Ten Years After the Big Game

[Nester]

Ten Years After the Big Game


Last night, I wore a miniskirt
to the reunion
instead of my helmet.

The teams were the same:
girls with Venus legs flytrap shut;
boys chasing tail
so no one thinks they like ass.
But I had switched sides.

Coach saw my nicked-up knees
and lead the offensive.
But you can’t unring the bell,
or unscrew the girl,
so I beat him to the punch
and gulped a big glass of fuck you:
my square jaw set;
my Adam’s apple bobbing
like a minor toady.
It was a bravura performance:
not a side-eye in the house.

Ten years after the big game, they all know
I can’t pass like I used to.
But I can strut.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Very well written. I have no nits to pick. The pace of the poem is brisk, the language fresh and clean. The story rolls off the N.'s tongue with an enviable crispness. Moreover, the obvious self-assurance and self esteem of the N. are endearing.

There are several wonderful turns of phrase - 'girls with Venus legs flytrap shut', 'you can’t unring the bell', and 'gulped a big glass of fuck you'.

I love the economy with which the whole scene is set with so few words in the first stanza.

There seems to be a little subtle irony in the title as well, without being overdone.

Love the poem

T

[Achebe]

to me it seems like you suddenly switch from rugby to boxing metaphors in S2 (ringing the bell / beating to the punch). Though the punch pun is delicious. It's an abrupt, seemingly random transition that confuses the reader.
I am also not sure about 'unscrew the girl' - not clear how this relates to you. Surely the whole point is that none of them has screwed you, the come out trans? The pun in 'screw' doesn't work either.
Great poem.

[sithcat]

This is a very tough subject, thank you for sharing your poem. I understand it to be about coming out as transgendered to an old sports team.

My favorite line was "girls with Venus legs flytrap shut". You could potentially make this line even stronger by removing 'legs' from it. That way the metaphor would be more direct. I also liked the phrase "not a side-eye in the house" as a play on 'not a dry eye in the house'. Very clever. 

I, too, am a little confused by the lines: "But you can’t unring the bell, or unscrew the girl." Does this mean, the 'I' in the poem felt screwed (like, oh man, I'm screwed!) or was the speaker literally mentioning a time someone had had sex with her (the coach?)? Or was there a girl in the speakers past, perhaps before she identified openly as a woman, with which she had sex? If the first meaning, perhaps consider rewording. If the later two, how is it relevant to the current moment and could that be expanded upon? 

Best,
sithcat

[Jasper]

I love this poem! The metaphors and wordplay are amazing. 

I'm not sure I understand this line.
"my Adam’s apple bobbing
like a minor toady."
That could just be me, though. 

I also felt like these two lines were confusing and I don't see how they contribute to the story
"But you can’t unring the bell,
or unscrew the girl,"

Overall though I really enjoyed this poem, great job!

[Emz]

Hi there, Nester.

I really enjoyed this poem.

I would have to be in agreement with Jasper in regards to "like a minor toady"; I'm not entirely sure what that's supposed to mean.

I didn't feel as though there was anything wrong with "unring the bell/unscrew the girl", not for me at least. I can see that the bell is referring to a boxing ring which becomes a metaphor for the act of sex (much like ACDC's "You shook me all night long").

Hope this is helpful.

Emma

[cr4zyc0lt]

I like the tone of this poem so much. It's very confident and touches on a subject that I don't think many people have much experience with in everyday life. "not a side eye in the house" was a very interesting line. A great way to describe the direct attention from onlookers, but in the context a beautiful fuck you to all who were witnessing what was unfolding. The use of language was great as well. Not course, souring the subtle awesomeness of this confident come out, it was just right.

[Nester]

I like the tone of this poem so much. It's very confident and touches on a subject that I don't think many people have much experience with in everyday life. "not a side eye in the house" was a very interesting line. A great way to describe the direct attention from onlookers, but in the context a beautiful fuck you to all who were witnessing what was unfolding. The use of language was great as well. Not course, souring the subtle awesomeness of this confident come out, it was just right.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read and comment on my poem. It's gratifying to see that people like it, and that I was able to handle a tough subject with some care.

I actually meant "unring the bell" as just a bell, like the old saying "once struck, the bell cannot be unrung"; that is, you can't go back once you come out like this. I never even thought it would be confusing, because of the other sports metaphors (I didn't even think of boxing until some of you pointed it out). I'm going to rework that line, or perhaps remove it entirely.

By "Adams apple bobbing/like a minor toady", I meant that the speaker's Adam's apple was going up and down as she drank from the punch bowl, like a sycophant's head nodding in agreement with his boss. Maybe "like a toady's head" would be clearer? Or is the term "toady" (referring to a sycophant) too obscure?

Thanks again for your time and responses!

[Keith]

Ten Years After the Big Game


Last night, I wore a miniskirt Not sure you need "last night"
to the reunion
instead of my helmet.

The teams were the same:
girls with Venus legs flytrap shut; like this image alot, reunions are funny things, we all seem to regress to our former selves.
boys chasing tail
so no one thinks they like ass. this works well and adds weight to the theme
But I had switched sides.

Coach saw my nicked-up knees
and lead the offensive.
But you can’t unring the bell, I would keep the extended metaphor "restart the first quarter" something like that
or unscrew the girl,
so I beat him to the punch again maybe "tackle"
and gulped a big glass of fuck you:
my square jaw set;
my Adam’s apple bobbing like this whole section..... some things define us, well visually of course
like a minor toady. not sure of toady, although it fits perfectly it just sounds ugly, it could just be me but I wanted something smoother " I re-wrote his play book" thats crap but you can see what I mean
It was a bravura performance:
not a side-eye in the house.

Ten years after the big game, they all know
I can’t pass like I used to.
But I can strut. Nice ending and image. conveys a sense of pride, which I like

Really enjoyed this Nester, it has strong sense of pride and passion about facing difficult situations I also like the extended metaphor not sure about the switch from football to boxing but it still works if you choose to keep it. I made some comment and suggestions to be taken or not. Thanks for the read. Keith

[whatisay-whatifeel]

Ten Years After the Big Game


Last night, I wore a miniskirt
to the reunion
instead of my helmet.

The teams were the same:
girls with Venus legs flytrap shut;-Very powerful imagery here. 
boys chasing tail
so no one thinks they like ass.
But I had switched sides.

Coach saw my nicked-up knees
and lead the offensive.
But you can’t unring the bell,
or unscrew the girl,-I understand that people were confused by these two lines, but I really liked them! I read it as him acknowledging her past as a male, and how who she was ten years ago doesn't define her today. Great job here!
so I beat him to the punch
and gulped a big glass of fuck you: -Great line! Very powerful!
my square jaw set;
my Adam’s apple bobbing
like a minor toady.
It was a bravura performance:
not a side-eye in the house.

Ten years after the big game, they all know
I can’t pass like I used to.
But I can strut.-Great closing sentence. 

G This is always a hard topic to talk about, but you did it with class, humor, and what seems to be ease! I love this poem and have to congratulate you for writing it. The only thing I would think about are the two lines, "my Adam's apple bobbing like a minor toady." Reading the comments below, and based off of my own experience reading this poem, these two lines seem to beconfusing. Maybe try to play with your word choice here and clear up the meaning. (Then again I just might not be getting it.)
Great job!

[Aidoneus]

The thing I found most enjoyable about this piece was your confident voice. Many writers find it difficult to come up with their own unique tone out of fear of rejection. You said what you had to say with a sort of coarse humor, but it was ironically eloquent in a way. I really got a smile out of the last stanza. Right now I can't see any glaring problems, as the imagery was very strong throughout and the entire thing flowed throughout; something I have a problem with.