The Pub Where I Was Born

[shemthepenman]

[SOFT EDIT]
The Pub Where I Was Born

                             after The Pogues

From what I've seen
of this place that pretends to be home,
love's a shot of Sambuca to oblivion:
empty but chatters like it's full.

Here, connections conform
to a 3 mile radius of oedipal options,
where a simple, stupid, drunken choice is made,
and pettiness* falls for desperation—
here, in this place that pretends to be home.


*i decided against substituting 'pettiness' for 'apathy', because 'apathy' sounds too innocent and passive for the, one might say, mise-en-scene i'm aiming at.


[EDIT]
The Pub Where I Was Born

                             after The Pogues

From what I've seen,
of this place that pretends to be home,
love's a shot of Sambuca to oblivion:
empty but chatters like it's full.

Here, connections conform
to a 3 mile radius of oedipal options,
where a simple, stupid, drunken choice is made—
here, in this place that pretends to be home.



The Pub Where I Was Born

                             after The Pogues

From what I've seen of this place,
this grim, dismal place that pretends to be home,
love's a shot of Sambuca to oblivion—
empty but chatters like it's full,
dead while a jukebox beats like a pulse,
a going train stopped in its tracks.
Here, connections conform
to a 3 mile radius of oedipal options,
where a simple, stupid, drunken choice is made,
and pettiness falls for desperation—
here, in this place that pretends to be home.

[egr]

Hi!

I like this little poem.
"Sambuca" and "oedipal" are sexy.
Adjectives "grim" and "dismal" are a bit redundant, though reading them aloud they do sound OK together.
You really hit it with "empty but chatters like it's full"; the next two lines are a bit predictable to me, but the metaphors work.
In "simple, stupid, drunken" each adjective is independent and has a natural enunciation that further draws out the meaning.
Not sure I like "pettiness falls for desperation"--I'm trying to picture it, but it's not conjuring.
Love the repitition of "place that pretends to be home."

Thanks for sharing!
EGR

[shemthepenman]

hello,
thank you for reading. i think you have hit the nail on the head with your critical points. grim and dismal, though i am not sure redundant are pretty lazy. and the the two lines following the "empty. . ." line are predictable, in the sense that the rule of 3 comes into play and two further contradictory images are expected. i would, however, if i were more confident about this 'poem', argue that although predictable within context, taken independently, this line is quite interesting; as in, the Going Train* of a clock or watch mechanism runs but doesn't go, etc. and although 'stopped in its tracks' is cliche [i like this phrase so much that i have used it in a few poems, thus making it a cliche within my own stuff, turning it into a double cliche - never good] i think it fits quite uniquely with the Going Train watch mechanism image.
and my god, yes, the 'pettiness' line is awful. if the poem wasn't abstract enough, this line tips it over the edge. it was a far more prosaic line to begin with [as was the poem itself] "a. . . choice is made / with varying parameters of pettiness and desperation". but, again, laziness dictated the change, and i made the rookie mistake of letting myself get carried away with my own idea, trying to force the personification of an abstract without doing the leg work.
in short, it lacks substance, but has a few elements that are salvageable. i doubt i will change it, but some of the lines might end up in something better in the future, if i ever find the will to actually write a proper poem again - but like my magic 8 ball once predicted:  -NO-


*it has come to my attention 'Going Train' [as in the cog mechanism in a watch or clock] isn't a term that is widely known. in which case, the reasons for keeping it would be idiosyncratic at best.

Hi!

I like this little poem.
"Sambuca" and "oedipal" are sexy.
Adjectives "grim" and "dismal" are a bit redundant, though reading them aloud they do sound OK together.
You really hit it with "empty but chatters like it's full"; the next two lines are a bit predictable to me, but the metaphors work.
In "simple, stupid, drunken" each adjective is independent and has a natural enunciation that further draws out the meaning.
Not sure I like "pettiness falls for desperation"--I'm trying to picture it, but it's not conjuring.
Love the repitition of "place that pretends to be home."

Thanks for sharing!
EGR

[Weeded]

I thought you stopped writing poetry Shem, now I see why.



Hahaha just kidding, I just had to use that corny line for some reason.

But foreally, this is dope! I had to google Sambuca, never heard of it. I see you just edited... But I kinda like the original more.. One of my favorite parts was the way it flowed from dismal into full.

Makes me wanna hit the bar 

[ellajam]

sweet edit, good choices, shem.

Welcome to the site, egr.

[Keith]

Hi Shem
I really enjoyed the the original, I like the decayed image and lost off beat quietness it conveys, but for me the edit feel like its been rushed and some of the good stuff has been lost. Also for me a pub has a smell and I would have liked that to be included to add to the whole tone of grim and dismal also the idea of pettiness falling for desperation was nearly my favorite line as it is so true only I would swap pettiness for apathy but I guess that how I see it...your poem. I really like the last line as it leaves the reader coming back to the question of what kind of home would this be. Nice job. Keith

[shemthepenman]

I thought you stopped writing poetry Shem, now I see why.



Hahaha just kidding, I just had to use that corny line for some reason.

But foreally, this is dope! I had to google Sambuca, never heard of it. I see you just edited... But I kinda like the original more.. One of my favorite parts was the way it flowed from dismal into full.

Makes me wanna hit the bar 

often a true word is spoken in jest anyway, thanks for reading!

---

sweet edit, good choices, shem.

Welcome to the site, egr.

cheers big ears! X

---

Hi Shem
I really enjoyed the the original, I like the decayed image and lost off beat quietness it conveys, but for me the edit feel like its been rushed and some of the good stuff has been lost. Also for me a pub has a smell and I would have liked that to be included to add to the whole tone of grim and dismal also the idea of pettiness falling for desperation was nearly my favorite line as it is so true only I would swap pettiness for apathy but I guess that how I see it...your poem. I really like the last line as it leaves the reader coming back to the question of what kind of home would this be. Nice job. Keith

thanks for reading.
yeah, the edit was a little, maybe not rushed, but certainly brutal. there is possibly a happier medium between the original and edit that could be reached. i will think on.
and ahh, curse you! you have made me think twice about the 'falling for' line. . . i really like the suggestion of 'apathy', it is a far better word capturing the arbitrariness of a certain type of 'romantic' entanglement.

i also did think about giving a fuller description of the pub [pubs in general], including smells; yet, i have written a ton of poems about pubs in the past, and would have personally felt like i was retreading old ground, just for the sake of it.
also, the reason i like the edit, is because it kind of seems more in keeping with the scope of the poem. it is more like a joycean aphorism, keeping only what is absolutely necessary. i don't know, but you have made me think. thanks again.

[RiverNotch]

I prefer the new edit.

From what I've seen, Comma here is unnecessary, I think.
of this place that pretends to be home, 
love's a shot of Sambuca to oblivion:
empty but chatters like it's full.
The two removed lines at first reading felt somewhat important, but that edit compared to this, yeah, the piece did seem to die at those lines -- too much description, perhaps, but with the same impact-per-line. The last line here, "empty but chatter like it's full", punches the whole point perfectly, and with the stanza break, perfectly enough, on its own.
Here, connections conform 
to a 3 mile radius of oedipal options,
where a simple, stupid, drunken choice is made—
I rather liked "and pettiness falls for desperation---" -- it may have been less evocative, but it did help to make the ending more grand, did in its connected abstractness uplift the point of the choice. Rather you returned it.
here, in this place that pretends to be home.

[shemthepenman]

I prefer the new edit.

From what I've seen, Comma here is unnecessary, I think.
of this place that pretends to be home, 
love's a shot of Sambuca to oblivion:
empty but chatters like it's full.
The two removed lines at first reading felt somewhat important, but that edit compared to this, yeah, the piece did seem to die at those lines -- too much description, perhaps, but with the same impact-per-line. The last line here, "empty but chatter like it's full", punches the whole point perfectly, and with the stanza break, perfectly enough, on its own.
Here, connections conform 
to a 3 mile radius of oedipal options,
where a simple, stupid, drunken choice is made—
I rather liked "and pettiness falls for desperation---" -- it may have been less evocative, but it did help to make the ending more grand, did in its connected abstractness uplift the point of the choice. Rather you returned it.
here, in this place that pretends to be home.

thanks for the critique.
yep, the comma is an unnecessary artefact absent-mindedly left over from the original.
i am struggling with the 'pettiness' line. you make a compelling argument, and indeed, i am starting to appreciate its inclusion.
thanks again.