Embers

[Mattp]

3:00 AM
too tired to know what raised me
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad

she was lost in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes,

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep

[Tiger the Lion]

Hello Matt. I always wish posters would include their title above the body of the poem. I hate having to scroll up to remind myself of the title and double-check for significance. In this case, even more so because "3:00 AM" looks as though it could be the title. Not overly important, just a personal peeve. So...

Embers

3:00 AM colon here, if nothing else
too tired to know what raised me by the 2nd line I'm already wishing this was a more punctuated poem
these hallways carry a different kind of silence different than?
an old silence
a last vestige of those of have gone before those who
in the corridors of the mad

she was lost in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now why start punctuating now?
she was half dream, half ethereal
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes, not sure about "distant" X2

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes barrage of commas seems sudden
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep

Just wanted to get you started. I'll be back after a few more reads and some more input.
Thanks for the read,
Paul

[Mattp]

Tiger, thanks for the critique. L5 was a mistake - don't know how I missed it. I think you're spot on the punctuation. I need to sort that out. Cheers,

- Matt

[billy]

in general i found it to be wordy. the last stanza needs a complete rewrite as it enters from nowhere and goes nowhere. my advice would be to stick to the mild or novice forum for a while, there you'll get less intense feedback and you'll be able to take it in a bit at a time.

3:00 AM try and delineate lines like this with punctuation or a line space, or both.
too tired to know what raised me
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
inthrough the corridors of the mad

she was lost in a skewed space who is she?
he would follow, but for now who is he? give more info if you plonk people in from thin air
she was half dream, half ethereal
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes, third distant, needs work on the line to make it work

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes another what?
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep

[tectak]

Hello matt,
Can you punctuate? I ask because if you want me to read this then I expect that you have read it first. Call it a courtesy if you like...thing is, I can easily dismiss the piece on the very good grounds that if you can't be bothered then nor can I. Churlish. Line by line, with guesses as to where lines end and begin.

3:00 AM[b] Gimmick. Don't do it unless it is quintessential to the piece. You know, time line poetry. As it is, it isn't.
too tired to know what raised me Already I am reading "...too tired to know what raised me these hallways..." Oh, do come along. It cannot be that difficult. No more comments on lack of punctuation. I can't bear to listen to myself.
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad Image-wise you are getting more from this than the words deserve. That is because of the emotive links with mad, silence, old, last vestige ( cliche), gone before (cliche). There is not really a whole lot of "information" here. I have no idea where you are, why you were asleep, why you woke, who "those" are...are you going to tell me? We shall see.

she was lost in a skewed space Wha...? Wh? Who she? Who he? These are just words with no connectivity. The title doesn't help me. It should.You are thinking YOUR thoughts but not transmitting.
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal She has not got a lot going for her. Half dream and half ethereal leaves sweet fuck all...and after all that she was un-named, unknown and too far away to see. This is way too wordy and verging on nothing at all of substance.
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes, gobbledygook

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep I am now completely lost and find I really do not care. You need to give more information to make this hang together in any coherent way. There is no core metaphor...frankly, there is no core anything. It is just YOUR musing with no help given to the reader. In fairness, I guess we all have good ideas which scream to be written down. Sadly, ideas are a mind product and do not copy-and-paste successfully. To make the move from you to me you must TRANSLATE your musings in to the informative written word. It is tempting to just let yourself write what you believe will be appreciated but that is rarely, if ever, poetry. The trick is to use imagery, metaphor, structure, punctuation and sublety...that last parameter is the difficult one but often it is the ONLY one used by aspirants. So if you want to dismiss this crit...just go to bed happy that it was just too subtle for me.
Best,
tectak
 

[/b]

[Mattp]

Folks, thanks so much for the honesty. I think I've fallen victim to reading this as a writer and not as a reader. At the moment this actually reads well to me. I'm going to have to put it away for a couple months and then come back and read it as others do. Thanks again,

- Matt

[CholSerp]

3:00 AM 3 syllables
too tired to know what raised me 7 syllables
these hallways carry a different kind of silence 12 syllables
an old silence 4 syllables
a last vestige of those who have gone before 11 syllables
in the corridors of the mad 8 syllables

she was lost in a skewed space 7
he would follow, but for now 7
she was half dream, half ethereal 9
far too distant for me 6
to see past distant eyes, 6

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes 10
were embers 3
an evil as ancient 6
as the spawning of Gods, 6
and I sleep 3

Dear Matt, 

I think you need to rewrite this entirely and start from scratch. I'm not saying scrap this poem. I'm saying, try again. 

The central problem I see in your poem is its disconnection, it's incoherence. It's impossible to follow the poem because too many things change abruptly, there is too much vagueness, and too many undeveloped themes and images. 

As far as I can see, the action of the poem is that the speaker wakes up in a mental asylum and he has two visions. In the first vision (the second stanza), the speaker sees a woman. In the second vision (third stanza) he sees a male figure with evil-looking ember eyes. Then the speaker returns to sleep. 

If this is indeed the action in the poem, my question is SO WHAT? So what that the speaker is in a mental asylum and has woken up to see two visions? We, the audience, are not persuaded or compelled to care. For example, how do the visions affect the speaker? Do they remind him of something? 

You have three characters in this poem and they are all underdeveloped. Why don't you focus on one character and develop his experience in the mental asylum? Why is he there? Make us care about this speaker in the asylum.

[Mattp]

Cholserp, hey,

Well at least I'm getting the jist of it across. I do think you're right about starting from scratch on this one. There are a few elements I'd like to harvest but based on the feedback this isn't working in a big way. You've given me some aspects to ponder. Thanks for the help,

- Matt

[CholSerp]

Cholserp, hey,

Well at least I'm getting the jist of it across. I do think you're right about starting from scratch on this one. There are a few elements I'd like to harvest but based on the feedback this isn't working in a big way. You've given me some aspects to ponder. Thanks for the help,

- Matt

Glad I could help, Matt. So have you done any revision yet? What are you thinking? I'd love to see what you're going to do with the poem, which has lots of promise. 

In the meantime, I invite you to read and critique my poem "Routines: Poem 1." Here's the thread: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-18531...#pid207016

[porcelain bones]

3:00 AM
too tired to know what raised me
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad ... mad is too easy, come up with something more descriptive, more emotive.

she was lost in a skewed space ... this is nice. More stuff like this.
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal ... cut ethereal, it's too pseudo-poetic. Leave it as "she was half dream", it's a lot more interesting and pulls you in.
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes, ... I know the double instance of the word 'distance' is intentional, but it's not working for me. Come up with something more emotive.

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient ... evil is such a tired word, let it catch its well deserved rest until we truly need it. You've got words like malicious, cruel, &c. The thesaurus is a writer's best friend.
as the spawning of Gods, ... also potentially pseudo-poetic. If you need to talk about 'the gods' for the sake of your poem, do a little research, reference a particular
and I sleep

[Mattp]

porcelain - thanks for throwing some time at this, much appreciated. I think those two lines with "distant" can be hacked entirely. Actually most of this poem can be hacked entirely. I'm learning to read as a reader and I'm far from in love with this poem. Your other points are well taken.

CholSerp - yeah I have some new pieces./images that I think I like, but I'm well short of a revision. Going to go check out your stuff now - looking forward to it.

- Matt

[ross hamilton hill]

an old silence
You could edit this line since the next line says it in more detail.

in the corridors of the mad
I don't like this, you have already established the scene with 'hallways' and mad is a broad abstract, too many meanings to be effective. 

she was (lost) in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now
she was (half dream, half ethereal) 
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes,
The use of 'he' and 'she' make this seem impersonal, 'half dream' is vague, 'half ethereal' is telling not showing. 


then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep
Not sure what your 'cold feet' have to do with it. 'eyes were embers' is close to a cliche of evil. I like how the ending brings the reader back to the 3 AM title.
It's painful but I suggest you can do more with this, make the he and she into more real people with greater detail, not abstractions, not modifiers but images the reader can work with. 

[Lucifer]

hey dude


3:00 AM - I would cut this out. Not needed, it's a really cliche start, and it brings this poem down to earth too much. The rest of the poem is so ethereal and other worldly (which i love) that giving it a time is kind of a bummer and hold its back.
too tired to know what raised me - great line
these hallways carry a different kind of silence
an old silence
a last vestige of those who have gone before
in the corridors of the mad - corridors of the mad is too teeny and too easy... this is a huge opportunity to be very creative - highly reccomend revisiting this line.

she was lost in a skewed space
he would follow, but for now
she was half dream, half ethereal - this section is too choppy. the way 'but for now' ends on a line is incoherent (in a bad way).
far too distant for me
to see past distant eyes,

then another, my feet were cold, his eyes
were embers - too me, this line would have been MUCH more powerful if "his eyes were embers" was not serperated. Keep it on one line, also letting the first line end with "my feet were cold" gives more depth to that idea, which is too quickly scuttled away by "his eyes" in the current form.
an evil as ancient
as the spawning of Gods,
and I sleep - again, another opportunity to be highly creative. I would advise you revisit this. The 'sleep' is a little cliche - as is 'the spawning of Gods'

I can definitely see what you're after, and I think you're very close to having a really great poem. Good job