Lilies blooming along the curb,
shedding starlight like the tears
on the face, the hair, the veil, the sex --
I trample them. Down the faithful road
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine, the groom,
fresh from Egypt and the Jordan,
passes with his crowd of lights
like Saint Michael over the Nile.
I wonder: when this hallowed boy was born
and the temple veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did these lilies glow as bright?
How wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of silver running down her breast --
the promise echoes. The gates are shut.
A few bits were bothering me. The first draft is spoilered below, as per my growing usual.
CANA
Lilies blooming along the curb,
shedding bright and blinding starlight
like reflective tears perfuming
the face, the hair, the veil, the sex --
I trample them. When the hallowed boy was born
and the veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did they glow too?
I was not invited. The road runs straight
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine -- and the groom arrives
with his crowd of lights.
I remember the promise. Fresh from the river Jordan,
the bride's hallowed brother imitates
the Paskha with the pots like the rod of Moses
over the waters of the Nile --
how wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of silver running down her breast.
The gates are shut.
The virgin's womb becomes a tomb,
and wedding bands, the devil's cords --
my Lord! my Lord! Forgive me!
CANA
Lilies blooming along the curb,
and from them starlight, bright and blinding,
perfuming the road, illuming the face,
the hair, the veil, the sex --
I trample them. When the hallowed son was born
and the veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did they glow too?
I was not invited. The road runs straight
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine -- and the groom arrives
with his crowd of lights.
Fresh from the river Jordan,
the bride's cousin imitates the Paskha
with the pots like a dove descending
over the priest's promise --
how wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of milk running down her breast.
The gates are shut --
I remember her promise. Why did she forget?
Oh, those wedding bands are devils' cords --
but, my Lord, forgive!
Perhaps toning down the biblical elements might help. Or if you keep them, make them less dramatic.
(02-06-2016, 01:32 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: A few bits were bothering me. The first draft is spoilered below, as per my growing usual.
CANA
Lilies blooming along the curb,
shedding bright and blinding starlight ....'blinding starlight' is hyperbolic, 'bright starlight' faintly tautological
like reflective tears perfuming ....too many similes - lilies like stars that are like tears. tears don't perfume.
the face, the hair, the veil, the sex --
I trample them. When the hallowed boy was born
and the veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did they glow too?
I was not invited. The road runs straight
to the white house where the guests collide, ....too many feet
complaining about the wine -- and the groom arrives
with his crowd of lights.
I remember the promise. Fresh from the river Jordan, ....don't get this, but maybe it's a cultural thing. Was the bride's brother baptised at her wedding?
the bride's hallowed brother imitates ....too many 'hallowed's
the Paskha with the pots like the rod of Moses
over the waters of the Nile -- ....I don't think stray biblical references have any more power to awe - at this point, it's getting a bit ho-hum.
how wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of silver running down her breast.
The gates are shut.
The virgin's womb becomes a tomb,
and wedding bands, the devil's cords --
my Lord! my Lord! Forgive me! ....I am thinking 'religious nut'
CANA
Lilies blooming along the curb,
and from them starlight, bright and blinding,
perfuming the road, illuming the face,
the hair, the veil, the sex --
I trample them. When the hallowed son was born
and the veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did they glow too?
I was not invited. The road runs straight
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine -- and the groom arrives
with his crowd of lights.
Fresh from the river Jordan,
the bride's cousin imitates the Paskha
with the pots like a dove descending
over the priest's promise --
how wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of milk running down her breast.
The gates are shut --
I remember her promise. Why did she forget?
Oh, those wedding bands are devils' cords --
but, my Lord, forgive!
Thanks for the wine, Achebe! I'll have to let this one mull, mainly since this is more structured than my usual, but I have to note that for this draft, the double use of hallowed and the recurring alliteration means it refers to the same person, brother being used here as cousin. (thus, why the second line would keep starlight, but probably not bright and blinding -- and the river Jordan, the imitating the Paskha, and the specific metaphor there being all very, literally, appropriate) I may have failed, but for this one, I wasn't just referring to the Bible....
And, additional, but not-entirely-serious note: I like saying that tears perfume, makes them smell like something.
I've been a bit obsessive about this -- anyway, ignore my note on the groom and the "bride's brother" being not-one, and the tears perfuming. I've mucked about with the structure, cleaned it up, and made it lean on a sturdier meaning. At this point, the only note I really disagree on with you, Achebe, is the metrical note -- that line's only 5 stresses long, and three stresses form a sticky molossus, so with the rhythm above, it sounds sweet. I think there are worse offenders.
(02-13-2016, 02:24 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: I've been a bit obsessive about this -- anyway, ignore my note on the groom and the "bride's brother" being not-one, and the tears perfuming. I've mucked about with the structure, cleaned it up, and made it lean on a sturdier meaning. At this point, the only note I really disagree on with you, Achebe, is the metrical note -- that line's only 5 stresses long, and three stresses form a sticky molossus, so with the rhythm above, it sounds sweet. I think there are worse offenders.
I like this second version.
Just one more point: the 'the sex' in L3 suggests female genitalia, because of the definite article. Then, when I read 'trample them' in the next line, I know you are referring to the lilies, but I am also picturing some dude trampling on the you know what of a woman lying on her back. It's a strange image to carry in the head for the rest of the poem.
"curb"? in circa 29 ce. Cana, the town has significance to Christians because it supposedly was where Christ preformed his first public miracle, which was turning water into wine, as the wedding party he was attending with his mother had run out of wine. He did so at his mother's urging, so evidently she knew he could do this sort of thing, having done it before, thus the label of "public". Thus our setting is set, and it is set within a New Testament, i.e., Christian story. The speaker is unknown, nor is it known what bone he has to pick, although he does seem to have one.
There is some dichotomy between the first part of the poem and the second (I would delineate it, but we are in mild), unfortunately the key to understanding it appears to still reside in the writers head.
Starting with S4 there is an AAx rhyme scheme, however S6 west-breast seems a forced rhyme.
Probably writing sentences out would avail in seeing if they are in fact sentences. This one seems to be missing a "subject".
"Down the faithful road to the white house where the guests collide, complaining about the wine, the groom, fresh from Egypt and the Jordan, passes with his crowd of lights like Saint Michael over the Nile."
Sorry, but I think there is still a lot of work needed here before this becomes a readable poem.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Hi River, this is very interesting and yet at the same time somewhat confusing. Having said that I am intrigued... I have left some comments below.
(02-06-2016, 01:32 AM)RiverNotch Wrote: CANA
Lilies blooming along the curb, - In the context of the whole poem and it's Christian setting it would be fair to treat Lilies as the Christian symbol of chastity, though there are other symbolism meanings for Lilies that would contradict this. I get the double meaning with 'curb' but the meaning of stonework or a framework seems a bit obscure for it to work
shedding starlight like the tears - 'the' seems awkward here... very specific without it being specified
on the face, the hair, the veil, the sex -- - again here 'the' preceding 'hair' seems awkward
I trample them. Down the faithful road
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine, the groom, -- maybe it's just me but when I first read this I read it as the guests complaining about the groom, perhaps full stop after wine?
fresh from Egypt and the Jordan, -- I would probably specify here 'river' Jordan
passes with his crowd of lights
like Saint Michael over the Nile. -- Depending which religion you want to use Saint Michael could mean an Archangel, another name for Jesus, God, a protector of Jewish people (Moses). You might be using it for the ambiguity but it confuses too much.
I wonder: when this hallowed boy was born -- All probably too much speculation for mild critique, but if this hallowed boy is Jesus then..
and the temple veil was torn -- this must be a metaphor? A violent one perhaps, but a clever one considering the temple veil being torn happened at Jesus death. I like how you've used it here.
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did these lilies glow as bright?
How wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of silver running down her breast --
the promise echoes. The gates are shut.
I better skip to the end before I write way too much for mild. It is fascinating and yet also confusing, there is a lot of symbolism in there but which culture to attach which symbolism. Lilies and Veil seem like the most important aspect... I could speculate plenty but I can't be sure that I'm totally correct. Fiery hair - Mary Magdalene?? The speaker?? Baptism?? Silver??? It's all tantalising stuff, just feels a little bit too cryptic... need a few more tools to solve it.
Hope this makes sense. I look forward to seeing more possible developments. Thanks for the read,
Mark
A few bits were bothering me. The first draft is spoilered below, as per my growing usual.
CANA
Lilies blooming along the curb,
shedding bright and blinding starlight
like reflective tears perfuming
the face, the hair, the veil, the sex --
I trample them. When the hallowed boy was born
and the veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did they glow too?
I was not invited. The road runs straight
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine -- and the groom arrives
with his crowd of lights.
I remember the promise. Fresh from the river Jordan,
the bride's hallowed brother imitates
the Paskha with the pots like the rod of Moses
over the waters of the Nile --
how wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of silver running down her breast.
The gates are shut.
The virgin's womb becomes a tomb,
and wedding bands, the devil's cords --
my Lord! my Lord! Forgive me!
CANA
Lilies blooming along the curb,
and from them starlight, bright and blinding,
perfuming the road, illuming the face,
the hair, the veil, the sex --
I trample them. When the hallowed son was born
and the veil was torn
and the treacherous sex was proven true,
did they glow too?
I was not invited. The road runs straight
to the white house where the guests collide,
complaining about the wine -- and the groom arrives
with his crowd of lights.
Fresh from the river Jordan,
the bride's cousin imitates the Paskha
with the pots like a dove descending
over the priest's promise --
how wine blinds! In my mind tonight,
there is only her face and fiery hair
consuming east and west,
and drops of milk running down her breast.
The gates are shut --
I remember her promise. Why did she forget?
Oh, those wedding bands are devils' cords --
but, my Lord, forgive!
I'll get into the fray when I have a bit more juice back in my system. A few notes:
Achebe, not sure how to remedy that. Maybe I don't have to? Be a good deal of fun to leave that abusive image in....
dale,
She knew he could, but Biblically speaking (I think for this sort of thing, barring, say, the presentation of Mary at the temple, you have to ignore all those other tales of Christ's childhood and go Biblical, since they're not, to the best of my knowledge, as commonly accepted), Cana is his first miracle. I'm not sure how public the actual wedding was, so I used my imagination (and a very slight correspondence with one of His parables) for it -- but yeah, curb probably doesn't work.
The dichotomy is there, but it's not necessarily there for a reason (at least not yet) -- those first three stanzas are stuff I've really been struggling with. (or maybe you're talking about something else -- I'm referring to the inclusion of the rhyme scheme, which also notes a subtler change in density)
I might not remove the "west-breast". It wasn't forced to me, and it got the job done.
I agree with the confusion on the long sentence of that middle section, I tried to include too much into one nice go.
Mark,
Lilies are? That's.....convenient, I guess. I remember the clear association with Mary (apparently, her tears became, are, lilies) but -- well, it works, anyway.
Curb....I wasn't thinking of a double meaning. Dammit, I'll clean that up.
Have to turn all those "the's" into "her's", then, except maybe for "tears".
They were complaining specifically about the wine. Again, that sentence needs a good overhaul.
I don't think I need to specify "river": for this incarnation, the correspondence between two rivers in one stanza, and (more importantly) the coming-out-of-Egypt and the whole Cana thing, should make it obvious enough.
I only knew of Saint Michael as the archangel -- he's called different outside of the Catholic Church, but he's still recognized so among the Jews, the Muslims, most of the Protestants, the Orthodox, and even those weird esoteric societies, becoming only someone different with some end-y thing like "of Syria" or something. Apparently, though, the Jehovah's Witnesses, Adventists, and LDS peeps see him as God or Jesus or something, but I do think that's too much the minority to even merit acknowledging, at least for this. Anyway, the archangel reference was a very Roman Catholic (but I'm not that, hehe) reference to him being the angel of death, and that's the level of ambiguity I'll accept as being a bit weird, since to the best of my knowledge, he has a much more limited role in the other, er, mainstream traditions -- I'll think of something.
It's less a metaphor, and more -- well, I'll just call it a symbol. I was in essence uniting past, present, and future in that one line, and since its ambiguity doesn't seem to be a specific issue, I'll neither change nor explain.
I'm sure the tools you'll need are less to be found in other books, and more in the unopened channels of this writer's mind (as dale so pointedly notes) -- but again, I'll need to recharge my creative testicles before getting back to this, so for now, there is only waiting. Massive thanks to all three of you for the comments!
wae aye man ye radgie