Fireworks

[Tiger the Lion]

Fireworks

a whistling hiss
then...

                                 pop
                          pop        pop
                  pop         pop          pop             
                         pop         pop
                                 pop

[ellajam]

This really works.

[Julius]

A large part of why it works is doubtless the spacing of the "pop"s. I see the exploding stars quite clearly

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks guys. I hate bumping a thread artificially, but I hate not acknowledging readers more. Oftentimes, 2 is 2 more than a piece deserves! Most of my posts here are experimental. And why not? I get to see what works and what doesn't. And more importantly - WHY?
This is not how I generally write. I consider it fluff, even when done well. Hence it goes in the "fun" thread. My larger concern is the possibility of injecting these little bits of fluff into longer, more serious work. Readers are fickle and comic relief is an unreliable compass. But it is a compass.
Paul

[Magpie]

Hi Paul,

I really like this as it is and I really like it as an experiment. Julius is spot on about the placement of the pop's.
A couple of small nits, and only because you yourself have stated that it's experimental. The use of onomatopoeia is what really sets this up and because of that I kind of think the 'then...' line is not needed. I don't think it spoils it, I just think if there was a way to make it all onomatopoeia it would be more pure. There is a pause and it's how to indicate that slight pause. The other nit is probably me being a bit too pedantic but the title is plural but the poem has just one firework, obviously 'firework' won't make a good title but the name of a firework may... Then again it may be me overthinking it and getting muddled in my head.

Finally, this is just a crazy thought but... I've always thought that one day I would be able to use a GIF (an animated picture) for a poem that would utilise the animation aspect and tie in with the words effectively. The right poem has not occurred yet for me because I didn't want to use it for the sake of it. Your poem however has that possibility. To cut a long story short... I thought it would be easier to make a rough version of what was possible than take about ten pages trying to explain it, so here it is.



With the emphasis being on rough... If I had spent more time I would make sure the pops looked more realistic, but for the moment this was what I managed. I think it has possibilities. 

Just some thoughts,

Mark

[ellajam]

^^^^^

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Paul,

I really like this as it is and I really like it as an experiment. Julius is spot on about the placement of the pop's.
A couple of small nits, and only because you yourself have stated that it's experimental. The use of onomatopoeia is what really sets this up and because of that I kind of think the 'then...' line is not needed. I don't think it spoils it, I just think if there was a way to make it all onomatopoeia it would be more pure. There is a pause and it's how to indicate that slight pause. The other nit is probably me being a bit too pedantic but the title is plural but the poem has just one firework, obviously 'firework' won't make a good title but the name of a firework may... Then again it may be me overthinking it and getting muddled in my head.

Finally, this is just a crazy thought but... I've always thought that one day I would be able to use a GIF (an animated picture) for a poem that would utilise the animation aspect and tie in with the words effectively. The right poem has not occurred yet for me because I didn't want to use it for the sake of it. Your poem however has that possibility. To cut a long story short... I thought it would be easier to make a rough version of what was possible than take about ten pages trying to explain it, so here it is.



With the emphasis being on rough... If I had spent more time I would make sure the pops looked more realistic, but for the moment this was what I managed. I think it has possibilities. 

Just some thoughts,

Mark

Thanks Mark. This is great. I'm naming it animahaiga!