Flicker

[Mattp]

This is just a snippet of a poem. Given the content I think it works.


Flicker

A match is lit and all he sees is fire.
In that moment before exhale and words
he senses apocalypse a frayed leash.
Wide-eyed, he trembles.
No movement - the world moves around him.
He blinks;
a gentle wind and beyond that, silence.

[Achebe]

This is just a snippet of a poem. Given the content I think it works.


Flicker

A match is lit and all he sees is fire.
In that moment before exhale and words ....exhalation? exhaling?
he sense apocalypse a frayed leash. ..senses? is there a missing comma after 'apocalypse'?
Wide-eyed, he trembles.
No movement - the world moves around him.
He blinks;
a gentle wind and beyond that, silence.

Suggestion: cut out the abstractions (eg. instead of 'wide eyed, he trembles' try 'his hand shakes') and cliches 'gentle wind'.
also, why does he tremble? some reason must be hinted at to make the poem interesting, else it's just being vague for the sake of being vague.

[Adoran]

This is just a snippet of a poem. Given the content I think it works.


Flicker

A match is lit and all he sees is fire.
In that moment before exhale and words
he sense apocalypse a frayed leash.
Wide-eyed, he trembles.
No movement - the world moves around him.
He blinks;
a gentle wind and beyond that, silence.

I like the idea that this poem seems to develop; that this man has a vision, or desire, through fire there is destruction. I have the sense that this man is calm, and he is realizing his power. Very fun to imagine such a feeling. However, there is a little vagueness looming, particularly in the second line the last word "words". I feel like there is so left much hanging in that line, and the word "words" I want to know what words, or what thought that races in this characters mind. What is this moment to him? Perhaps you could remove the last word and put a quote. " blah blah" even if it is one word, a powerful word would give this poem what it needs.

[Erthona]

First sentence: Impossible, unless this is a very large match. Maybe one of those Russian matches.
Second sentence: Needs a grammar intervention. As there is not enough there to guess, I cannot make suggestions.
Third sentence: Cliche - remove
Fourth sentence: No sense, no movement in poem.
Fifth sentence: Seems unrelated to the rest of the poem. Of course the poem entire lacks much in the way of any cohesion, especially past the first three lines.

Do not cap the start of a line unless it is the start of a sentence. Makes for difficult reading. That particular choice (probably related to typesetting), went out circa 1950's.

Best,

dale

[Mattp]

Folks sorry for the typo on "sense"

Valuable suggestions all (thank you for sniffing out my clichés.)

Thanks,

- Matt

[Nester]

This is just a snippet of a poem. Given the content I think it works.


Flicker

A match is lit and all he sees is fire.
In that moment before exhale and words
he senses apocalypse a frayed leash.
Wide-eyed, he trembles.
No movement - the world moves around him.
He blinks;
a gentle wind and beyond that, silence.

I think the first line works, even if it can't be literally true. It has a good rhythm, and sets the right tone. To my ear, the third line sounds awkward: you might try something like:

In that moment before exhale and words,
sensing apocalypse: a frayed leash.

In the 5th line, I would delete the "No movement", since it is implied in the rest of the line.

I do agree that the poem is vague, but since it's a fragment, you might be able to make up for that in other parts of the work.

Hope this helps,

Nester

[ross hamilton hill]

A match is lit and all he sees is fire.
Fire is too broad, 'its flame' would be closer, but better would be the inner part of the flame to suggest his focused vision.

In that moment before exhale and words
I like this, I like the dissonance of using exhale. 

he sense apocalypse a frayed leash.
I also would edit out 'apocalypse'. it is both hyperbole and an abstaction, I like a 'frayed lease', it's an apt image. 

No movement - the world moves around him.
This is apradoxical and too condensed, you are asking the reader to fill in too many blanks.  

a gentle wind 
Not only is 'gentle wind' cliche but wind can always suggest farts so it is wise to make it very clear what you are talking about. 

beyond that silence
This is confused, the wind makes a noise, so silence seems contradictory, if the wind dropped there would be silence but 'beyonf describes distance not time unless you mean beyonf time  whicha gain is asking the reader to write the poem. 

It's a slight poem, but slight poems can still be well written I would say you have a way to go here, although it's not bad. 

[Mattp]

Nester, Ross -

Thanks a bunch. I'll be returning to this thread regularly as I rewrite. I think sitting' on this for a couple weeks is in order. Love to hear what you think of the edit when it comes. Cheers -

- Matt

[REW]

This is just a snippet of a poem. Given the content I think it works.


Flicker

A match is lit and all he sees is fire.
In that moment before exhale and words
he senses apocalypse a frayed leash.
Wide-eyed, he trembles.
No movement - the world moves around him.
He blinks;
a gentle wind and beyond that, silence.

Well I think the last line brings a nice ring to it.  I actually quite like this; however, I have become sick of the word apocalypse.  It suddenly is so over-used it seems to me (I am guilty of using this word as well).  I wonder if there is another word that might do well?  If apocalypse is here to stay, I think it could use a comma after it to set off a frayed leash.

[Mattp]

Casey - bah, I think you're right about apocalypse. I'll need to find something more interesting. Thanks for the thought.

- Matt