A Blackbirds lament

[Keith]

The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath,
adrenaline fuelled a rising panic,
a realisation
I had taken a life.

I laid the breadcrumbs,
hid behind the garden wall.
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger.
It was all my responsibility.

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you,
soft like you were filled with water.
The colour of your beak,
the clarity of your eyes,
the perfect design of your feathers-
all wasted by me.
I buried you in the garden
and made promises
that I have kept.

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms,
set it free when the weather
turned warm;
gave it back your life.

He only visited the garden
a few times,
but I kept looking.
Maybe he made new friends
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like.

[Leanne]

This is a powerful exploration of guilt, remorse, recompense and ultimately the harshest of all lessons:  nothing returns the dead to life.

The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath,
my mind followed a rising panic  -- for me, this line loses clarity.  Are you listing my breath, my mind or does the mind follow panic?  If so, what does that mean?  Does the mind perhaps flee before panic?  
of realisation, I had taken a life.  -- can there be a panic of realisation?  One implies chaos, the other rationality.  If you maintain panic, my suggestion would be to follow it with a colon, get rid of of realisation and go straight to I had taken a life.  

I had laid the breadcrumbs
hid behind the garden wall -- some punctuation needed
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger -- again, punctuation
it was all my responsibility.

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you -- this is an important detail and the sensory description demands the reader's attention -- very nice
soft like you were filled with water.
The colour of your beak -- some commas for a list perhaps
the clarity of your eyes
the perfect design of your feathers
all wasted by me.
I buried you in the garden
and made promises
I have kept. -- I read this wanting "that I have kept" -- it doesn't need it for correctness but I hear it in the rhythm

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms,
set it free when the weather
turned warm, -- I'd prefer to see an em-dash here to separate actions from impetus
gave it back your life.

He only visited the garden
a few times,
but I kept looking.
Maybe he made new friends
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like. -- brilliant ending

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Keith, this is really nice. I agree with Leanne about some of the punctuation. You've written in long, somewhat complicated sentences, which I love - but it's always tricky trying to punctuate clearly without weighing down the words .
I will try to lay down how my ear hears it and you can pick and choose what may or may not work.

The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath, strong start
my mind followed a rising panic if you decide to tinker with this line, "rush" rather than "rising panic" might address Leanne's concern. Or not?
of realisation, I had taken a life. I think " I had taken a life." deserves its own line. 

I had laid the breadcrumbs
hid behind the garden wall stronger if you strike "had" and "hid" then comma after "wall"
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight and squeezed the trigger-- this is where it gets tricky. option in red
it was all my responsibility.

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you some punc. needed here. your choice
soft like you were filled with water.
The colour of your beak comma
the clarity of your eyes comma
the perfect design of your feathers
all wasted by me.
I buried you in the garden
and made promises
I have kept. I was a little jarred here. It may only be because the ear is used to hearing "promises I haven't kept". Sad. I would explore the suggestion to smooth it metrically if possible.

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms, maybe "him" rather than "it" here. Its more personal, and you say "he" next, so I think it would work.
set it free when the weather
turned warm, I'm resisting the urge to want more than a comma here, but have decided its enough.
gave it back your life.

He only visited the garden
a few times,
but I kept looking. could you do more with this line?
Maybe he made new friends I would consider a comma here too - for the sake of suspense - not grammar
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like. wonderful matter-of-fact ending

Enjoying this one very much. Thanks and good luck with it.
Paul
Edit*** The piece deserves more than the generic title. Sounds like a movie title dumbed-down for the masses.

[Achebe]

The opening is animated, the middle contemplative, and the ending wistful. It's just as it should be.
Minor nit: the punctuation, particularly the commas, is/are erratic. 
Some other observations  inline below.
Overall, one of your best (at least in the last six months or so)

The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath,
my mind followed a rising panic
of realisation, I had taken a life.

I had laid the breadcrumbs
hid behind the garden wall
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger
it was all my responsibility. ... lose the 'it was'?

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you
soft like you were filled with water. ... this is a beautiful line
The colour of your beak
the clarity of your eyes
the perfect design of your feathers
all wasted by me.
I buried you in the garden
and made promises
I have kept. ... though heard a million times in one form or another, the above three lines are perfect

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms,
set it free when the weather
turned warm,
gave it back your life. ... this line is slightly irritating - very slightly - because it labours the obvious. The 'your life' is fine, but 'gave it back' is too, too, bloody direct, and mars the subtle suggestion of the preceding lines. 

He only visited the garden
a few times,
but I kept looking.
Maybe he made new friends
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like. ... great ending

[Keith]

This is a powerful exploration of guilt, remorse, recompense and ultimately the harshest of all lessons:  nothing returns the dead to life.

The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath,
my mind followed a rising panic  -- for me, this line loses clarity.  Are you listing my breath, my mind or does the mind follow panic?  If so, what does that mean?  Does the mind perhaps flee before panic?  
of realisation, I had taken a life.  -- can there be a panic of realisation?  One implies chaos, the other rationality.  If you maintain panic, my suggestion would be to follow it with a colon, get rid of of realisation and go straight to I had taken a life.  

I had laid the breadcrumbs
hid behind the garden wall -- some punctuation needed
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger -- again, punctuation
it was all my responsibility.

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you -- this is an important detail and the sensory description demands the reader's attention -- very nice
soft like you were filled with water.
The colour of your beak -- some commas for a list perhaps
the clarity of your eyes
the perfect design of your feathers
all wasted by me.
I buried you in the garden
and made promises
I have kept. -- I read this wanting "that I have kept" -- it doesn't need it for correctness but I hear it in the rhythm

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms,
set it free when the weather
turned warm, -- I'd prefer to see an em-dash here to separate actions from impetus
gave it back your life.

He only visited the garden
a few times,
but I kept looking.
Maybe he made new friends
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like. -- brilliant ending

Thanks for taking the time with this Leanne all comments are helpful for the edit, I had to Google EM-DASH so I'm still working out how I might use that. Best Keith

---

Hey Keith, this is really nice. I agree with Leanne about some of the punctuation. You've written in long, somewhat complicated sentences, which I love - but it's always tricky trying to punctuate clearly without weighing down the words .
I will try to lay down how my ear hears it and you can pick and choose what may or may not work.
Enjoying this one very much. Thanks and good luck with it.
Paul
Edit*** The piece deserves more than the generic title. Sounds like a movie title dumbed-down for the masses.

Thank you Paul you have given my lots to work with for the edit and I will have another look at the title. Much appreciated Keith

---

The opening is animated, the middle contemplative, and the ending wistful. It's just as it should be.
Minor nit: the punctuation, particularly the commas, is/are erratic. 
Some other observations  inline below.
Overall, one of your best (at least in the last six months or so)

[/quote]

Thank you for the feedback Achebe its greatly appreciated, I plan to take all comments into the edit and I will try to sort out the punctuation. Thanks again Keith

[tectak]

Don't know how I missed this, Keith. It is familiar to me...but I got over it. Nonetheless...
The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath, Nice and clever...not clever arse. Good but precise enough in its start and finish to warrant a period
my mind followed a rising panicNot clear here. A "panic of realisation" is cerebral every which way. I can accept that "brain is not mind" but not that "thinking is not mind". So for me..."My mind filled with the rising panic of realisation" makes sense to me.
of realisation, I had taken a life. Or if you had said "...panic of realisation THAT I had taken a life..." then fine. But you didn't. You want dramatic effect here. So something more pausey (and if that ain't a word it should be) than an enfeebled comma, surely? "My mind filled with the rising panic of realisation; I had taken  life."

I had laid the breadcrumbs Oh dear me. "I had laid the breadcrumbs (then) I hid behind the garden wall" can be restated. " I laid the breadcrumbs then hid behind the garden wall. I waited ( we have lost the need for "had laid" and "had waited") in silence as you landed, lined (up) the sight and squeezed the trigger. It was all my responsibility (fault?)". This is how I would write it, Keith. You are not me so no offence either way. Frankly, what I am doing is rewriting it not as I would write it, but as how I read it. Suggestions only.
hid behind the garden wall
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger
it was all my responsibility.

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you The "as" word is a problem for nearly everyone especially me. Thing is, the implied simultaneity when none is needed, combined with a conditionality where none is intended. For both these reasons I try to avoid using it EXCEPT when I MEAN to use one or other nuances. What is wrong with " I tried to revive your still warm body body; soft AS though full of water." This brings a tight noose around connected terms without adding explanatory interjections...soft like YOU were filled with water. Well of course, it is YOU, bird, that refers...there's only a bird and a narrator. No need for clarification.
soft like you were filled with water....and this line is poor anyway because of the "soft like you" against "like you were" dilemma.
The colour of your beak A missed opportunity to let punctuation do what punctuation does best....clarifies. A few commas, please.
the clarity of your eyes
the perfect design of your feathers I would jump to a semicolon after this list but I would be wrong to do so. Here we have the perfect place for the single  em-dash. It does not come up often.
all wasted by me.
I buried you in the garden
and made promises Random enjambment. You may have reason for avoiding
"I buried you in the garden and
made promises I have kept." but I cannot see it. Read out loud and adjust the pause after "and" ( you are allowed to do this with line endings) to suit the dramatic effect. It already flows, to my ear, much better. Poets love the promise of a promise...it is so darned humanistic in concept and has the weight of oath and truth and contract and (usually) good intent. I like it used here...almost as a mark of honour. I kept my promise...so that's alright, then. Good. ( I used the concept in my "Unshared" so I am biased
I have kept.

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms, Cat's do not thrive on worms. What did you feed the fledgling on? Bloody "it" word.
set it free when the weather
turned warm,
gave it back your life. Hmmm. "Your" life? Who you?I get the reciprocity but life is such a good and fungible commodity that I want this line to be clearer. "Gave back to it your life..." is horrible and I apologise for it but it is, I think, what you mean.

He only visited the garden
a few times,
but I kept looking.
Maybe he made new friends
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like. Cute ending. Not rushed. Very likeable if not poignantly portentous Da da da daaahhh. (dramatic chords)

I am late coming to this, Keith. Take what you will or nothing at all.
Best,
tectak

[Keith]

I had laid the breadcrumbs Oh dear me. "I had laid the breadcrumbs (then) I hid behind the garden wall" can be restated. " I laid the breadcrumbs then hid behind the garden wall. I waited ( we have lost the need for "had laid" and "had waited") in silence as you landed, lined (up) the sight and squeezed the trigger. It was all my responsibility (fault?)". This is how I would write it, Keith. You are not me so no offence either way. Frankly, what I am doing is rewriting it not as I would write it, but as how I read it. Suggestions only.
hid behind the garden wall
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger
it was all my responsibility.

Thank you for your considered reply tectak some good stuff for tomorrows edit I hope...but just to clarify if I'm reading the above correctly your saying...I am playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order Best Keith

[porcelain bones]

The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath,
my mind followed a rising panic
of realisation, I had taken a life. ... correct to realization

I had laid the breadcrumbs ... should be a comma here.
hid behind the garden wall ...should be a comma here.
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger
it was all my responsibility. ... too many items in this series, a mouthful. Try breaking it up somehow, like putting "lined the sight" on its own line and then "squeezed the trigger" in another. This will build a bit more tension when its being read. Or you could combine "hid behind..." and "waited in the...". Something like "

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you
soft like you were filled with water. ... try "like you were filling up with water", 
The colour of your beak
the clarity of your eyes
the perfect design of your feathers
all wasted by me.  ... we already know the killer, it feels redundant to keep stating it, just put "all a waste" or something to taht regard
I buried you in the garden
and made promises
I have kept. ... try "I would keep", I have kept sounds a little off

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms,
set it free when the weather
turned warm,
gave it back your life.

He only visited the garden
a few times, ... you come up with something more interesting than 
but I kept looking.
Maybe he made new friends
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like.

As a whole I would even recommend starting with the third stanza, as this will create some tension when the reader won't quite know what's happening right at the start of the poem with the line "your body was still warm while I tried to revive you". Then you can incorporate the important parts of the first two stanzas into the remainder of the poem, like bread crumbs, etc.

Also, although I like the simplicity, there is not a lot of interesting language happening here, it is a little too obvious. Be more descriptive, don't just tell us that the beak had "colour", show us, "the blues, the greens". I would also recommend examining the lines of your poem and see the minimal amount of description necessary for you to still convey the same information, for example your line "when the weather turned warm", is a thousand times more emotive than if you had said "when spring came", the reader's smart. You can even play up the reveal of the 'you' in this poem, draw it out, tease us with it, take the reader for a ride.

A couple ideas for you to run with.

[Keith]

The pellet hit your breast
and took my breath,
my mind followed a rising panic
of realisation, I had taken a life. ... correct to realization

I had laid the breadcrumbs ... should be a comma here.
hid behind the garden wall ...should be a comma here.
waited in silence as you landed,
lined the sight, squeezed the trigger
it was all my responsibility. ... too many items in this series, a mouthful. Try breaking it up somehow, like putting "lined the sight" on its own line and then "squeezed the trigger" in another. This will build a bit more tension when its being read. Or you could combine "hid behind..." and "waited in the...". Something like "

Your body was still warm
as I tried to revive you
soft like you were filled with water. ... try "like you were filling up with water", 
The colour of your beak
the clarity of your eyes
the perfect design of your feathers
all wasted by me.  ... we already know the killer, it feels redundant to keep stating it, just put "all a waste" or something to taht regard
I buried you in the garden
and made promises
I have kept. ... try "I would keep", I have kept sounds a little off

The following year I saved
a fledgling thrush
from the mouth of a cat,
raised it on worms,
set it free when the weather
turned warm,
gave it back your life.

He only visited the garden
a few times, ... you come up with something more interesting than 
but I kept looking.
Maybe he made new friends
or maybe the other birds told him
what I was really like.

As a whole I would even recommend starting with the third stanza, as this will create some tension when the reader won't quite know what's happening right at the start of the poem with the line "your body was still warm while I tried to revive you". Then you can incorporate the important parts of the first two stanzas into the remainder of the poem, like bread crumbs, etc.

Also, although I like the simplicity, there is not a lot of interesting language happening here, it is a little too obvious. Be more descriptive, don't just tell us that the beak had "colour", show us, "the blues, the greens". I would also recommend examining the lines of your poem and see the minimal amount of description necessary for you to still convey the same information, for example your line "when the weather turned warm", is a thousand times more emotive than if you had said "when spring came", the reader's smart. You can even play up the reveal of the 'you' in this poem, draw it out, tease us with it, take the reader for a ride.

A couple ideas for you to run with.

Hi PB
Thank you for taking time to write such a considered reply all comments are very helpful, I am committed to an edit on this one as I think all the good advice on this thread will make it so much better. I have had a few goes but as yet I'm not happy with the result so its still in WIP pile. Thanks for bringing it back to the top. Keith