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Backyard
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02-13-2016, 08:22 AM
A charcoal breeze
spreads burgers and onions throughout the neighbourhood. From the patio, I see the neighbour’s kids wrestle a stick from the dog’s mouth. As I sip my beer, the sun hits the horizon and changes colour. 
02-13-2016, 12:03 PM
No comma after "patio" probably. Write it out:
From the patio I see the neighbor’s kids wrestle a stick from the dog’s mouth. neighbor does not have a "u" in it. Both instances. Again, S3 no comma at the end of L1. A really great opening stanza, unfortunately the next two pale somewhat by comparison. Nothing wrong with them. Maybe something like like on S3 I sip my beer, as the sun hits the horizon and brakes into colors. hit-->brakes Overall though, except for the spelling errors, this certainly can stand on it's on. Best, dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't. 
02-13-2016, 08:39 PM
02-14-2016, 05:44 AM
Nice. I agree with Erthona about the commas, but not about the spelling of 'neighbour'. Great first stanza. It probably says enough.
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