Chrysalis

[vishaksagar]

I eat myself bit by bit
Leaving nothing but a shell
Deeper as I sink
Into the depths of hell
Voices surround me everywhere
Voices of pain and misery
Enough No more
I can't take it anymore
Leave me alone I scream
And no one heard me

[Erthona]

Verb tense fluctuates. The poem resembles the title not at all. A butterfly breaks free of the shell, leaving it empty, it does not eat itself.

"Deeper as I sink
Into the depths of hell"

This is a total abstraction. From where did the speaker start to sink to "hell". There is also no clue if this is literal or figurative. The next two lines are also complete abstractions, telling the reader nothing.

"And no one "hears" me."

On starting each line capped (see below)* Grammar and punctuation have been hammered out over centuries in order to make writing clearer, one must have an incredible rationale (which is not in evidence here)to abandon them. "To make it "look" more poetic" is not a sufficient rationale.

Best,

dale


*typesetting
As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension.