Signs

[QDeathstar]

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form


I am a big fan of this poem, by only issue, a major issue, is that the last two lines just fall completely flat compared to the rest of the poem, they feel like a modification of "the end" I think the poem is more powerful without them at all.


Edit 1

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
Her brightness diminished(naturally).
She grew like a star to supernova
until finally, she exploded;

he, without form.
She, without form.



Original


In her palm she held Fire
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned.
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
He doused her brightness,
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded;

He, without form.
She, without form.

[browtm7]

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.
 
Beautiful!

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.
 
free-flowing or unconstrained. Both are not needed.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.
 
I love the use of “curiously” here. I see her head tilt and a “hmm?” in her eyes. Beautiful!
 
I don’t understand why she is confused though. Water douses fire. What I could see confusing her would be her growth into an exploding supernova. Water douses flame, not the other way around.
 
So maybe something along the lines of:
 
Bemused, she grew like a star,
like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.


he without form
She without form
 
These lines throw me off because of the separation of “he” and “She”. At this point I see them combined into an explosion of free-floating, molten lava which is formless yes, but not separate.
 
Thank you for sharing it.
 
TB  

[Weeded]

Wow, thanks for all the feedback! This is so nice to come back to(if you knew where I've been this past week you'd agree -_-), looks like I got some work to do aha here goes nothin,

TSlate,
It seems nobody likes the last lines! Haha I'll work on it, thanks.

HungryAlways,
Finally someone who thinks like me lol. Life/relationships dont gotta be all bout sex and edit the last lines, check

Shurgaree
I briefly checked out terrapin station, its like a 15 minute song man what the hell! naw but ima listen to it sometime it sounded real nice, I'm definitely going to take your suggestion on 'confused,' and you dont like the ending either?

Naima,
I like your idea on the line breaks, I might incorporate a couple of em i have no idea what pit spaces are lol ill google it though, thanks!

Q,
You dont like the end either what the hell?!

Brow,
Thank you for the suggestions, I see what you mean on the 'confused' part. Ill work on it

Again thanks all for the suggestions, they've been infinitely relevant in my space of time.
Mike

[REW]

Hi,  

In your piece down below I have some suggested edits in the form of things I think could be cut and one area of rewording.  My main criticism for you is with your title.  I do not think your title indicates much to the reader (or at least me).  I saw in your comment that this is intended to be about astrological signs in the sky, astronomy.  I did not get that because the title didn't tell me much.  Just signs is not specific enough IMO.  Once I know that this is literally about astronomy, this piece is romantic in a love story kind of way.  Without me knowing that this was about actual stars I found it strange and sexual like Billy with the flame and the explosion.  So with some clarity added to the title I think this is good with some trimming needed here and there.

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like into a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form

Edit 1

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
Her brightness diminished(naturally).
She grew like a star to supernova
until  finally, she exploded;

he, without form.
She, without form.



Original


In her palm she held Fire
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned.
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
He doused her brightness,
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded;

He, without form.
She, without form.

[Weeded]

Hi,  

In your piece down below I have some suggested edits in the form of things I think could be cut and one area of rewording.  My main criticism for you is with your title.  I do not think your title indicates much to the reader (or at least me).  I saw in your comment that this is intended to be about astrological signs in the sky, astronomy.  I did not get that because the title didn't tell me much.  Just signs is not specific enough IMO.  Once I know that this is literally about astronomy, this piece is romantic in a love story kind of way.  Without me knowing that this was about actual stars I found it strange and sexual like Billy with the flame and the explosion.  So with some clarity added to the title I think this is good with some trimming needed here and there.

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like into a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form

Edit 1

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
Her brightness diminished(naturally).
She grew like a star to supernova
until  finally, she exploded;

he, without form.
She, without form.



Original


In her palm she held Fire
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned.
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
He doused her brightness,
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded;

He, without form.
She, without form.

Casey,
Thanks for the feedback. I agree with you on the title, it was a very lazy choice for a title if I must say. I personally think of the movie Signs everytime I see it lol... but I'll definitely take your suggestions into account on the next edit, thanks again

[PoetCraft]

I like Edit 2 more. A really hot poem I seldom read about. Hope if my tricks can help:

Edit 2

In her palm (she held fire) --> "sets her on fire"
so bright; searing light on display --> burning so bright, so recklessly,
so all could see,
but (none could touch). --> "so inviolable".

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to (touch) her (incandescent) flame. --> "embrace", "blazing flame"
In his hand he held water, --> He comes in fluids (liquids?)
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness (diminished). --> get turbid.
She grew like a star, like a supernova --> She's raised as a baby star, once a supernova
until finally, she exploded. --> in the end, she blows up.

he without form
She without form

[will]

A striking poem, impressed here.

One tweak that struck me is changing the modal verb in line 4, like this.

"so all could see,
but none might touch."

It sounds a tiny bit better to me, and "might" carries the notion of permissibility in a more abstract way than could.

[Weeded]

Poet,
Thanks for your suggestions, those are some great eye-openers and will definitely help in my next revision! But first I must learn what inviolable(sounds like some form of violate) and turbid(idk why but instantly thought of turbo-chargers when I read this ) means. Hehe.

Will,
I see what you mean with these two lines, definitely a better way to phrase it but hmm not quite my style... You've made me think nonetheless so I thank you for that!
mike