Rats In Cages, Edit #2

[nikkisto]

[I can only gain so much reading responses to other people's poetry, so it has some merit to let you critique my own work. I've done much editing to this, and there are portions I am not satisfied with, so it will likely be edited many more times. The statements are not as solid as I would like, but that could only come in the final wave of edits.]

--Edit #2--
There are rats in cages and mazes that are happier than I am.     Do you need the 'am' here? It may help the flow to take this out.
They do not kick walls or see constellations.   These seem oddly paired, almost too unrelated to form a clear visual.
They do not think of life and death
Or balance them on dark and light fulcrums. 'Fulcrums' seems to be very cold here, too far outside the language of the rest of the lines.

I watch them, fur and flesh over bone and brain.  I really like this line with 'The levers move in silence', 
I give them levers to pull, to see if they decide.   'to see if they decide', some reworking here. This line stands out against the imagery of those before and after.

The levers move in silence.

Their futile bodies know the question;
Their noble beings have no answer.
Their lives are only chemical computers,
Chaotic twitches of mortal muscle,
Seeking validation for every bite.
They shake in self-awareness at the power of their hands.  

In reflection they see their fur
Placed over skin that is not their own
Just before the glass breaks.  

I appreciate the changes you've made to these last stanzas, they have polish to them and create a stronger theme. I wonder how the beginning line pairs with what follows. The opening line speaks to the writer's self/happiness but the remainder of the poem is focuses outside the self. The perspective seems contradictory.



--Edit #1--
There are rats in cages and mazes that are happier than I am.
They do not count walls and stars.
They do not think of life and death or dark and light colors.

I watch them, fur and flesh over bone and brain.
I give them levers to pull, to see if they decide.

The levers move in silence.

It is a chemical, and a muscle.
It is computable, and yet chaotic.
Though in vain, I believe it is noble.
They shake in self-awareness at the product of their hands.
In reflection they see their fur
Placed over skin that is not their own
Just before the glass breaks.



--Original--
There are rats in cages and mazes that are happier than I am.
They do not count walls and stars and debts.
They do not think of life and death or dark and light.
They do not balance scales or walk with symmetry.
They are not scientists or philosophers.
I can observe these rats, and define them.
I give them levers to pull on, to see if they decide.
I am their judge, and their sentence is death.
Still they pull on my levers but never question why.
It is a chemical, and a muscle.
It is computable, and yet chaotic.
And though in vain, I believe it is noble.
It is violent and brings them pleasure
As they welcome peace and ponder war.
They shake in self-awareness at the product of their hands.
In reflection, they see their fur
Placed over skin that is not their own
Just before the glass breaks.

[Weeded]

Although this is in novice, you seem pretty serious about this piece, so I'm going to forgo a quick response with a line by line:

[I can only gain so much reading responses to other people's poetry, so it has some merit to let you critique my own work. I've done much editing to this, and there are portions I am not satisfied with, so it will likely be edited many more times. The statements are not as solid as I would like, but that could only come in the final wave of edits.]

--Edit #2--
There are rats in cages and mazes that are happier than I am. This poem immediately speaks to me; perhaps we are in similar places but I am instantly captivated by these opening lines.
They do not kick walls or see constellations. Yup.
They do not think of life and death
Or balance them on dark and light fulcrums. *or..? 

I watch them, fur and flesh over bone and brain.
I give them levers to pull, to see if they decide. Not sure if this stanza is needed.

The levers move in silence. Not sure if this line is needed, either.

Their futile bodies know the question; This is starting to feel more like "tell" than "show."
Their noble beings have no answer. Is a rat noble?
Their lives are only chemical computers, aren't humans the same?
Chaotic twitches of mortal muscle, this line brings it back to "show."
Seeking validation for every bite.
They shake in self-awareness at the power of their hands. Hmm... Are we aware that rats possess self-awareness? I do not know personally.

In reflection they see their fur
Placed over skin that is not their own I point this out again only because of the number of edits put into this one... But *placed?
Just before the glass breaks.

Ok so I really enjoyed the theme, the two opening lines were the strongest, imo. Honestly I didn't take much after the first stanza, and I'm left wondering at the end. There doesn't seem to be any real meaning to the piece as a whole, other than there are rats in cages happier than the narrator(which is already said in the first two lines). I would recommend you introduce a new idea, or several, to strengthen the theme rather than go into meticulous detail on the rats in the cages and their actions. Thanks for sharing,
mike

[UselessBlueprint]

@Weeded
I'm not particularly serious about this piece, but it helps me get used to the forum mechanics in place here. I really didn't even want this to get to a second page. Nevertheless, a few replies:
I have made a few further edits to this, but none that I will posting here (almost finished writing a second piece). Line 1 is probably the only line in that 'stanza' which says anything to anyone. The next three are perspective based, which makes them deliberately weak

Most of the language is rather deliberate. It really is not meant to seem like a poem, which might defeat the entire purpose of writing it. It should seem as if it is written by a scientist conducting experiments with rats, not a poet contemplating things which everyone contemplates at some point. The method of contemplation is scientific, but the question is drawn between the spiritual and the 'physical.'Hence, the second stanza provides a definition of the rats and a statement of the method and question.

The standalone line is horribly incomplete in this version, but is meant to provide a hint of an answer.

Yeah, it lacks imagery. Not exactly a strength of mine yet. 
Is a rat noble? Very good question. Is the 'being' of a rat noble? Unanswerable.
Are humans the same? Answering this question for yourself is just like pulling one of my levers.
If rats are self-aware, I'm sure it has nothing to do with the power of their hands. I know of brains in petri dishes flying airplanes (not exactly, but close). In my short study of English poetry, I've noticed that many poets like to apply certain progression and change within their poems (notably, Shakespeare and Dickinson). I've tried to make these rats become less rat-like as the piece goes on.

If the issue with 'placed' is the same as 'or,' i.e. capitalization, it was really not a priority for this piece. While I do consider punctuation to be important, I don't feel any concern over regular capitalization. If a piece is written entirely in capital or lowercase letters, I will still read it the same way as if it was properly or improperly cased. It has no effect on my reading, and this, little on my writing. (If it's about word choice, 'placed' gives a hint toward the spiritual and also sounds much better than 'superimposed.'

[vishaksagar]

Hi, I'm new to this but here's something I've to ask

"Seeking validation for every bite.

They shake in self-awareness at the power of their hands."

Aren't these 2 lines contradicting each-other. Is this intentional?