Samsara

[milo]

edit #2

Samsara

So follow the call of crows to the river Ganges -
and find the bodies mounded in a swamp
that paint the scent of death across the ranges.

The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye the wick, and there you set your lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as life's last camp
that paints the scent of death across the ranges.

There, dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their snarling breath is damp.
They followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't seek rebirth - more scourge or binges
They didn't seek out life’s parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death. Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of human trash that mountains into dumps.
So follow the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

Edit #1

Samsara

We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges -
100 bodies - more - a fetid swamp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye, the wick, and there we set our lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as life's last camp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their snarling breath is damp
they followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't seek rebirth - more scourge or binges
They didn't want the life parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death.  Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of human trash that mountains into dumps.
We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.


Original

Samsara

We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges -
100 bodies - more - a fetid swamp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye, the wick, and there we set our lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as death's camp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their breath is damp
they followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't want the rebirth of scourge or binges
didn't want the life parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death.  Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of humans and trash that mountain into dumps
we followed the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

http://www.newsweek.com/2015/10/02/gange...75347.html

[ellajam]

Thanks for posting this, much enjoyed.

[Achebe]

Samsara

We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges -
100 bodies - more - a fetid swamp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges. ....hyperbole much? the himalayan range is a few hundred kilometres away from the Ganges (I am assuming you are talking about the river downstream of where it enters the plains)
The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye, the wick, and there we set our lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as death's camp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their breath is damp
they followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't want the rebirth of scourge or binges
didn't want the life parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death.  Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of humans and trash that mountain into dumps
we followed the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

[milo]

Samsara

We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges -
100 bodies - more - a fetid swamp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges. ....hyperbole much? the himalayan range is a few hundred kilometres away from the Ganges (I am assuming you are talking about the river downstream of where it enters the plains)
The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye, the wick, and there we set our lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as death's camp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their breath is damp
they followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't want the rebirth of scourge or binges
didn't want the life parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death.  Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of humans and trash that mountain into dumps
we followed the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

well, obviously it is not working, but it doesn't say "The Himalayas" which is the mountain range. Thanks for reading and commenting

---

Thanks for posting this, much enjoyed.

Thanks, ella. I am feeling twinges every time I read "stench of death", what do you think?

---

added a link to the article that inspired it

[ellajam]

Although the stench of death is a cliche it certainly does its job. If you can think of something else that sets the scene as well I guess it would be an improvement, it was effective enough to not bother me.

[milo]

Although the stench of death is a cliche it certainly does its job. If you can think of something else that sets the scene as well I guess it would be an improvement, it was effective enough to not bother me.

good that it doesn't bother you - I considered a couple other things but nothing so far that doesnt sound ridiculous.

[ellajam]

Although the stench of death is a cliche it certainly does its job. If you can think of something else that sets the scene as well I guess it would be an improvement, it was effective enough to not bother me.

good that it doesn't bother you - I considered a couple other things but nothing so far that doesnt sound ridiculous.

I use cliches in speech all the time, we call them expressions, so they don't rub me the wrong way as quickly as they seem to bother some people. For me, sometimes a poem has too many new ways of saying something and unless it's brilliant it just smells of trying too hard.

[Magpie]

 I am feeling twinges every time I read "stench of death"

Isn't that a good thing? The 'stench of death' would give me twinges also.
I never saw it as cliche when I read it through the first time and even after reading your concerns I still don't have a problem with it. Cliches usually leap out, but not this.

It's a good read, I enjoyed it very much. I particularly liked the unexpectedness of the 'Mange is' rhyme, so unexpected that I missed it but it was worth doubling back to get it second time.

I keep on wanting to read 'the call of the crows' as 'the caw of the crows'. I would kind of offer it as a suggestion but I'm sure it's technically wrong as it would be 'the caws of the crows' which doesn't sound right at all. 'the call of the crows' covers both.

Thanks for the read and the linked article,
Mark

[milo]

 I am feeling twinges every time I read "stench of death"

Isn't that a good thing? The 'stench of death' would give me twinges also.
I never saw it as cliche when I read it through the first time and even after reading your concerns I still don't have a problem with it. Cliches usually leap out, but not this.

It's a good read, I enjoyed it very much. I particularly liked the unexpectedness of the 'Mange is' rhyme, so unexpected that I missed it but it was worth doubling back to get it second time.

I keep on wanting to read 'the call of the crows' as 'the caw of the crows'. I would kind of offer it as a suggestion but I'm sure it's technically wrong as it would be 'the caws of the crows' which doesn't sound right at all. 'the call of the crows' covers both.

Thanks for the read and the linked article,
Mark

Thank you for your comments, Mark.

The reason I stuck with "stench" instead of moving to the less "journalize"  "scent" or "smell" was for the consonance with the end rhymes (ange).  To hear you say it did not bother you is good.

I like your suggestion of "caw" as it is far more imagistic than "call".  The reason I probably won't change isn't because it isn't a great suggestion (it is) but rather because I was hoping "call" would do double duty as pointing to my central metaphor while "caw" is more literal but I am going to stew over it for a bit.

Once again, thanks for reading and getting me thinking.

[Weeded]

Milo,
The title with the added article definitely made it alot easier to understand this piece, I kind of liked the mystery that surrounded it before though, but maybe I was just so surprised by the content on the first read. Ever since that "holey, holey, holey" line of yours I'm always on my toes with your pieces, that said I didnt even read "stench of death" as a cliche until you mentioned it in the comments. I guess it could be(I've certainly heard stench/death before)? It still reads great to me. Thanks for sharing,
mike

[milo]

Milo,
The title with the added article definitely made it alot easier to understand this piece, I kind of liked the mystery that surrounded it before though, but maybe I was just so surprised by the content on the first read. Ever since that "holey, holey, holey" line of yours I'm always on my toes with your pieces, that said I didnt even read "stench of death" as a cliche until you mentioned it in the comments. I guess it could be(I've certainly heard stench/death before)? It still reads great to me. Thanks for sharing,
mike

yah, I personally believe that a poem should stand on its own and was quite hesitant to add the link to the article but the article itself was so good I ended up adding it anyway.  I had wanted to write a poem about the river Ganges because i liked the sound of the word but knew nothing about it so I googled and that was the first article that came up.

I am glad everything seems to work for you and, yah, I have a reputation for writing a lot of puns.  Thanks for reading and commenting.

[Leanne]

I guess I must be too old-fashioned: I can handle the near-rhymes but the meter is so inconsistent that since you've abandoned two of the most significant precepts of the villanelle, I wonder why you've bothered to use the form at all. The second lines of both S3 and S4 in particular stand out like mangy dog's balls. L2 of S6 isn't great either. Are you sure you didn't just translate this straight from Hindi?

[milo]

I guess I must be too old-fashioned: I can handle the near-rhymes but the meter is so inconsistent that since you've abandoned two of the most significant precepts of the villanelle, I wonder why you've bothered to use the form at all.  The second lines of both S3 and S4 in particular stand out like mangy dog's balls. L2 of S6 isn't great either.  Are you sure you didn't just translate this straight from Hindi?

Well, the anapaests were inspired by the Plath poem I posted on the same day that inspired it (as were the off-rhymes actually) but that is no excuse for the 4 foot line. I was wondering if it would bother anyone or even be noticeable. I will add a metrically corrected version later.

Thanks for the feedback.

[Leanne]

The anapaests are nice when there are enough of them. There, positive feedback

[milo]

I prefer honesty to positivity any day of the week.
Posted a more metrically correct version with no significant changes. The only aberration remaining is the double anapaests in the "A" refrain. While the solution is obvious (we followed the calls of crows to River Ganges) it was so ugly I couldn't bring myself to do it.

[Leanne]

The A refrain works because those are such weak little stresses Call it accentual and Dale will love you forever.

[milo]

The A refrain works because those are such weak little stresses  Call it accentual and Dale will love you forever.

[REW]

More metrically correct version

Samsara

We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges -
100 bodies - more - a fetid swamp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.  (there are quite a few useless words here that, the, of, the)

The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye, the wick, and there we set our lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as life's last camp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their snarling breath is damp
they followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't seek rebirth - more scourge or binges
They didn't want the life parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death.  Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of human trash that mountains into dumps.
We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.


Original

Samsara

We followed the call of crows to the river Ganges -
100 bodies - more - a fetid swamp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The himalaya cycle never changes.
God's eye, the wick, and there we set our lamp
and followed the call of crows. The river Ganges -

the source of life and on that source life hinges -
and sets those greedy banks as death's camp
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

The dogs compete amidst the plenty. Mange is
wild in thin fur, their breath is damp
they followed the call of crows to the river Ganges.

They didn't want the rebirth of scourge or binges
didn't want the life parade and stamp
that paints the stench of death.  Across the ranges

of jewels and silks and opulence and dinges
of humans and trash that mountain into dumps
we followed the call of crows to the river Ganges
that paints the stench of death across the ranges.

http://www.newsweek.com/2015/10/02/gange...75347.html

Hi,

I enjoyed your poem and how the rhyme scheme reinforced the horror.  The stench of death did not bother me as a cliché.  I noticed that was mentioned in your comment as a potential concern.  I did notice a loose structure as in the words are not tight, there are many small extra words but I realize they sit for meter.  Forgive me for not realizing what specific form this is.  You could potentially tighten things up by saying things like life cycle instead of cycle of life or death stench instead of stench of death.  I am not sure what that would do to your form or meter.  I am only offering that as an attempt at feedback.

As for how to describe the stench of death in a different way...hmmm...I cannot think of anything that works better.

[Achebe]

a few more minor points:

1) 'Samsara' should have a dot under the 'm', otherwise it is spelt more correctly as 'Sansara'
2) 'fetid swamp' is both a cliche and a bit of a stretch, since the flow of the river, even in the dry months, is too large for water to stagnate. 'Fetid water' maybe

[milo]

a few more minor points:

1) 'Samsara' should have a dot under the 'm', otherwise it is spelt more correctly as 'Sansara'
2) 'fetid swamp' is both a cliche and a bit of a stretch, since the flow of the river, even in the dry months, is too large for water to stagnate. 'Fetid water' maybe

Great callouts and thanks for the additional comments.  I believe to be correct, samsara also need a line over the second a as well (Saṃsāra).

The picture in the original news article was of the area the bodies were pulled and it is a very low area of the river that is indeed very swamp like.

---

[quote='milo' pid='205348' dateline='1456075509']
More metrically correct version


Hi,

I enjoyed your poem and how the rhyme scheme reinforced the horror.  The stench of death did not bother me as a cliché.  I noticed that was mentioned in your comment as a potential concern.  I did notice a loose structure as in the words are not tight, there are many small extra words but I realize they sit for meter.  Forgive me for not realizing what specific form this is.  You could potentially tighten things up by saying things like life cycle instead of cycle of life or death stench instead of stench of death.  I am not sure what that would do to your form or meter.  I am only offering that as an attempt at feedback.

As for how to describe the stench of death in a different way...hmmm...I cannot think of anything that works better.

This is a villanelle

if you haven't tried one yet, I suggest it, they are a lot of fun.  I don't know that the post-modern practice of stripping the natural parts of speech out of poetry in hopes of compression (articles and conjunctions mostly) ever made it from free verse to formal verse but even if it had, I doubt I would employ the technique, not because it isn't valid but because I find it makes for stilted sounding verse.

I think there is a subtle difference between the scent of death and death's scent but I could be mistaken (I am hoping to never use the expression cycle of life in a poem but we will see)

Thank you for taking time to read and comment.  I hope to have a revision soon and you have helped immensely.

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second edit posted