Adam and Eve

[Acephale]

There is a movement to the universe and it is violent.
Animals share the same movement,
and in their innocence, ignorant of death,

live.

We were once closer,
but Adam loved Eve
in a land where nothing ever perished and his passions were created from his own flesh and bone.

One day Eve heard a voice,
“There is no betrayal in taking,” it said.
And as she devoured her vision of livestock frailty,
Adam, looked outward.

His herd was different now
a baleful daylight revealed a nature he had never known;
a place where every carrion had its birth.

A searing sun beat down on his back as he plowed and sowed
and he hurled his tools to the earth and cried,
“We used to worship you, but our seeds forever condemn us!”

“Eve,” he said.
“The barren are useless now
and its bearers are even worse.
I am the barren
and you,
you
are
that which condemns man to be.”

“You covet the flesh
bleed like a beast
share their dormant docility,
but I have a voice within so grand
not even my anatomy can contain
and when it spoke it defined a new order.

We once lived in a glorious garden - the folly of an effortless vision.
But today we putrefy Eden,
for dust we are
and to dust we shall return.

There is a movement to man, Eve, and it is violent.
Women share the same movement,
and in their transgression, ignorant of its sin

serve.”






Draft 1

There is a movement to the universe and it is violent. 
Animals share the same movement,
and in their innocence, unconscious of death

live.

We were once closer,
but Adam loved Eve
in a land where nothing ever perished and his passions were created from his own flesh and bone.

One day she heard a voice
"There is no betrayal in taking," it said.
And she consumed it as it consumed her - a vision of livestock frailty. 
Adam, in return, looked outward at his herd
its births and its carrion.

“Our seeds forever condemn us,”
said Adam, feeling the searing sun on his back as he plowed and sowed.
He looked upward and yelled, “we used to worship you!”


“Eve,” he said. 
“The barren are useless now
and the bearers are even worse. 
I am the barren
and you,
you
are…”

[dukealien]

There is a movement to the universe and it is violent. 
The animals share the same movement,
and in their innocence, unconscious of death,

live.

We were once closer,
but Adam loved Eve
in a land where nothing ever perished and his passions were created from his own flesh and bone.

One day she heard a voice
"There is no betrayal in taking," it said.
And she consumed it as it consumed her - a vision of livestock frailty. 
Adam, in return, looked outward at his herd
its births and its carrion.

“Our seeds forever condemn us,”
said Adam, feeling the searing sun on his back as he plowed and sewed.
He looked upward and yelled, “we used to worship you!”


“Eve,” he said. 
“The barren are useless now
and the bearers are even worse. 
I am the barren
and you,
you
are…”

A very elegant, economical recasting of the story.  One obvious misspelling ("sewed" should be "sowed" - I can't see any way the needle-and-thread business fits here, even figuatively.)  No worries, though, happens to everyone and the spell checkers decline to help.

There might be a couple of places where economy could be increased slightly.  Use of "the" is always tempting when writing on big themes, and is sometimes appropriate - your last stanza (beginning "'Eve,' he said") uses it well.  Your second line might be able to do without it (starting with "[A]nimals") and so might the phrase "feeling (the) searing sun."

Use of white space around "live" is admirable.  The phrase "unconscious of death" seems slightly awkward - is there a shorter word than "unconscious" that expresses the thought?

Though I didn't see precisely where you were going at the end, I liked the poem and look forward to your doing even better.

[UselessBlueprint]

I must agree with pretty much everything dukealien has brought out here, especially the whitespace around live. There are very few circumstances where I think it's a good idea, and here it definitely feels like it is. I don't really like the repetition of "movement" or "consumed", as and would likely opt for "motion" in the second occurrence of movement and some other (more or less powerful, up to you) word in place of the second consumed. Aside from this little nit-picky thing, it is entirely not bad.

[Erthona]

This is a shortened retelling of the fall, but does it really add anything, does it create insight that was not there in the original. Maybe it incorporates something from the Book of Enoch, or the Book of Adam and Eve. It's been so long since I have studied either. I do like the line "He looked upward and yelled, “we used to worship you!”". It reminds me of Satan's defiant stance from hell in Milton's "Paradise Lost", only with more longing. Of course it is a complete falsity as Adam did continue to worship God, as did all the line of Seth after him down to Noah, the last holy man. Still, good for dramatic effect. PLus it does beg the question that if Adam is barren, does that make Eve barrenless, that is fruitful? It is after all when they are cast out, that they are able to have children and populate the earth and quite quickly I might add. I think maybe the writer doesn't know the answer to his own question, which is not a requirement in order to pose one

Best,

dale

[Acephale]

Thank you for the comment Dale. I do have a clear vision of what I want to say, but saying it is another matter. This is something I whipped up as a base, but I will clarify its intent within the next couple of weeks.

[Acephale]

I've edited the poem, but have yet to post the edit. I was wondering, because what I've added is now predominantly in the voice of Adam, instead of using quotation marks would it be appropriate to italicize what he says?

[Erthona]

Depending on how you do italics could be less clumsy, but it can also cause confusion if it is not made plain to the reader that it is Adams voice. If Adam is the Speaker/narrator then there may be no need for either. Either way you go it is somewhat of a stylistic opinion.

dale

[Matthew McKeown]

Hi Acephale,

I liked this piece very much- thanks for the enjoyable read.

Some have suggested that you could go smaller cleaner. I would like to suggest you go bigger more epic! Full blown wind swept novel style (lol)

Here is a small example of what I mean:

Once, we were closer,
In a magnificent garden
It was there, Adam first loved Eve,

A wonderous land,
Where Adam's passion was formed and shaped,
Formed and shaped;
From His very own Flesh and Bone

I just thought, perhaps your work would enjoy a more theatrical platform.

Thanks, Matt

[Acephale]

This is a poem I've already posted, but would like more criticism on. There is currently a poem on Eve's debate in progress.  



There is a movement to the universe and it is violent. 
Animals share the same movement,
and in their innocence, ignorant of death,

live.

We were once closer,
but Adam loved Eve
in a land where nothing ever perished and his passions were created from his own flesh and bone.

One day Eve heard a voice,
“There is no betrayal in taking,” it said.
And as she devoured her vision of livestock frailty,
Adam, looked outward.

His herd was different now
a baleful daylight revealed a nature he had never known;
a place where every carrion had its birth.

A searing sun beat down on his back as he plowed and sowed
and he hurled his tools to the earth and yelled, 
“We used to worship you, but our seeds forever condemn us!”

“Eve,” he said. 
“The barren are useless now
and its bearers are even worse. 
I am the barren
and you,
you
are
that which condemns man to be.”

“You covet the flesh
bleed like an animal
share their dormant docility,
but I have a voice within so grand
not even my anatomy can contain
and when it spoke it defined a new order.

We once lived in a glorious garden - the folly of an effortless vision.
But today we putrefy Eden, 
for dust we are 
and to dust we shall return. 

There is a movement to man, Eve, and it is violent. 
Women share the same movement,
and by their transgression, ignorant of its impurity

serve.” 

Threads merged and moved to Mild from Novice for continuity/ Admin