Fetal (3rd edit)

[laltieri0]

Edit 3:

Lay in wait my breast-held heart
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother
feeds my bones and moon-shucked nail beds.

Snipped in time my pose shifts
lone in length of limb and the fold of my legs
beneath her thrumming atmosphere.

Hurried voices hush rapid shuffles
until we submerge
my world in a blood-drawn bath!
          
               بسم الله   

Thrust to prismatic emprise
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.


** this translates to bismillah, the arabic phrase for "in the name of God." it's said to denote a beginning, or to protect from Shaitan.  For example, before making wudu (the cleansing ritual), one says bismillah to remind themselves that they are cleansing in the name of Allah.  **

Edit 2:

Lay in wait my breast-held heart
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother
feeds my bones and moon-shucked nail beds.

Snipped in time my pose shifts
lone in length of limb and the fold of my legs
beneath her thrumming atmosphere.

Hurried voices hush rapid shuffles
until we submerge
my world in a blood-drawn bath-- and how!

Thrust to prismatic emprise
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.


Edit 1:

Lay in wait my breast-held heart
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother
feeds my bones and moon-shucked nail beds.

Snipped in time my pose shifts
lone in length of limb and the fold of my legs
beneath her thrumming atmosphere.

Hurried voices hush rapid shuffles
until we submerge
my world in a blood-drawn bath--

Jesus!  

Thrust to prismatic emprise
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.


Original: 

Lay in wait my breast-pumped heart
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother
feeds my bones or moon-shucked nail beds.

Snipped in time my pose shifts
naught but for the length of limb and the fold of my legs
beneath her thrumming atmosphere.

Hurried voices hush shuffles more eager than before
until we submerge
my world in a blood-drawn bath--
Jesus!  

Thrust to prismatic emprise
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.

[Todd]

Hi, welcome to the site! Let me give you some comments below.

Lay in wait my breast-pumped heart--The language is evocative and on first pass it draws me in. A few things though, I don't get the sense of the past from this line, it could be me, but I think "Lie in wait" may be the right choice. While breast-pumped heart is interesting and conveys a sense of nurture, it doesn't make a lot of sense physcially.
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother--Gorgeous line. Love the soft image, the sense of rolling movement and the fragility of it all. You capture so much in those first three words. With the second phrase you have a nice sense of not only who the mother is to the speaker, but one of the best line breaks in the poem.
feeds my bones or moon-shucked nail beds.--I wonder why or instead of and. I love moon-shucked nail beds. Nail beds is a nice concrete choice. Moon-shucked gives me the sense of a few things (some of which may be off from your intent): the shape of the nail, the level of development skin with only the promise of nails, the passage of time with the addition of the moon. I'm okay with the slight ambiguity and I like the language choice.

Snipped in time my pose shifts--snipped umbilical cord, the pose shifting into birth.
naught but for the length of limb and the fold of my legs--I don't thank the more archaic naught serves you as well as nothing might. It's just a tad self-conscious. It's a style choice that I might disagree with, but it doesn't kill the poem.
beneath her thrumming atmosphere.--Love the imagery and sound of this line.

Hurried voices hush shuffles more eager than before--More eager than before seems a bit telling. I would look for another way to show the intensity around delivery rising.
until we submerge
my world in a blood-drawn bath----Beautiful line.
Jesus!--Now I realize later you're doing some pre-existent, higher consciousness stuff. And the idea of a baby relating to us with words is already a conceit. I just question whether the baby would know proper names, and use them in exclamation (Jesus or otherwise).  

Thrust to prismatic emprise--You would think there a blindness or a sudden shock before the awareness of color.
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.--These last three lines acknowledge a loss in incarnating. 

It was interesting read, and I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[laltieri0]

Thank you for such a thorough critique. Your points hit home. The part I'm having a hard time conveying to the reader is the "Jesus!" Line and the following stanza. This exclamation is supposed to represent the shock of birth, but looking back I think that makes more sense from the mother's POV than the child's. I wanted a contrasting, blunt expression to signal this change but missed the mark. 

Hi, welcome to the site! Let me give you some comments below.

Lay in wait my breast-pumped heart--The language is evocative and on first pass it draws me in. A few things though, I don't get the sense of the past from this line, it could be me, but I think "Lie in wait" may be the right choice. While breast-pumped heart is interesting and conveys a sense of nurture, it doesn't make a lot of sense physcially.
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother--Gorgeous line. Love the soft image, the sense of rolling movement and the fragility of it all. You capture so much in those first three words. With the second phrase you have a nice sense of not only who the mother is to the speaker, but one of the best line breaks in the poem.
feeds my bones or moon-shucked nail beds.--I wonder why or instead of and. I love moon-shucked nail beds. Nail beds is a nice concrete choice. Moon-shucked gives me the sense of a few things (some of which may be off from your intent): the shape of the nail, the level of development skin with only the promise of nails, the passage of time with the addition of the moon. I'm okay with the slight ambiguity and I like the language choice.

Snipped in time my pose shifts--snipped umbilical cord, the pose shifting into birth.
naught but for the length of limb and the fold of my legs--I don't thank the more archaic naught serves you as well as nothing might. It's just a tad self-conscious. It's a style choice that I might disagree with, but it doesn't kill the poem.
beneath her thrumming atmosphere.--Love the imagery and sound of this line.

Hurried voices hush shuffles more eager than before--More eager than before seems a bit telling. I would look for another way to show the intensity around delivery rising.
until we submerge
my world in a blood-drawn bath----Beautiful line.
Jesus!--Now I realize later you're doing some pre-existent, higher consciousness stuff. And the idea of a baby relating to us with words is already a conceit. I just question whether the baby would know proper names, and use them in exclamation (Jesus or otherwise).  

Thrust to prismatic emprise--You would think there a blindness or a sudden shock before the awareness of color.
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.--These last three lines acknowledge a loss in incarnating. 

It was interesting read, and I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[zorcas]

Lay in wait my breast-held heart
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother eggshells? the mother was oviparous so her offspring-to-be is in a shell, not the normal amniotic fluid in which a baby is immersed?
feeds my bones and moon-shucked nail beds. the moon or its light somehow got into the womb?

Snipped in time my pose shifts snipping of the umbilicall cord is done after the baby is delivered, not in  the womb.
lone in length of limb and the fold of my legs what does "lone of limb" mean? In the womb a baby is curled up and straightens only as the delivery process proceeds.
beneath her thrumming atmosphere. What atmosphere and why does it thrum?

Hurried voices hush rapid shuffles
until we submerge  the baby emerges after having been submerged.
my world in a blood-drawn bath-- and how!  the poem doesn't benefit from an outburst like "and how".

Thrust to prismatic emprise  why prismatic? Emprise refers to daring or dangerous, hardly relevant here.
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.

This is a very amateurish evocation of womb time: the poet builds on reality and doesn't distort it, just as none would write the sun rises in the west.

[laltieri0]

Zorcas, thank you for your critique. I responded to some of your questions and comments below!

Lay in wait my breast-held heart
as eggshells undulate, constant as mother eggshells? the mother was oviparous so her offspring-to-be is in a shell, not the normal amniotic fluid in which a baby is immersed? -- "eggshells" this more so refers to the breast bone and ribs, not a literal eggshell surrounding the child. Does this change anything?
feeds my bones and moon-shucked nail beds. the moon or its light somehow got into the womb?  moon-shucked is simply describing the color and shape of the growing nail bed

Snipped in time my pose shifts snipping of the umbilical cord is done after the baby is delivered, not in  the womb. - this isn't referring to the umbilical cord.  It's referencing the pose- which (regarding the line below) changes only in limb length and posture as it grows, "snipped in time" (ultrasound pictures)
lone in length of limb and the fold of my legs what does "lone of limb" mean? In the womb a baby is curled up and straightens only as the delivery process proceeds.
beneath her thrumming atmosphere. What atmosphere and why does it thrum? - A woman's body is a fetus's whole world (atmosphere!) before birth. It thrums because its a living "atmosphere."

Hurried voices hush rapid shuffles
until we submerge  the baby emerges after having been submerged.     again, not literal submersion.  this child is bathed in the blood that cocooned it throughout the pregnancy-- "submersion." it's the birthing process
my world in a blood-drawn bath-- and how!  the poem doesn't benefit from an outburst like "and how". I have been struggling with a way to kind of interrupt the poem and create a clear line pre/post birth. 

Thrust to prismatic emprise  why prismatic? Emprise refers to daring or dangerous, hardly relevant here.   this new world- "our world," is dangerous indeed
yet my consciousness stays
the shrunken severed memory
of mother's womb.

This is a very amateurish evocation of womb time: the poet builds on reality and doesn't distort it, just as none would write the sun rises in the west.    I'd like you to reread it with me having answered some questions. I'm curious if your opinion changed at all.

[CRNDLSM]

Well, it seems you're stuck on the interjection. Exclaiming 'jesus!' Is a pretty common reaxtion, it can also have negative context and exasperation, you were right to change it, but 'and how' sound like an infomercial. I would like to offer suggestions, like why a word at all? Symbols representing, maybe an obscure foreign language, it's a good piece!

[laltieri0]

Thank you for your input. I changed it a bit, please  give it a read

Well, it seems you're stuck on the interjection.  Exclaiming 'jesus!' Is a pretty common reaxtion, it can also have negative context and exasperation, you were right to change it, but 'and how' sound like an infomercial.  I would like to offer suggestions, like why a word at all? Symbols representing, maybe an obscure foreign language, it's a good piece!