Why, Poetry?
#1
An elegance of words best left to salons, where
forgotten jargon meets white font. Truth there
Is malleable, and life is altogether amenable:
To fallacy. What power, then, is in beautiful
Words? Apparently, abandoned to the artful,

Of empty galleries, and tasteless experiences;
Or in dusty books, made of shredded covers.

Indeed, poetry is a lost art, in an encoded society
Where technology, knowingly and gleefully,
Annuls. The human soul. Where are stars,
If not stolen by stars - adorned in expensive cars?

Tattered, stuttered, uttered syllables scrambling,
For notoriety, with no empirical value; intoning
Chants. Or are they simply rants, in broken
Trance? Too often good art can be mistaken,

For soggy graffiti on dry concrete ... tattooed walls.
Where is poetry, if not neglected, in celled walls
Of Spanish doctors, and religious mystics?
Is poetry intellectual mysticism, or, perhaps, too cryptic?

Words dance, sights glance, pages clanked!
Omitted to the obsolete ruins, of destitute cranks.
Reply
#2
(12-08-2015, 04:30 AM)ThePen Wrote:  Should it be Why, Poetry? or Why Poetry? You are not addressing the personification of poetry directly anywhere in the poem.

An elegance of words best left to salons, where 
forgotten jargon meets white font. Truth there...'black font'?
Is malleable, and life is altogether amenable: ... No colon
To fallacy. What power, then, is in beautiful ... pointless 'then'
Words? Apparently, abandoned to the artful,

Of empty galleries, and tasteless experiences; 
Or in dusty books, made of shredded covers. ... from 'apparently' to here I can't discern a logical statement. The power in beautiful words is "Apparently, abandoned to the artful, of empty galleries or in dusty books". It might work better with: "Apparently, none. They are (remember, words are plural) abandoned to the artful, to empty galleries, etc." Not that words are abandoned to galleries, but you get my drift.

Indeed, it is a lost art, in an encoded society ... replace 'it' with 'poetry' or equivalent, otherwise it's confusing (you were talking about 'words' in the stanza before)
Where technology, knowingly and gleefully, ... 'technology' is generally seen as automatic and a-human, so 'knowingly' looks odd....but it's your POV so ok. 
Annuls. The human soul. Where are stars,  
If not stolen by stars - adorned in expensive cars? ... is this a pun on movie stars? good heavens, if so. if not, then I can't fathom what you're trying to say here.

Tattered, stuttered, uttered syllables scrambling,
For notoriety, with no empirical value; intoning
Chants. Or are they simply rants, in broken
Trance? Too often good art can be mistaken,  ... 'rants' would more logically be 'in trance'. If the trance is broken, then they are simply rants in a normal state of mind...the transparent attempt to rhyme detracts from the line.

For soggy graffiti on dry concrete ... tattooed walls.
Where is poetry, if not neglected, in celled walls ... 'walled cells' might make sense still, but what are 'celled walls'?
Of Spanish doctors, and religious mystics?
Is poetry intellectual mysticism, or, perhaps, too cryptic? ... 'just plain cryptic' is better than 'too cryptic', since it is then not clear what the 'too' is a comparison with...intellectual mysticism? that's pretty cryptic too. Wait, what is intellectual mysticism? is it different than religious mysticism? dodgy phrase.

Words dance, sights glance, pages clanked!
Omitted to the obsolete ruins, of destitute cranks. 'the ruins of cranks' - what, their corpses? Don't understand this one.

Negatives:-
Possible loss of continuity between certain stanzas 
some of the lines don't make sense - reason at the cost of rhyme.

Positives:-
The flaws are nothing that a little editing wouldn't fix.
A good title. A title with potential.

EDIT - I edited this crit as my earlier one was based on an imperfect reading of the text.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Reply
#3
(12-08-2015, 04:30 AM)ThePen Wrote:  An elegance of words best left to salons, where
forgotten jargon meets white font. Truth there
Is malleable, and life is altogether amenable:
To fallacy. What power, then, is in beautiful
Words? Apparently, abandoned to the artful,

Of empty galleries, and tasteless experiences;
Or in dusty books, made of shredded covers. This stanza sticks out because it doesn't employ end-rhyme.

Indeed, poetry is a lost art, in an encoded society
Where technology, knowingly and gleefully,
Annuls. The human soul. Where are stars,
If not stolen by stars - adorned in expensive cars? I like this visual switch from general/sky stars to celebrity stars.

Tattered, stuttered, uttered syllables scrambling,
For notoriety, with no empirical value; intoning
Chants. Or are they simply rants, in broken
Trance? Too often good art can be mistaken,

For soggy graffiti on dry concrete ... tattooed walls.
Where is poetry, if not neglected, in celled walls Using the same word ('walls') twice in a row also sticks out. As a rhyme, it sounds a bit hollow to me.
Of Spanish doctors, and religious mystics?
Is poetry intellectual mysticism, or, perhaps, too cryptic?

Words dance, sights glance, pages clanked!
Omitted to the obsolete ruins, of destitute cranks.
Reply
#4
Quote:"Indeed, poetry is a lost art"
In some forms perhaps. After all the poets who wrote the better known artful poetry are dead and can no longer produce. I can't say that I miss it but if you do, well then you do that's all. Cadillac poetry is still around, your own is a classy enough piece. Me? I'm a rusty Chevrolet that only gets noticed when I park between two Cadillacs.



Regards from Max Cool
Reply
#5
I've especially enjoyed the central message of this poem, and the literary devices that are used to convey this message.
I particularly liked the imagery of the stars smoothly transitioned into the image of being "adorned in expensive cars?". There could be a slight reference the celebrities dominating the entertainment sector, and that appreciation for poetry has been lost in the appreciation of today's movie stars and celebrities driving those "expensive cars". However, this is a very far-fetched train of thought and is difficult to interpret what you're actually trying to convey.
Furthermore, the repetition of the word "wall" in the penultimate stanza disrupts the flow of the poem, and especially stands out when its preceding two rhyming couplets but can be easily fixed. Overall, I've enjoyed reading the poem and suggest it just needs to be polished in certain areas.
Reply
#6
Overall, I like it. It is definitely a thoughtful poem with an interesting overall message. There are some weird grammatical problems (ronsaik covered them well in his post), and some of the imagery is a little confusing or non-sensical to me. I think there is a fine line between ambiguity and nonsense that can be difficult to find.

Just some quick individual thoughts:

1) What is white font?

2) Removing some line breaks, you have the following sentence: "Apparently, abandoned to the artful, Of empty galleries, and tasteless experiences; Or in dusty books, made of shredded covers." I find this a bit confusing. The "abandoned to the artful" doesn't seem to connect with the next two lines, though you present them as a single thought. Is this a grammatical mistake? I can't really tell what you're going for there.

3) Third line of the third stanza: Why are "annuls" and "the human soul" presented as separate sentences? Shouldn't you remove the period there? After all, it seems you are saying technology is anulling the soul, so why separate those thoughts that way?

4) The last two lines, while they sound kind of cool, don't seem to make any real sense to me.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!