Posts: 71
Threads: 15
Joined: Oct 2010
I never looked back 'till now, to reflect on my "wild" days...,
I tested the 7 deadly sins, in so many different ways.
Sexually deviant behavior's, I was lustfull, I was vain,
selfish, self centered, thoughtless, insane.
Devoid of all feeling, daring for death to come soon,
a soulless, godless, hedonist, burning my heroin in a silver spoon.
Drug "seduced", alcohol induced, with a craving for all that I lack,
Running in zig zags, under a blood red moon, trying desperately not to fall through the crack.
Trying to fill the hole inside, that at all times seems to burn,
too high right now, I simply can't focus and always for more I will yearn.
I just can't seem to consume quite enough, to put this fire out,
Can't reach the height I'd need to be to take away this doubt.
Don't say that thing, take it back! For tomorrow, you know, you will die.
You said it, Damn! Now there it is, why couldn't you just let me say goodbye?
Everyone else's kiss you received, you accepted it with grace,
"Don't want your germs," is all that I got, as you turned away your face!
What the fuck? I was only 12! "Daddy, how do I handle this?
"I might not have taken the hellish path of my "wild" days, if you'd just let me have that last kiss.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(10-29-2010, 07:20 AM)ficosdarkness Wrote: I never looked back 'till now, to relfect on my "wild" days...,
I tested the 7 deadly sins, in so many different ways.
Sexually deviant behaviors, I was lustfilled, I was vain,
selfish, self centered, thoughtless, insane.
Devoid of all feeling, daring for death to come soon,
a souless, godless, hedonist, burning my heroin in a silver spoon.
Drug "seduced", alchohol induced, with a craving for all that I lack,
Running in zigzags, under a blood red moon, trying desparately not to fall through the crack.
Trying to fill the hole inside, that at all times seems to burn,
too high right now, I simply can't focus and always for more I will yearn.
I just can't seem to consume quite enough, to put this fire out,
Can't reach the height I'd need to be to take away this doubt.
Don't say that thing, take it back! For tomorrow, you know, you will die.
You said it, Damn! Now there it is, why couldn't you just let me say goodbye?
Everyone else's kiss you received, you accepted it with grace,
"Don't want your germs," is all that I got, as you turned away your face!
What the fuck? I was only 12! "Daddy, how do I handle this?
"I might not have taken the hellish path of my "wild" days, if you'd just let me have that last kiss.
some spelling mistakes in bold
an odd cliché; 1, dancing naked under the moon,
2, Devoid of all morals
but they don't matter that much. this poem
flows well, and has some good images.
what i really like about this poem is that as an adult the persona in the poem still blames the father.
great twist from grown up to child, it was an unexpected delight. prose at times but some prose poetry can match non prose poetry, this piece for me does just that.
like i say, sort some of the spelling out, that's all really for me. otherwise it's a great poem. (your best so far)
Posts: 71
Threads: 15
Joined: Oct 2010
(10-29-2010, 08:31 AM)billy Wrote: (10-29-2010, 07:20 AM)ficosdarkness Wrote: I never looked back 'till now, to reflect on my "wild" days...,
I tested the 7 deadly sins, in so many different ways.
Sexually deviant behaviors, I was lustfull, I was vain,
selfish, self centered, thoughtless, insane.
Devoid of all feeling, daring for death to come soon,
a soulless, godless, hedonist, burning my heroin in a silver spoon.
Drug "seduced", alcohol induced, with a craving for all that I lack,
Running in zigzags, under a blood red moon, trying desperately not to fall through the crack.
Trying to fill the hole inside, that at all times seems to burn,
too high right now, I simply can't focus and always for more I will yearn.
I just can't seem to consume quite enough, to put this fire out,
Can't reach the height I'd need to be to take away this doubt.
Don't say that thing, take it back! For tomorrow, you know, you will die.
You said it, Damn! Now there it is, why couldn't you just let me say goodbye?
Everyone else's kiss you received, you accepted it with grace,
"Don't want your germs," is all that I got, as you turned away your face!
What the fuck? I was only 12! "Daddy, how do I handle this?
"I might not have taken the hellish path of my "wild" days, if you'd just let me have that last kiss.
some spelling mistakes in bold
an odd cliché; 1, dancing naked under the moon,
2, Devoid of all morals
but they don't matter that much. this poem
flows well, and has some good images.
what i really like about this poem is that as an adult the persona in the poem still blames the father.
great twist from grown up to child, it was an unexpected delight. prose at times but some prose poetry can match non prose poetry, this piece for me does just that.
like i say, sort some of the spelling out, that's all really for me. otherwise it's a great poem. (your best so far)
Thanks Billy! Spelling error's are corrected and I did a little bit of a re-write from the post on DUP. No more "devoid of all moral's", I am now "devoid of all feeling." And all though I totally dig "dancing naked under the full moon." I now am "daring for death to come soon." Better, I think? Oh and I didn't want to lose the moon completely so I added a "blood red moon" in when I re-wrote line 8. Tell me how you feel about the flow now? This one has been my fav so far!!
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
it feels better fd.
it flows well though the end of;
too high right now, I simply can't focus and always for more I will yearn.
feels forced.
Posts: 71
Threads: 15
Joined: Oct 2010
(10-29-2010, 06:26 PM)billy Wrote: it feels better fd.
it flows well though the end of;
too high right now, I simply can't focus and always for more I will yearn.
feels forced.
 it was,Billy. You've come to know me well.
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