunning lines that when presented as a story board will leave something that lasts, at the moment its all a bit too much for me to take in and I cannot truly grasp what happens. Hope this helps and you spend some time on an edit it really is worth it. Best Keith

[Seanharvey]

Hi Sean
You have created a wistful feel to the poem and you have a very nice approach to the phrasing of many lines, if I could offer advice it would to consolidate the images into a couple of stanzas that really get across your point to the reader. Think about me, what am I to take away from your poem, visually you have some stunning lines that when presented as a story board will leave something that  lasts, at the moment its all a bit too much for me to take in and I cannot truly grasp what happens. Hope this helps and you spend some time on an edit it really is worth it. Best Keith

Thank for the feedback Keith. I think you're right, I've probably sacrificed coherence in trying to evoke a visual feeling. After all, it's just another break up poem lol.

---

I wanted to name it "For Natalie Who'd Never Understand This"

[Keith]

Hi Sean
You have created a wistful feel to the poem and you have a very nice approach to the phrasing of many lines, if I could offer advice it would to consolidate the images into a couple of stanzas that really get across your point to the reader. Think about me, what am I to take away from your poem, visually you have some stunning lines that when presented as a story board will leave something that  lasts, at the moment its all a bit too much for me to take in and I cannot truly grasp what happens. Hope this helps and you spend some time on an edit it really is worth it. Best Keith

Thank for the feedback Keith. I think you're right, I've probably sacrificed coherence in trying to evoke a visual feeling. After all, it's just another break up poem lol.

---

I wanted to name it "For Natalie Who'd Never Understand This"

even more reason to bring new light through old windows, someone should die

[tectak]

"On Having Lost Natalie"


I thought I knew you once. 
A strange dog, an orphan of the spell, 
I watched you escape into darkness.
 I watched the long grasses stop short
 in the lost edges of your walking.
 Your shadow moved within the moon. 
A revolution. A silence. 
Summer was a green sleeve of wind:
 thin, approaching, full of forgetful rememberings,
 and I was a standing shadow of light,
 tall and transfixed.
 We were two small waterbodies, passing between. We watched a river red evening, 
where there wasn't one. 
We played in an old stone house of the world.
 Soft as children, lost as broken light, 
our bodies crystal as each new stroke of
 falling rain brushed us near the edge. 
We watched the trees, oh soft eternal dark madonna, gather in the skirts of the rain.
A strange dog escaped into darkness. 
And the night had passed too slowly 
for us to finish exploring the wind.

This is worth workshopping. If you want it moved to Serious just say the word. If you like it as it is no one will will be offended except your Muse. Well done. Tectak(mod)

[Seanharvey]

I'm not opposed to work shopping it, just slightly terrified. I've read some of the critiques and I'm afraid that much of it is over my head.

[Achebe]

The sudden breakout into soft eternal was splendid
I don't think you need to post it in Serious, but do repost it in mild in the next iteration.

[ellajam]

I'm not opposed to work shopping it, just slightly terrified. I've read some of the critiques and I'm afraid that much of it is over my head.

The sudden breakout into soft eternal was splendid
I don't think you need to post it in Serious, but do repost it in mild in the next iteration.

Members giving critique certainly have a lot more leeway in Mild than Novice, and you may get what you need, it can be moved there if you'd like.

As far as Serious goes, jumping into the deep end of anything for the first time is exhilarating as well as terrifying and leads to a new level of of expertise once you get used to it. The great thing here is when I don't quite get what someone is telling me I can discuss it on the thread until I do understand what they mean. Great way to learn.

Take your pick, or stay here, where members can only hint. It's up to you.

[Seanharvey]

The sudden breakout into soft eternal was splendid
I don't think you need to post it in Serious, but do repost it in mild in the next iteration.

Okay. Not sure what the next iteration might be. That soft eternal turn is the only thing I'm slightly attached to.

[Todd]

This user has been banned for plagiarism. /admin

https://books.google.com/books?id=T5LNCKGN0uAC&pg=PA291&lpg=PA291&dq=We+watched+the+trees,+oh+soft+eternal+dark+madonna,+gather+in+the+skirts+of+the+rain.&source=bl&ots=Vtg33AuQPV&sig=sqP0uk7n98IVM_U0NV2PtsNsibQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj4pdzZ1JvMAhXHg6YKHXzcAC0Q6AEIHTAA#v=onepage&q=We%20watched%20the%20trees%2C%20oh%20soft%20eternal%20dark%20madonna%2C%20gather%20in%20the%20skirts%20of%20the%20rain.&f=false

[ellajam]

Guess that settles the which forum question. Thanks, Todd.