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I am trying the rhyme scheme. However, there are a couple of weird points in the poems. Any advice is greatly appreciate.
Where are you the keeper of my heart?
How dare you commit such stealing.
Without it, I can't do fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free.
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.
Torture me, and rob me of my prime.
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03-04-2016, 01:28 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-04-2016, 01:29 AM by Todd.)
Hi 1skylande1,
Without commenting on any of the other parts, the meter feels largely irregular. For this to flow and for the rhyme to be seamless and natural you need to establish a more consistent rhythm. As it is the piece feels disjointed. There are some threads in the practice forum that talk about meter. Here's a sticky to read:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-3512.html
It's not that there isn't a problem with the rhyme but the larger issue is the skeleton you're placing the rhyme on. Give some attention to meter, read the poem out loud and ask yourself if it flows. To me it seems choppy.
Hope that helps some.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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As Todd notes, formal meter is basically a requirement for a consistent rhyme scheme. So the meter must be consistent first, for that to happen on must decide what meter one is going to write in.
Where are you the keeper of my heart? ( trochee pentameter/ half foot)
How dare you commit such stealing. (1 foot iamb, 1 foot anapest, 1 foot iamb, with a hanging foot)
Without it, I can't do fine art, (iambic tetrameter)
Or attend to things with feeling. (trochee tetrameter.)
If the meter were consistent then the accent (in bold) would fall on in the same place, on the same syllable each time. Just for the sake for example (mostly nonsense verse)
[b]You [/b]the [b]stea[/b]ler [b]of my heart
[/b][b]with [/b]out[b] it[/b], I'll do no art.
2 lines of trochee trimeter with a hanging foot. Trochee being 2 syllables with the accent on the first. Trimeter meaning three.
Formal verse is a good place to start, too often people want to jump right into free verse without having developed any sense of cadence, caesura, etc., that one learns from formal verse and needs to know to have something other than a superficial knowledge of free verse.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Where are you the keeper of my heart?
How dare you commit such stealing.
Without it, I can't do fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free.
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.
Torture me, and rob me of my prime.
I agree with previous comments; the metre needs attention first. The message is obscure; is it meant to be accusatory? If so why is the writer burdened with a "soul of passion"? Why does the author need to capture the subject if all he/she needs back is his/her heart? I think you need to think a little bit about the message here. Then metre.
Hope this helps
Ashok
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Hey,
I'm new to this forum and I certainly don't consider myself to be very knowledgeable when it comes to critiquing poetry. This will actually be my first attempt so certainly feel free to take anything I have to say with a grain of salt. Anyway.
Where are you the keeper of my heart?
How dare you commit such stealing.
Without it, I can't do fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free.
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.
Torture me, and rob me of my prime.
I also have to agree with the previous comments. I don't know very much about meter but upon reading it does seem to stumble and catch in a couple of places. It could be smoothed out by omitting or changing a couple of words. I also think that if it were my poem I would change line 5 to say "How dare you bring upon me" using bring in place of brought. I might just try and rewrite line 8 entirely as it seems like a mouthful to me. Perhaps try something like "I'll have my satisfaction". I don't know.
Where are you keeper of my heart?
You dare commit such stealing?
Without it, I can't make fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you bring upon me,
Such a crippling soul of passion?
You should not be out walking free,
I'll have my satisfaction!
Stealing love's, your greatest crime.
Tortured and robbed of my prime.
Something like that. Like I said before, I don't know very much about meter. I just read it out loud and try to get a feel for the rhythm of the words. In regards to meter there seem to be some knowledgeable people here that could help you out. There are also quite a few instructive posts as well. I need to get into those for sure. Keep on writing! Cheers!
The overall poem and rhyme schemed worked very well. When it comes to the stressed and unstressed syllables I think some things got a little lost at the end. The reading of it is smooth, but if I sit there and try to count the beats it gets a little difficult to keep it. I like the picture it paints though and the feeling I get from when I read it.
When I read this poem I quite enjoyed the words you used for your rhyming scheme and I felt the poem had a some-what decent flow, however, some words disorientated me and threw me off.
Suggested edits:
Where are you the keeper of my heart? < here I would change the word "the" to "oh", it seems to make the line sound better to me.
How dare you commit such stealing. < I do not like the way this line is phrased, it just doesn't seem right.
Without it, I can't do fine art,
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me < "brought" doesn't sound right. Perhaps change that word to "bring".
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free.
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.
Torture me, and rob me of my prime. < A suggested line edit, "You tortured me, robbed me of my prime."
Overall I enjoyed your poem and I look forward to seeing your future edits. Good luck!
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Joined: May 2016
Hi skylande
Where are you the keeper of my heart? (It seems like you have found them)
How dare you commit such stealing. ( I don't like this line as much I think its the "such stealing" part or maybe the "commit")
Without it, I can't do fine art,"
Or attend to things with feeling.
How dare you brought upon me (this one too. Should it be dare you bring upon me?"
Such crippling soul of passion.
How dare you expect to be free. (this line speaks to me in a way I like)
Capturing you shall be my first action
Stealing love is your greatest crime.(to me, this line contradicts the previous one. Are you the thief or are they?
Torture me, and rob me of my prime.
Just my 2 cents. Thank you for the read brother
