A Song About Love [lyrics]

[crow]

#1
12-22-2015, 12:19 PM 

[audio: https://m.soundcloud.com/christopher-you...cals-draft]

A Song About Love

[Verse]
Oh, my love, look what the day's done.
It started off sweet . . .
How have I ended up 
Feeling so achingly incomplete?

Everything I ever wanted
Was right here, between my fingers.
I guess the world must be wicked after all—
It took your smile and made it sting.

[Chorus]
This song is about love, 
How it hurts you to your knees,
Makes, "Come home soon,
"Baby, won't you?,"
Turn to, "Please! Please!"

[Verse]
And what am I 
Supposed to love now?
Must be the pain
Since there's nothing else.

I'm trying to be proud,
But the heart knows how to break:
Where you're strongest,
It just adds memories.

[Chorus, soft]
This song is about love.
It makes your prayers into fragile things,
When what you want most,
It won't let you keep.

[Chorus, loud]
Said, this song is about love,
Makes a man say the strangest things,
Like, "Hallelujah!,"
And, "I want it again."


----------
—Note, the lyrics above differ slightly from the audio. But the ones above are the more recent draft.

—also, I posted this in misc, but should've posted here. My intention is to get this as close to "great" as possible, and then to get it recorded professionally as part of an audition package I can use to get a job with, so any comments, big or small, that I can use to make this a better song lyrically, I'd be happy to hear 'em.

[ellajam]

Hi, Crow.  Honestly it doesn't do much for me and I'm pretty surprised that such an innovative poet is putting this effort into what for me is mostly a string of cliches. What up with that? Others may feel differently, but I've put some notes below to try to walk you through my experience with it.

#1
12-22-2015, 12:19 PM 

[audio: [color=#0072bc]https://m.soundcloud.com/christopher-you...cals-draft]

A Song About Love

[Verse]
Oh, my love, look what the day's done.
It started off sweet . . .
How have I ended up 
Feeling so achingly incomplete?
Nothing new here, especially achingly incomplete. You're telling me, not making me feel it. I heard Dan Fogelberg's Same Old Lang Syne this morning, still aching from it.

Everything I ever wanted
Was right here, between my fingers. For me, not far enough from "in my hand" to keep it from cliche.
I guess the world must be wicked after all— Wicked world, cliche.
It took your smile and made it sting. First line that touched me.

[Chorus]
This song is about love, 
How it hurts you to your knees,
Makes, "Come home soon,
"Baby, won't you?,"
Turn to, "Please! Please!" Meh, okay but not a knockout.

[Verse]
And what am I 
Supposed to love now?
Must be the pain
Since there's nothing else.
Nothing new here.

I'm trying to be proud,
But the heart knows how to break:
Where you're strongest,
It just adds memories.
Again, nothing grabs my interest.

[Chorus, soft]
This song is about love.
It makes your prayers into fragile things, Are prayers often other than fragile, especially in heartbreak?
When what you want most,
It won't let you keep.
That's life.

[Chorus, loud]
Said, this song is about love,
Makes a man say the strangest things,
Like, "Hallelujah!,"
And, "I want it again."
Yes, but nothing new.

I've spent much of my spare time this week on repeated viewings/listenings to Adele in Concert and John Lennon's 75th Birthday Concert. I expect a lot from lyrics right now. I hope my notes help, have a wonderful holiday and new year.

[crow]

Yeah, I was going for schlocky. Which raises the question, why am I looking for feedback . . .

I guess, I'm in a weird place regarding lyrics just now, because there seems to be an appetite for iterative lines, twists that make an old thing seem new, like a Dillard's catalogue.

Your reference to Adele is fitting, as her most recent work is her most facile, and I was trying to write something like it.

Be careful what you wish for, maybe. I'm pretty turned around, honestly.

[ellajam]

Yeah, I was going for schlocky. Which raises the question, why am I looking for feedback . . .

I guess, I'm in a weird place regarding lyrics just now, because there seems to be an appetite for iterative lines, twists that make an old thing seem new, like a Dillard's catalogue.

Your reference to Adele is fitting, as her most recent work is her most facile, and I was trying to write something like it.

Be careful what you wish for, maybe. I'm pretty turned around, honestly.

I found Adele's melodies interesting but what both she and Lennon (excuse the mention in the same breath) have is they can take simple lyrics and create a river of emotion under them. Can't get more simple than

Mamma, don't go
Daddy, come home

Heartbreaker. Fogelberg's is a simple thing but the images stick and it leaves me with an appropriate emptiness. I don't songwrite, just thought I'd take a swing at this.

[crow]

ellajam—can't tell you how helpful this answer has been. Soooo orienting. Thank you x 10.

[tectak]

#1
12-22-2015, 12:19 PM 

[audio: https://m.soundcloud.com/christopher-you...cals-draft]

A Song About Love

[Verse]
Oh, my love, look what the day's done.Hyperbolic start reeking of old romanticism and and anguished cliche... but that's the double trouble with love songs and the isolation of lyrics. You gotta have the music. As it is,this stanza is excruciatingly predictable...right down to the appaling rhyme of sweet with incomplete. OK. That's what it does for me...absolutely nothing BUT you know all this already so you need to ask yourself if you really want this to be judged as lyrical poetry or as a commercially challenged song. About songs, I know nothing...about poetry, twice as much...but about subjective excellence, I am shit-hot. So a rewrite is called for...it needs to be much, much cleverer.
It started off sweet . . .
How have I ended up 
Feeling so achingly incomplete?

Everything I ever wanted
Was right here, between my fingers. In trying to avoid the "in my hands" cliche, you end up with an absurdity. Between my fingers? What can you mean? If it IS a song then one can expect and accept that mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy but that does not excuse accidental nonsense. If you really read what you write surely, crow, you can see how weak this is. The closing lines of this stanza have no reason, poetically, to be as meaningless as they are. It is just not you.
I guess the world must be wicked after all—
It took your smile and made it sting.

[Chorus]
This song is about love, 
How it hurts you to your knees,
Makes, "Come home soon,
"Baby, won't you?,"
Turn to, "Please! Please!" Absolutely dreadfull in every way imaginable and in some ways I cannot imagine. What IS this?

[Verse]
And what am I 
Supposed to love now?
Must be the pain
Since there's nothing else. Not interesting enough to continue. You are better than this. CONCENTRATE on the excellence of the lyrics or the song will be like a million others. Hurts me to my knees to say it.....sheeesh.

I'm trying to be proud,
But the heart knows how to break:
Where you're strongest,
It just adds memories.

[Chorus, soft]
This song is about love.
It makes your prayers into fragile things,
When what you want most,
It won't let you keep.

[Chorus, loud]
Said, this song is about love,
Makes a man say the strangest things,
Like, "Hallelujah!,"
And, "I want it again."

A suggestion on lyrics. Make each stanza a cameo. Find a subtle point on the nuances of love and then contra the point in the chorus....play two parts, the one who loves blindly and unconditionally and the contra-chorus a hard reality check.


----------
—Note, the lyrics above differ slightly from the audio. But the ones above are the more recent draft.

—also, I posted this in misc, but should've posted here. My intention is to get this as close to "great" as possible, and then to get it recorded professionally as part of an audition package I can use to get a job with, so any comments, big or small, that I can use to make this a better song lyrically, I'd be happy to hear 'em.

[crow]

#1
12-22-2015, 12:19 PM 

[audio: https://m.soundcloud.com/christopher-you...cals-draft]

A Song About Love

[Verse]
Oh, my love, look what the day's done.Hyperbolic start reeking of old romanticism and and anguished cliche... but that's the double trouble with love songs and the isolation of lyrics. You gotta have the music. As it is,this stanza is excruciatingly predictable...right down to the appaling rhyme of sweet with incomplete. OK. That's what it does for me...absolutely nothing BUT  you know all this already so you need to ask yourself if you really want this to be judged as lyrical poetry or as a commercially challenged song. About songs, I know nothing...about poetry, twice as much...but about  subjective excellence, I am shit-hot. So a rewrite is  called for...it needs to be much, much cleverer.
It started off sweet . . .
How have I ended up 
Feeling so achingly incomplete?

Everything I ever wanted
Was right here, between my fingers. In trying to avoid the "in my hands" cliche, you end up with an absurdity. Between my fingers? What can you mean? If it IS a song then one can expect and accept that mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy but that does not excuse accidental nonsense. If you really read what you write surely, crow, you can see how weak this is. The closing lines of this stanza have no reason, poetically, to be as meaningless as they are. It is just not you.
I guess the world must be wicked after all—
It took your smile and made it sting.

[Chorus]
This song is about love, 
How it hurts you to your knees,
Makes, "Come home soon,
"Baby, won't you?,"
Turn to, "Please! Please!" Absolutely dreadfull in every way imaginable and in some ways I cannot imagine. What IS this?

[Verse]
And what am I 
Supposed to love now?
Must be the pain
Since there's nothing else. Not interesting enough to continue. You are better than this. CONCENTRATE on the excellence of the lyrics or the  song will be like a million others. Hurts me to my knees to say it.....sheeesh.

I'm trying to be proud,
But the heart knows how to break:
Where you're strongest,
It just adds memories.

[Chorus, soft]
This song is about love.
It makes your prayers into fragile things,
When what you want most,
It won't let you keep.

[Chorus, loud]
Said, this song is about love,
Makes a man say the strangest things,
Like, "Hallelujah!,"
And, "I want it again."

A suggestion on lyrics. Make each stanza a cameo. Find a subtle point on the nuances of love and then contra the point in the chorus....play two parts, the one who loves blindly and unconditionally and the contra-chorus a hard reality check.


----------
—Note, the lyrics above differ slightly from the audio. But the ones above are the more recent draft.

—also, I posted this in misc, but should've posted here. My intention is to get this as close to "great" as possible, and then to get it recorded professionally as part of an audition package I can use to get a job with, so any comments, big or small, that I can use to make this a better song lyrically, I'd be happy to hear 'em.

God, this is nice to hear. Great to have a second source of aggressive distaste and contempt. 

You can tell, yeah?, that this was an attempt to do something "people" would like? It's heartwarming that, at least here, people hate reading it as much as I struggled writing it. Meaning, practically speaking, it's nice to know I'll never have to write anything like this again.

I'll stand by it to this extent: it was worth trying. It took forever and that should've been a signal that I was doing something gross. I'm also humbled to hear "It isn't you." Ditto similar notes from Ellajam. Thanks for the faith. (If any of this response sounded sarcastic, here's assurances that I mean all this sincerely. Thank you thank you )