The Receiving State

[MAE27]

Hi all, I am totally new to this but thought I would try out posting a short poem. I wrote this about an Indian friend of mine who moved to London at the age of nine and she has written a book about the experience. I like to be playful in poems but also to evoke strong emotion. I will probably expand this poem in the future. Any comments or feedback would be welcome.

The Receiving State

Little red shoes sat alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.

Shoes missing people,
In lonely rows,
Watching washing on the line,
Singing to the wind,
Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
And hope in a turmeric sky.

[Xctv]

The poem sends a clear message about this person missing the culture and lifestyle they used to have in india. The imagery of a tumeric sky is a strong one. As if the shoes emotionally miss the smell of tumeric in the air. However it would be worth changing the cliche in the first stanza "untouched by magic" or maybe elaborate on what this "magic" is.
It would also be worth adding a rhythm or meter to this poem in attempt to ephasise the battle of homesickness.

[browtm7]

The Receiving State

Little red shoes sat alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.

Shoes missing people,
In lonely rows,
Watching washing on the line,
Singing to the wind,
Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
And hope in a turmeric sky.
 
I know that the “shoes” are referring to the little girl, but it’s an awkward read in the second stanza and doesn’t add anything to the poem. Shoes cannot feel and you just introduced us to the ‘little red shoes” in the first sentence of the poem so there is no need to remind us so soon, of who you are referring to. I don’t feel like it’s needed there.
 
Also, I am confused by “In lonely rows,”
Is she missing people in lonely rows from home, or is she in lonely rows, missing people while watching the clothes line? Depending on how I read it, it can go either way. I almost want to place a period after line and allow “Singing” to be the beginning of a new sentence.
 
Overall, the piece evokes a lonely sadness in me and your final two lines, “Trying to remember Calcutta kisses, and hope in a turmeric sky.” are beautiful.
 
You have the beginning of an awesome piece here. Thanks for sharing it.
 
TB

[Achebe]

"Calcutta kisses" and "turmeric sky" do the poem in, for me.
There's no such thing as a Calcutta kiss, any more than there is a Caracas kiss or a Tristan da Cunha kiss. The qualifier 'Calcutta' just remains a word.
And shoes don't try to remember kisses, maybe roads, maybe the red soil of home, maybe the wet earth of the monsoons....but not kisses.
Personification works with some sort of a link back to the original, if you know what I mean.

A sky can be many things, but never turmeric. Turmeric is an intense yellow / orange. The sun can be turmeric, never the sky.
I would instead, write something like 'trying to remember the rained out path/ the red clay village road' or the like.

(the red clay road being an allusion to a popular Tagore song)

otherwise, nice pome.

[MAE27]

"Calcutta kisses" and "turmeric sky" do the poem in, for me.
There's no such thing as a Calcutta kiss, any more than there is a Caracas kiss or a Tristan da Cunha kiss. The qualifier 'Calcutta' just remains a word.
And shoes don't try to remember kisses, maybe roads, maybe the red soil of home, maybe the wet earth of the monsoons....but not kisses.
Personification works with some sort of a link back to the original, if you know what I mean.

A sky can be many things, but never turmeric. Turmeric is an intense yellow / orange. The sun can be turmeric, never the sky.
I would instead, write something like 'trying to remember the rained out path/ the red clay village road' or the like.

(the red clay road being an allusion to a popular Tagore song)

otherwise, nice pome.

Thank you for your comments. The poem is about a girl actually sat in the hallway looking at shoes and remembering people (who may have worn them). So the shoes personify the girl and how she is feeling. I have been to India and sometimes with all the smog and the beautiful sunset the sky can almost look like turmeric. Calcutta kisses are simply the memory of the people and place she has left behind. I will take on board your comments as I think this poem can be refined.

---

The Receiving State

Little red shoes sat alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.

Shoes missing people,
In lonely rows,
Watching washing on the line,
Singing to the wind,
Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
And hope in a turmeric sky.
 
I know that the “shoes” are referring to the little girl, but it’s an awkward read in the second stanza and doesn’t add anything to the poem. Shoes cannot feel and you just introduced us to the ‘little red shoes” in the first sentence of the poem so there is no need to remind us so soon, of who you are referring to. I don’t feel like it’s needed there.
 
Also, I am confused by “In lonely rows,”
Is she missing people in lonely rows from home, or is she in lonely rows, missing people while watching the clothes line? Depending on how I read it, it can go either way. I almost want to place a period after line and allow “Singing” to be the beginning of a new sentence.
 
Overall, the piece evokes a lonely sadness in me and your final two lines, “Trying to remember Calcutta kisses, and hope in a turmeric sky.” are beautiful.
 
You have the beginning of an awesome piece here. Thanks for sharing it.
 
TB

Thanks TB for your encouraging comments. I think I need to add more to the poem to expand on the comments I just made to Achebe which cover the points you make too. I personally feel the last two lines are strong too. The line just takes me to India from the lonely hallway.

[Emz]

Hi all, I am totally new to this but thought I would try out posting a short poem. I wrote this about an Indian friend of mine who moved to London at the age of nine and she has written a book about the experience. I like to be playful in poems but also to evoke strong emotion. I will probably expand this poem in the future. Any comments or feedback would be welcome.

The Receiving State

Little red shoes sat alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.

Shoes missing people,
In lonely rows,
Watching washing on the line,
Singing to the wind,
Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
And hope in a turmeric sky.

I enjoyed this. The shoes not only capture an interesting perspective of a different place, but also layer the sense of wanting to go home (like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz). 

Perhaps remove capitalisation at the beginning of each line, since each line isn't always the beginning of a sentence.

Little red shoes sat alone,
in empty English hallways in England,
untouched by magic.

Shoes missing people,
in lonely rows,
watching washing on the line,
singing to the wind,
trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
and hope in a turmeric sky.

[Akira]

Enjoyed this one.

I am not bothered by Calcutta kisses / turmeric sky. Calcutta is clearly (to me) being used as a metonym.

On the other hand, I am on board with the confusion in S2 about what is doing and observing what. Regardless if it can be argued whether it technically works, if it is pulling people out of the poem to go "Hmmmm", you may want to consider making it a bit clearer.

Visually it would be a bit more balanced if you broke up S2; also, and this is a question of style/personal preference, but consider not capitalizing every line, but only where there is a new sentence or possibly a new stanza:

Little red shoes sat alone,
in empty hallways in England,
untouched by magic.

Shoes missing people,
in lonely rows,
watching washing on the line,
singing to the wind,

Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
and hope in a turmeric sky.


Lastly, you should put the first line into the present tense:

Little red shoes sit alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.