Reading From the Outside

[mlund]

I was riding the bus today
As I do every day, 
Lost in my own contemplation

When a boy with windblown hair
And a girl with painted black nails
Jumped on for shelter from the rain

I watched as he steadied her
From the jerking starts
And abrupt stops 

How she peered into his eyes
Stepping into his gaze
And receding from our world

And as I observed from my bench
All I could consider,
Was that they were the kind of people one wrote stories about

[billy]

just kidding about the dylan song

delete words that are not needed? you have the story, use imagery to show it us, simile/metaphor, use a few poetic devices such as alliteration [check out the site for more poetic devices]

an example of simile;
And a girl with painted black nails

And a girl with nails like slivers of coal you could do much better but it's just an example.

I was riding the bus today
As I do every day, 
Lost in my own contemplation

When a boy with windblown hair
And a girl with painted black nails
Jumped on for shelter from the rain is this a line from a bob dylan song?

I watched as he steadied her show us how he steadied her instead of just saying it.
From the jerking starts
And abrupt stops 

How she peered into his eyes lines like this add little, it's called cliche and if possible are better avoided
Stepping into his gaze
And receding from our world

And as I observed from my bench
All I could consider,
Was that they were the kind of people one wrote stories about

[Erthona]

mlund,

This piece is problematic for a number of reasons but the main one is how does the speaker know the couple got onto the bus to get out of the rain and not to go somewhere while it just happened to be raining? All the reader has is the speakers word that this is the case and as the speaker has not been identified as anything other than a mere human, there is no way the speaker could know. So as this is the premise on which the context of the poem resides...  

As this is mild I'll not do a line by line critique, but I must point out some areas that could use editing in the first stanza and could be used for the rest of the poem. Nothing major, just some touch up editing.

"I was riding the bus today
as I do every day;
lost in my own contemplation."  Personally, "contemplation" sounds a bit high handed, but it is a stylistic choice. Do put periods at the end of sentences. Grammar still applies, even in poetry.

Capping every line:

As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension.

Welcome to the site,


Best,


dale

[mlund]

Dale, I appreciate your feedback and will work on my imagery and setting up of the story.
I also appreciate your concern over my capitalization choices. I understand that it may be outdated and not necessarily comfortable to read, but it is my personal stylistic choice to use whatever form I wish. Thank you again for the warm welcome!

mlund,

This piece is problematic for a number of reasons but the main one is how does the speaker know the couple got onto the bus to get out of the rain and not to go somewhere while it just happened to be raining? All the reader has is the speakers word that this is the case and as the speaker has not been identified as anything other than a mere human, there is no way the speaker could know. So as this is the premise on which the context of the poem resides...  

As this is mild I'll not do a line by line critique, but I must point out some areas that could use editing in the first stanza and could be used for the rest of the poem. Nothing major, just some touch up editing.

"I was riding the bus today
as I do every day;
lost in my own contemplation."  Personally, "contemplation" sounds a bit high handed, but it is a stylistic choice. Do put periods at the end of sentences. Grammar still applies, even in poetry.

Capping every line:

As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done which is an unfortunate misapprehension.

Welcome to the site,


Best,


dale

[kkieran]

I was riding the bus today-- Take out 'I was' and 'today'
As I do every day, -
Lost in my own contemplation - I'd lose 'my own'

When a boy with windblown hair
And a girl with painted black nails
Jumped on for shelter from the rain

I watched as he steadied her
From the jerking starts
And abrupt stops 

How she peered into his eyes
Stepping into his gaze
And receding from our world

And as I observed from my bench
All I could consider,
Was that they were the kind of people one wrote stories about - 'kind of people stories were written about' - this is how I'd reword this

I'd also take 'Reading' out of the title,- but that's just me. Also, I'd try to limit the use of 'and' so much. I can certainly appreciate the art of people watching, and so I enjoyed the sentiment behind this piece.