Little Brown Women

[Erthona]

Little Brown Women 
 
Little brown women, little brown women,
I love little brown women;
the way they cover their mouth
when they laugh in the morning
as though laughing were a sin.
Everyone should sin so.
 
I love little brown women
in the market at noon
hips swaying to the rhythm
of the breeze in their hair
courting the lusty sun.
Everyone should sway so.
 
I love little brown women,
sitting in the shade, in the evening,
with their small hungry babes
who fiercely suck and paw their breast.
Everyone should sit so.
 
I love little brown women,
at night, when the sky is dark
and the torch lights come out;
eyes shining from reflected light.
Everyone should shine so.
 
 
erthona
 
 
©1998 revised 2016

[Achebe]

Beautiful. The refrain is a delight.
The last stanza had me thinking of hunting (eyes shining in the torchlight), and the preyed upon illegal Mexican immigrants connection.
No crit to offer.

[just mercedes]

I think your choice of title and refrain is unfortunate. It manages to be both sexist and racist, to my ears. No other crit.

[billy]

after reading some comments i have been pondering how to reply to the poem. now i know why i don't usually do it. i think it has an unsophisticated innocence, what you see is what you get. just a couple of nits. it's not going to make people sit back in awe but i think many will smile from the reading of it.

Little Brown Women 
 
Little brown women, little brown women, why say it twice in one line?
I love little brown women;
the way they cover their mouth
when they laugh in the morning
as though laughing were a sin.
Everyone should sin so.
 
I love little brown women
in the market at noon
hips swaying to the rhythm a bit cliche for the subject matter
of the breeze in their hair
courting the lusty sun.
Everyone should sway so.
 
I love little brown women,
sitting in the shade, in the evening,
with their small hungry babes
who fiercely suck and paw their breast.
Everyone should sit so.
 
I love little brown women,
at night, when the sky is dark
and the torch lights come out;
eyes shining from reflected light.
Everyone should shine so.
 
 
erthona
 
 
©1998 revised 2016

[aschueler]

Little Brown Women 
 
Little brown women, little brown women,
I love little brown women;
the way they cover their mouth
when they laugh in the morning
as though laughing were a sin.
Everyone should sin so.
 
I love little brown women
in the market at noon
hips swaying to the rhythm
of the breeze in their hair
courting the lusty sun.
Everyone should sway so.
 
I love little brown women,
sitting in the shade, in the evening,
with their small hungry babes
who fiercely suck and paw their breast.
Everyone should sit so.
 
I love little brown women,
at night, when the sky is dark
and the torch lights come out;
eyes shining from reflected light.
Everyone should shine so.
 
 
erthona
 
 
©1998 revised 2016

I almost missed this poem.  I hate to admit it, but Erthona being the author does change how I would interpret it, as I presume greater depth than perhaps apparent.  Before I am corrected, I know authorship per se shouldn't matter, but life is like that.

So.  


when they laugh in the morning
as though laughing were a sin.
Everyone should sin so.

I think that's a little off but it may be done by design, or maybe you didn't mean trochee per se, and you are used to writing stressed/unstressed naturally.  However it looks like it's just inconsistent.  Then again I could see it 

Everyone should sin so.

I think the strength of the word sin yields it stressed.

Subject matter wise:

I didn't find this sexist.  I think it is partly meant to be challenging.  First, it's not "brown girls"...it's women.  I read this as appreciation of the beauty of little brown women and appreciation of their femininity.  I see this in the word choice, the breast feeding, and the overall tone that avoids anything sexual per se, just gender related.  

Can't tell what nationality we are, but the torches are odd.  Setting is vague as well, which makes interpretation a little more vague and difficult.  Islands?

The areas of weakness I find are:  1.  Repetition in line 1
2.  Second strophe:  hips swaying to what?  rhythm from their hair?  in breeze?  Can't picture it.
3.  Third strophe:  breast feeding is an amazing thing, but fierce just doesn't belong here. 

I enjoyed it, and the thought provocation.

[just mercedes]

http://gas.sagepub.com/content/27/5/659.abstract

The Little Brown Woman
Gender Discrimination in American Medicine

Wasudha Bhatt

University of Texas at Austin

Wasudha Bhatt, University of Texas at Austin, 1 University Station A1700, Austin, TX 78712, USA; e-mail: wasudha.earth@gmail.com.

Abstract

Drawing on 121 in-depth interviews with first- and second-generation women and men physicians of Indian origin in the U.S. Southwest, I examine the incidence and nature of gender-based discrimination in American medicine. I focus on two aspects: (1) gender discrimination by employers and colleagues against women physicians of Indian origin and (2) the interaction of gender discrimination with race in the professional lives of first- and second-generation physicians. U.S. healthcare has become increasingly dependent on immigrants, in particular women physicians, from the developing world. I document the significant impact gender and race can have in molding the professional trajectories of Indian women physicians. The experiences of these physicians help clarify the interaction of skilled migrant workers with racial/ethnic and gender relations in U.S. workplaces.

[Erthona]

Thanks for all the crit. Some I had already contemplated before posting, especially the connection between the sun interposed between the wind in hair and swaying. I have just not come up with an answer to it.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Thanks Achebe, thanks for the read.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
JM wrote: "I think your choice of title and refrain is unfortunate. It manages to be both sexist and racist, to my ears. No other crit."

This was not meant to be sexists, it fact it was meant to be a rebuttal to the term "Little Brown Fuck Machine". I am a feminist, but I do not think that means anti-gender as some feminist seem to be. All these aspects of womanhood described are germane only to women and the are beautiful, not in a sexual or submissive way, but in the way of esthetics. Some people think women should be hard like men (no pun intended), but I think men are hard and cruel enough for both sexes. Not that women cannot be cruel, but in most cases it is a lovers betrayal that makes them that way, or society's devaluing what is naturally wonderful about women, that women feel the need to augment themselves in some way (I don't mean breast). There are just certain things in a woman's nature that men do not possess. If that is sexists, then I stand convicted. Racism, I would have to disagree as they in fact are little, brown and women. If I were to describe a group in a poem as "tall white men" would I be racist?

Tall white men, tall white men,
they're at it again,
trying to win,
stepping on the little one's
they do not see,
nor would they care.
In their suits and ties
and heads all bare.
These tall white men.
Tall white men.

Are both racists? Or if "Little brown women" is racists and "tall white men" is not please explain why? Truly, I don't see the difference.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Billy,

Thanks for the comments.

"hips swaying to the rhythm a bit cliche for the subject matter"

Yes I know, but it does fit it perfectly and I have nothing else that would not seem contrived.

Billy wrote: " it's not going to make people sit back in awe but i think many will smile from the reading of it. "

Well of course you are jaded
___________________________________________________________________________________________

aschueler

In terms of meter, there really is none, it is cadence, but it will always have passages close to meter, or even drop into meter. The rhythm in the line is suppose to reflect the content of the words. In terms of "sin so" since you brought it up, I would give accents to both, saying it as though it were one word, if I were reading it, as it brings out the alliteration and almost gives it the sound of a hiss. But that is simply how I would read it, the writer cannot conduct the reader
The image is mainly drawn from the pacific rim, but also from Mexico, but no specific place other than my mind.

Thanks for the read and the astute comments.


dale

[shemthepenman]

hello,

i read this a few times, and started a critique a few times. . . but, i thought i would wait until your reply to the rest. i was trying to find something more in this than the surface objectification. the last stanza gave some hope, possibly a satirical political poem; but, it would seem that it is just as it reads. which is pretty sexist, whether you intended it to be or not [to be, that is the question]. the phrase 'little brown women' isn't racist, it is patronising, sexist and racist in a way the phrase 'tall white men' isn't. and the 'tall white men' poem you have offered as a comparison, is a little bit racist, as welll. now, i know you are a smart fellow, so i feel odd having to explain that. but, if you describe a people's ethnicity, make it a point, and then go and make general statements about those people, either the word 'white' is redundant, in which case why? or, it is a racially motivated statement. and with regards to sexism, i don't think it is about making everything gender neutral, but rather, maybe try not to patronise people. little brown women giggling in the sun like beautiful idiots, barefoot and pregnant; little brown objects. and furthermore, you said it was a rebuttal to the term 'little brown fuck machine', which i think, though entirely vulgar and deeply sexist, is far more interesting, far more human, far more honest. and by honest, i mean, you could basically swap 'little brown women' with 'little brown fuck machine' and literally lose none of the latent sexism. and, in fact, would serve as a far better satire on the term 'little brown fuck machine'.
i don't know, i just find this poem all kinds of troubling.

having said all that, it is very well written. and to be honest, that sincerity makes it even more troubling.

Little Brown Women 
 
Little brown women, little brown women,
I love little brown women;
the way they cover their mouth
when they laugh in the morning
as though laughing were a sin.
Everyone should sin so.
 
I love little brown women
in the market at noon
hips swaying to the rhythm
of the breeze in their hair
courting the lusty sun.
Everyone should sway so.
 
I love little brown women,
sitting in the shade, in the evening,
with their small hungry babes
who fiercely suck and paw their breast.
Everyone should sit so.
 
I love little brown women,
at night, when the sky is dark
and the torch lights come out;
eyes shining from reflected light.
Everyone should shine so.
 
 
erthona
 
 
©1998 revised 2016

[ellajam]

My impression wasn't sexist or racist. The phrase "little brown women" makes me think of the South American or Mexican Indian women, they have a distinctive short and solid build, I don't need to see their complexions to take a guess at heritage, even walking far behind them they have a presense I too find distinct and beautiful.

I've been thinking about how you might avoid giving readers the impression some seem to have had. First there is the possibility that "brown" is too broad, maybe a sumptuous yet still simple shade of brown might work better. Second, L2 is doing the poem a disservice in its prominent spot because it can be taken as "they turn me on" more than admiration, which for me is how the poem reads, with the turned on part underneath.

The whole hand over mouth, which I love, leads me to women foreign born because most women I know who were raised in the US laugh loudly and open mouthed, and the younger ones all have the selfies posted to prove it. For me the poem showed respect for these women that hold to their own upbringing.

The swaying of the hips, amen, everyone should sway so. It is just a fact in my world that most Hispanic women I know dance better than the rest of us, even the toddlers and seniors move their bodies better than us white girls. I think they're just raised right.

I find the contradiction between V1 and V2 is lovely and rings true, a natural but not flaunting sensuality. V3 shows a group not corseted by puritan heritage.

I found the refrain of "everyone" kept this poem far from sexism, it does not say every woman should be like this, it says we all should have these qualities that the N admires.

Hope this helps.

Little Brown Women  

Little brown women, little brown women,
I love little brown women;
the way they cover their mouth
when they laugh in the morning
as though laughing were a sin.
Everyone should sin so.

I love little brown women
in the market at noon
hips swaying to the rhythm
of the breeze in their hair
courting the lusty sun.
Everyone should sway so.

I love little brown women,
sitting in the shade, in the evening,
with their small hungry babes
who fiercely suck and paw their breast.
Everyone should sit so.

I love little brown women,
at night, when the sky is dark
and the torch lights come out;
eyes shining from reflected light.
Everyone should shine so.

[aschueler]

This all very much interests me, how some of us see it so radically different. It's a close shave.

Should we move it to the arse?

[billy]

no

[Erthona]

aschueler wrote: "This all very much interests me, how some of us see it so radically different."

Indeed!


dale

[tectak]

Little Brown Women 
 
Little brown women, little brown women, Cute. The repeat, one would expect, sets the rhythm.
I love little brown women;...and I CAN make this line follow through. It gallops but doesn't unseat this jockey...
the way they cover their mouth Damn. Thrown...and not to mention their plural, singular mouth. No. Not good enough, dale; and you know it. I hope you intend workshopping this.
when they laugh in the morning
as though laughing were a sin. ...as though laughing was a sin. Use the pronoun substitution to check it out "...it (laughing) were a sin" is incorrect. "it (laughing) was a sin" is correct. There is some muted debate on this as the boolean gets in the way again. You use "as though..." but the use of "was" can follow an "if", which is almost the same, but not quite. As in "If I was a carpenter...". Harrrrumppphh.
Everyone should sin so.
 
I love little brown women
in the market at noon
hips swaying to the rhythm Your hips, their hair? Not convinced of the "rhythm of the breeze in their hair" imagery, either. Only happens at noon? Messy
of the breeze in their hair
courting the lusty sun. What is courting the sun? You do not say.
Everyone should sway so.
 
I love little brown women,
sitting in the shade, in the evening,
with their small hungry babes
who fiercely suck and paw their breast. Oh, come on. This plurality challenged stanza is worserer than the firsterer.It needs looking at. No vernacular excuses. It is just plain wrong
Everyone should sit so.
 
I love little brown women,
at night, when the sky is dark
and the torch lights come out;
eyes shining from reflected light.
Everyone should shine so.
 
 
erthona
 
 
©1998 revised 2016

Hmmm. It is cute  and telling and disarmingly honest and  none the worse for that BUT the message is cryptic; if there is a message. And if there is a message then it should be clearer and if it were to be made clearer then the grammar needs tightening up. Or perhaps there is no message; in which case one can reasonably assume that this is about a pecadillo of the narrator. Either way, it is cute and telling...yada...yada. Poetically it is not your finest hour but my crit is shite, too
Best,
tectak