The Honey Mimics (3700 words)
#1
The Honey Mimics.

am a boy, my Momma called my name Abel, my wagon’s got a broke squeaky wheel.
She sang with the spade; there in her belly he laid, bouncing behind heel to toe, toe to heel.
Beneath us roll weaved, the gripped fingers of trees, as we bound down our found booney path.
There asleep in the stone, A gift awaiting for home, shards of machine born to ages long past.
Whence found where they lay, put a cog to my spade and released them from such needless timbre.
Though they may crave for the cradle, I admit not betrayal, for anew comes their flame unto ember.
O pedestal troven.
“Such relics for trade?” I yelled to the spaed, “Worth what girth of that bounty we lack!
To get up you, old friend, let us walk tall again.” But the spaed gone and said nothin’ back.
In their travelling throne my tired relics did sit, and sang too with that wagon in chorus.
Thence from a shadowy grove, came eyes much a-lit, peering prisma from the shallows of forest.
Trip tailed babes of a fox stood steadfast and watched; their furs pearly, twin the peak’s crown of snow.
Each locked in a gaze on myself and my spade, donned in headdress for husbands of doe.
Gold, sapphire and ruby, eyes admired with beauty, heatly considering my every move,
Becomed me a martyr, for my resolve could not barter, to cease what I knew I would do.
Hush and unspoken.
That moment reigned still on its kingdom until those thrice babes of a fox turned and fled,
Not for fear of the hunt, when returned was the runt, bearing summons to go where they led.
Thus my mind grew to wonder, overwhelmed me a hunger to fathom the ends of their chase.
Woe my will to restrain came flourished un-tame, on mine legs a duet to their pace.
I flew kittened.
As the river does run through the woodland like tongues past rowed teeth in the delta of song,
Such I took to the soil as if settled, kettled and boiled, cook to wither if I linger too long.
Where abreast to my course, with diminished remorse my focus dwelt passless in time;
For the measure I followed came forgotten and swallowed as thrence babes of a fox strayed from mine.
Unto Paradise.
Thus I woke fighting trance, in untold virgin lands with a fist leavened tight bearing spade;
And in time when reflected that moment neglected to parade me of mine wielding portray.
Alas there right before me, bathed in known hindsight of glory, lay a scene only fitting in tome,
A crest, pool and runnel, with horned mount blush of tunnel, among fern-vines in hoops stood of stone.
In the midst of the glade rose a shrine long decayed, a rest in that riot of light;
Where atop grew a giver, bred arching winds in its quiver, bearing fruit of good taste, red and ripe.
Woe temptations unfold; for my comfort did scold, and beget to me mine null of belong.
Whence that flood rung with doubt, did nothing but shout, mute her shores, hence their brute, remained strong.
Eons rude fastened.
Seen hilt in the trunk, as sworn the clergy a monk, ‘tween halos of wood where it lane;
A splinterless throttle, etched, weathered, trapped, bottled, frozen fire, stellar feathered in mane.
Enticed of thine grove my sight anchored in troves to the axe long since bit in the bark.
A master of ease, I bade siren thus pleased to bear witness whims guiltless his lark.
Grown bitter and battened.
That arbor lived slept, in stone, anchored and wept, wishing salvage from splinter designed.
I stepped in approach to the sanctum encroached, un-wit hewn were mine actions of crime.
Thus aft to my nearing that ached olden yearling, there at hand was I lust to take arms.
Thence delivered from snare, unpolished yet fair, blesséd hatchet I vowed free from harm.
Soon vacant of warning a gale came on storming and widened mine eyes to mine errors,
Come before comprehended my elation suspended as I recoiled from that temple in terror.
With anguish.
had arrived on the borders of that now lonesome orchard when I saw myself blind of the spade.
There in bowel of rune, from whence I had strewn, my trowel marooned did remain.
I moved to retire from such blunder transpired when my view met with incarnate fear:
Two eyes burning amber that slid without scamper, from the tangles erupt locked in leer.
Behemoth enticed.
Seen parallel to the lake, a limbless cold drake. Worm of stomach, ribcage rose to spine;
Abount spilling in splendour, showing teeth repremander, among fanned frills, unseen shoulders, divine.
Wrapped in ivory scales surmount a rattled whip tail woe she slithered with intimate ease,
Ne’er veering her vision, with suspicious decision she came halt at the wound of the tree.
Maintaining her stare, grown still was the air, in basking where perched on herself.
Of the midst twenty rungs: that forked, intent tongue trembled known of mine taken wealth.
Whence looking away it ate up my spade and swallowed calculated in glee,
Thence requested my leave in silence conceived of no charge, nor chase, fight nor flee.
Provoken in yielding.
I made my escape with cowardly haste sought not to warrant our glares ever meet.
Thence bid my defeat to ne’er repeat, whence declared my surrender born meek.
Thus returning campaign marinated my mind and cast that journey the longer.
Thence path I had known, reformed unfit to find, birthed my course less an ends more a wander.
Ado that wagon discovered, though forfeit her brother, t’was given a newfound companion.
Though she now be unsung, to her lost comrade she clung, mum yearning reverse of abandon.
Mine shelter of healing.
Come returned to my bode; depleted, betrothed to the waste of weary body and mind,
Delivered at foots, lump sullied in soots lay the relics whence I set out to find.
Looked upon my old friend, set to walk tall again. Man of bone and iron, tween leather to bind.
Alas mine spade was of him, and I knew it a sin, woe to borrow and thence leave behind.
Like by frost unto lumbers I did rend unto slumber, whence settled before balmy hearth.
I dreamt of that trowel, vestal axe splitting her jowls, whence threats of the serpent come thwart.
Thus plunge unto her belly, refuse her be deadly, and retrieve what of mine she took, cherished.
Thence to conclude my reprise, gouge thine golden eyes, and leave her so blind as to perish.
On mending.
Whence awoke from the floor I roused prayer for thine Lords to pilot mine palms unto skill.
For a tinkering task was upon me at last where triumph bode trust to their will.
Bathing pinions in beck, ridden oil, soil and dreck, come as fit to commit steady service.
Whence fixed and of deck, wrought in back, knee and neck, rigged heavy and ready, though nervous.
Ignition!
From some arcane nameless fuel came sired life in the ghoul, eyes awoke and movement beheld.
At first just a sputter, but thence came another, mere moments before he stood without fell.
Thence agony burgeon, distress was most urgent, for he wailed as in plummet to tomb;
So in feigned panic I leapt upon his arms for protect from a dangerous peril removed.
Came calm was the sputter, when seal gazed there like brothers, he released me from bear of his arm.
I told of our mission, thence the serpent’s perdition, intent to beguile by night unalarmed.
Crusade!
Riding strength of his shoulders, we march on as soldiers un-trodden our path had endured.
Bearing helmet and axe, among schemes for a trap: a snare threshed of hawser and lure.
Whence sight forebode us of dale, came hidden latent in veil, we fashioned an atlas of ruse.
It was splendid and pure, drawn fool proof, as a cure; for livid vengeance in teeming was muse.
A ruse set in waiting.
Come hours tailing twilight, a noose built for its birth-right, contrived for thine purpose at dawn;
But whence day break delivered, trip lingered un-slivered, for company of snake beast came gone.
Approaching with hatchet, contemplating my casket, I brave baited that garden in wait.
Abrupt bloomed from the brambles, she slithered aimless in amble, but ignored otherwise to my fate.
Thus returned to mine greed, I forbade any heed, so ordered my iron pard to entice,
To harvest the fruits from the youngest of shoots, and in loss of success venture twice.
So twice he did prune and in similar swoon, our leviathan charged without chase,
Obtuse came frustration as without beg of salvation a grounded crown from the trunk I would make.
Sung echo un-fading.
walloping sheath, a decisive blunt cleave, sole a blow to that bole column of knots,
But as boughs broke and snapped in the cascade of collapse, from my plinth unto basin was I knocked.
Thence redeemed from the water, like nursling from daughter, I arose now as bribe in accede.
From furious brackens, an attacking in action, that python produced in stampede.
With lunge writ of legend, twinned speed only from engine, she barraged in volleyed foray;
I took with ambition, as our plot came to fruition; infernal huntress had wane unto prey.
Like the tide coaxed to crest, hoaxed for lust of mine flesh she swam unto ambush seduced.
Seized was the monster! Thence hark to conjure and boast spade among purposeful wound.
Chord and collar.
We strapped her down taut, until in silence she fought, for her vigour was harnessed to boon.
The skies grew bedimmed, as my mind frothed at my chin, and the mist quickly birthed to monsoon.
Wherein hesitation, overwhelmed with elation, her fierce thrashing lived largely unseen.
As stone beneath skin, the spade buttress within, dwelling sought calling and boasten between.
Come to carve an incision, with mine hatchet and vision, thence relinquish from cage O mine prize;
But not with precision, for it was my fated decision, to lacerate, wait and watch empress die.
A hack unto husk, formed an unwelcome tusk, but brandished seeped helve from the beast,
Gripping at tiller thence yanked, come bewildered, for I’d driven that demon released.
Thus fortune betrayed!
For it was not stock of mine spade but a fang of ribcage t’was ripped, thus had broke from her scales.
She wretched and she writhed, thence wrecked from her ties, and lashed at mine self with her tail.
As hammer upon glass, that rudder ruled shattered and flat, my body, a slave to its aim.
Thus hence akin to our actions, irony had veered factions and again waned hunter to prey.
Prone Swanling Became.
Thence beheld from below, defenseless, exposed; I faltered to balk as she grew,
An advance lacking heed for my pard’s tangible plead to arrest retribution pursued.
A mythical lurch obliged to quenching blood thirst, that cobra onslaught toward feed.
A fortuitous strafe, a countered escape, in spontaneous intervention of need.
She gnarled the ground, snarled a hideous sound, thence revealed her glare unto mine.
In such meager breadth, shone my reflection to depths within her infernos of eyes.
To hurl without aim.
I swung at the titan, and plunged into her frightened, the hatchet I plundered thence prior;
Whence stuck in her neck, blessed weapon she wept, for now siphon of claret proved dire.
To forsook any linger, as a bolt flung from trigger, mine instinct mandated retreat;
With tenacity unrivaled and swiftness unbridled that fear had waxed unto steed.
Thus fled.
Though harbour uncharted, its discovery thwarted, still alone was I farther in faring.
Panicked in pace, a horror of haste, whilst unbeknownst remained was mine bearing.
Atop lopsided earth, came adrift was my perch, thus in that frantic sequester I stumbled.
Becomed me a trundling as descending in tumbling, neared to threatening tangles of trouble.
To Blossom Spicated.
Woe to touch thorn of rose by any other mode, she would still come to prickle as sharp.
Alas not traditional nettle for blue-black was the petal, colossal fronds spangled motley & dark.
T’was malicious, this thicket, venomous & wicked, possessed dangerous beauty grown lush;
In the midst of its coil, waited escape, costly toil, upon spine in thine side was I thrust.
Forlorn siren of companion, crying out from my canyon, to find and deliver from labyrinth.
But thence barb took effect, as from grove hindered I crept, mind warbled, as if simmered in absinthe.
Vanished was I.
Rolled onto my back, unwit to time that had passed, I unfolded mine eyes to the heavens;
Found myself not secluded, for from a branch came protruded, what I thought a mirage sired of venom.
An alabaster sculpture in the form of a vulture watched balanced on branches above.
As my vision returned I expeditiously learned, t’was no illusion, but genuine buzzard thereof.
In heavy silence mine gaze left his cardinal glower unphased, as a stalemate between came to be,
From his pedestal flown, to mine grounded throne, his approach seeped in warrant of flee.
For in fearing the worst, over me boiling came thirst to ask that raptor of mine ward.
I knew it to be odd at foreboding fowl to prod, thus for answers I turned to mine Lords.
A hymn from inside.
In prayer to myself I asked divine help, “Come to make me of his company imbued!”
Thence came a reply, not from above but beside, whence quoth the vulture “look at you.”
“Respite me, O death,” I plead under my breath, “T’was a sin to disrupt what was made.
This quill in my belly, I bid as unwelcome as deadly and vow to emend all blunders in exchange!”
Mine vision still blurred as mine thoughts remained slurred, and the world grew a deeper dark hue.
“If this be mine ends, I wish been forgiven offence”, quoth the vulture, again, “look at you.”
Thus Result.
Blind came my view, unable to move, mine spirit and mine will withered static;
Thence abreast to my death, was a brilliance born blessed and a warmth, inviting and vatic.
T’was the touch of a mother upon the skin of her brother, I was lifted, and glimpsed mine redeemer.
Wearing the whitest of shall, sapphire eyes in her skull, beneath antlered crown in grandiose demeanour.
“Go lay him in tarn & bathe him of harm at the foot of mine altar in terrace.
Thence once he is washed, take this cider of wasp, and rub at his wound or he’ll perish.”
From the fold of her gown she bestowed to my nestle, a gift wrapped in calico weave.
No more than a pound, adored tonic in vessel, a potion sworn veer of bereave.
As she spoke to my cradle, I struggled, unable, to voice much more than a murmur.
Thence my ward leapt to hasten, restored us from basin, came flew through that morass with fervor.
Wary trance Mandated.
Mine cognizance broken, mine waking revoken, I slipped past the comfort of slumber.
I dreamt of a mountain, its silver roads and their fountains, that by their own brethren, were plundered.
I was roused by the waters and a heinous dull holler, thence awoke lone and partly submersed;
Hark, that howl was of me, whence realized where I be, and damned it a curious curse.
O The site of the sin, becometh us kin, woe that pearl serpent still spread limp in abandon.
With the greatest remorse I gazed at the source of her agony, now mine, twinned in tandem.
Clasping my thorn, I tore it from bourn, and welcomed his residual torture.
For I bound to her, whence to ripen a cure, and banish the fruits of mine horror.
Repenting in Fever.
Whence returned was my pard, bearing balm for mine scar, the syrup of drone hovelled hive;
Thence smearing the treacle, he forbade rose be lethal, made safeguard mine health as to thrive.
Ordered to retrieve and return by the eve, my companion sought means to endure;
He was to assemble a bode, for I was to requite what was owed, until return of her weal was sure.
Reparation Unmeager.
plead for the Gods, “Bid to me revealed, the fount of mine serum blesséd.”
From the wood howled a dog, singing promise of heal, and mine following zealous requested.
Limped to monolith surrounding, unto pure fated founding, an apiary lay waiting and hallowed.
Its swarm proved benign, housed in grail, seething shrine, wine of hornet brewed, yet to be fallowed.
With yield of such effort, I promised us bettered, mended by elixir of flora;
It shone profound tincture, hues unknown in mixture, emitting such apothicous aura.
Be I shaman?
Wrapping honey in twill, meshing our presence in trill, I encroached upon the exhausted lame tail,
From a reliable seat, our flesh came to meet, mine skin given taste of her scales.
The void of her vision peered through the incision she gave upon our decrepit embrace.
Thence advancing in slivers to the root of her hinders, I pined for her relieved of our fates.
There barbed was mine trophy, ridden of honour, unholy, becomed it a blemish obtuse.
A strange revelation gave myself in elation, rasp as virgin was cherished, not use.
I dabbed at her wound, smelt the heat it exhumed, whilst beseeched were mine whispers of calm;
In prayer for true temperance, mine action bore semblance of atonement born hatchet in palm.
Mine Self Shone Anew.
With a sorrowful heave that axe came uncleaved whence last vestige of might sang displayed,
Her furious bearing upon surrenderous erring, I stood banished of bother, self or spade.
The threat met stagnation as she collapsed in prostration, not heeding my unknown intention.
Thence with nectar remaining, I lathered unwaiting, parturition from greed mine abstention.
Thus my regret sang to beckon to mine wielding of weapon; such I cast it afar as rejected.
Accursed was its grace, as too was mine fate woe for it to have ever been collected.
Thus Haven Intrepid.
Carried wherewithal yield, our ward was revealed thus undertook to carpent of dwelling,
As the sun fell surceased, parallel was the peace, for crimson from grove stare bore swelling.
Many moons we remained, each night those eyes flamed at our camp from beyond shored lagoon.
Vigil strong of my queen, they watched as we gleaned, reaping strength of which I had strewn.
Her Fondness Grown Tepid.
Every morrow I woke and with the serpent I spoke as I dressed at those clefts with our honey.
Soon she did rouse, to slither and browse about our garden on days warm, fair and sunny.
We harvested arbor, to feed her that we harbor, brewing pap of fruit mash and molass.
Thence on the fortieth dusk, rose an ominous hush, lulled the trickling riv unto glass.
I waited on guard with cursed hatchet and pard, for I knew that a peril approached,
Alas I hew into resting, left defenseless my nesting, only awoken by the rustling of poach.
Cometh shining from shadow, blood russet of harrow, gawk beamed spilling with impatience of urge;
Thence took to the skies, those mad ruby eyes, and dove much intended to scourge.
Wingéd Beast!
T’was a colossus of owl, screech the zenith of prowl, wielding talons taught eager to slaughter;
It plunged at my venus with terrible keenness, as she bathed unaware in deaf waters.
I shrieked for my goddess, to avoid need of solace, but that ambush was dauntless and held;
In the last of her moments, we locked gaze in atonement, our tumult came genuine quelled.
Abrupt overhead, there flew pouncing in tread, a behemoth of hound fierce and noble,
Pallid in mane, bulwark in aim, that wolf seized our villain immobile.
In turning she growled, beryl eyes burning scowled thence roared with a deafening vigor.
Frozen in fright, I stood drown in plight, unable to answer her rigor.
Immense Rivals!
In brawling wild battle, they scathed and they grappled, a raging struggle in skirmish throughout.
Tooth against talon, both fearless and gallant, they thrust duel on a rampaging route.
Thence the bird waged a fluke, and with a felicitous juke, it clawed at the hide of the mongrel;
Thence barraged at the serpent with war distilled purpose, thwarting escape into jungle.
My taciturn screams reared of silent esteem when in foray with the thunderous hound;
She flanked at the fowl, helmed its maw in her jowls, thence sundered its carcass to ground.
Thence cobra coiled round, and presented me crowned, as the repenter recovered her ails;
The dog heaving heavy, in a pant less than steady, harness revival in the wake of assail.
Hence accrued.
She turned to confront, in her eyes I saw the runt, that first invited mine presence to dale.
“You are the maiden! She saved me when laden, came poisoned by rose thorn impaled.”
She did not voice an answer, but instead produced antlers, attesting mine inkling as true.
“But why a runt if a changer?” Thence she spake “strength is danger.” before strode into wood out of view.
In the Moon’s silver shade laid awake in the braids of my serpents now loving embrace,
I knew it be the last of the nights that had passed whence together in glade undisplaced.
By the morn was I lone with my companion and home, left to tend those saplings that grew;
From the seeds of our time; collected, sublime. What mine old self had timbered; Anew.
So be it.
T’was nearly a year before she appeared, without warning in the fine fog of dawn,
Neither did we voice our awaited rejoice, nor did we move to be moreover withdrawn.
In our company basked, ignoring time as it passed, I gaveth her rib I’d deprived.
Thence offered from wreath she placed at my feet, that damn spade which had us collide.
T’was tied on by its blade to a masked speckled egg, where in kneeling I pondered their worth.
Whence looking again, gone t’was my friend, but not heartsick nor was I willed unto search.
“We here shall remain at your orchard in reign.” said I for pard cometh trailing from shack.
“Who is she I wonder? Should we love her as brothers?” but the spaed gone and said nothin’ back.
Thy Daughter & Thy Darling, Without End.
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#2
Ok, I'm going to be honest -- I sat down with the intention of reading this whole thing through (I don't have a problem with long poems, epics are my happy place) but aside from a cursory scan, I didn't get past the first stanza.  Here's why.

You use rhyme throughout with no sense of any meter, not even an irregular one.  You said you're a lyricist and this is actually a common problem shifting between genres (and the reason why though poetic on occasion, lyrics are not the same as poems).  With lyrics, you've got the music to hide behind but here you have nothing but the words.  Now, I'm not saying that poems are a more difficult or challenging thing by any stretch, because I've tried and failed to write any decent lyrics, but they are definitely different. (As an aside, my other half used to be a lyricist -- then I taught him to write poetry, he learned about meter, became obsessed with getting it perfect and says I ruined him for lyrics forever.  I'm considerate like that.  You have been warned.)

The second major fault is extraneous words.  Again, probably fine in a song where people are going to gloss over them, but there's no gloss available here.  Look at your first line.

I am a boy, my Momma called my name Abel, my wagon’s got a broke squeaky wheel.

While partly this is setting up the character's language patterns, it's actually rather pointless because you do abandon that pattern pretty much entirely in short order and shift into archaisms that I can only assume you think are poetic, but are in fact just anachronistic.  There are plenty of fancy ways to say things without resorting to whence, unto, etc (which, by the way, you don't use properly -- another common fault.  "Whence" is not the same as "where" -- it means "from what place" e.g. from whence he came.  "Unto" doesn't mean the same as "into" or even just the simple "to" -- it implies a gathering, summoning or gifting, i.e. an action rather than just something that happens, and that doesn't work for flames and embers.)  I do get that there's a language shift because of time travel but it's too abrupt, to complete and not well handled.

She sang with the spade; there in her belly he laid, bouncing behind heel to toe, toe to heel.

When I first read this, I thought that the narrator had killed his mother by plunging a spade into her belly.  I scanned the rest of the poem for evidence of this, or motive, or any indication that the "mother" was a metaphor, but couldn't find it in the confusion so I'm left with two possible answers:  one, that there are so many twists and turns of phrase that the story is entirely lost (this is true even without the mother problem); or two, that it's just really bad phrasing and doesn't mean that at all.  I'm also disturbed by the shift in the spelling of "spade/spaed".  "Spaed" implies prophesy but I don't really see any evidence that this implement is some kind of metaphorical seer.

Like I sad, I've scanned the entire poem but haven't done close reading because frankly, it's just not a pleasurable way to spend a couple of hours.   It's as if W.B. Yeats and Jules Verne had a bastard child they locked in an abandoned greenhouse.  

That is not to say there's nothing workable here.  I suggest clarifying the thread of your poem, deciding which myths you want to reimagine, and writing a series of shorter, more coherent poems that engage from the outset.
It could be worse
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#3
First let me say that I'm not meaning anything here as an argument. I don't really know that much about poetry beyond what I gather on my own accord, most of which is from poetry thats centuries old, or songwriters. I just want to explain my thinking and hopefully you can respond because I'm totally all ears. That being said, I don't mean to use any specific poetic meter, its basically just a 5/6 - 6/7 - 9/10 syllables rhythm. I know that isn't any acceptable poetic anything, but really this is a fable; it's meant to be heard rather than read. More or less it is still a song/hymn. I don't really know if that makes a difference. I know it doesn't really count as freeverse, but it also isn't proper iambic or anything throughout.
It might be worth breaking up how it's written like this:

That moment reigned still
On it's kingdom until,
Those thrice babes of a fox turned and fled.

Not for fear of the hunt,
when returned was the runt,
bearing summons to go where they led.

Let me know if that would be better. As for the language used, I don't mean to use 'whence' to mean anything like 'where from' or 'where' at all, its actually just supposed to be a synonym of 'when' and 'thence' is 'then'. Originally I had them spelled 'whens' and 'thens' to avoid this exact confusion, but was advised to change it because of how it was being pronounced. Basically it's just how the characters in the larger narrative talk. I quite like it but I'm considering totally getting rid of it as no changes seem to work and this keeps happening.
I *think* I used unto properly. I didn't mean a literal flame and ember, it was actually a metaphor for the cog's purpose and place. They had been gathered together and moved to be used again with a new purpose. I'm sure throughout it I did use an unto improperly, I've just read through this some many times that I'm having trouble picking up on that stuff, which is why I'm turning to the internet (my friends aren't big readers).
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by time travel, but if you mean travelling through time I would like to clear that up because there isn't supposed to be any of that going on.
The 'she' in 'she sang with the spade' is the wagon. Its basically just saying that the squeaky wagon and the shovel laying in it were making a lot of noise as they were being pulled. The mother actually comes in with the 'spaed' part. Spaed as in the old english of spayed. It's a character revealed later, which is his reason for digging up the gears in the first place. it's a woman that is essentially dead, and in turn barren, hence 'spayed'. The confusion with the shovel is intentional.
I'm not sure what you got from the first stanza, but all that I mean to say is that a young boy dragged his wagon and shovel through the woods and dug up some old gears that were buried there.
The main problems that I've run into is that people find the styling too old fashioned, but not classical enough to warrant it, and it clashes with the child narrator. I got entirely kicked out of another website like this one because of it actually. Maybe I'm in the wrong place again, I'm not sure.
Hopefully this cleared something/anything up, I really do want to improve this. I hope I haven't convinced you otherwise.
Thy Daughter & Thy Darling, Without End.
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#4
No, you're not in the wrong place as you're amenable to suggestion and this isn't fatally flawed.  It is really hard going and because of the style, the language and the excess verbiage it does not invite close reading.  I know this sounds awful, but I found that I just didn't want to know what the poem was about.  Narrative poetry is something of a passion of mine and I like to read stories in verse, but that comes with a caveat:  they must be well-told, engaging and pleasing to the ear, particularly if you intend it as a fireside tale.  No bard would have sung, or recited, without meter (that doesn't mean it has to be iambic, and it actually doesn't even mean that it needs to be regular meter, just with emphasis that falls in the correct places.  

Let's take your example.

That moment reigned still
On it's kingdom until,
Those thrice babes of a fox turned and fled. -- this line, regardless of the number of syllables, is stressed wrongly.  If you take out "those", it works better.

Not for fear of the hunt,
when returned was the runt,
bearing summons to go where they led. -- now this line, even though it has the same number of syllables as your corresponding one in the previous stanza, also has its stresses in the right place.  

English is not a language with regular stresses and therefore you can't use it as you would French or Italian, which are languages that can handle isosyllabic lines (syllable counting only).  Similarly, the bardic forms in Irish and Welsh count syllables because their language works that way.  We can't do that in English because it ends up sounding wrong, unless you force a mispronunciation of words and that's just awful, especially in spoken forms.  You are correct in that it would be better spread out into stanzas of shorter lines, but you're going to end up with a very long poem that still isn't holding the reader's attention unless you really seriously consider what it is you want to say and how you want to say it.  It's no good having a clever idea that you don't communicate.

Just so you know, if I thought it was a complete write-off I wouldn't have wasted a couple of hours reading this and critiquing at all.  And we would never kick someone off the site because we don't like their poems, just because we don't like their attitude -- which is mostly people telling us that they're right and we're wrong instead of remembering that you write for an audience and if your audience is not receiving your message then you're not sending it properly.
It could be worse
Reply
#5
Oh jeez, A nursery rhyme type deal is actually what I was going for. I even have a guy doing illustrations. I don't know how I should feel about that anymore...
Thy Daughter & Thy Darling, Without End.
Reply
#6
Hysterical Yes, you're definitely in the right place!
It could be worse
Reply
#7
hi king. me too, i saw something in there but lost it and my breath.
the lines between verses worked well enough as a poem on their own but in general the poem buried me.
i know this is serious and i should give some cohesive feedback but i need a stiff drink after this read. it's has potential but i'm not capable of showing you where it is Big Grin good to see you posting, i'll do better next time
Reply
#8
(03-31-2016, 06:14 AM)Lip Kingdavid Wrote:  
The Honey Mimics.

am a boy, my Momma called my name Abel, my wagon’s got a broke squeaky wheel.
She sang with the spade; there in her belly he laid, bouncing behind heel to toe, toe to heel.
Beneath us roll weaved, the gripped fingers of trees, as we bound down our found booney path.
There asleep in the stone, A gift awaiting for home, shards of machine born to ages long past.
Whence found where they lay, put a cog to my spade and released them from such needless timbre.
Though they may crave for the cradle, I admit not betrayal, for anew comes their flame unto ember.
O pedestal troven.
“Such relics for trade?” I yelled to the spaed, “Worth what girth of that bounty we lack!
To get up you, old friend, let us walk tall again.” But the spaed gone and said nothin’ back.
In their travelling throne my tired relics did sit, and sang too with that wagon in chorus.
Thence from a shadowy grove, came eyes much a-lit, peering prisma from the shallows of forest.
Trip tailed babes of a fox stood steadfast and watched; their furs pearly, twin the peak’s crown of snow.
Each locked in a gaze on myself and my spade, donned in headdress for husbands of doe.
Gold, sapphire and ruby, eyes admired with beauty, heatly considering my every move,
Becomed me a martyr, for my resolve could not barter, to cease what I knew I would do.
Hush and unspoken.
That moment reigned still on its kingdom until those thrice babes of a fox turned and fled,
Not for fear of the hunt, when returned was the runt, bearing summons to go where they led.
Thus my mind grew to wonder, overwhelmed me a hunger to fathom the ends of their chase.
Woe my will to restrain came flourished un-tame, on mine legs a duet to their pace.
I flew kittened.
As the river does run through the woodland like tongues past rowed teeth in the delta of song,
Such I took to the soil as if settled, kettled and boiled, cook to wither if I linger too long.
Where abreast to my course, with diminished remorse my focus dwelt passless in time;
For the measure I followed came forgotten and swallowed as thrence babes of a fox strayed from mine.
Unto Paradise.
Thus I woke fighting trance, in untold virgin lands with a fist leavened tight bearing spade;
And in time when reflected that moment neglected to parade me of mine wielding portray.
Alas there right before me, bathed in known hindsight of glory, lay a scene only fitting in tome,
A crest, pool and runnel, with horned mount blush of tunnel, among fern-vines in hoops stood of stone.
In the midst of the glade rose a shrine long decayed, a rest in that riot of light;
Where atop grew a giver, bred arching winds in its quiver, bearing fruit of good taste, red and ripe.
Woe temptations unfold; for my comfort did scold, and beget to me mine null of belong.
Whence that flood rung with doubt, did nothing but shout, mute her shores, hence their brute, remained strong.
Eons rude fastened.
Seen hilt in the trunk, as sworn the clergy a monk, ‘tween halos of wood where it lane;
A splinterless throttle, etched, weathered, trapped, bottled, frozen fire, stellar feathered in mane.
Enticed of thine grove my sight anchored in troves to the axe long since bit in the bark.
A master of ease, I bade siren thus pleased to bear witness whims guiltless his lark.
Grown bitter and battened.
That arbor lived slept, in stone, anchored and wept, wishing salvage from splinter designed.
I stepped in approach to the sanctum encroached, un-wit hewn were mine actions of crime.
Thus aft to my nearing that ached olden yearling, there at hand was I lust to take arms.
Thence delivered from snare, unpolished yet fair, blesséd hatchet I vowed free from harm.
Soon vacant of warning a gale came on storming and widened mine eyes to mine errors,
Come before comprehended my elation suspended as I recoiled from that temple in terror.
With anguish.
had arrived on the borders of that now lonesome orchard when I saw myself blind of the spade.
There in bowel of rune, from whence I had strewn, my trowel marooned did remain.
I moved to retire from such blunder transpired when my view met with incarnate fear:
Two eyes burning amber that slid without scamper, from the tangles erupt locked in leer.
Behemoth enticed.
Seen parallel to the lake, a limbless cold drake. Worm of stomach, ribcage rose to spine;
Abount spilling in splendour, showing teeth repremander, among fanned frills, unseen shoulders, divine.
Wrapped in ivory scales surmount a rattled whip tail woe she slithered with intimate ease,
Ne’er veering her vision, with suspicious decision she came halt at the wound of the tree.
Maintaining her stare, grown still was the air, in basking where perched on herself.
Of the midst twenty rungs: that forked, intent tongue trembled known of mine taken wealth.
Whence looking away it ate up my spade and swallowed calculated in glee,
Thence requested my leave in silence conceived of no charge, nor chase, fight nor flee.
Provoken in yielding.
I made my escape with cowardly haste sought not to warrant our glares ever meet.
Thence bid my defeat to ne’er repeat, whence declared my surrender born meek.
Thus returning campaign marinated my mind and cast that journey the longer.
Thence path I had known, reformed unfit to find, birthed my course less an ends more a wander.
Ado that wagon discovered, though forfeit her brother, t’was given a newfound companion.
Though she now be unsung, to her lost comrade she clung, mum yearning reverse of abandon.
Mine shelter of healing.
Come returned to my bode; depleted, betrothed to the waste of weary body and mind,
Delivered at foots, lump sullied in soots lay the relics whence I set out to find.
Looked upon my old friend, set to walk tall again. Man of bone and iron, tween leather to bind.
Alas mine spade was of him, and I knew it a sin, woe to borrow and thence leave behind.
Like by frost unto lumbers I did rend unto slumber, whence settled before balmy hearth.
I dreamt of that trowel, vestal axe splitting her jowls, whence threats of the serpent come thwart.
Thus plunge unto her belly, refuse her be deadly, and retrieve what of mine she took, cherished.
Thence to conclude my reprise, gouge thine golden eyes, and leave her so blind as to perish.
On mending.
Whence awoke from the floor I roused prayer for thine Lords to pilot mine palms unto skill.
For a tinkering task was upon me at last where triumph bode trust to their will.
Bathing pinions in beck, ridden oil, soil and dreck, come as fit to commit steady service.
Whence fixed and of deck, wrought in back, knee and neck, rigged heavy and ready, though nervous.
Ignition!
From some arcane nameless fuel came sired life in the ghoul, eyes awoke and movement beheld.
At first just a sputter, but thence came another, mere moments before he stood without fell.
Thence agony burgeon, distress was most urgent, for he wailed as in plummet to tomb;
So in feigned panic I leapt upon his arms for protect from a dangerous peril removed.
Came calm was the sputter, when seal gazed there like brothers, he released me from bear of his arm.
I told of our mission, thence the serpent’s perdition, intent to beguile by night unalarmed.
Crusade!
Riding strength of his shoulders, we march on as soldiers un-trodden our path had endured.
Bearing helmet and axe, among schemes for a trap: a snare threshed of hawser and lure.
Whence sight forebode us of dale, came hidden latent in veil, we fashioned an atlas of ruse.
It was splendid and pure, drawn fool proof, as a cure; for livid vengeance in teeming was muse.
A ruse set in waiting.
Come hours tailing twilight, a noose built for its birth-right, contrived for thine purpose at dawn;
But whence day break delivered, trip lingered un-slivered, for company of snake beast came gone.
Approaching with hatchet, contemplating my casket, I brave baited that garden in wait.
Abrupt bloomed from the brambles, she slithered aimless in amble, but ignored otherwise to my fate.
Thus returned to mine greed, I forbade any heed, so ordered my iron pard to entice,
To harvest the fruits from the youngest of shoots, and in loss of success venture twice.
So twice he did prune and in similar swoon, our leviathan charged without chase,
Obtuse came frustration as without beg of salvation a grounded crown from the trunk I would make.
Sung echo un-fading.
walloping sheath, a decisive blunt cleave, sole a blow to that bole column of knots,
But as boughs broke and snapped in the cascade of collapse, from my plinth unto basin was I knocked.
Thence redeemed from the water, like nursling from daughter, I arose now as bribe in accede.
From furious brackens, an attacking in action, that python produced in stampede.
With lunge writ of legend, twinned speed only from engine, she barraged in volleyed foray;
I took with ambition, as our plot came to fruition; infernal huntress had wane unto prey.
Like the tide coaxed to crest, hoaxed for lust of mine flesh she swam unto ambush seduced.
Seized was the monster! Thence hark to conjure and boast spade among purposeful wound.
Chord and collar.
We strapped her down taut, until in silence she fought, for her vigour was harnessed to boon.
The skies grew bedimmed, as my mind frothed at my chin, and the mist quickly birthed to monsoon.
Wherein hesitation, overwhelmed with elation, her fierce thrashing lived largely unseen.
As stone beneath skin, the spade buttress within, dwelling sought calling and boasten between.
Come to carve an incision, with mine hatchet and vision, thence relinquish from cage O mine prize;
But not with precision, for it was my fated decision, to lacerate, wait and watch empress die.
A hack unto husk, formed an unwelcome tusk, but brandished seeped helve from the beast,
Gripping at tiller thence yanked, come bewildered, for I’d driven that demon released.
Thus fortune betrayed!
For it was not stock of mine spade but a fang of ribcage t’was ripped, thus had broke from her scales.
She wretched and she writhed, thence wrecked from her ties, and lashed at mine self with her tail.
As hammer upon glass, that rudder ruled shattered and flat, my body, a slave to its aim.
Thus hence akin to our actions, irony had veered factions and again waned hunter to prey.
Prone Swanling Became.
Thence beheld from below, defenseless, exposed; I faltered to balk as she grew,
An advance lacking heed for my pard’s tangible plead to arrest retribution pursued.
A mythical lurch obliged to quenching blood thirst, that cobra onslaught toward feed.
A fortuitous strafe, a countered escape, in spontaneous intervention of need.
She gnarled the ground, snarled a hideous sound, thence revealed her glare unto mine.
In such meager breadth, shone my reflection to depths within her infernos of eyes.
To hurl without aim.
I swung at the titan, and plunged into her frightened, the hatchet I plundered thence prior;
Whence stuck in her neck, blessed weapon she wept, for now siphon of claret proved dire.
To forsook any linger, as a bolt flung from trigger, mine instinct mandated retreat;
With tenacity unrivaled and swiftness unbridled that fear had waxed unto steed.
Thus fled.
Though harbour uncharted, its discovery thwarted, still alone was I farther in faring.
Panicked in pace, a horror of haste, whilst unbeknownst remained was mine bearing.
Atop lopsided earth, came adrift was my perch, thus in that frantic sequester I stumbled.
Becomed me a trundling as descending in tumbling, neared to threatening tangles of trouble.
To Blossom Spicated.
Woe to touch thorn of rose by any other mode, she would still come to prickle as sharp.
Alas not traditional nettle for blue-black was the petal, colossal fronds spangled motley & dark.
T’was malicious, this thicket, venomous & wicked, possessed dangerous beauty grown lush;
In the midst of its coil, waited escape, costly toil, upon spine in thine side was I thrust.
Forlorn siren of companion, crying out from my canyon, to find and deliver from labyrinth.
But thence barb took effect, as from grove hindered I crept, mind warbled, as if simmered in absinthe.
Vanished was I.
Rolled onto my back, unwit to time that had passed, I unfolded mine eyes to the heavens;
Found myself not secluded, for from a branch came protruded, what I thought a mirage sired of venom.
An alabaster sculpture in the form of a vulture watched balanced on branches above.
As my vision returned I expeditiously learned, t’was no illusion, but genuine buzzard thereof.
In heavy silence mine gaze left his cardinal glower unphased, as a stalemate between came to be,
From his pedestal flown, to mine grounded throne, his approach seeped in warrant of flee.
For in fearing the worst, over me boiling came thirst to ask that raptor of mine ward.
I knew it to be odd at foreboding fowl to prod, thus for answers I turned to mine Lords.
A hymn from inside.
In prayer to myself I asked divine help, “Come to make me of his company imbued!”
Thence came a reply, not from above but beside, whence quoth the vulture “look at you.”
“Respite me, O death,” I plead under my breath, “T’was a sin to disrupt what was made.
This quill in my belly, I bid as unwelcome as deadly and vow to emend all blunders in exchange!”
Mine vision still blurred as mine thoughts remained slurred, and the world grew a deeper dark hue.
“If this be mine ends, I wish been forgiven offence”, quoth the vulture, again, “look at you.”
Thus Result.
Blind came my view, unable to move, mine spirit and mine will withered static;
Thence abreast to my death, was a brilliance born blessed and a warmth, inviting and vatic.
T’was the touch of a mother upon the skin of her brother, I was lifted, and glimpsed mine redeemer.
Wearing the whitest of shall, sapphire eyes in her skull, beneath antlered crown in grandiose demeanour.
“Go lay him in tarn & bathe him of harm at the foot of mine altar in terrace.
Thence once he is washed, take this cider of wasp, and rub at his wound or he’ll perish.”
From the fold of her gown she bestowed to my nestle, a gift wrapped in calico weave.
No more than a pound, adored tonic in vessel, a potion sworn veer of bereave.
As she spoke to my cradle, I struggled, unable, to voice much more than a murmur.
Thence my ward leapt to hasten, restored us from basin, came flew through that morass with fervor.
Wary trance Mandated.
Mine cognizance broken, mine waking revoken, I slipped past the comfort of slumber.
I dreamt of a mountain, its silver roads and their fountains, that by their own brethren, were plundered.
I was roused by the waters and a heinous dull holler, thence awoke lone and partly submersed;
Hark, that howl was of me, whence realized where I be, and damned it a curious curse.
O The site of the sin, becometh us kin, woe that pearl serpent still spread limp in abandon.
With the greatest remorse I gazed at the source of her agony, now mine, twinned in tandem.
Clasping my thorn, I tore it from bourn, and welcomed his residual torture.
For I bound to her, whence to ripen a cure, and banish the fruits of mine horror.
Repenting in Fever.
Whence returned was my pard, bearing balm for mine scar, the syrup of drone hovelled hive;
Thence smearing the treacle, he forbade rose be lethal, made safeguard mine health as to thrive.
Ordered to retrieve and return by the eve, my companion sought means to endure;
He was to assemble a bode, for I was to requite what was owed, until return of her weal was sure.
Reparation Unmeager.
plead for the Gods, “Bid to me revealed, the fount of mine serum blesséd.”
From the wood howled a dog, singing promise of heal, and mine following zealous requested.
Limped to monolith surrounding, unto pure fated founding, an apiary lay waiting and hallowed.
Its swarm proved benign, housed in grail, seething shrine, wine of hornet brewed, yet to be fallowed.
With yield of such effort, I promised us bettered, mended by elixir of flora;
It shone profound tincture, hues unknown in mixture, emitting such apothicous aura.
Be I shaman?
Wrapping honey in twill, meshing our presence in trill, I encroached upon the exhausted lame tail,
From a reliable seat, our flesh came to meet, mine skin given taste of her scales.
The void of her vision peered through the incision she gave upon our decrepit embrace.
Thence advancing in slivers to the root of her hinders, I pined for her relieved of our fates.
There barbed was mine trophy, ridden of honour, unholy, becomed it a blemish obtuse.
A strange revelation gave myself in elation, rasp as virgin was cherished, not use.
I dabbed at her wound, smelt the heat it exhumed, whilst beseeched were mine whispers of calm;
In prayer for true temperance, mine action bore semblance of atonement born hatchet in palm.
Mine Self Shone Anew.
With a sorrowful heave that axe came uncleaved whence last vestige of might sang displayed,
Her furious bearing upon surrenderous erring, I stood banished of bother, self or spade.
The threat met stagnation as she collapsed in prostration, not heeding my unknown intention.
Thence with nectar remaining, I lathered unwaiting, parturition from greed mine abstention.
Thus my regret sang to beckon to mine wielding of weapon; such I cast it afar as rejected.
Accursed was its grace, as too was mine fate woe for it to have ever been collected.
Thus Haven Intrepid.
Carried wherewithal yield, our ward was revealed thus undertook to carpent of dwelling,
As the sun fell surceased, parallel was the peace, for crimson from grove stare bore swelling.
Many moons we remained, each night those eyes flamed at our camp from beyond shored lagoon.
Vigil strong of my queen, they watched as we gleaned, reaping strength of which I had strewn.
Her Fondness Grown Tepid.
Every morrow I woke and with the serpent I spoke as I dressed at those clefts with our honey.
Soon she did rouse, to slither and browse about our garden on days warm, fair and sunny.
We harvested arbor, to feed her that we harbor, brewing pap of fruit mash and molass.
Thence on the fortieth dusk, rose an ominous hush, lulled the trickling riv unto glass.
I waited on guard with cursed hatchet and pard, for I knew that a peril approached,
Alas I hew into resting, left defenseless my nesting, only awoken by the rustling of poach.
Cometh shining from shadow, blood russet of harrow, gawk beamed spilling with impatience of urge;
Thence took to the skies, those mad ruby eyes, and dove much intended to scourge.
Wingéd Beast!
T’was a colossus of owl, screech the zenith of prowl, wielding talons taught eager to slaughter;
It plunged at my venus with terrible keenness, as she bathed unaware in deaf waters.
I shrieked for my goddess, to avoid need of solace, but that ambush was dauntless and held;
In the last of her moments, we locked gaze in atonement, our tumult came genuine quelled.
Abrupt overhead, there flew pouncing in tread, a behemoth of hound fierce and noble,
Pallid in mane, bulwark in aim, that wolf seized our villain immobile.
In turning she growled, beryl eyes burning scowled thence roared with a deafening vigor.
Frozen in fright, I stood drown in plight, unable to answer her rigor.
Immense Rivals!
In brawling wild battle, they scathed and they grappled, a raging struggle in skirmish throughout.
Tooth against talon, both fearless and gallant, they thrust duel on a rampaging route.
Thence the bird waged a fluke, and with a felicitous juke, it clawed at the hide of the mongrel;
Thence barraged at the serpent with war distilled purpose, thwarting escape into jungle.
My taciturn screams reared of silent esteem when in foray with the thunderous hound;
She flanked at the fowl, helmed its maw in her jowls, thence sundered its carcass to ground.
Thence cobra coiled round, and presented me crowned, as the repenter recovered her ails;
The dog heaving heavy, in a pant less than steady, harness revival in the wake of assail.
Hence accrued.
She turned to confront, in her eyes I saw the runt, that first invited mine presence to dale.
“You are the maiden! She saved me when laden, came poisoned by rose thorn impaled.”
She did not voice an answer, but instead produced antlers, attesting mine inkling as true.
“But why a runt if a changer?” Thence she spake “strength is danger.” before strode into wood out of view.
In the Moon’s silver shade laid awake in the braids of my serpents now loving embrace,
I knew it be the last of the nights that had passed whence together in glade undisplaced.
By the morn was I lone with my companion and home, left to tend those saplings that grew;
From the seeds of our time; collected, sublime. What mine old self had timbered; Anew.
So be it.
T’was nearly a year before she appeared, without warning in the fine fog of dawn,
Neither did we voice our awaited rejoice, nor did we move to be moreover withdrawn.
In our company basked, ignoring time as it passed, I gaveth her rib I’d deprived.
Thence offered from wreath she placed at my feet, that damn spade which had us collide.
T’was tied on by its blade to a masked speckled egg, where in kneeling I pondered their worth.
Whence looking again, gone t’was my friend, but not heartsick nor was I willed unto search.
“We here shall remain at your orchard in reign.” said I for pard cometh trailing from shack.
“Who is she I wonder? Should we love her as brothers?” but the spaed gone and said nothin’ back.

Calm down and carry on...this is verging on making some kind of sense in a nonsensical way. Too much of a muchness as my parrot used to say. I read it to the end then did my own version of the Turing test. I swapped lines about randomly...and guess what. It made no difference.
So that's all right,then. Welcome.
Best,
tectak
Reply
#9
Hello - well, that's quite some work! The fact that you have dispensed with meter makes it very difficult to read though. Add the word inversions, and the 'WTF?' moments like 'our awaited rejoice' (I admit, when I couldn't read it from the top, I went to the bottom and started again there, but no better. Sad) and it's all a bit too out of focus, for me.

You'd have to pay me to do a line-by-line crit though. Smile
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#10
At the moment I am not going to give a full critique, I will try to do so later. That is to say a line by line. The first thing that needs to happen is to do away with center justify, unless this is for an old lady's coffee table book. In poetry, center justify is only used in concrete or form poetry. The reason? It makes it much more difficult to read. So I think if you want anyone to give this a serious critique, that is in its entirety you will need to change it to left justify. You also need to give up capping the start of each line as this also makes it more difficult for the reader. I will include the rationale for this below. Next, it needs to be determined if this is a song or a poem. This is important because they are critiqued differently. I cannot see this as a song. I have written some fairly long songs, but nowhere near this long. Unless it was sung really fast I doubt the audience would stay for the whole thing. Sure established artists have written songs that take up the entire side "B" of an album, or however that would be phrased today. I've played "Tangled Up in Blue" in clubs many times and that has always seemed about the limit for people attention, plus it requires a hell of a lot of energy. Also if this is a song it should be posted in miscellaneous, where lyrics are posted.

In terms of language, please really consider if different language is really needed, especially if you really don't have good control over it. In most cases, whether one has control or not, switching to a few words used 500 years ago really makes no sense, because it is not genuine, it is only playing at the language. Were you to use the actual language spoken during the time of Shakespeare, most people today would have a very difficult time making sense out of most of it. So actually all one is doing when using such words as whence and thence and the like, is lifting only a very small portions of the language as it was, so at its heart it is really disingenuous and should probably be left to satire or parody.

Best,

dale


As a service to your readers, please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material (due to the cost), which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension. As it does nothing positive to the poem, but in fact weakens it, it is not a style, but an affectation.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#11
I've actually got a google doc of it that I've reformatted completely, if you really want to give a full critique I can send you that. It's much easier to read. I dont mean for the language top be Shakespearean by any means, although I do have a major homage to his writing in there. I'm more aiming for the language of the ~19th century. Like Lewis or even Poe. The capping is just what my word processor does automatically unfortunately. I haven't looked into wether google docs does it, I hope it doesn't.
I definitely mean for it to be a poem. Above all else it is a fable, albeit a hymnalish one with all the rhyming. I dont mean for it to be preformed as a song.
I'm going to be going through it and making alterations over the next couple weeks and well post it again after that. I would be in great debt to you if you did a full critique, it would help that process greatly.
Thy Daughter & Thy Darling, Without End.
Reply
#12
Yes, please do.


dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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