First Poem: Abyss of the Mind

[mcauburn]

My first poem and post.

Abyss of the Mind

The immeasurable depth of the fragile mind,
 Is only limited by the shallowness of mankind.

[just mercedes]

Welcome mc - a very abstract poem. Not at all my cup of tea. The only poetic device in it seems to be the end line rhyme. Otherwise it's a prose statement with a line break.

[mcauburn]

Welcome mc - a very abstract poem. Not at all my cup of tea. The only poetic device in it seems to be the end line rhyme. Otherwise it's a prose statement with a line break.

Thanks jm for the feedback.  I was attempting a Prose Poem.  Maybe I should remove the rhyme line and replace with a standard prose line.

[just mercedes]

Welcome mc - a very abstract poem. Not at all my cup of tea. The only poetic device in it seems to be the end line rhyme. Otherwise it's a prose statement with a line break.

Thanks jm for the feedback.  I was attempting a Prose Poem.  Maybe I should remove the rhyme line and replace with a standard prose line.

Why don't you show me what you mean, rather than make a statement that feels like a lecture to me? Show me an example of a deep mind being limited by 'the shallowness of mankind'.

[mcauburn]

Thanks for the challenge jm. It feels like a poetry lecture and I just received my first assignment. I'll jump right on it teach.

[Erthona]

This is an aphorism, or an apothegm if one prefers, not a poem. Even were it a poem, there are problems with it.

"The immeasurable depth of the fragile mind,
Is only limited by the shallowness of mankind."

What is the difference between "The immeasurable depth of the fragile mind" and "The fragile mind"?

edit:

fragile human mind
limited by shallowness
of mankind

Of course since what we call "mankind" is based on on the mind of the aggregate of humans, it shows the statement to be a logical fallacy.

Try observing something concrete, not abstract. Try seeing it in a different way than people usually see it, then try writing about that. If you can throw in a metaphor for good measure. Also try reading more (some) poetry, immerse yourself in it. If the talent is there the poems will come.

Welcome to the site,

Best,

dale

[rowens]

I read it as a question. Is the immeasurable depth of the mind reflected in the shallow pool of mankind? But that's because the original seemed too rushed. The word fragile seemed a rushed choice. But what you have is so simple it's hard not to find some way of using it with a couple minor changes and maybe more lines.

[UselessBlueprint]

This is definitely very abstract, as stated in some above replies. It is also short. Extremely short. When you're starting off, you should be careful about writing something very short or very long. I would also suggest that you look at some guides/tips regarding poetry. I found the one linked in ellajam's signature to pretty informative. It all basically starts out with reading more poetry, as Erthona mentioned here. Read read read.

On a side note, I recommend you don't throw little bits like this away, I read another thread on this site where some of the writers said they gave themselves "permission to write crap," as it could be of use at a later time.

[the french these days]

I think this is a great starting point--for sure it's better than mentioning stars, love, doves etc. To reciprocate everyone else like, yeah, this is totally abstract, my man. Try and imagine a scenario in which the thought you had when you wrote this was materialized in the concrete world, besides, you always wanna try and show--not tell. Show all that philosophical rose stuff my dude.

[Jeremiahcp]

I am a big fan of brevity, but I feel as if you have the root of a poem here. What you may want to consider next, is to take this root, and try to tell some sort of story with it. Especially if you want it to be prose poetry, as that will give you additional lead way to format it like a basic story.  

You can use rhyme and other poetic devices in prose. Writing is writing, and if the something calls for  prose structure or a poetic device, then go for it. Just remember that in both, prose and poetry, you must have a reason for doing whatever it is you do. If you are writing an essay you can't just pop into rhyme and meter without just cause. However keep in mind that very often poetry is meant to be read out loud (including prose poetry), so appealing to that extra sense is a good reason to add some form of pattern into your writing. If you want to rhyme don’t shy away from it, as practice makes perfect, and you can’t learn how to do something if you don’t ever actually try to do it.

If you want to write prose poetry, make sure you read prose poetry. We learn how to talk by listening, and we learn how to write by reading.

[Icon Zero]

It's more like a philosophical quote than a poem, but I like it. Evocative wording, which is very much my cup of tea. I love the title too, you just need to expand on the idea.

[billy]

i can't see it as anything but a quote or aphorism.

maybe if one of the lines was an image, i could see it in a better light. while it may be poetry, i can't see it that way

[blanc]

Perhaps elaborating on what it is about "mankind" that you feel is limiting would get across your idea more poignantly. Unless you intended the piece to be more a statement that inspired a discussion of interpretations and ideas. A very cool idea to start with