Infatuation

[Todd]

This look causes thirst,
the possibility of wanting,
this shiver, this melting
trail of ice cubes,
a slow drag
on your cigarette.
This desire: nature’s
airbrush softening the edges
inside a pale amber glow
like a fine mist
of honey.
This look that caresses
what can’t be seen,
that causes heat
to rise like steam,
making embers dance
across the nighttime sky
in that one precise moment
of dying perfection.

[addy]

Wow, I love the tone of this piece. The POV makes it sound objective and neutral, but at the same time it actually highlights the sensuality of the words... like a barrier that makes it all the more fascinating. This was a great read

[billy]

This look causes thirst,
the possibility of wanting,
this shiver, this melting
trail of ice cubes,
a slow drag
on your cigarette.
This desire: nature’s
airbrush softening the edges
inside a pale amber glow
like a fine mist
of honey.
This look that caresses
what can’t be seen,
that causes heat
to rise like steam,
making embers dance
across the nighttime sky
in that one precise moment
of dying perfection.

"this" sort of confuses me, i just get the feeling that the "this" applies to both of you but i'm not sure.

lots to like about this one todd. some good lines;
i've made bold the ones that really hit. maybe "pale amber glow" feels a bit cliché but it really isn't noticeable. the poem has great flow. the last line works though for me would work better with something else instead of perfect. some good images that make the reader feel an underlying need for some kind of physicality, even if it's only a fantasy kind of touching.

"night-time or night time" (i think)

thanks for the read as always

[heslopian]

David Mitchell once said that seeing bad comedy angers him, and seeing the good makes him nervous. I feel the same about poetry, and reading you I feel terrified! You have such a raw gift, evident in the way you create such perfect, scalpel sharp flow and lyrical images without disrupting the syntax. It is the temptation of many poets (including myself) to float off and become too baroque, impenetrable and pretentious, but you avoid this trap with startling ease. This bit was perfect, better than a lot of published lines I've read:

This desire: nature’s
airbrush softening the edges
inside a pale amber glow
like a fine mist
of honey.

My only feedback would be that, if I had written this, I would have called it "The Possibility of Wanting," as that second line sums up the meaning of this piece, at least for me.

[Todd]

Wow, I love the tone of this piece. The POV makes it sound objective and neutral, but at the same time it actually highlights the sensuality of the words... like a barrier that makes it all the more fascinating. This was a great read

Hi Addy,

Thank you for your comments. I'm glad you liked it.

As always much appreciated,

Todd

[Todd]

This look causes thirst,
the possibility of wanting,
this shiver, this melting
trail of ice cubes,
a slow drag
on your cigarette.
This desire: nature’s
airbrush softening the edges
inside a pale amber glow
like a fine mist
of honey.
This look that caresses
what can’t be seen,
that causes heat
to rise like steam,
making embers dance
across the nighttime sky
in that one precise moment
of dying perfection.

"this" sort of confuses me, i just get the feeling that the "this" applies to both of you but i'm not sure.

lots to like about this one todd. some good lines;
i've made bold the ones that really hit. maybe "pale amber glow" feels a bit cliché but it really isn't noticeable. the poem has great flow. the last line works though for me would work better with something else instead of perfect. some good images that make the reader feel an underlying need for some kind of physicality, even if it's only a fantasy kind of touching.

"night-time or night time" (i think)

thanks for the read as always

Billy, thanks for the comments. I like how you approach your comments you help me see where you're coming from. I'm really torn on the nighttime. I've seen it like I have it and I've seen it like night time. The dictionary is no help. I'm really not sure which is more correct. I'd like a dictionary that would say "most common usage".

Always appreciate your feedback Billy,

Todd

---

David Mitchell once said that seeing bad comedy angers him, and seeing the good makes him nervous. I feel the same about poetry, and reading you I feel terrified! You have such a raw gift, evident in the way you create such perfect, scalpel sharp flow and lyrical images without disrupting the syntax. It is the temptation of many poets (including myself) to float off and become too baroque, impenetrable and pretentious, but you avoid this trap with startling ease. This bit was perfect, better than a lot of published lines I've read:

This desire: nature’s
airbrush softening the edges
inside a pale amber glow
like a fine mist
of honey.

My only feedback would be that, if I had written this, I would have called it "The Possibility of Wanting," as that second line sums up the meaning of this piece, at least for me.

Hi Heslopian,

Let me start off with the easy response: I will consider a title change infatuation was more of a way to focus what I wanted to say--I may keep it but I'm not definite on that.

Now more importantly, Thank you! Those are some of the nicest comments anyone has ever given me on my writing. For all the years that my writing was just plain awful it's gratifying to get a response like yours. It made my day!

All my best,

Todd

[billy]

if you purposely chose nighttime then definitely go with it.