Would it make a difference? [1st Edit] (Strong language used)

[Beat Eater]

Hello! This is the first time I've poested poetry on any kind of forum. I am pretty novice at poetry and I'm sure it's riddled with cliches, but you are most welcome to completely deconstruct it and offer it to me, piece by piece. I know it reads more like rap lyrics, but that's what I used to think all poetry should read like. (Also, on a side not. This is not about myself.) So here it is:

First Edit:
"Fuck it!" He said. "I’ll be my own father figure."
I’ll pour the Wheaties in my bowl
so I can raise myself a winner.

I hit a homer, tried to phone her,
left a message at the beep;
crying “Mama! Won’t you help me? I can’t seem to fall asleep!”

I think I need a diamond ring,
or at least a bullet. 'Cause that fucking bird won't sing.
Cock it, finger, trigger, pull it.

Except the bullet is for me.
Bang! I'll be sleeping deep.
Who needs birds to sing me dreams?
Who needs bling for inner peace?

Maybe me.

Original:
He said fuck it! I’ll be my own father figure.
I’ll pour the Wheaties in my bowl so I can raise myself a winner

And I’ll go to every game, and be the loudest one to shout, when the ref treats me unfairly or the umpire says I’m out.

I hit a homer, tried to phone her, left a message at the beep; crying “Mama! Won’t you help me? I can’t seem to fall asleep!”

I think I need a diamond ring, or at least a bullet. 'Cause that fucking bird won't sing. Cock it, finger, trigger, pull it.

Except the bullet is for me. Bang! I'll be sleeping deep.

Who needs birds to sing me dreams? Who needs bling for inner peace?

Maybe me.

I never had a father to relieve bad dreams of living and tell me to just believe.

[Leanne]

Hey BeatEater, this is a pleasant surprise as it's not nearly as cliche-ridden as I was expecting from your claim

Formatting will help you first up, maybe something like this:

He said fuck it! I’ll be my own father figure.
I’ll pour the Wheaties in my bowl
so I can raise myself a winner
and I’ll go to every game, and be the loudest one to shout,
when the ref treats me unfairly or the umpire says I’m out.

I hit a homer, tried to phone her,
left a message at the beep;
crying “Mama! Won’t you help me? I can’t seem to fall asleep!”
I think I need a diamond ring,
or at least a bullet. 'Cause that fucking bird won't sing.
Cock it, finger, trigger, pull it.
Except the bullet is for me. Bang! I'll be sleeping deep.
Who needs birds to sing me dreams? Who needs bling for inner peace?
Maybe me.
I never had a father to relieve bad dreams of living and tell me to just believe.

There are a couple of lines you could really do without, and the one that probably needs to go first is the last one. There's nothing gained by it and it's clumsy. Ending on "maybe me" will do just fine. Your first line might need a little attention -- I'd suggest rearranging to:"Fuck it!" he said, "I'll be my own father figure." Sets up a better rhythm and is stronger as an opening. Remember, your readers will pay the most attention to your first and last lines -- don't waste them.

I really like your use of the mockingbird song as pastiche. Always thought that song was a bit too creepy...

Welcome to poetry. You've got something if you work at it, and I hope you do. There's nothing at all wrong with rap, but of course there's more out there.

[Beat Eater]

Thanks Leanne. You're spot on about that last line. I also thought it ended after "Myabe me." but I wasn't sure the "no father figure message was pushed through enough. Definitely agree that it should be removed.

I'm glad you like that part. It was fun to write.

Thanks for your input that gives me a good idea for an edit.

[Weeded]

Beateater,
Nice to see sum flowin here, my favorite parts are the figure/winner set up an the general rhythm, nice and steady like good A'ccapella should be. From a rappers perspective there are alot of cliches (wheaties reference, generic sports reference, lullaby reference, gun/bullet reference/contemplation of material), but thats o.k.. My recommendation if you're going to continue with the rap style is to just get out of the box and try and say the same thing thats been said before but in a new way(basically just like poetry). For instance you could be like,

"Fuck it! Be my own father figure"
Pour wheaties-- get me swoll
raisin up to be a winner

Thats just one way, but one of the way cool things about rap is its a style dependent on vernacular; that said you can create your own, thats why its so powerful with the younger generations, its so easy to set trends due to internet and social media because its so easy for people to follow now. Nice rhymes tho,
mike

[Beat Eater]

Thanks Mike,

I'll definitely be searching more my own voice as I continue. Sometimes I feel it's hard to hear my own voice in my head because it's drowned out by all the voices of musicians, rappers, writers, etc. that I love. I tend to gravitate a style of someone else that's similar to the style I'm writing.

I appreciate the encouragement. I wasn't even really thinking about using my own language and slang to write. More just what seemed "correct".

[Leanne]

I'll definitely be searching more my own voice as I continue. Sometimes I feel it's hard to hear my own voice in my head because it's drowned out by all the voices of musicians, rappers, writers, etc. that I love. I tend to gravitate a style of someone else that's similar to the style I'm writing.

We all do that to begin with.  There's a thread of "you" in it though -- pull it and see where it goes.  I know rappers always think they've got a handle on "the beat", but I guarantee if you learn about meter and other poetic forms, your rapping will improve.  Most of the truly great rap/ hiphop lyricists -- Eminem, Tupac, Aesop Rock, obviously a few others -- have a good command of poetry in the written form.  It's better/stronger if it doesn't rely on your pronunciation and the music to make it "flow".  

There is no substitute for reading outside of the genre/style you are writing in.  The best poetry often calls on classical and pop culture references, and not just those that people who listen to rap music will be familiar with.  If your objective is to appeal to a wider audience, and to expand the influence of your art outside its hard core fan base, you're going to have to elevate yourself.  

You can though.  We see hundreds of "rappers" crash and burn here every year, because they already think they know how it's done and assume that cliche and crap content is enough.  That's insulting to your readers/listeners.  People are crying out for great art but they're settling for average because that's all that's on offer.  Don't be average.  Be fucking amazing.

[Weeded]

 Sometimes I feel it's hard to hear my own voice in my head because it's drowned out by all the voices of musicians, rappers, writers, etc. that I love. I tend to gravitate a style of someone else that's similar to the style I'm writing. 

This is the biggest problem I had/am still having. I hear a beat and think "damn this sounds like somethin [enter rappers name] would go over." I then proceed to write to their voice, not mine. The only thing that can stop this is reciting aloud. That's the primary difference between rap and poetry is poetry does not need to be recited aloud to be appreciated where rap does.

I know rappers always think they've got a handle on "the beat", but I guarantee if you learn about meter and other poetic forms, your rapping will improve.

This. The study of meter will bring your rapping to a whole new level. That on top of other key elements of poetry; enjambment is one of them for me. If you can successfully apply this in rap you can create sum pretty crazy flows. And I'm not sure the term for this, but just way of saying something poetically different- thats the key.

You can though.  We see hundreds of "rappers" crash and burn here every year, because they already think they know how it's done and assume that cliche and crap content is enough.

Unfortunately over here in the States cliche crap is thriving. The Chiraq Movement is basically shitting on the Higher Consciousness Movement. I would say just figure out who you are tho and dont worry about catering to any audience. The best and most successful artists are what they are because they truly love music, soul is #1 don't forget that. The greats always gotta song u never heard before, because they dedicated their life to the craft and stayed in the studio. Majority of these rappers crash and burn cuz they're in the game for the wrong reasons, be it money status or women. Just keep it a hunnid an you'll be gold.

[Beat Eater]

Wow! Thanks. This has been a rather inspiring to say the least.

I'm gonna do some research before my next poem, but hopefully it shows.

I really appriciate both of your inputs. (Especially your firey, passionate input, Leanne.)

Time to get to the grindstone. ✌