Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
edit 1.0
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot;
about then was when we started reminiscing...not easy when you can't recall.
Mostly I forget about me , I guess because I never saw myself back then;
that’s why I value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him, white as milk. He had a bad cut right in his gut....bleeding bad.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed himself.
Yeah. We all remembered that... except Johnny. Or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…nobody argues anymore.
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all saw that. It was in his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
what was it…just old age? How the hell does that kill a man? I mean, we’re all old.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I think that I’m looking a little brown around the edges and I get angry;
inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Dan sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me.
tectak 2017
original
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me.
tectak 2017
Posts: 2,359
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Hi Tom,
There's a lot of this that I quite like. I'll provide some comments and suggestions below.
(05-17-2017, 10:46 PM)tectak Wrote: When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.--effective first line and good grounding thought. It sets an expectation on the speaker's life experience and provides context. It also provides the interesting thought that once these people could focus on themselves they actually matured, which is something they couldn't do when they were obsessively broadcasting what their kids were doing.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.--There's some flab in this line. It's conversational but has some filler in it. I think all that's necessary here is "we started reminiscing instead" You want to provide the contrast to the first line but the Thing is is filler. The last phrase feels a bit disjointed in its meaning (I guess I'd respond to it by asking when are we ever sure of anything either as parents or individuals?).
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;--second use of things. I think you could cut "your own things" and the line would be much improved. With that cut this is a very interesting idea.
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.--Nice thematic setup for your conclusion.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.--I understand the desire to be conversational but I'd still avoid the "clear as day" cliche even when its deliberate and ironic--meaning that while you can sell it, it still draws too much attention to itself.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?--I like the question causing the doubt to exist in the middle of what WE ALL REMEMBERED. It's a nice touch the impermanence of memory.
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?--I would be inclined to cut the who's arguing. I would also possibly consider playing with the syntax a little to end the line on think (but yep it was Bob I think). Just because the end word plays to the theme. I think if you are going to add that Bob died last year in the next line you may want to haltingly remmeber. Perhaps above: Bob died, not then. Then below answer the question so that it isn't just a simple repetition.
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.--maybe "in his face"
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…--I think you caould cut "His face changed and"
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,--This is a brilliant extended metaphor
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…--Love the edges turned brown anyways. I don't think you need the "He died last year" repetition again.
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.--You don't need this additional they said it was. You're trying to mimic the best of speech not all the pops and halting steps. I'd be tempted to break the above line on the question. I know we have different aesthetics on that--so, jus ta thought.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.--Introducing Dan seems unnecessary condense to the narrator making the observation about neighborliness and anger.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.--Don't like the second phrase here (filler). You may not even need the line.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.--I think you're drawing the parallel too closely here. You may want to mention edges but not brown I mean the point is how could the narrator tell anyway--I'd be tempted to start this section with I get angry and riff from there (I get angry. Inside, I mean...)
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?--Don't like anything after fine on this line.
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.--key line, thematic. Good observation.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.--I would consider moving this line to follow the one that ends with roots below.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.--Not a fan of "the death signs are there" possible cut
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me. --Like the ending. You carry off the theme well.
tectak 2017
Just some opinions. I hope some of them are helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-18-2017, 02:24 AM)Todd Wrote: Hi Tom,
There's a lot of this that I quite like. I'll provide some comments and suggestions below.
(05-17-2017, 10:46 PM)tectak Wrote: When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.--effective first line and good grounding thought. It sets an expectation on the speaker's life experience and provides context. It also provides the interesting thought that once these people could focus on themselves they actually matured, which is something they couldn't do when they were obsessively broadcasting what their kids were doing.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.--There's some flab in this line. It's conversational but has some filler in it. I think all that's necessary here is "we started reminiscing instead" You want to provide the contrast to the first line but the Thing is is filler. The last phrase feels a bit disjointed in its meaning (I guess I'd respond to it by asking when are we ever sure of anything either as parents or individuals?).
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;--second use of things. I think you could cut "your own things" and the line would be much improved. With that cut this is a very interesting idea.
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.--Nice thematic setup for your conclusion.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.--I understand the desire to be conversational but I'd still avoid the "clear as day" cliche even when its deliberate and ironic--meaning that while you can sell it, it still draws too much attention to itself.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?--I like the question causing the doubt to exist in the middle of what WE ALL REMEMBERED. It's a nice touch the impermanence of memory.
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?--I would be inclined to cut the who's arguing. I would also possibly consider playing with the syntax a little to end the line on think (but yep it was Bob I think). Just because the end word plays to the theme. I think if you are going to add that Bob died last year in the next line you may want to haltingly remmeber. Perhaps above: Bob died, not then. Then below answer the question so that it isn't just a simple repetition.
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.--maybe "in his face"
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…--I think you caould cut "His face changed and"
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,--This is a brilliant extended metaphor
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…--Love the edges turned brown anyways. I don't think you need the "He died last year" repetition again.
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.--You don't need this additional they said it was. You're trying to mimic the best of speech not all the pops and halting steps. I'd be tempted to break the above line on the question. I know we have different aesthetics on that--so, jus ta thought.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.--Introducing Dan seems unnecessary condense to the narrator making the observation about neighborliness and anger.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.--Don't like the second phrase here (filler). You may not even need the line.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.--I think you're drawing the parallel too closely here. You may want to mention edges but not brown I mean the point is how could the narrator tell anyway--I'd be tempted to start this section with I get angry and riff from there (I get angry. Inside, I mean...)
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?--Don't like anything after fine on this line.
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.--key line, thematic. Good observation.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.--I would consider moving this line to follow the one that ends with roots below.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.--Not a fan of "the death signs are there" possible cut
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me. --Like the ending. You carry off the theme well.
tectak 2017
Just some opinions. I hope some of them are helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
Many thanks todd. I've been on this one for a year. It got stale in the writing. You gave it air. Credited.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey tectak,
This is a pretty strong poem, so it's hard to find a whole lot to critique. However, I will give it a try:
(05-17-2017, 10:46 PM)tectak Wrote: edit 1.0
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot; -This is a strong first line. It caught my attention as the reader, and made me want to see what this poem was all about.
about then was when we started reminiscing...not easy when you can't recall. -I like the second half of this line. It has a double purpose; it's it sets up the poem's premise, but also alludes the to the fact that the speaker is elderly.
Mostly I forget about me , I guess because I never saw myself self back then;
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof… -This is just for my own curiosity, but what does it say about the speaker's friendship with Johnny/Bob when this is what they remember about them the most?
I can see him white as milk. He had a bad cut right in his gut.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed himself.
Yeah. We all remembered that... except Johnny. Or was it Bob? -The fact that Bob didn't remember the fall made me think he was drunk. Am I right?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…nobody argues anymore. -I feel like the focus of the poem changes here from friends being the only ones who know someone's true self to time/death. Was this shift intentional?
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all saw that. It was in his face. -This is such a sad line. We often see death approaching through someone's face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot -This plant metaphor is just wonderful. You use it well throughout the poem.
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough… -Again, when it says "he drank enough", this made me think he was drinking alcohol for some reason.
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
what was it…just old age? How the hell does that kill a man? I mean, we’re all old. -I love how old age sounds like a condition/disease. I feel like this idea deserves its own poem.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot. -Again, Bob's anger issues and the other stuff I've mention creates the impression on me that he was an alcoholic. Am I right?
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days. -This is such a depressing line. I love it.
Sometimes I think that I’m looking a little brown around the edges and I get angry;
inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop. -I love how he is getting angry about aging, but that is just making him age worse.
We tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere? -I like how they try to change the subject away from death. It is such a human thing to do.
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it. -I love how how the speaker can accept the passage of time (Autumn), but is surprised at aging. Again, this is such a human thing to do.
When Dan sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree… -It is really impressive how much mileage you got out of the plant imagery/metaphor in this poem. Nice job 
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots. -What are the death signs? I feel like this could be explored more.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me. -I find this ending very sad. The speaker is so ignorant about himself, that he needs his friends to confirm that he is old and dying. My question is were you trying to express the message of how important one's friends are in their life, or were you sending a message about how shallow people can be when it comes to seeing them-selves for what they truly are?
tectak 2017
original
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me.
tectak 2017 Overall, this is a wonderful poem, and I enjoyed having the opportunity to critique it.
Cheers,
Richard
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(05-18-2017, 05:31 PM)tectak Wrote: (05-18-2017, 02:24 AM)Todd Wrote: Hi Tom,
There's a lot of this that I quite like. I'll provide some comments and suggestions below.
(05-17-2017, 10:46 PM)tectak Wrote: When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.--effective first line and good grounding thought. It sets an expectation on the speaker's life experience and provides context. It also provides the interesting thought that once these people could focus on themselves they actually matured, which is something they couldn't do when they were obsessively broadcasting what their kids were doing.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.--There's some flab in this line. It's conversational but has some filler in it. I think all that's necessary here is "we started reminiscing instead" You want to provide the contrast to the first line but the Thing is is filler. The last phrase feels a bit disjointed in its meaning (I guess I'd respond to it by asking when are we ever sure of anything either as parents or individuals?).
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;--second use of things. I think you could cut "your own things" and the line would be much improved. With that cut this is a very interesting idea.
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.--Nice thematic setup for your conclusion.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.--I understand the desire to be conversational but I'd still avoid the "clear as day" cliche even when its deliberate and ironic--meaning that while you can sell it, it still draws too much attention to itself.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?--I like the question causing the doubt to exist in the middle of what WE ALL REMEMBERED. It's a nice touch the impermanence of memory.
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?--I would be inclined to cut the who's arguing. I would also possibly consider playing with the syntax a little to end the line on think (but yep it was Bob I think). Just because the end word plays to the theme. I think if you are going to add that Bob died last year in the next line you may want to haltingly remmeber. Perhaps above: Bob died, not then. Then below answer the question so that it isn't just a simple repetition.
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.--maybe "in his face"
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…--I think you caould cut "His face changed and"
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,--This is a brilliant extended metaphor
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…--Love the edges turned brown anyways. I don't think you need the "He died last year" repetition again.
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.--You don't need this additional they said it was. You're trying to mimic the best of speech not all the pops and halting steps. I'd be tempted to break the above line on the question. I know we have different aesthetics on that--so, jus ta thought.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.--Introducing Dan seems unnecessary condense to the narrator making the observation about neighborliness and anger.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.--Don't like the second phrase here (filler). You may not even need the line.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.--I think you're drawing the parallel too closely here. You may want to mention edges but not brown I mean the point is how could the narrator tell anyway--I'd be tempted to start this section with I get angry and riff from there (I get angry. Inside, I mean...)
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?--Don't like anything after fine on this line.
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.--key line, thematic. Good observation.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.--I would consider moving this line to follow the one that ends with roots below.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.--Not a fan of "the death signs are there" possible cut
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me. --Like the ending. You carry off the theme well.
tectak 2017
Just some opinions. I hope some of them are helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
Many thanks todd. I've been on this one for a year. It got stale in the writing. You gave it air. Credited.
Best,
tectak
(05-22-2017, 08:28 AM)Richard Wrote: Hey tectak,
This is a pretty strong poem, so it's hard to find a whole lot to critique. However, I will give it a try:
(05-17-2017, 10:46 PM)tectak Wrote: edit 1.0
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot; -This is a strong first line. It caught my attention as the reader, and made me want to see what this poem was all about.
about then was when we started reminiscing...not easy when you can't recall. -I like the second half of this line. It has a double purpose; it's it sets up the poem's premise, but also alludes the to the fact that the speaker is elderly.
Mostly I forget about me , I guess because I never saw myself self back then;
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof… -This is just for my own curiosity, but what does it say about the speaker's friendship with Johnny/Bob when this is what they remember about them the most?
I can see him white as milk. He had a bad cut right in his gut.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed himself.
Yeah. We all remembered that... except Johnny. Or was it Bob? -The fact that Bob didn't remember the fall made me think he was drunk. Am I right?Hi richard. Here I was indicating the uncertainty of recall. The event may have not involved Johnny OR Bob.
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…nobody argues anymore. -I feel like the focus of the poem changes here from friends being the only ones who know someone's true self to time/death. Was this shift intentional?Again, perhaps I have overcooked this...it is purely thematic. Old age does cut down the arguing about the veracity of the past. No one is confident enough or even bothered enough...yeh, if you say so...
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all saw that. It was in his face. -This is such a sad line. We often see death approaching through someone's face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot -This plant metaphor is just wonderful. You use it well throughout the poem.
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough… -Again, when it says "he drank enough", this made me think he was drinking alcohol for some reason.It was a jocular comment meaning that they all drank together over many years
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
what was it…just old age? How the hell does that kill a man? I mean, we’re all old. -I love how old age sounds like a condition/disease. I feel like this idea deserves its own poem.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot. -Again, Bob's anger issues and the other stuff I've mention creates the impression on me that he was an alcoholic. Am I right? Who knows. It's just a poem
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days. -This is such a depressing line. I love it.
Sometimes I think that I’m looking a little brown around the edges and I get angry;
inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop. -I love how he is getting angry about aging, but that is just making him age worse.
We tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere? -I like how they try to change the subject away from death. It is such a human thing to do.
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it. -I love how how the speaker can accept the passage of time (Autumn), but is surprised at aging. Again, this is such a human thing to do.
When Dan sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree… -It is really impressive how much mileage you got out of the plant imagery/metaphor in this poem. Nice job
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots. -What are the death signs? I feel like this could be explored more.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me. -I find this ending very sad. The speaker is so ignorant about himself, that he needs his friends to confirm that he is old and dying. My question is were you trying to express the message of how important one's friends are in their life, or were you sending a message about how shallow people can be when it comes to seeing them-selves for what they truly are? Thanks richard, for the analysis. I don't do deep so you are as correct as anyone. This is purely observational and simply tells a common tale. The take is, though, that a whole load of our data is stored on the disc drives in our friends heads. The sum of our memory must include such data. As our friends die, we lose the data they stored for us, about us, in their heads...as we do, for them. In the end, it's all RAM. Is there any error or unnecessary confusion in the piece caused by grammar or phrasing that you could advise on?
tectak 2017
original
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me.
tectak 2017 Overall, this is a wonderful poem, and I enjoyed having the opportunity to critique it.
Cheers,
Richard
Hi Tom, here's my two cents.
(05-17-2017, 10:46 PM)tectak Wrote: edit 1.0
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot; I like this as an opening line. I'm not sure about the semi colon though, not necessary?
about then was when we started reminiscing...not easy when you can't recall.
Mostly I forget about me , I guess because I never saw myself back then;
that’s why I value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him, white as milk. He had a bad cut right in his gut....bleeding bad.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed himself.
Yeah. We all remembered that... except Johnny. Or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…nobody argues anymore.
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all saw that. It was in his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes… "Laughed too late at jokes" is a great line and says a lot.
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot I feel there's no need to expand on it in the subsequent line.
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
what was it…just old age? How the hell does that kill a man? I mean, we’re all old.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I think that I’m looking a little brown around the edges and I get angry;
inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me. I'm not too crazy about the semi colon use, again I feel it's unnecessary.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Dan sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me. An interesting closing line, I like it.
tectak 2017
original
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me.
tectak 2017 your feedback has been allowed but please remember in this forum we need much more than "An interesting closing line, I like it." [and lines that don't really give the poet food for thought] when you pose a statement, we hope for the reason why/ mod
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
It's entertaining, but much too conversational..rambling
I thought a lot of the words added no value. Crossed out below. Upsets the 'flow' in a few places, but can be addressed by rephrasing.
(05-17-2017, 10:46 PM)tectak Wrote: edit 1.0
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot;
about then was when we started reminiscing...not easy when you can't recall. .. too conversational
Mostly I forget about me , I guess because I never saw myself back then; .... the 'more about you' line next up makes the extra explanation redundant
that’s why I value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof
I can see him, white as milk. He had a bad cut right in his gut....bleeding bad. ... 'white as milk' is nice. don't need 2x 'bad's
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed himself.
Yeah. We all remembered that... except Johnny. Or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…nobody argues anymore.
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all saw that. It was in his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
what was it…just old age? How the hell does that kill a man? I mean, we’re all old.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour .. too conversational
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I think that I’m looking a little brown around the edges and I get angry;
inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Dan sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do ...
...about me.
tectak 2017
original
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me.
tectak 2017
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(06-05-2017, 09:25 PM)Achebe Wrote: It's entertaining, but much too conversational..rambling
I thought a lot of the words added no value. Crossed out below. Upsets the 'flow' in a few places, but can be addressed by rephrasing.
(05-17-2017, 10:46 PM)tectak Wrote: edit 1.0
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot;
about then was when we started reminiscing...not easy when you can't recall. .. too conversational
Mostly I forget about me , I guess because I never saw myself back then; .... the 'more about you' line next up makes the extra explanation redundant
that’s why I value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof
I can see him, white as milk. He had a bad cut right in his gut....bleeding bad. ... 'white as milk' is nice. don't need 2x 'bad's
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed himself.
Yeah. We all remembered that... except Johnny. Or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…nobody argues anymore.
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all saw that. It was in his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
what was it…just old age? How the hell does that kill a man? I mean, we’re all old.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour .. too conversational
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I think that I’m looking a little brown around the edges and I get angry;
inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Dan sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do ...
...about me.
tectak 2017
original
When we stopped talking about our kids we grew up a whole lot.
Thing is, we started reminiscing instead…it was easier when you weren’t sure.
You forget your own things, mostly because you never see yourself in your past;
that’s when you value old friends. They remember more about you than you do.
‘Course, it’s a two-way thing… like when Johnny fell off the bowling alley roof…
I can see him as clear as day. He had a bad cut right in his gut.
Circular. Landed on a piece of pipe. Fell twenty feet. Could have killed him
Yeah. We all remembered that... but whoa, was it Johnny or was it Bob?
Bob died last year…but yep, I think it was Bob…who’s arguing?
Yeah…Bob died last year. He had it coming, we all said that. It was his face.
His face changed and we all knew. Kind of sad-eyed, laughed too late at jokes…
only a second or so, but it was a sign. You know, like a plant in a pot
when it’s losing strength and you don’t know why. You can feed it, give it water,
you can talk to it…hell, we talked to Bob and made sure he drank enough…
but the edges just turned brown anyways. He died last year. They said it was…
they said it was…just old age. How does that kill a man? I mean, we’re old , too.
I asked Dan if he knew any more than we did. Dan said he'd been a good neighbour
but he'd gotten angry a lot of the time, Bob that is. Yep…he was angry a lot.
We’re talking about anger and age and memory…it’s what we do these days.
Sometimes I feel that I’m getting a little brown around the edges…I get angry.
Inside, I mean…you get angry inside and that’s what makes your leaves droop.
We all tell each other we’re fine, yep…I’m good…how about you? Been anywhere?
I can see it, though; and if I can see it in them they sure as hell can see it in me.
It’s not the same as a tree, you know, in Autumn, when you expect it.
When Harry sits down at my table and sighs, I look at him and he is no tree…
the death signs are there…like a plant that’s been poisoned at the roots.
I don’t know if I will be next. I can ask a friend for an opinion. They know more than I do
...about me.
tectak 2017 Hi Achebe,
thanks for giving me an alternative read. It is, of course, conversational. It is positively meant to be. If I could have made it moreso I would have done...but...and it is always a big BUT...conversational pieces are always peppered with spaces that together make one of two things occur. It either turns in to a hole or a whole. I think you think hole and I think whole...that's poetry, I guess.
Nonetheless, I eat all crit and I feel that if you feel that there is surplus in this, I will start pruning. I warn myself often when the shears come out... sometimes it is just one slip and you cut off a bit that might have born fruit.
This piece has had many changes already but I cannot deny that you have a point. Expect an edit before I die.
Best,
tectak
|
