Mentor: Mentor: Signs

[Weeded]

Ok so a little background on this piece; I wrote it very spur-of-the-moment, thought it to be absolute muck but then I posted it on here and got a lot of great feedback of things people like and things people don't like. I revised it a couple times and got even more feedback on likes/dislikes about this piece. The trouble I'm having with another revision is the views of everyone can get pretty opposite, I'm not quite sure what to do. I have two people telling me they like this line, two people telling me they dislike it etc. I would like a mentor to help me sort through all these opinions and decide which ones will be best for the piece while staying to its original intent. I would hyperlink the poem but I seem to have lost the option to do so :| but here it is:
Signs

*Edit: Thanks for tha hyperlink mods.

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form

Edit 1

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
Her brightness diminished(naturally).
She grew like a star to supernova
until finally, she exploded;

he, without form.
She, without form.



Original


In her palm she held Fire
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned.
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
He doused her brightness,
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded;

He, without form.
She, without form.

[rayheinrich]

Hi W.
Yes, would like to.
Proviso: I'm in California Visiting Family until the 19th, can probably do a tiny amount
of work on it, but probably not much. After the 20th I could devote some real attention
to the process. If that timeline's ok, then I'd be interested. Next time I'm on will be late
tonight or tomorrow morning. Will read your reply then. -Ray

[Weeded]

Ray,
Sounds good im in no rush with this piece, thanks for offering your help and enjoy your vacation!
mike

[Weeded]

Exercise 1: Make a list of definitions of possible audiences for this piece.

1. Non-Poet- This person has never read poetry(besides in class).

2. Novice Poet- This person has read a few poems, writes occasionally, and might belong to a poetry forum or similar.

3. Amateur Poet- This person might own a couple anthologies, have a favorite(s) poet, and is well-versed in their craft.

4. Expert Poet- This person probably has something close to a bookcase full of literature; be it anthologies or how-to's. This person might be so good they can imitate styles, recite from memory, and perhaps even teach their learnings to others.

5. Master Poet- This person is everything the expert poet is and more. They tend to be a bit older, and their knowledge comes from a lifetimes experience of indulging in the arts. They typically don't write much(either that or they don't share much) since they already have their own anthology of works. They have nothing to prove anymore, so most of the works they do write tend to be personal or humorous.

6. Me- I keeps it real.