Don't call my number (Revision 2)

[LunaDeLore]

Revision 2

Tears were absent when the doctor
Handed out the diagnosis: hyperthyroidism
Most commonly resulting from Grave’s disease
 
Wisteria fell to the ground heavy in rain
Like voices thundering through silence
Attacking solitude
 
When he said not to worry, it’s easily treated
With radioactive iodine we’ll deal you
The opposite disorder; hypothyroidism
 
It’s just a life sentence; requires a pill a day
That comes with the promise of life
Leaving death to wait.


Revision 1.


In the absence of tears
tremors and anxiety
consume the day

the wisteria falls to the ground
heavy from rain
like a disease that comes
with a guarantee for tomorrow

Leaving death to wait


The Original

Don't call my number
___________________

In the absence of tears
Tremors and anxiety consume
Gray day shades of green
 
Wisteria falls to the ground
Heavy in rain
And voices sounding from the television
Wreck silence
 
Graves’ disease prevails
With the guarantee of tomorrow
Leaving death to wait
For the end of a life sentence
 

[Achebe]

I can't link the title to the poem. I suspect there is a meaning somewhere, but the poem doesn't interest me enough to think about the connection.

There is a single image in the poem - 'wisteria falls to the ground / heavy in rain / and voices sounding from the television' - and it is here that the poem has some interest for the reader. I suppose you are describing a day in the life of somebody suffering from Graves disease, but there's too little detail given for the reader to be hooked.
 
'tremors and anxiety consume colours' is an overly stretched metaphor. For a metaphor to work, it should ideally make literal as well as metaphorical sense.

[LunaDeLore]

I can't link the title to the poem. I suspect there is a meaning somewhere, but the poem doesn't interest me enough to think about the connection.

There is a single image in the poem - 'wisteria falls to the ground / heavy in rain / and voices sounding from the television' - and it is here that the poem has some interest for the reader. I suppose you are describing a day in the life of somebody suffering from Graves disease, but there's too little detail given for the reader to be hooked.
 
'tremors and anxiety consume colours' is an overly stretched metaphor. For a metaphor to work, it should ideally make literal as well as metaphorical sense.

Achebe,

Just to shed some light, the title derives from L10 ; "leaving death to wait"  it's simply a way to tell death not to call for it's a life sentence. I can't say that I don't agree with you concerning L3. I too think it's stretched but I can't say it's not the way I wanted it either. And the work could be beefed up. Nevertheless, thank you for taking the time to read and leave your feedback.

Luna

[Todd]

Hi Luna, welcome to the site! Let me give you some comments below. I haven't read any comments so as not to prejudice myself, please forgive any redundancy.

Don't call my number--From the content, especially the end lines, I took this as a play on the idea of "my number is up"
___________________

In the absence of tears--No issue with the opening line. Clarification though, I infer from this that Graves' causes crying to be difficult and I thought it was more of a mood swing tear producing ailment--though I guess it could vary.
Tremors and anxiety consume--I like tremors not as much of a fan of anxiety. I think pairing them makes this less problematic, but I wonder if simply expanding on a tremor bit or implying anxiety with an observable action would be stronger.
Gray day shades of green--Gray day is a fairly common way to imply depression with shades of green I simply think of life blended into depression. May or may not be your intent of course. This is the weakest of the three strophes in my opinion and should probably get the most attention in rewrite.
 
Wisteria falls to the ground
Heavy in rain--Lovely I thought you were going to go for the simile here ("as rain) but have no issue with the direct observation. 
And voices sounding from the television
Wreck silence --This line could be improved. I'd like a stronger payoff to the preceding line.
 
Graves’ disease prevails
With the guarantee of tomorrow--I like this thoughts behind this ending strophe. I wonder though if:
Graves' disease:/the gaurantee of tomorrow would be a more effective arrangement. Just a thought.
Leaving death to wait
For the end of a life sentence
 

I liked the poem and hope my comments help some on rewrite.

Best,

Todd

[LunaDeLore]

Hi Luna, welcome to the site! Let me give you some comments below. I haven't read any comments so as not to prejudice myself, please forgive any redundancy.

Don't call my number--From the content, especially the end lines, I took this as a play on the idea of "my number is up"
___________________

In the absence of tears--No issue with the opening line. Clarification though, I infer from this that Graves' causes crying to be difficult and I thought it was more of a mood swing tear producing ailment--though I guess it could vary.
Tremors and anxiety consume--I like tremors not as much of a fan of anxiety. I think pairing them makes this less problematic, but I wonder if simply expanding on a tremor bit or implying anxiety with an observable action would be stronger.
Gray day shades of green--Gray day is a fairly common way to imply depression with shades of green I simply think of life blended into depression. May or may not be your intent of course. This is the weakest of the three strophes in my opinion and should probably get the most attention in rewrite.
 
Wisteria falls to the ground
Heavy in rain--Lovely I thought you were going to go for the simile here ("as rain) but have no issue with the direct observation. 
And voices sounding from the television
Wreck silence --This line could be improved. I'd like a stronger payoff to the preceding line.
 
Graves’ disease prevails
With the guarantee of tomorrow--I like this thoughts behind this ending strophe. I wonder though if:
Graves' disease:/the gaurantee of tomorrow would be a more effective arrangement. Just a thought.
Leaving death to wait
For the end of a life sentence
 

I liked the poem and hope my comments help some on rewrite.

Best,

Todd

Todd,

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I'll take you feedback into consideration, it's actually very helpful.

Much appreciated,

Luna

[Achebe]

Hi Luna - is there any connection at all to Graves disease? First, it's not fatal as far as I know and secondly, your reply makes me think that you never intended the pun.

[aschueler]

Graves' disease sound horrible, but it is indeed quite treatable. It is analogous here to "damning with faint praise", and unless that is the intention should be dropped or clarified. Punctuation would help too.

[LunaDeLore]

Hi Luna - is there any connection at all to Graves disease? First, it's not fatal as far as I know and secondly, your reply makes me think that you never intended the pun.

Achebe,

Thanks for taking the time to come back to this post, and thanks for commenting.


Luna

---

Graves' disease sound horrible, but it is indeed quite treatable.  It is analogous here to "damning with faint praise", and unless that is the intention should be dropped or clarified.  Punctuation would help too.

aschuler,

Punctuation is always a plus. There is just no doubt about it. I'll be revisiting the poem to see what I can do.

Thank you for commenting

Luna

[LunaDeLore]

Original

Don't call my number
___________________

In the absence of tears
Tremors and anxiety consume
Gray day shades of green
 
Wisteria falls to the ground
Heavy in rain
And voices sounding from the television
Wreck silence
 
Graves’ disease prevails
With the guarantee of tomorrow
Leaving death to wait
For the end of a life sentence
 
Revision 1.

In the absence of tears
tremors and anxiety
consume the day

the wisteria falls to the ground
heavy from rain
like a disease that comes
with a guarantee for tomorrow

leaving death to wait

As you can see it's shortened a good bit, not that it was long to begin with. Nevertheless, I don't think it flows that much better. This may be one of those works that is beyond revision. 

[ellajam]

Hi, Luna, if you read around the sight or the Important Threads you'll see that the preferred way to post an edit is by placing it above the original in the OP, this way readers new to the thread can crit the current version, reading the entire thread first is not required and for some not preferable.

the wisteria falls to the ground
heavy from rain

I can't decide whether the entire, sturdy vine has toppled, a disaster, or the rain has beat the delicate petals off and they are now a blanket on the ground, a beautiful site that happens sometimes, a bit sad that they are no longer hang but under the umbrella of Shit Happens.

I don't mind that I can't decide, I'm a fan of anything that gets me thinking about it. I think the word heavy is what leads me to the whole vine detaching even though I can see it describes the rain. If you'd like me to see it one way or the other you might edit those lines a bit, if you were aiming for both, well done.

[LunaDeLore]

Hi, Luna, if you read around the sight or the Important Threads you'll see that the preferred way to post an edit is by placing it above the original in the OP, this way readers new to the thread can crit the current version, reading the entire thread first is not required and for some not preferable.

the wisteria falls to the ground
heavy from rain

I can't decide whether the entire, sturdy vine has toppled, a disaster, or the rain has beat the delicate petals off and they are now a blanket on the ground, a beautiful site that happens sometimes, a bit sad that they are no longer hang but under the umbrella of Shit Happens.

I don't mind that I can't decide, I'm a fan of anything that gets me thinking about it. I think the word heavy is what leads me to the whole vine detaching even though I can see it describes the rain. If you'd like me to see it one way or the other you might edit those lines a bit, if you were aiming for both, well done.

Ella,

Thanks for being helpful and revision wise, I believe I know what to do next go 'round....Anyway, when I sat down to do a vision of the work, I really felt like the whole idea rested on the wisteria. When it rains, it does bend over sometimes and all the beautiful blooms do fall to the ground, blanketing it. And there's also the promise of spring and the wisteria will bloom again. Graves disease is much the same. There's a promise for life, much like spring, after treatment. Needless to say, this means of course there is still much work to do on this poem.

[Todd]

Hi Luna,

Some comments on the revision. I think this is a bit of a step backward though you have made progress in some areas, and I think have helped clarify some issues for me.

So rather than march through the poem, let me make some more global statements.

I would be tempted to lead with your strongest strophe, which I think is S2. Maybe invert S1 and S2 leading with the best image.

I think S1 is cleaner now. 

S2: "like a disease that comes/with a guarantee for tomorrow" This seems a little too direct in the telling of it. You might consider taking it one level up and being more subtle

S3. I have one edit suggestion for you: "Leaving the promise of death to wait"

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

Revision 1.


In the absence of tears
tremors and anxiety
consume the day

the wisteria falls to the ground
heavy from rain
like a disease that comes
with a guarantee for tomorrow

Leaving death to wait


The Original

Don't call my number
___________________

In the absence of tears
Tremors and anxiety consume
Gray day shades of green
 
Wisteria falls to the ground
Heavy in rain
And voices sounding from the television
Wreck silence
 
Graves’ disease prevails
With the guarantee of tomorrow
Leaving death to wait
For the end of a life sentence
 

[LunaDeLore]

S3. I have one edit suggestion for you: "Leaving the promise of death to wait"

Todd,

Your suggestion is good, I'll certainly fit it in on the final revision. It'll be a completely different poem too.


Thanks for taking the time to come back

Luna