The Clearing - Edit2

[dukealien]

The Clearing

Edit 2

Just north of my house lay a little wood,
Ten acres packed with thorny scrub-oaks, wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Lose track and time there; forest-charmed I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat appeared,
Steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it twisted, struck, and reared,
Uprooting every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
My view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
Near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpired that the new development was named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.” 

Edit 1

Just north of my house lay a little wood,
Ten acres packed with scrub-oaks, thorny, wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Lose track and time there; forest-glad I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat arrived,
Steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it lustily contrived
To uproot every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
My view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
Near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpired that the new development was named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”

Original version;

To north of my house lay a little wood,
Perhaps ten acres thorny-vined and wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Oft lose myself in it, by paths beguiled.
Last week a yellow Caterpillar came
(A diesel “Cat” full-treaded, blade-equipped),
And with élan tornados put to shame,
Uprooting every tree with claws steel-tipped.
Now ‘cross a bough-heaped, roughly-graded field
I see, not far, discovered neighbors new.
Soon other houses planned will rise, revealed,
That nesting-place for bird or squirr’l hold few.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpires that the new development is named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”

[tectak]

The Clearing

To north of my house lay a little wood,
Perhaps ten acres thorny-vined and wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Oft lose myself in it, by paths beguiled.
Last week a yellow Caterpillar came
(A diesel “Cat” full-treaded, blade-equipped),
And with élan tornados put to shame,
Uprooting every tree with claws steel-tipped.
Now ‘cross a bough-heaped, roughly-graded field
I see, not far, discovered neighbors new.
Soon other houses planned will rise, revealed,
That nesting-place for bird or squirr’l hold few.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpires that the new development is named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”

Hi duke,
idiosyncrasies. That's the problem. First of all, let's get in to the 21st. century. Capitalising of every line is not just retro, it is confusing, pseudo-poetic and to an unacceptable degree, pretentious. It was never a good idea and that is why it largely disappeared several decades back...along with "oft" and strangely vernacular ellisions masquerading as meter markers. "squirr'l" Huh? "'cross" Huh?
On meter, you have made a good effort...but I would encourage you to read this out loud. If you stick in your rendition you will know where meter or accent stumbles.If you do not "feel" the lumps and holes get someone else to read it to you. Thing is, you will have conditioned yourself to read it your way and your ear may hear but your brain will block.
Finally, you rely way too much on inversions. It is not poetic, it is a cop-out. "..by paths, beguiled","neighbours new" are examples which stand out, but you get close with "...rise revealed". It is irritatingly unnecessary.
I have little to say on the content except that as a cameo of a cliche (sorry, but Mr.Peabody's coal train has hauled it away..) there is nothing new...and if you begin with a conceptual cliche you really must try to disguise with dexterity. It has got to be clever, or witty, or so well-written that the skill becomes a cloak. It doesn't do it for me but I write like this often...then find a little later that there is something in the piece worth developing. I would encourage you to do the same.
Best,
tectak

[CholSerp]

The Clearing

To north of my house lay a little wood,
Perhaps ten acres thorny-vined and wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Oft lose myself in it, by paths beguiled.
Last week a yellow Caterpillar came
(A diesel “Cat” full-treaded, blade-equipped),
And with élan tornados put to shame,
Uprooting every tree with claws steel-tipped.
Now ‘cross a bough-heaped, roughly-graded field
I see, not far, discovered neighbors new.
Soon other houses planned will rise, revealed,
That nesting-place for bird or squirr’l hold few.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpires that the new development is named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”

Dear Duke Alien,

I really like this poem. I like the subject matter, the form you chose to write it in, and what you have been able to do with this form. The poem has great music in it. It's fun to read. 

One of my favorite verses is "Cut by a deep ravine." I like it because it rounds out the whole image in a powerful, vivid way. The "little wood" is made more interesting by the cut of the deep ravine. A ravine, because it cuts into the earth, creating a dark crevice, also symbolizes mystery; a mystery that is demolished by the Caterpillar. 

You may--and this is an emphatic "may"--reconsider the word choice "élan" to describe a powerful and destructive tornado. On the one hand, "élan" is a beautiful word that complements the already great music going on in your poem. It also serves the purpose of providing a two-syllable word where you need it to fulfill the requirements of the sonnet form. On the other hand, "élan" seems like too soft, too benign a word to describe a tornado which wreaks destruction. According to thefreedictionary.com, "élan" means 1. Enthusiastic vigor and liveliness. 2. Distinctive style or flair. 

Is "liveliness" an adjective you want to associate to a destructive, powerful tornado? Even "angry" (And with angry tornadoes...) seems like a better word choice because it matches better the tone you seem to be going for in these lines. I think you need to use a word that characterizes, properly, the destructiveness, the rage of a tornado instead of characterizing it as "lively" or "enthusiastic."  

[Achebe]

The Clearing

To north of my house lay a little wood,
Perhaps ten acres thorny-vined and wild, ... The 'perhaps' is meter filler because the uncertainty is of no subsequent significance. 'Ten acres' is good enough. 'Thorny-vined' is faux poetic. Thorny should be good enough. The 'and wild' is stock poetic line ending, only there for the rhyme.
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could ... To my ear at least, 4 syllables at the end is too long for the jamb to be effective. A longer first sentence would help.
Oft lose myself in it, by paths beguiled. ... 'By paths beguiled' is a tired expression, existing only for the rhyme. I think enjambemt would work better in this one than in the one above. 
Last week a yellow Caterpillar came
(A diesel “Cat” full-treaded, blade-equipped),
And with élan tornados put to shame, ....you can do much better than this! One inversion too many. 'Put to shame' is hackneyed
Uprooting every tree with claws steel-tipped. .... Another inversion 
Now ‘cross a bough-heaped, roughly-graded field .... Crossing out syllables is an archaic practice and looks like a cop out
I see, not far, discovered neighbors new. .... Another inversion 
Soon other houses planned will rise, revealed,
That nesting-place for bird or squirr’l hold few.  ....another
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams ....another
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpires that the new development is named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”

Duke - this one doesn't work that well. there are too many cliches and inversions for the sake of rhyme or meter, and a lot of meter filler at the moment. Perhaps you should be less strict about the rhyming scheme and mix it up. 
Excuse the multiple font colours above. Mobile screen.

[Erthona]

Hi Paul,

"To north" sounds completely unnatural, "To the north of my house lay a small wood" It's as close to IP as wwhat you already have and it reads naturally.


To north of my house lay a little wood,
Perhaps ten acres thorny-vined and wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could (The problem with enjambment makes it sound like an inversion ech!)
Oft lose myself in it, by paths beguiled. (This line should never have been written unless you meant "by-paths beguile", outside of that it makes little sense, plus the "oft" blech!)
Last week a yellow Caterpillar came
(A diesel “Cat” full-treaded, blade-equipped),
And with élan tornados put to shame, (don't like "elan" but shouldn't there be a comma after it, so the reader knows it is the "cat with elan" that has put the tornadoes to shame. Still one can't get away from it, it is a terrible line.)
Uprooting every tree with claws steel-tipped.
Now ‘cross a bough-heaped, roughly-graded field
I see, not far, discovered neighbors new.
Soon other houses planned will rise, revealed,
That nesting-place for bird or squirr’l hold few.
   Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
   Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Circa 1950's capping ceased to be used (probably do to advances in typesetting). In poetry this was generally taken on immediately with a few hold overs, such as the sonnet. Generally today, sonnets do not follow the old way as it has been noted that it makes the work more difficult to read and thus does it not have purpose, but is counterproductive. 

Is this suppose to be a macabre telling of deforestation and urban sprawl, as I find it difficult to believe it is anything other than satire?

dale

[dukealien]

Sincere thanks to my four (so far) fine critics.   The sonnet is now almost completely rewritten (and, following @tectak's advice, I read a half-revised version aloud to an audience with informative results).   Need to live with it a day or two in its revised state, making nips and tucks, before posting the update.

Without in any way offering it as an excuse, this was originally written as the bulldozer fell silent (and before the chipper started...  Ow!) - also before I placed a Post-It™ note inside the cover of my notebook reading "Eschew archaisms!"  The note is now curled and somewhat yellow.

Regarding capitalization, different discussion, elsewhere.

[Erthona]

I was going to say this sounds very much like one of yours I had read before, but I didn't think it was in a sonnet.

dale

[dukealien]

Needed a kick to get busy and revise this one - thanks to all for providing it (edit below and in the IP).

@tectak - most inversions are gone (one of the codicils to "Eschew archaisms!" is that, generally, if the line contains an inversion, pushing on the line a little harder will eliminate it).  I have left traditional capitalization for now, and the couplet, but they are of course subject to change.  Finally, though the experience of watching a forest go down before my eyes may be a cliche, it was new to me and seemed to require (or anyway inspire) comment.  Though, likely, better than this.  Thanks for your help!

@CholSerp - Thanks, it's important to find out what *is* working as well as what's not.  I've eliminated "élan" but labeled the 'dozer "lusty" instead.  If it was not clear, I don't disapprove (in fact, it could be said I approve, ideologically) owners doing as they like with their property - no tree-hugger, I.  In the present case, a degree of NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) balances that sentiment.

@achebe - see above ref. inversions and pronunciation directives, now eliminated.  Thanks for the read, good critique, and your confidence I can do better.  All helpful.

@Erthona - on technical aspects, see above; amends have been made.  No, this was not intended as satire, or if it is, it satirizes my own sense of loss while also (intellectually?) admiring the industry and ambition of the process.  Does the edit bring that out better, or anyway less clumsily - ambivalence rather than confusion?

And no, this had never been submitted before... but I do write about houses and trees a lot, and people's wishes about and reactions to them.  Does that qualify as a theme or trope rather than repetitiveness?  Maybe if the works are good enough individually (which, at best, remains to be seen.)  Thanks for the bracing and vigorous critique.

Edit 1

Just north of my house lay a little wood,
Ten acres packed with scrub-oaks, thorny, wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Lose track and time there; forest-glad I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat arrived,
Steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it lustily contrived
To uproot every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
My view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
Near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpired that the new development was named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”

[tectak]

Needed a kick to get busy and revise this one - thanks to all for providing it (edit below and in the IP).

@tectak - most inversions are gone (one of the codicils to "Eschew archaisms!" is that, generally, if the line contains an inversion, pushing on the line a little harder will eliminate it).  I have left traditional capitalization for now, and the couplet, but they are of course subject to change.  Finally, though the experience of watching a forest go down before my eyes may be a cliche, it was new to me and seemed to require (or anyway inspire) comment.  Though, likely, better than this.  Thanks for your help!

@CholSerp - Thanks, it's important to find out what *is* working as well as what's not.  I've eliminated "élan" but labeled the 'dozer "lusty" instead.  If it was not clear, I don't disapprove (in fact, it could be said I approve, ideologically) owners doing as they like with their property - no tree-hugger, I.  In the present case, a degree of NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) balances that sentiment.

@achebe - see above ref. inversions and pronunciation directives, now eliminated.  Thanks for the read, good critique, and your confidence I can do better.  All helpful.

@Erthona - on technical aspects, see above; amends have been made.  No, this was not intended as satire, or if it is, it satirizes my own sense of loss while also (intellectually?) admiring the industry and ambition of the process.  Does the edit bring that out better, or anyway less clumsily - ambivalence rather than confusion?

And no, this had never been submitted before... but I do write about houses and trees a lot, and people's wishes about and reactions to them.  Does that qualify as a theme or trope rather than repetitiveness?  Maybe if the works are good enough individually (which, at best, remains to be seen.)  Thanks for the bracing and vigorous critique.

Edit 1

Just north of my house lay a little wood,
Ten acres packed with scrub-oaks, thorny, wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Lose track and time there; forest-glad I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat arrived,
Steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it lustily contrived
To uproot every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
My view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
Near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

Author’s note: It transpired that the new development was named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”

Good egg,
though I fear that "traditional capitalisation" may be a misnomer. I no longer salute yellow AA vans as they pass.
Best,
tectak.
Good edit.

[Erthona]

Paul,

Yes, I agree. I like this edit much better than the original. There is a nice evenness about the pace that fits a modern pastoral. Plus the intent is much more clearly defined.

dale

[dukealien]

Thanks again, there are still rough spots but they should succumb to further smoothing.

As an experiment, let's try this:

Edit 1a

Just north of my house lay a little wood,
ten acres packed with scrub-oaks, thorny, wild,
cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
lose track and time there; forest-glad I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat arrived,
steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it lustily contrived
to uproot every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
my view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.

The principal advantages I see to modern/non-legacy capitalization here are that, first, it sets off the quatrains without skipping lines and, second, it highlights the sentence break at L11 where the period preceding it tends to be missed (if this were free verse the whole third quatrain could do without punctuaion - sentence structure is loose).  Might use this capitalization if the poem were ever published.

@tectak - had to look up the reference to yellow AA vans:  on this side of the pond it's AAA or "Triple-A" with its well-known red oval monogram.  Presumably the extra "A" for "American" was added in somewhat the spirit of substituting "A" for "R" in "RSPCA."  (And perhaps "RAA" was already taken by the Royal Artillery Association or the like.)  Over here "AA" connotes "Alcohollics Anonymous" or "American Airlines," both of which may have vans.  Learn something new every day!  One people separated by a divergent set of acronyms.

[ross hamilton hill]

[quote='dukealien' pid='206792' dateline='1458160947']
The Clearing

Edit 1

Just north of my house lay a little wood,
Ten acres packed with scrub-oaks, thorny, wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Lose track and time there; forest-glad I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat arrived,
Steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it lustily contrived
To uproot every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
My view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
Near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.


The inversion of 'thorny wild' is rhyme driven, coming after scrub-oaks makes the inversion more prominent. 
The enjambment of 'could' is also rhyme driven, the line makes no sense without the follow on.
'forest-glad' is a bit cute, it's unnatural language and a poetic condensing that is meter driven.
'contrived' also is rhyme driven, no one says a Cat contrived to knock down something, you make a problem for yourself by anthropomorphizing the Cat, the real culprits are never mentioned.
Although I also find capitalizing every line old fashioned it is quite acceptable to formalists.  Indenting the volta (last couplet) is not.
I have concentrated on the mistakes here, there are some good lines and I enjoyed the the poem from 'Steel Taloned..' to the end. I don't mind the theme, it's not new but what is?  I also find the irregular meter well handled, it reads well.

[dukealien]

The inversion of 'thorny wild' is rhyme driven, coming after scrub-oaks makes the inversion more prominent. 
The enjambment of 'could' is also rhyme driven, the line makes no sense without the follow on.
'forest-glad' is a bit cute, it's unnatural language and a poetic condensing that is meter driven.
'contrived' also is rhyme driven, no one says a Cat contrived to knock down something, you make a problem for yourself by anthropomorphizing the Cat, the real culprits are never mentioned.
Although I also find capitalizing every line old fashioned it is quite acceptable to formalists.  Indenting the volta (last couplet) is not.
I have concentrated on the mistakes here, there are some good lines and I enjoyed the the poem from 'Steel Taloned..' to the end. I don't mind the theme, it's not new but what is?  I also find the irregular meter well handled, it reads well.

Thanks for this very insightful critique.  While I have not responded to every one of your criticisms in the latest edit (below and in the IP), I've made changes to render the inversion (L2) less blatant and "forest-glad" less cute.  The Cat no longer "contrives" - it becomes quite rambunctious (if only I could find feet to describe its annoying backup beeps - I swear, given the percentage of its time spent in reverse according to that, it should have been in Amarillo by the end of the week).

I see the volta at L9 rather than L13, and wasn't aware that indenting the couplet is discouraged.  When the quatrains and couplet are all separated by blank lines, I don't indent (except in special circumstances).  Have to try it at home without indent and see how it reads...

Edit 2

Just north of my house lay a little wood,
Ten acres packed with thorny scrub-oaks, wild,
Cut by a deep ravine.  Town-bred, I could
Lose track and time there; forest-charmed I smiled.
Last week a yellow diesel Cat appeared,
Steel-taloned, dozer blade down at its head.
With screeching treads it twisted, struck, and reared,
Uprooting every tree alive or dead.
Now, oaks torn down, I see far neighbors where
My view was wooded; spacious houses rise.
Where squirrels rushed and owls would hoot and flare,
Near neighbors soon will share my emptied skies.
    Some fuel and twenty tons of steel that roams
    Did this - those and the yearning dream of homes.


Author’s note: It transpired that the new development was named “The Preserve at Oak Grove.”  It has now been renamed “Nine Oaks.”