~It's Just That Simple~ Revised Version

[ficosdarkness]

My flow may seem common,
quite simple at times.
Juvenile to some, maybe,
the reason? The rhymes.

It won't flow in fiction.
I can't write a lie.
My life's in the verses,
that's how my words fly.

Reliving my childhood,
the cause and effect.
It's the sins of my father,
I attempt to correct.

My poker face is no help here,
my words are my tell.
Questions unanswered
are my living hell.

I write to help purge him,
to maintain control.
It's not about attention,
my flow saves my soul.

Written by: ficosdarkness
Rewritten on: May 1st 2012 1:54am

[b]~It's Just That Simple~ Original Poem

My flow may seem common,
even simple at times.
Juvenile to some, maybe,
because mostly it rhyms.

It won't flow in fiction.
No, I can't write a lie.
My life's in my "flow",
it's just how the words fly.

I relive my childhood,
the cause and it's effect.
The sin's of my "daddy",
I'm attempting to correct.

These issue's still haunt me,
just read me and you can tell.
He lives on inside me, after his death,
Separate on earth, but together in hell.

I write to help purge him,
to maintain control.
It's not about attention,
my flow saves my soul.

Well this is my "gig."
It help's me feel sane.
I don't write to impress,
my flow eases the pain.

Written By: ficosdarkness
October 28, 2010 4:02am

I THINK THAT THE REVISION ON THIS PIECE HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING. I'M ALSO HOPING THAT EDITING AND REVISING A FEW OF MY OLDER PIECES WILL HELP IN BREAKING ME FREE FROM THIS NASTY WEB OF WRITER'S BLOCK THAT I'VE BEEN TANGLED UP IN FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. I TRIED TO APPLY MOST OF THE CRITIQUES OFFERED AND I THINK I'VE IMPROVED THE FLOW BY DOING SO. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[Todd]

Hi fico,

Since this is mild, let me throw a few comments your way:

1) Watch your apostrophes. In the case of Life's you get it right because you're using it as a contraction for life is, and in S2 it's is correct. In the other areas you need to remove the apostrophes. You are mostly going for plural forms of words and not trying to indicate possession ironically it's in S3 needs to lose the apostrophe because in that instance you do mean for there to be possession. They are minor typos but should be easy for you to clean up so that don't distract from your content.

2) This seems like it would be successful as a spoken word piece. The conversational style has sort of a hip authenticity to it. As a spoken word piece you can tell us things and it feels natural.

3) When you commit it to writing words like just, maybe, mostly come across as filler words. I don't mean they can never be used, but often they don't add much.

4) Here's the thing, when you say something like these issues still haunt me. We the readers believe there are probably some issues that haunt you but they are so on the surface that we are left to guess (and that strips the poem of its emotional power). Try grounding statements like that in an image or an event. It doesn't have to be shock value but it simply needs to connect us with the moment. Here's an example to show what I mean (this poet had issues with her father) This is The Tooth Fairy by Dorianne Laux:

http://voodooverse.wordpress.com/2008/03...anne-laux/

Again fico there's a nice cadence here and I think you've identified one of the core places you go to find inspiration for writing. I would encourage you to try to take us a little below the surface.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[ficosdarkness]

Hi fico,

Since this is mild, let me throw a few comments your way:

1) Watch your apostrophes. In the case of Life's you get it right because you're using it as a contraction for life is, and in S2 it's is correct. In the other areas you need to remove the apostrophes. You are mostly going for plural forms of words and not trying to indicate possession ironically it's in S3 needs to lose the apostrophe because in that instance you do mean for there to be possession. They are minor typos but should be easy for you to clean up so that don't distract from your content.

2) This seems like it would be successful as a spoken word piece. The conversational style has sort of a hip authenticity to it. As a spoken word piece you can tell us things and it feels natural.

3) When you commit it to writing words like just, maybe, mostly come across as filler words. I don't mean they can never be used, but often they don't add much.

4) Here's the thing, when you say something like these issues still haunt me. We the readers believe there are probably some issues that haunt you but they are so on the surface that we are left to guess (and that strips the poem of its emotional power). Try grounding statements like that in an image or an event. It doesn't have to be shock value but it simply needs to connect us with the moment. Here's an example to show what I mean (this poet had issues with her father) This is The Tooth Fairy by Dorianne Laux:

http://voodooverse.wordpress.com/2008/03...anne-laux/

Again fico there's a nice cadence here and I think you've identified one of the core places you go to find inspiration for writing. I would encourage you to try to take us a little below the surface.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

Todd, I'm alway's interested in what I can do to reach whoever reads my poem's. Your word's they truley help! Thank you for your critique

[addy]

Thanks for posting this... simple but passionate. Agree that there are quite a few filler words you won't miss deleting ("the cause and it's effect" could be just "the cause and effect", for instance)

Also, just imo. I felt that the second to last stanza would've been a stronger finish to the poem than the actual last stanza (at least those last few lines)

Again, thanks for the read

[ficosdarkness]

Thanks for posting this... simple but passionate. Agree that there are quite a few filler words you won't miss deleting ("the cause and it's effect" could be just "the cause and effect", for instance)

Also, just imo. I felt that the second to last stanza would've been a stronger finish to the poem than the actual last stanza (at least those last few lines)

Again, thanks for the read

Thank you, Addy! You've been a great help to me! I'm still a work in progress, hoping that I have it in me to become complete.