Where I'm From

[shurgaree]

Not going to give too much of a background, I'll answer if I'm asked.Hope you all enjoy. (I don't know why the hell the text is staying so small. If a mod wants to make the poem's font bigger, for the sake of your eyesight, I would not mind at all )






Brea California
          where I received my body and watched it grow 13 years, still yet to be filled;
Birmingham Michigan
          where I learned the world wasn't always cut out for me or itself;
My first LSD experience
          where I realized my mind was the universe;
The sidetrack slums of New Delhi India
          where angels & demons stood and lay bowing to each other – life;
The Tao Te Ching
          where I stopped resisting the tide;


Marquette Michigan
          where my soul was filled with love, nature, joy;
The Yellowdog River of Big Bay
          where I saw light through closed kaleidoscopic eyes;
The Grateful Dead
          where the words of Robert Hunter & sounds of Garcia, and the rest of them, carried me miles and years;
The mountains of Nepal
          where I found happiness & appreciation in tortured Tibetan eyes;
The Cordillera Huayhuash of the Peruvian Andes
          where my sore bones fell out of focus because everything else was present


The River Ganges of Rishikesh and Varanasi
          where I saw that beauty could be either see-through turquoise or murky and abrasive, just the same;
The Porcupine Mountains of the Upper Peninsula
          where perseverance carried my stale body through feet of snow and miles of overthought;
Countless psychedelic trips across countries and venues
          where my mind was constantly renewed and refreshed, for never is it truly finished growing;
The Peruvian Amazon
          where I found indigenous simplicity and harmony being crushed by the polished numb fist of the Industrial Revolution;
The people I surround myself with
          where I found friends, foes, lovers, role models, myself, and countless opportunities to grow;


Dharamshala, Amsterdam, Mexico, Canada, the rest of America, DMT, psilocybin, marijuana, amphetamines, Kerouac, Hesse, Ginsberg, Ishmael, H.H. The Dalai Lama, Hunter S. Thompson, Alan Watts, 180 Degrees South, the sounds of Steve Kimock, the screeches of Pharoah Sanders, etc-
          where do I begin?

Where are you from?

[billy]

i enjoyed the poem, one of the better of this type. i particularly liked the te ching couplet.

for me you use to many [I'm]'s would it read better with just the one to start each stanza?

are you from earth or possibly liverpool.

[rayheinrich]

I'm with billy, way too many "I'm from" 's.

One per stanza is a good way of doing it.

Or you could put the "I'm from" in a title:

Where I'm From

Brea California
         where I received my body and watched it grow 13 years, still yet to be filled;
Birmingham Michigan
         where I learned the world wasn't always cut out for me or itself;
etc.

While some of the entries could stand a bit of pruning, my main objection
to the poem is when it shades into instruction, explanation, even moralizing.

I think it works best as straight description.

Two examples:

"I'm from countless psychedelic trips across countries and venues
         where my mind was constantly renewed and refreshed, for never is it truly finished growing;"

"I'm from the Peruvian Amazon
         where I found indigenous simplicity and harmony being crushed by the polished numb fist of the Industrial Revolution;"

And "being crushed by the polished numb fist" is dreadful hyperbole as well.

Because of the poem's strong cyclic rhythm, it might be better to shorten it
so the effect doesn't get wearing. Instead of 3 stanzas of 5 , you might make it
2 of 5, or even 2 of 4.  And the entry at the last might be shortened as well.
Take out 1/3 of the drugs and 1/2 of the authors?

The "where do I begin?" at the end comes off as a joke of sorts. Not that a joke
is necessarily bad, but it should find the reader agreeable with the poem, not relieved
from having finished it.

The "Where are you from?" shouldn't come at the last; or, at least, not just at the last.
It could be asked at the end of each stanza if you went to two stanzas instead of three.

That said, the lists are well-selected, and certainly brought back memories:
wonderful, complex, nostalgic...  and maybe just a little bit frightening.
Ray

[shurgaree]

Thank you for your suggestions, I'll certainly work them into my poem. off to Colorado for a little road trip & some fun (I'm not from Liverpool), Made a couple quick edits, will look at it more thoroughly when I've got time

[rayheinrich]

Thank you for your suggestions, I'll certainly work them into my poem. off to Colorado for a little road trip & some fun (I'm not from Liverpool), Made a couple quick edits, will look at it more thoroughly when I've got time

Looks good. Have fun in Colorado. Don't spend too much on retro-counter-culture artifacts or,
for that matter, weed. See you when you get back.

[Achebe]

"The River Ganges of Rishikesh and Varanasi
where I saw that beauty could be either see-through turquoise or murky and abrasive, just the same"

to be really pedantic about it, for see-through turquoise, you'll have to venture further upriver beyond devprayag.
liked the "sore bones" line, but "focus" suggests sight, not feeling.

nice read.

[billy]

i did get you were from your experiences and not a place. for me i want it to be a place though i suppose that's unfair of me.

that aside; the edit is a big improvement. sadly you now start most lines with [the] while it does add a kind of rhythm it also takes away from what makes you you.

as suggestion;

Peru's Cordillera Huayhuash in the Andes

is is possible to just start with the place/thing

Yellowdog River of Big Bay

Greatful dead


just use the [the in the first line of each stanza. The list at the end with the question posed diminishes a lot of the poem; it makes it about me and contradicts the title.

[Mcfair]

Ooh, I really love the imagery you provide, but the form distracts – it starts to feel like a litany.  It reminds me of walking down Bourbon Street on a slow night when someone stands at the street entrance of the dance halls swinging the door open so tourists walking by are given a tantalizing glimpse of the exotic dancers on stage – that tactic only works if we can actually come inside to see more…  

I feel some of your lines deserve entire poems of their own, like the "sidetrack slums of New Dehli," the name evokes strong images but you never elaborate beyond vague references to “angles and demons” (cliché) with no connection to the slums.  I want to learn about the slums.  Ditto the "indigenous simplicity" and how this is being crushed.  And Michigan, you return time and again, why?  I want more…  Thanks, I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to more.
Mcfair

[Erthona]

Sorry, not trying to be mean but some of this seems to have an unrealistic over romanticized aspect to it, making it ring somewhat false.

"The Tao Te Ching
         where I stopped resisting the tide;"

Who has stopped resisting the the tide?  Maybe you are an ascended master, but then what are you doing writing poetry on this web site? Sorry, but it just rings false.

" where I saw light through closed kaleidoscopic eyes;"

The only time I have heard the phrase " kaleidoscopic eyes" was used is in the Beatles song. The idea of closed  kaleidoscopic eyes is kind of senseless, even if ones natural eyes were closed the third eye would need to be open to perceive anything. I understand how one can see sunlight through one's eyelids, but that is not what is being said here, so I struggle to find any meaning in this phrase.

A lot of the last seems like name dropping.  " Kerouac, Hesse, Ginsberg, Ishmael, H.H. The Dalai Lama, Hunter S. Thompson, Alan Watts, 180 Degrees South, the sounds of Steve Kimock, the screeches of Pharoah Sanders, etc-"

Of course mostly modernist-beat-post modernist, along with some eclectic musicians with some crossover commonalities at times, kind of a seven degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of deal. I can see these as influences, but since there is nothing said about how they influenced the speaker, then it just becomes a laundry list, thus the feel of name dropping.

I just have a hard time believing that a person could live through all of this, especially the drug use, and come out with this romantic vision of things, and so the poem just seem to ring false in some areas.

I use to read all these books about different places and how wonderful and exotic they were, so I went to some of them. I spent 2 months in Thailand once and although I enjoyed talking with the people who are very open and kind, there was nothing romantic about the environment. It stunk just as bad as any third world country does. There was certainly grace under adversity, and gratitude for even the smallest things, but that did not make the environment any less brutal. Really the only difference between Thailand and Mexico is that American greed had yet to infiltrate Thailand to the same degree as Mexico. Yet, even in Thailand it was creeping in.

"...they wear out his women,
but there are always more women,
when there is baht."

Sorry, this is not exactly a strict critique, but those were the things that in the end kept me from taking this as seriously as I though was the intent of the writer.


Best,

Dale

[shurgaree]

Sorry, not trying to be mean but some of this seems to have an unrealistic over romanticized aspect to it, making it ring somewhat false.

1) "The Tao Te Ching
         where I stopped resisting the tide;"

Who has stopped resisting the the tide?  Maybe you are an ascended master, but then what are you doing writing poetry on this web site? Sorry, but it just rings false.

2. (" where I saw light through closed kaleidoscopic eyes;"

The only time I have heard the phrase " kaleidoscopic eyes" was used is in the Beatles song. The idea of closed  kaleidoscopic eyes is kind of senseless, even if ones natural eyes were closed the third eye would need to be open to perceive anything. I understand how one can see sunlight through one's eyelids, but that is not what is being said here, so I struggle to find any meaning in this phrase.)

3. I just have a hard time believing that a person could live through all of this, especially the drug use, and come out with this romantic vision of things, and so the poem just seem to ring false in some areas.

4. I use to read all these books about different places and how wonderful and exotic they were, so I went to some of them. I spent 2 months in Thailand once and although I enjoyed talking with the people who are very open and kind, there was nothing romantic about the environment. It stunk just as bad as any third world country does. There was certainly grace under adversity, and gratitude for even the smallest things, but that did not make the environment any less brutal. Really the only difference between Thailand and Mexico is that American greed had yet to infiltrate Thailand to the same degree as Mexico. Yet, even in Thailand it was creeping in.

Numbered your comments. I do appreciate your critique but you're making some assumptions that are false. It's also clear we're very different people... This is more of a person v. person reply than poet vs. critique for the record.

1) I read the Tao De Ching during a very very heavy semester of college where I was either drinking to forget about school, stressfully considering my future, or studying my ass off to hopefully transfer to an Ivy League (I never ended up transferring, thank fuck). Usually I'm a pretty mellow person, but this particular semester really got to me. I can't recall how it happened but I got my hands on Stephen Mitchell's translation of the Tao De Ching and holy shit, it woke me up from whatever daze I was caught in. It was a remarkable change- those 84 poems, as much of a before/after difference as a strong psychedelic trip (we'll get to that). Stopped resisting the tide is about trying to do anything more than "be" - to just exist happily rather than doing more than my mind could handle. I'm no master, I'm just a person who learned a hell of a lot from this book.

2) You're not understanding the phase because you have never done psychedelics (I'm making assumptions, but if you've done enough you'd understand that line). They'll show you light through closed kaleidoscopic eyes, literally, and a lot lot more.

3) Everything in this poem is very much real. I've been to all the stated places and have had all those experiences. I could prove it to you if need be, but it shouldn't be hard to accept it as truth. I'd label this poem completely non-fiction.

4) We clearly think very differently about the places we go. "it stunk as bad as any 3rd world country" - you're better off not leaving your house with that attitude. I've spent 4 months in India, 2 weeks in Nepal, and over a month in Peru, and I found extraordinary beauty in all those places/the people of those places. You need to be more open minded - things don't need to be flowery and peaceful to be beautiful. I'm a person who loves the gritty aspect of traveling/unknown adventures, and 3rd world countries is precisely where I find those things. I love delicious street food, smoking hash in slums, drinking with locals, etc. Plus the fact that all those countries are BEAUTIFUL if you like nature.

Thank you Dale and thanks to everybody else for your comments/suggestions. I'll consider them all and revise accordingly

[PoetCraft]

A journey through books and places and drugs and bands and people and stuff. You present me a big, worldly picture. Like your list much. Enjoy all the lines!

But the poem ends too abruptly. Something is missing and you didn't bring it out. I feel difficult to echo with your ending question "Where are you from?".

[Erthona]

shurgaree,

No, I did all the drugs, enough for retirement now had I had it all back. I did my travels mostly after I quit using. While your using and it is still working things do look much like you describe. when you're not and reality steps in; things become a bit more visceral, more fearful and one notices the negatives more. Drugs are a great fear suppressor, so I know exactly what you are talking about. But you were right, I did not critique the poem from the perspective of someone who was on drugs. As a general rule I critique poems as they stand on their own. The involvement of the writer ceases as the last character hits the page. How could it be any other way. The reader does not know the writer, all they have is the poem. I still stand by my " kaleidoscopic eyes" comment. even with the external eyes closed the inner eyes must be open, but there is nothing to say this is part of a drug experience. Yes, you say 10 lines earlier that you took LSD, is the reader suppose to make the connection. I've used hallucinogens and had all kinds of experiences and except for "DMT" there is little predicting what one will experience. So it seems as is often the case you are projecting common experiences from a small subgroup to the rest of the world and that simply neither rational or valid. So sure, it is mentioned in a Beatles song related to LSD, but even according to them it had nothing to do with taking the drug. I was also a counselor for 20+ years and did thousands of psy-socials, a large part with drug addicts, as I worked with duel diagnosis patients, and such a description never came up, nor was it ever mentioned in the thousands of pages of area specific literature which I read.
I am not saying this to be mean, just to point out this is a stumbling block for all younger poets (first ten years or so), that they assume the reader knows what they know.

In terms of the "Tao Te Ching" it is knowledge to learn the words and become acquainted with pictures of balance, it is quit another to achieve it. Euphoria is just another form of attachment.

In terms of the places you have been, I am envious, I just missed out on going to Nepal. Although since we were suppose ti fly into that airstrip that goes uphill and is considered the worlds deadliest maybe I'm not so sad. Also, don't get me wrong, I have loved the places I have gone, they were just not the places in the books, but the people were wonderful, ans as you said the food is fun. Although I am generally cautious of street vendors in Mexico. Of course I am too old and infirmed for any traveling anymore.

Best,

dale

[shurgaree]

But the poem ends too abruptly. Something is missing and you didn't bring it out. I feel difficult to echo with your ending question "Where are you from?".

A few people have said that. My poem is a long reply to the question "where are you from?", because geographically I've moved around a lot and thus am from many places, but my mind is from many places too. The question is often used in small talk and this is my overly deep reply, though it truly is "where I'm from." The final line is a "oh.. and where are you from?" Not saying it fits in, just my reason for putting it there