Posts: 63
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2016
Twice
During a morning get together
On Parish Avenue
He saw you lookin' at me
Saw you lookin' hard
One, two times a day
I hear your father say
Fuck Off!
One, two times a day
I see you cryin'
on the other side of smoked glass
thought you felt like dyin'
One, two times a day
Getting caught in cliche
Drinking Barefoot Moscato
Note: this one was jotted down in fun, thinking of a song or something like a lyric and if you want to give critique, feel free.
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
I don't know what it's missing but it seemed to me incomplete. I'll revisit this and have more feedback soon. Definitely feels like it is lacking something..
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
The first line looks a bit too long for a song
But 'taint wrong, if you feel fondly about it
Let it remain, through ir3ke feel strongly about it :-)
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 63
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2016
(04-21-2016, 09:51 AM)lr3ke100 Wrote: I don't know what it's missing but it seemed to me incomplete. I'll revisit this and have more feedback soon. Definitely feels like it is lacking something..
I was feeling playful when this was wrote but maybe it could use some polish.
Thanks for reading and commenting
Luna
(04-21-2016, 10:31 AM)Achebe Wrote: The first line looks a bit too long for a song
But 'taint wrong, if you feel fondly about it
Let it remain, through ir3ke feel strongly about it :-)
Thanks for reading.
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
Munchkin4065
Unregistered
I definitely feel like this has some potential to actually become a song! Write a couple more verses, find someone to put it to music (or do that on your own) and you're set!
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Joined: May 2015
I enjoyed reading it, probably because Bon Iver was playing...untill it got to this
" I see you cryin'
on the other side of smoked glass
thought you felt like dyin'"
it might need some improvement(s) ;even with no music
Posts: 63
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2016
(04-27-2016, 04:08 AM)Munchkin4065 Wrote: I definitely feel like this has some potential to actually become a song! Write a couple more verses, find someone to put it to music (or do that on your own) and you're set!
I probably do need to add a couple verses and dust off a few things off too. I'm certainly coming back to this one; thank you for reading and commenting.
(04-28-2016, 12:40 AM)Barbito Wrote: I enjoyed reading it, probably because Bon Iver was playing...untill it got to this
" I see you cryin'
on the other side of smoked glass
thought you felt like dyin'"
it might need some improvement(s) ;even with no music
Barbito,
I'm glad you enjoyed reading, Bon Iver or not. I'll post a re-vision
sometime in the next week.
Luna
In your own, each bone comes alive
the skeleton jangles in its perfunctory sleeve....
(Chris Martin)
