Posts: 11
Threads: 5
Joined: Sep 2015
One more bag
To put me right
Downward spiral
Dizzying flight
Meet me at the bottom
Where emptiness prevails
We'll plot our course
And set our sails
We'll make love gently
Or we could just fuck
We'll try to fly
But find ourselves stuck
My heart beats slow
Your pulse grows weak
Our demons stirr
And begin to speak
This heat in our stomach
Poisons warm embrace
Death moves in
And shows its face
Absolute randomness of reality
Posts: 14
Threads: 3
Joined: Nov 2015
(10-11-2015, 01:45 PM)Stateofmind Wrote: One more bag
To put me right
Downward spiral
Dizzying flight
Meet me at the bottom
Where emptiness prevails
We'll plot our course
And set our sails
Prevail seems like a strong word for emptiness to commit to. I do like the invitation to what sounds like "rock bottom" though. The darkness is very seductive indeed.
We'll make love gently
Or we could just fuck
We'll try to fly
But find ourselves stuck
Rhythm seems a little forced here. I'd like to know why they're stuck.
My heart beats slow
Your pulse grows weak
Our demons stirr
And begin to speak
Whoa! This line, on its own, is a real heavy hitter, it definitely doesn't need the modification.
if you really want to, maybe just make it bold in the same size as the rest of the type. The huge typeface is almost visually offensive.
This heat in our stomach
Poisons warm embrace
Death moves in
And shows its face
Sort of a vague ending. Maybe elaborate on these sensations: is the heat only in their stomachs? Is it spreading through their bodies?
What is the poison doing to them?
It's nice and brief, and the imagery is decent, but personally I think it could use some fleshing out.
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
(10-11-2015, 01:45 PM)Stateofmind Wrote: One more bag
To put me right
Downward spiral
Dizzying flight
Meet me at the bottom
Where emptiness prevails
We'll plot our course
And set our sails
We'll make love gently
Or we could just fuck
We'll try to fly
But find ourselves stuck
My heart beats slow
Your pulse grows weak
Our demons stirr
And begin to speak
This heat in our stomach
Poisons warm embrace
Death moves in
And shows its face
since this is 'Misc', you're not after detailed crit.
my issue with this poem is that it's a set of disjointed stanzas with an over-use of unconnected metaphors (crashing plane, sailing, then something about dying and demons, and then dying). even after reading it several times, I'm not sure whether the entire poem is in fact about the plane crash metaphor. if so, then S2 makes zero sense. and sure, you can have your inner demons speak generally, but what's that got to do with the plane crash metaphor?
reason has been sacrificed for rhyme in several places.
