The mare

[cidermaid]

The straw on the dirt floor
arrested her fall,
as she knuckled to her knees,
then flank flopped
into her deep littered plot.

A thin veil of dust covered her coat
and sweat drops broke
in line astern, moving down her throat,
before leaping
from the rugged cliffs of her jaw.

She half lay, semi-supported by bales,
accepting our comfort strokes,
until the deception of human affection
was broken; she gave one last desperate call,
head lifted, searching the wind.

Broken in her defeat;
reaching with nose and limbs,
she started to run, wildly thrashing
her feet through the golden stalks.
Beyond her stall the herd walked on.

The previous day they had grazed,
as a family group,
under the boughs of the apple groves.
Moseying down each row.
At noon
they drank from the brook
and then again around four;
as per their habit, the herd
came in from their orchard tours
to drink from the home field trough,
but instead she partook from a trailer,
an old one, with peeling red lead paint.

Twelve hours later we noted
the herd had her left behind.
Head down, dull coated and blind
reeling on nerve numbed limbs
she followed us into the barn.

Later that day she galloped away.

[justcloudy]

AJ did you mean to post this in the right forum? Doesn't seem particularly lighthearted to me....

Thanks for the read though, I enjoyed it! I really could see and feel the presence the stables and orchard, and I loved horses when I was a kid but have been severely allergic for ages now, so that's the closest I felt to one in a while! ;p

Had a hard time following the narrative though. On the first read I thought it was a horse giving birth, but now I think maybe she was sick and died? Not sure. But the description and the individual bits are lovely. "Peeling red lead paint" is fantastic too.

[just mercedes]

I had trouble seeing the 'fun' in this too - a good poem though. I liked the way you told the story, made me think of Emily's "Tell all the truth, but tell it slant." I found it very effective - maybe because I used to ride a lot, and have owned, and lost, horses.

[cidermaid]

Hi JC & Mercedes,
Thanks for stopping to read and comment.
You are right about this one not being in the right place...but is it misc either?
I have not written much for a while and was not sure if i was ready for the rigours of workshopping this one as I had written it to get some closure on a bad memory that kept replaying. (The ones that go ...if only I had...)
I nearly didn't post it, but then did so on an impulse...glad i did now...I love spending time on the site.
Anyway thanks again..appreciate your time and kindness.
AJ

[just mercedes]

Hi JC & Mercedes,
Thanks for stopping to read and comment.
You are right about this one not being in the right place...but is it misc either?
I have not written much for a while and was not sure if i was ready for the rigours of workshopping this one as I had written it to get some closure on a bad memory that kept replaying. (The ones that go ...if only I had...)
I nearly didn't post it, but then did so on an impulse...glad i did now...I love spending time on the site.
Anyway thanks again..appreciate your time and kindness.
AJ

Hi AJ - I actually had a strange shiver run up and down my spine. This poem of yours, and Milo's poem of flight, echo two poems I've written, so twice this week I've been deja-vuing, wondering if the world is really just one great organism and we only think we're individuals. Or something.

[Mwaba don]

I didn't exactly see the fun in the poem. But very good use of words.
I poem had nice rhymes. also I thought may the poem was in the wrong category. I did not see how the falling and dusting was fun until the last line. I thought following the surges of the poem through to the end was the fun part.

[ellajam]

Thanks for posting this, AJ, heartbreaking. I appreciated the immediacy of the start with the description of a usual day afterwards, then a return to the tragedy. I was thinking (hoping for) a birth at first but that didn't last long. Well done.

[cidermaid]

Thanks ella. appreciate you stopping by to read.

[Keith]

Hi AJ

This one puts a lump in the readers throat, and is a captivating read, not sure you want too much feedback since in Fun but I have added some thoughts below. 


The straw on the dirt floor
arrested her fall,
as she knuckled to her knees,
then flank flopped
into her deep littered plot. 

Sets the tone perfectly I am already concerned for her well-being. Also enjoyed flank, flopped and plot

A thin veil of dust covered her coat
and sweat drops  broke
in line astern, moving down her throat,
before leaping
from the rugged cliffs of her jaw.

Good use of imagery bringing the readers focus into the detail makes the investment run deeper

She half lay, semi-supported by bales,
accepting our comfort strokes,
until the deception of human affection
was broken; she gave one last desperate call,
head lifted, searching the wind.

Again strong images that make the reader share the affection, my fav stanza because it humanises the situation by adding a clear frame of reference we can all relate to.

Broken in her defeat;
reaching with nose and limbs,
she started to run, wildly thrashing
her feet through the golden stalks.
Beyond her stall the herd walked on.

 S3 "one last desperate" is finalizing her last hours I assume she is running lying down so through golden stalks is confusing, although I can now see that this is straw on the floor, and is an extension of S3

The previous day they had grazed,
as a family group,
under the boughs of the apple groves. keep this line,lovely image of bowed heads grazing
Moseying down each row.  Not sure you need this line seem odd not sure why, it could be moseying, it sounds like it comes from a different time or place
At noon
they drank from the brook
and then again around four;
as per their habit, the herd  as per, sounds a little flippant could be cut
came in from their orchard tours
to drink from the home field trough,
but instead she partook from a trailer,
an old one, with peeling red lead paint. I love the detail in this stanza (last four lines are a must) but its too long, what is the reader taking away ? she drank with the family then drifted away to do her own thing ?

Twelve hours later we noted
the herd had her left behind.
Head down, dull coated and blind
reeling on nerve numbed limbs
she followed us into the barn.

I would finish here, we know what happens in the barn a perfect place to end IMHO and this last stanza is balancing the cold reality of moving on from death and passing on to something or somewhere.  A lovely fitting close.

Later that day she galloped away.  

Sorry if I have overstepped the mark in Fun but this one for me is a keeper. Best Keith

Damn I have just read the other comments  so now I really am sorry for all this, I will leave them in case you feel you could come back to it at some point. 

[cidermaid]

Hi Keith,
Please never apoligise for leaving me any crit - reguardless of which section I have randomly posted things in.   Your comments are always most appreciated and valued.
I think I might well do an edit now with your suggestions considered.
In referance to the moseying line, I was trying to give an image of the relaxed, companionship of the mare herd as they follow thier normal grazing habit.   The rows word does not have to stay that is just the phisical representation of what I see but is not essential to the read although I was going for the sound balance off groves, just a half rhyme.
My phisical picture I was trying to relate was as follows:- we have orchard rows and at certain times of the year, i put the horses in to graze them.   15 horses in the herd so they spread out over about 3 rows and graze in tandom up and down the rows.  Like a lot of grazing animals horses follow a daily grazing pattern. I know where they will be at any time of the day.  It was this sense of family bond and behaviour I was trying to convey, so that the line about the herd leaving her behind is in stark comparision.  I think as usual i am being too anal about the true to life aspect of my read when in truth 90% of my readers could not careless about the aspects of horse behaviour.  So in all probability your comments are spot on.
Now just to decide to cut these lines or try a substitute.  

Any thoughts?
I am playing with just cutting that line and an edit on the per line so that they read:-

At noon
they drank from the brook
and then again around four;
by habit, the herd

But if you had any suggestions as substitue word for moseying i would like to hear them.

Thanks kieth - you're a star as ever.
AJ.
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[Keith]

Hi AJ glad you came back to it, it is well worth it.

Just my thoughts, your poem, your words tweaked a bit

Yesterday they grazed as a family,
under the boughs of the apple groves.
always the same, down each row.
At noon
they drink from the brook
again around four;
then more from the home field trough,
but instead she partook from a trailer,
an old one, with peeling red lead paint.

Hope this helps, nice to read your work again, best Keith

[Keith]

This one got under my skin, just wanted to find it and come back for a read. Its still as strong as I remembered it. Bump

[dwesty]

Sorry for not being a brilliant critic- would just like the author to know that I loved thissun...

[ellajam]

Sorry for not being a brilliant critic- would just like the author to know that I loved thissun...

We don't ask for brilliance, even in the workshops, just specificity and honesty. Welcome to the Pen

And it's always good to read this one again, a beauty.

[cidermaid]

Hi Keith, Ella, Thanks for the encouragement
Sweaty, I appreciate anyone who takes the time and trouble to read and comment on a poem. Thank you for letting me know you enjoyed this one.
(Don't worry you will soon get into how to offer feedback, there r some great people here to help as well)