Distance

[Mcfair]

Distance
 
Long before I knew
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead
by the gleam of white capped
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them
as an easy flight to fly. 
 
It seems time’s quality was  
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. 
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye.
 

[Naima.m]

this poem was very beautiful in a simple kind of way. I really liked it. I think that you should put a space in stanza 2 line 2 between then and "when glimpses "because of the comma it would just read better in my opinion . And also i would put a space between blurred & and. In line 3 stanza 3
and also i would put a space between meant and or in line 2 stanza 1
And in line 8 stanza one i would break off there and begin a new stanza . Also line. 1 stanza 2 iwould write it more like " it seems as though the quality of time," i would write the first line like that then put a space for the next line.
Overall though i really like this poem, Especially the ending it was sort of sad in a melancholic way?
Im not sure how to describe it . It just seems sort of gloomy but in a good way. It was a nice read and i enjoyed it. (:

[Achebe]

Distance
 
Long before I knew
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,..... the rest of the poem never comes back to these two lines, so they seem out of place
I was like a young sparrow
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead ....'instead' of what? I think it can be dropped
by the gleam of white capped ...cliched
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them
as an easy flight to fly.  ....I doubt very much if sparrows look at mountains and want to fly to them. It might work better if you switched to a general observation here, dropping the sparrow directly, with something like 'in the distance / the white mountains / an easy flight for fools'
 
It seems time’s quality was   ....'quality skewed' is a bit abstract. Though used all the time in regular speech, it seems weak in a poem 
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as  ....I would use a different word than 'insubstantial', since peaks seem anything but that. an equivalent of 'easy to fly to' would refer back to the theme of S1 and complete the loop
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. 
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye. ....nice
 

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. Spoke in particular to my mood this morning.
The suggest tweaks are minor and not mandatory. Sometimes a flawed poem that speaks from the heart works just as well.

[milo]

Distance
 
Long before I knew
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead
by the gleam of white capped
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them
as an easy flight to fly. 
 
It seems time’s quality was  
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. 
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye.
 

What criteria are you using to select these line breaks.  It seems like you are measuring them out like pieces of lumber.

[Mcfair]

this poem was very beautiful in a simple kind of way. I really liked it. I think that you should put a space in stanza 2 line 2 between then and "when glimpses "because of the comma it would just read better in my opinion . And also i would put a space between blurred & and. In line 3 stanza 3
and also i would put a space between meant and or in line 2 stanza 1
And in line 8 stanza one i would break off there and begin a new stanza . Also line. 1 stanza 2 iwould write it more like " it seems as though the quality of time," i would write the first line like that then put a space for the next line.
Overall though i really like this poem, Especially the ending it was sort of sad in a melancholic way?
Im not sure how to describe it . It just seems sort of gloomy but in a good way. It was a nice read and i enjoyed it. (:

Thank you so much for your input - punctuation is one of the things I agonize over the most, that and line breaks.  I will consider your suggestions when I make my revisions.    Mcfair

---

Distance
 
Long before I knew
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,..... the rest of the poem never comes back to these two lines, so they seem out of place
I was like a young sparrow
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead ....'instead' of what? I think it can be dropped
by the gleam of white capped ...cliched
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them
as an easy flight to fly.  ....I doubt very much if sparrows look at mountains and want to fly to them. It might work better if you switched to a general observation here, dropping the sparrow directly, with something like 'in the distance / the white mountains / an easy flight for fools'
 
It seems time’s quality was   ....'quality skewed' is a bit abstract. Though used all the time in regular speech, it seems weak in a poem 
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as  ....I would use a different word than 'insubstantial', since peaks seem anything but that. an equivalent of 'easy to fly to' would refer back to the theme of S1 and complete the loop
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. 
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye. ....nice
 

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. Spoke in particular to my mood this morning.
The suggest tweaks are minor and not mandatory. Sometimes a flawed poem that speaks from the heart works just as well.

I only have a second right now, but wanted to acknowledge your thoughtful response - I'll be back.  Thanks!  Mcfair

---

Distance
 
Long before I knew
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead
by the gleam of white capped
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them
as an easy flight to fly. 
 
It seems time’s quality was  
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. 
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye.
 

What criteria are you using to select these line breaks.  It seems like you are measuring them out like pieces of lumber.

Well, thank you (I think) for your insight - you made me really analyze what I did, which is what I am asking for here.  There are a few different  criteria I use for deciding where line breaks, but in this case I broke the stanzas the way I did based on the age of the narrator - the first stanza describing things she could not, or did not know when she was a very young adult.  The second stanza for when she starts to rethink many of the things she thought she knew.  And the last stanza for when she reached a new understanding that could only come with age.  As for the individual line breaks, after reading the poem out loud many times, I settled on these breaks, based on those places I felt would benefit from a hard break, both because of the way it sounds, and based on the content of the line.  What criteria do you think would work better?  Thank you again...

---

Distance
 
Long before I knew
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,..... the rest of the poem never comes back to these two lines, so they seem out of place
I was like a young sparrow
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead ....'instead' of what? I think it can be dropped
by the gleam of white capped ...cliched
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them
as an easy flight to fly.  ....I doubt very much if sparrows look at mountains and want to fly to them. It might work better if you switched to a general observation here, dropping the sparrow directly, with something like 'in the distance / the white mountains / an easy flight for fools'
 
It seems time’s quality was   ....'quality skewed' is a bit abstract. Though used all the time in regular speech, it seems weak in a poem 
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as  ....I would use a different word than 'insubstantial', since peaks seem anything but that. an equivalent of 'easy to fly to' would refer back to the theme of S1 and complete the loop
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. 
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye. ....nice
 

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. Spoke in particular to my mood this morning.
The suggest tweaks are minor and not mandatory. Sometimes a flawed poem that speaks from the heart works just as well.

Lines 3 and 4 are describing the way young people can sometimes make rash decisions with great confidence, thinking they know all there is to know.  But you know what they say, if you have to explain it, you are not doing it right 

Line 10, you are probably right, I will try and rephrase this in my edit
Line 11, you are most definitely right – it has to go

Line 14, hmmm, maybe you are right and I am carrying the sparrow thing too far, I have to think about it

Lines 15 & 16 trying to describe the different way young, middle-aged and older people perceive time (explaining again…)

Lines 20 through 22 – Where I come from, it’s mostly flat and I had to drive across country for the first time.  I remember driving forever through the plains and then way, way off in the distance I started to see something on the horizon but wasn’t sure at first if it was just clouds  (After living out west for a number of years and then moving back, for the longest time, I’d initially mistake dramatic cloud formations for mountains.)

Thank you again for your time and considerable efforts – now I have to do my next draft…

[PoetCraft]

How about:

1. likening "time’s quality" to a torrent, stream or river? The imagery "skewed back" then sounds vivider.

2. "visions" instead of "thoughts" of my future?

3. "misty", "foggy", "cloudy"... instead of "insubstantial" to express your mental state?

4. "barren planet" instead of "featureless plain"

I like your last stance much. You try to capture the subtle difference "between then and now" in poetry. Good observation.

[milo]

What criteria are you using to select these line breaks.  It seems like you are measuring them out like pieces of lumber.

Well, thank you (I think) for your insight - you made me really analyze what I did, which is what I am asking for here.  There are a few different  criteria I use for deciding where line breaks, but in this case I broke the stanzas the way I did based on the age of the narrator - the first stanza describing things she could not, or did not know when she was a very young adult.  The second stanza for when she starts to rethink many of the things she thought she knew.  And the last stanza for when she reached a new understanding that could only come with age.  As for the individual line breaks, after reading the poem out loud many times, I settled on these breaks, based on those places I felt would benefit from a hard break, both because of the way it sounds, and based on the content of the line.  What criteria do you think would work better?  Thank you again...

---

Line breaks are actually pretty important in poetry.  We have had several discussions on this very site on both the importance of them and what criteria might be used to select them.  The word that ends a line in poetry gets the most emphasis on the line so at the very least, the importance or impact of the word should be used in the selection.  Some go the the extreme of only breaking on words that point to the central metaphor.  line breaks can be used to add double entendre, controlled ambiguity and even create subtle metaphors simply through the line break.  Most poetry books will have a chapter or 2 on breaks or enjambment alone.  Most people would say never to break on prepositions or conjunctions.  Some would continue to suggest only breaking on nouns or verbs (the power words in poetry.)

Breaking on a word like "or" or breaking a thought  up with

 . . .has little
to do . . .

show s a certain disrespect to your reader and to the poem.

I would suggest you at least give it some thought as it will improve all of your poetry immensely.

[Todd]

Hello McFair,

A couple other comments for you.

I think you need to first address interest. Your title, while providing a slight echo with your conclusion, is really flat. Your first line also needs to work harder to build interest. The reader needs to be drawn in.

The poem to me has a lot of bolted on wiser reflections that could work if they were the payoff to the journey. They feel though a bit preachy and telling as if you are trying to guide the reader too forcefully into how they are to interpret your imagery.

Some comments below in the lines:

Distance
 
Long before I knew--pulling "what older meant," up would improve this line, that said I'm not convinced that's your best starting point. I would probably start with the sparrow putting some thought into it to make the opening more evocative. 
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow--If you do keep your opening as it is watch out for these modifiers. You've already implied by using the past tense and the "what older meant" above that the speaker would be young. Look to cut these types of redundancies. 
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead --This transition doesn't seem to follow cause effect. 
by the gleam of white capped
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them --This is some of that expositional bolted on reflection I mentioned earlier.
as an easy flight to fly. 
 
It seems time’s quality was  --as is this
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry --These two lines could be the poem's heart but they need to be built to more. This is the one place where I feel you have some emotional power you can tap. Needs a better build up though to work.
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. --The repetition doesn't really add anything new for me--even at a slant. 
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye.--But to what purpose? I feel like we don't have any stakes to make this move us.
 

There's something here you can develop, I hope the comments help in some way.

Best,

Todd

[Mcfair]

Hello McFair,

A couple other comments for you.

I think you need to first address interest. Your title, while providing a slight echo with your conclusion, is really flat. Your first line also needs to work harder to build interest. The reader needs to be drawn in.

The poem to me has a lot of bolted on wiser reflections that could work if they were the payoff to the journey. They feel though a bit preachy and telling as if you are trying to guide the reader too forcefully into how they are to interpret your imagery.

Some comments below in the lines:

Distance
 
Long before I knew--pulling "what older meant," up would improve this line, that said I'm not convinced that's your best starting point. I would probably start with the sparrow putting some thought into it to make the opening more evocative. 
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow--If you do keep your opening as it is watch out for these modifiers. You've already implied by using the past tense and the "what older meant" above that the speaker would be young. Look to cut these types of redundancies. 
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead --This transition doesn't seem to follow cause effect. 
by the gleam of white capped
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them --This is some of that expositional bolted on reflection I mentioned earlier.
as an easy flight to fly. 
 
It seems time’s quality was  --as is this
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry --These two lines could be the poem's heart but they need to be built to more. This is the one place where I feel you have some emotional power you can tap. Needs a better build up though to work.
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. --The repetition doesn't really add anything new for me--even at a slant. 
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye.--But to what purpose? I feel like we don't have any stakes to make this move us.
 

There's something here you can develop, I hope the comments help in some way.

Best,

Todd

Wow, thank you, Todd - your comments indeed help and you've given me a lot to think about.  I will take it to heart, its probably going to take me a while to post an edit, but I will be back.  Mcfair

[browtm7]

Long before I knew
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead
by the gleam of white capped
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them
as an easy flight to fly. 
 
Long before I knew what older meant,
or that confidence
has little to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow gathering twigs and hay
bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms.
Her eyes caught instead by the gleam
of white-capped mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them as an easy flight.

 
It seems time’s quality was  
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. 
 
It seems time’s quality was skewed back then,
when glimpses of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future were as insubstantial
as the first sight of peaks
seen across a featureless plain.
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye.
 
The time between then and now has blurred,
and I’m not sure when or how I knew
it was the distance that tricked my eye.
 

Just a couple suggestions for thought and some line break changes for flow…
 
But please know that this is a beautiful piece as is and it touched me on a very personal level… Thank you so much for sharing it.

TB

[Mcfair]

Long before I knew
what older meant, or
that confidence has little
to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow
who gathers twigs and hay
and bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms. 
Her eyes caught instead
by the gleam of white capped
mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them
as an easy flight to fly. 
 
Long before I knew what older meant,
or that confidence
has little to do with what you know,
I was like a young sparrow gathering twigs and hay
bits of twisted twine,
only to build her first nest
too high for late spring storms.
Her eyes caught instead by the gleam
of white-capped mountains far away,
foolishly seeing them as an easy flight.

 
It seems time’s quality was  
skewed back then, when glimpses
of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future
were as insubstantial as
the first sight of peaks seen
across a featureless plain. 
 
It seems time’s quality was skewed back then,
when glimpses of other women’s children
never made me cry
and thoughts of my future were as insubstantial
as the first sight of peaks
seen across a featureless plain.
 
The time
between then and now
has blurred, and
I’m not sure
when or how I knew
it was the distance
that tricked my eye.
 
The time between then and now has blurred,
and I’m not sure when or how I knew
it was the distance that tricked my eye.
 

Just a couple suggestions for thought and some line break changes for flow…
 
But please know that this is a beautiful piece as is and it touched me on a very personal level… Thank you so much for sharing it.

TB

Thank you so much for your kind words...  I'm working on some edits, and appreciate your line break suggestions.

[emyleerose]

I loved all the detail. I think you set the tone very nicely. The only I suggest is in the second stanza I think you should use and instead of or. I think that way it will flow together more.