Dirge

[heslopian]

For my stepmother

"Life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early." - Doug Stanhope

She drank a glass of heady wine,
then left behind the red brick shrine
to her failed motherhood
(or so she probably believed),
walked down the beach, and there she stood,
until such time as she was ready
to take the plunge, stop going steady.

The wine and wait are my fancy,
though we know she strode into the sea
after an eve of drink and drugs.
Perhaps she did a "one two three!"
before she took the final walk,
like a soldier vaulting his mud trench
on the officer's count down.
Nobody saw the woman drown.

I remember one time, long ago,
she thought that I might want to know
her love for me was very strong,
and if this seemed just slightly wrong,
as false as my aunt's "Tudor" house,
neither one of us did grouse.

Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.

[Todd]

Hi Heslopian,

Love your opening quote.

Though I will make more comments than this, in a very real way this could be your poem:

Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.

That right there is condensed power.

I also am fond of:

as false as my aunt's "Tudor" house

It's not that the rest is bad--it isn't. It's simply that the ending is so strong I would like to see that pulled more across the poem. I'm wondering (and I could be a lunatic here) if there are a few lines you could pull out of the broader poem and tack on to the conclusion and make a tight under 10 line poem out of it. Maybe that's nuts again the truth is the full poem is a good read...the ending is exceptional. I don't know enough ramble I think you see what I'm saying.

Feel free to ignore it or use it as you see fit.

Thanks,

Todd

[billy]

for me you need some
sorrowful rhythm maybe using 7 syls per line.
thats shows a bit of grief. (it's a dirge not a parody of a dirge )

just- a-fright-ened--litt--le---girl,
dah-de-dah---de---dah-de---dah

fear-ful--of--a-fath-ers-smile
dah-de-dah-de-dah-de--dah

quick to-fing--er and de--file
dah--de-dah-de-dah-de--dah <----sorry jack i couldn't help meself

stalking her till sixty-four
when she waded out from shore
never did we see her frown
ne'r a person saw her drown

dah--de-dah-de-dah-de--dah......

[heslopian]

for me you need some
sorrowful rhythm maybe using 7 syls per line.
thats shows a bit of grief. (it's a dirge not a parody of a dirge )

just- a-fright-ened--litt--le---girl,
dah-de-dah---de---dah-de---dah

fear-ful--of--a-fath-ers-smile
dah-de-dah-de-dah-de--dah

quick to-fing--er and de--file
dah--de-dah-de-dah-de--dah <----sorry jack i couldn't help meself

stalking her till sixty-four
when she waded out from shore
never did we see her frown
ne'r a person saw her drown

dah--de-dah-de-dah-de--dah......

Thanks for the feedback, Billy As I've said before, I mostly measure my rhythms by ear, but I can see why that would be a problem when adopting a specific form.
Forgetting for a moment that this is supposed to be a dirge, what do you think of it?

---

Hi Heslopian,

Love your opening quote.

Though I will make more comments than this, in a very real way this could be your poem:

Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.

That right there is condensed power.

I also am fond of:

as false as my aunt's "Tudor" house

It's not that the rest is bad--it isn't. It's simply that the ending is so strong I would like to see that pulled more across the poem. I'm wondering (and I could be a lunatic here) if there are a few lines you could pull out of the broader poem and tack on to the conclusion and make a tight under 10 line poem out of it. Maybe that's nuts again the truth is the full poem is a good read...the ending is exceptional. I don't know enough ramble I think you see what I'm saying.

Feel free to ignore it or use it as you see fit.

Thanks,

Todd

That's certainly an interesting challenge, Todd! And please don't worry about sounding nuts; I love crazy notions I may try it as a kind of experiment, and publish a second version of this piece. I'll leave this original alone, however; having nearly killed myself establishing the rhyme, I'm not about to mangle it

[billy]

Forgetting for a moment that this is supposed to be a dirge, what do you think of it?

She drank a glass of heady wine,
then left behind the red brick shrine
to her failed motherhood
(or so she probably believed),
walked down the beach, and there she stood,
until such time as she was ready
to take the plunge, stop going steady.
what does believed rhyme with?

The wine and wait are my fancy,
though we know she strode into the sea
after an eve of drink and drugs.
Perhaps she did a "one two three!"
before she took the final walk,
like a soldier vaulting his mud trench
on the officer's count down.
Nobody saw the woman drown.
what does the drugs, walk, trench rhyme with?

I remember one time, long ago,
she thought that I might want to know
her love for me was very strong,
and if this seemed just slightly wrong,
as false as my aunt's "Tudor" house,
neither one of us did grouse.
the 3rd verse is the only verse with a proper rhyme scheme

Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.
what does, girl, fingers and camera rhyme with?

you changed it didn't you?
all in all as a general poem i like it. some good lines. like these;

Perhaps she did a "one two three!"
before she took the final walk,
like a soldier vaulting his mud trench
on the officer's count down.

and these which i'm sure were at the top;
Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.

neither one of us did grouse

feels archaic

for me, if it's an end rhyem poem then is should be almost spot on.

[heslopian]

Forgetting for a moment that this is supposed to be a dirge, what do you think of it?

She drank a glass of heady wine,
then left behind the red brick shrine
to her failed motherhood
(or so she probably believed),
walked down the beach, and there she stood,
until such time as she was ready
to take the plunge, stop going steady.
what does believed rhyme with?

The wine and wait are my fancy,
though we know she strode into the sea
after an eve of drink and drugs.
Perhaps she did a "one two three!"
before she took the final walk,
like a soldier vaulting his mud trench
on the officer's count down.
Nobody saw the woman drown.
what does the drugs, walk, trench rhyme with?

I remember one time, long ago,
she thought that I might want to know
her love for me was very strong,
and if this seemed just slightly wrong,
as false as my aunt's "Tudor" house,
neither one of us did grouse.
the 3rd verse is the only verse with a proper rhyme scheme

Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.
what does, girl, fingers and camera rhyme with?

you changed it didn't you?
all in all as a general poem i like it. some good lines. like these;

Perhaps she did a "one two three!"
before she took the final walk,
like a soldier vaulting his mud trench
on the officer's count down.

and these which i'm sure were at the top;
Always the frightened little girl,
fearing her father's quick fingers,
and her grandad's sly camera,
we never saw below her frown,
and not one person saw her drown.

neither one of us did grouse

feels archaic

for me, if it's an end rhyem poem then is should be almost spot on.

See, now this is why I rarely rhyme; I always end up sounding weirdly archaic, and if I don't, I sacrifice cohesion for the sake of the rhyme. Thanks for the feedback, Billy