In memory of your adoration.

[TonyMahoney]

Shimmering swirls move swiftly as
light plays across the creek,

Water bends round crooked limbs,
of some old fallen tree.
 
The sweet hush of the waterfall
sings lullabies to me.

I hear the whisper of your voice,
the wind that moves the leaves.

[Achebe]

Shimmering swirls move swiftly as ...alliteration doesn't do anything for this line - sounds pretty forced
light plays across the creek,

Water bends round crooked limbs, ...surely 'the' is needed here, given the 'old fallen tree' in the next line? I might be wrong - just sounds odd to me the way it is.
of some old fallen tree.
 
The sweet hush of the waterfall  ....'hush' is a strange word for the sound of a waterfall
sings lullabies to me. ..not a great line

I hear the whisper of your voice,
the wind that moves the leaves.

Hi Tony - the standout line for me was 'water bends etc.' : it was a fresh, original image. 
given that it's a short poem, you'd like to make each line punchy. 
Also, you've got light, water, water / sound and air / sound. It might be a better idea to have light (fire), water, earth, and air. A neat second layer for free.
good luck.

[QDeathstar]

Shimmering swirls move swiftly as
light plays across the creek,

Water bends round crooked limbs,
of some old fallen tree.
 
The sweet hush of the waterfall
sings lullabies to me.

I hear the whisper of your voice,
the wind that moves the leaves.

The title is the most interesting thing in this poem. It makes me want to love the poem. But, the rest sounds a like leftovers of a teenage poetry meet. Not a lot said, some pretty common pretty words, and the usual small talk about the weather.

Keep the title, ditch the poem.

[TonyMahoney]

Yeah, it is definitely forced. You have confirmed what I thought about it all along. I don't write very good poetry but I will continue to try until I do. I had never attempted to write rhyming poetry until I found this site and I find it to be difficult. I want to learn and grow. I want to write well. If something is horseshit then I need to hear it. I appreciate your honesty.



The title is the most interesting thing in this poem. It makes me want to love the poem. But, the rest sounds a like leftovers of a teenage poetry meet. Not a lot said, some pretty common pretty words, and the usual small talk about the weather.

Keep the title, ditch the poem.
[/quote]

[Mattp]

Tony - as has been said there isn't much going on here. BUT, I really did like your last stanza. It's cliché as all hell but I think you pull it off anyways. A few bits and pieces:

"of some old fallen tree."

"some" connotes disinterest; not what you're going for here. Just use "an".

"light plays across the creek" - cliché. Next time around try to use more unique and interesting language.

There's certainly promise here. I look forward to reading more of yours.

- Matt

[unregistered]

Shimmering swirls move swiftly as  Move "as" into the second line. Think it flows better this way.
light plays across the creek,

Water bends round crooked limbs,
of some old fallen tree.
 
The sweet hush of the waterfall
sings lullabies to me.

I hear the whisper of your voice,
the wind that moves the leaves.

Something I didn't notice the first time while reading this was the repetition of the E sound. Added rhythm to the poem. At least to me. Maybe work on bringing out this rhythm even more.
Feeding off what others said I guess you could add a little ambiguity to the poem to help lose the cliche stigma. Or delve deeper into the subject matter and give it a reason to be cliche.

[aschueler]

Yeah, it is definitely forced. You have confirmed what I thought about it all along. I don't write very good poetry but I will continue to try until I do. I had never attempted to write rhyming poetry until I found this site and I find it to be difficult. I want to learn and grow. I want to write well. If something is horseshit then I need to hear it. I appreciate your honesty.

I didn't think this was horse shit.  The images you are working on are worthy, I started to warm up to the shimmering swirls that move. It gets jumbled, but there is promise here.  Your waterfall lets me down (painful pun).