Heart

[The Raven]

Note: This is my first poem, I wanted to put this on serious workshopping, but I don't feel it's advanced enough,I hope you enjoy!  ~The Raven


Heart


I fear Darkness,
I fear Thunder,
I fear Loneliness.

My heart is a raven
Feathers dark as the night itself,
Eyes empty, 
void of light

Nestled in its tree,
Alone,
waiting.

The Sun is shining
but not within my view,
not within my heart.

I have seen the Sun before,
I have witnessed its
Incandescent beauty,
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak,

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

My heart is a dove,
Wings white as snow,
Eyes filled with light,

I feel Passion,
I feel Hope,
I feel Love.

[shemthepenman]

hello,

there is so much wrong with this poem that it is difficult to know where to begin. firstly, if we assume that clichés are best avoided, then removing all the clichés from this poem (including conceptual ones) leaves us with very little.

let us do the unthinkable, and paraphrase the meaning. the author was once happy, but is no longer happy. and unfortunately, that rather dry prosaic summery is about as interesting as the poem itself.

next, you have used two of the most overused metaphors in the history of metaphors, namely, birds and the sun; and, not only that, but you have managed to use them in such a way that they seem even more cliché than they ought to.

the punctuation is all over the place.

you've used bold italics and italics for god knows why. unless it is simply to distract the reader from the absolute flatness of the piece - which, to be fair, it does, in an annoying sort of way.

there is, however, one redeeming feature to this otherwise awful mess, 'nestled in its tree, alone, waiting'. these lines do more to produce a genuine and authentic 'sense' (meaning the combination of image, emotion and physical sensation) than all the other lines combined.

[Matthew McKeown]

Note: This is my first poem, I wanted to put this on serious workshopping, but I don't feel it's advanced enough,I hope you enjoy!  ~The Raven


Heart


I fear Darkness,
I fear Thunder,
I fear Loneliness.

My heart is a raven
Feathers dark as the night itself,
Eyes empty, 
void of light

Nestled in its tree,
Alone,
waiting.

The Sun is shining
but not within my view,
not within my heart.

I have seen the Sun before,
I have witnessed its
Incandescent beauty,
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak,

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

My heart is a dove,
Wings white as snow,
Eyes filled with light,

I feel Passion,
I feel Hope,
I feel Love.

the post was allowed because you attempted to give informative feedback, that said, pointing out a word choice and doing a rewrite of a large part of the poem are two different thing, no rewrites by critics please. /mod


Hello,
 
I just wanted to say thanks for putting the poem out there.
 
I myself think it is perfectly fine to write a poem like this, nothing wrong with clichés. After all any theater director worth their salt would love to be commissioned to do one of Shakespeare’s plays. A very wise man once said there is nothing new under the sun, that being said who writes anything that has not been written about before.
 
Well that’s my soapbox;  However I would like to help you with some ideas with the poem.
 
My style is to show you how I might have written it myself.
 
Please do not think I am suggesting that you have to re-write that way, it is just an example.
 
Heart
 
I fear Darkness, - No changes
I fear Thunder, - No changes
I fear Loneliness. - No changes
 
-      Usually a Raven is a harbinger of those things you mentioned in lines 1-3 not the things themselves- so line 4 might be written,
 
My heart is a raven -   As though a Raven has pierced my heart
Feathers dark as the night itself, -  No changes
Eyes empty, - and Vantablack eyes 
void of light- No changes
 
Nestled seems to cozy here maybe this.
 
Nestled in its tree,  -  Skulking in its tree
Alone, - No changes
waiting.  -  Wanting for carrion like some demon
 
First what effects are occurring because of the Raven?
 
The Sun is shining – Vexing my soul
but not within my view,  - blocking the light
not within my heart.  – covering my heart with despair
 
I have seen the Sun before, -   All is not lost, I remember the Sun
I have witnessed its –   Having witnessed its Incandescent beauty,
Incandescent beauty,  The hope and joy it brings, 
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

and so on...
 
Well I think you see what I am talking about, please consider a re-write, I think it is worth the effort
 
Thanks, Matt

[milo]

Note: This is my first poem, I wanted to put this on serious workshopping, but I don't feel it's advanced enough,I hope you enjoy!  ~The Raven


Heart


I fear Darkness,
I fear Thunder,
I fear Loneliness.

My heart is a raven
Feathers dark as the night itself,
Eyes empty, 
void of light

Nestled in its tree,
Alone,
waiting.

The Sun is shining
but not within my view,
not within my heart.

I have seen the Sun before,
I have witnessed its
Incandescent beauty,
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak,

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

My heart is a dove,
Wings white as snow,
Eyes filled with light,

I feel Passion,
I feel Hope,
I feel Love.

So, in addition to what Shem pointed out, it might be a good idea to look into abstractions, and how they don't make for good poetry.  Think about your first 3 lines - darkness, thunder, loneliness - your narrator fears these things, so you tell us.  Think about how much more powerful it would be too use concrete imagery and present situations to the reader that allow the reader to come to these conclusions on their own.

Passion, hope, love - these are all abstract concepts that weigh your writing down without any development.  I would recommend you present concrete images and allow your readers to come to these conclusions themselves.

In addition, I would really reconsider all of your 1-word lines.  There has been a lot written about the purpose of the line that is beyond the scope of this critique but, suffice it to say, one word lines represent a very rare opportunity that should be used sparingly. Using them with superfluous synonyms for "good" as in - wonderful, breathtaking, great, etc. fills the poem with exceptionally weak lines as well as coming off as hackneyed in general.

Good luck, thanks for posting.

[billy]

why do you fear them? [dark/thunder/loneliness]? cliches in general don't work well in poetry, despite what some may tell you; the "in general" applies to this poem.

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

sounds like a skiing holiday or bungy jump. make it mean something or leave it out. each word should add something to the poem.

watch out for an excess of words that weigh the poem down

Note: This is my first poem, I wanted to put this on serious workshopping, but I don't feel it's advanced enough,I hope you enjoy!  ~The Raven


Heart


I fear Darkness,
I fear Thunder,
I fear Loneliness.

My heart is a raven this line works, it places a strong image in the readers mind. this effect is what you need to aim for
Feathers dark as the night itself,
Eyes empty, 
void of light

Nestled in its tree,
Alone,
waiting.

The Sun is shining
but not within my view,
not within my heart.

I have seen the Sun before,
I have witnessed its
Incandescent beauty,
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak,

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

My heart is a dove,
Wings white as snow,
Eyes filled with light,

I feel Passion,
I feel Hope,
I feel Love.

[Erthona]

I find relying on visual tricks is best left alone unless of course it is a concrete or form poem and even then one would generally avoid using bold or italics in the place of being able to get the concept across with words. Using such tricks seems cheap, on the whole adds nothing, and poetry has gotten by without them for most of its existence. Besides one cannot hear a bolded word.

For someone new to writing poetry a whole hosts of cliches is fairly common, however it should be understood that poetry is about originality; seeing things in a different way or from a different perspective. When one uses a cliche one is relying on an overused perspective or an overused saying. Why write poetry if one is going to simply repeat what someone else has already said and then has been repeated a thousand times more? There is nothing original or fresh about that. There are certain instances where cliches can be used, such as in satire or parodies, but that is not the case here.
________________________________________________________________________________
Within the poem you refer to the "Heart" as a "Raven" "I" and as a "Dove". The "Heart" is referred to as both subject and object; subjectively and objectively.  This is especially confusing in such passages as:

"When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak"  

If the "Raven" meant to be the heart, and here it is seen both as an object and subjectively, then who is the "I"?

So in a majority of cases it is unclear who the speaker is. For the poem to have any chance of making sense, the speaker must be clear and even in Stream of Consciousness there is usually some indicator, there is no such indicator here, plus this is not Stream of Consciousness.

The writer appears to be trying to make a switch from a fearful heart, the raven, to a joyful heart, the dove, but this is only acknowledged after the fact leading to confusion.

Overall this doesn't matter as the entire poem is abstract and gives the reader nothing to latch on to or to care about. Beyond that it is verbally burdensome. It can be summed up as:

I lived in the darkness and was fearful,
now I live in the daylight
and that daylight gives me hope
and that hope fills me with joy.

All the rest is for the most part filler, cliches (of course the synopsis is a cliche), and poor attempts at metaphor. Still, it is probably much better than my first poem. We all have to start somewhere.

Oh yeah, on Capping the start of each line:

As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out circa 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension.

Best,

dale

[REW]

Note: This is my first poem, I wanted to put this on serious workshopping, but I don't feel it's advanced enough,I hope you enjoy!  ~The Raven


Heart


I fear Darkness,
I fear Thunder,
I fear Loneliness.

My heart is a raven
Feathers dark as the night itself,
Eyes empty, 
void of light

Nestled in its tree,
Alone,
waiting.

The Sun is shining
but not within my view,
not within my heart.

I have seen the Sun before,
I have witnessed its
Incandescent beauty,
The hope it brings, 
The joy.

When I see it
the raven halts
then its wings flutter
I grow faint,
weak,

It is simply
marvelous,
wonderful,
breathtaking.

My heart is a dove,
Wings white as snow,
Eyes filled with light,

I feel Passion,
I feel Hope,
I feel Love.

Hi,

From what you said I gather you are new to poetry.  It isn't enough to be able to use a simile or other figurative language.  You have to write in innovative ways.  For example, "white as snow" at this point and time is so highly over used that it is cliche.  Also, in your poem you state abstract ideas many times: "You feel passion."  That is abstract because passion is an idea.

In this poem you are making a raven analogous to your state of mind.  I suggest that you write about the raven.  Describe this raven as well as you can in fresh and interesting ways.  Let the raven become your heart and state of being.  

And a dove is just a white pigeon.  It is so over used for love.  If you want to stick with birds...perhaps there is a better choice?

Anyway I suggest sticking with the birds.  Learn to describe your chosen birds before trying to get them to demonstrate your abstract, let concrete show the abstract.

It isn't bad for a first poem; don't despair.