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A breeze freshens,
born of an unseen impulse,
like tears
that shimmer on the cusp of emotion.
Rising winds,
fluent in the language of boundaries,
draft waves upon the sea in cursive hand,
each a percussive antiphon
beseeching the spirit.
The words of the spirit
adorn the swells,
dulcet and luminous,
mounting each crest as sinuous grace,
and offering
the peace
of a following sea.
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Ah, once I got that this was a ship running before the wind and no someone running it made more sense, but then there is no ship is there? I think you could drop a lot of your comas, the line break does that for you.
"A breeze freshens
born of an unseen impulse
like tears
that shimmer on the cusp of emotion."
I think I might make "like tears that shimmer" one line, but that is purely stylistic for the most part, but I do think it helps with the rhythm.
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Not sure about the meaning of "Rising winds fluent in the language of boundaries..." If anything wind would know no boundaries, so for me this is puzzling.
The use of "antiphon" seems to be obscurity for obscurities sake, plus it doesn't really apply when used with "percussive". Percussive would be more likely seen as a phrase than a verse. "Antiphon" has the quality of tonality of which percussion is general seen to be void, unless one is talking in terms of tuned instruments. Waves could be said to be more concussive in and of themselves, which is what seems to be, being described here. There is no wave hitting the hull of a ship.
Sorry, there are lots of descriptive words words and phrases, but to me it seems that what is being described is missing.
Maybe someone else will get something from this, but I come away empty handed.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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When I first clicked on this, I was expecting a poem about running (something I enjoy), but now after reading it, it has still related to me! I grew up around boats and what not!
I think the commas could definitely be dropped, but it honestly comes down to the writers discretion. I would also change "percussive" to something more relative to writing for that line. Other than that, very well worded! I appreciate this piece, thank you.
