Hanged Bottle [Edit 1]

[dukealien]

[Image: https://i.imgur.com/pyTNCbl.jpg]

Edit 1

                    Hanged Bottle

Seen from the bank above a rushing creek
this vision, serendipitous, appeared.
A headless reed arched stronger than the rest;
from its tip, tangled, naturally tied,
a bottle dangled by some random chance:
hanged, lynched by misadventure, left for dead.

The vision shifts:  this bottle strung as bait
from some sly, tempting demon’s fishing-pole,
the sort of devil Bosch might have conceived,
stork-beaked and funnel-hatted - with his catch,
damned drunkards, writhing naked in his creel.
But that is not a faith revered today.

Instead we worship nature’s uncaused grace:
the random reed’s support, the vital lace
of duckweed tied, no doubt, in such a knot
as men could not invent, like DNA -
self-organizing majesty, no God
or human thought involved, all-natural.

So there it stands, symbolic installation,
no sign of man (except for that damned bottle).



Original version

                      Hanging Bottle

Seen from the bank above a rushing creek,
this vision, serendipitous, appeared.
A headless reed arched, stronger than the rest,
and from its tip, knot naturally tied,
there dangled, by some random, weedy string,
a bottle left for dead, hung by the neck.

What did it mean?  A bottle hung like bait,
from some sly, tempting demon’s fishing-pole,
the sort of devil Bosch might have conceived,
stork-beaked and funnel-hatted - with his catch,
damned drunkards, writhing naked in his creel?
But that is not a faith revered today.

Hail, Nature!  See her uncaused grace displayed,
the random reed’s support, the vital lace
of duckweed tied, no doubt, in such a knot
as Man could scarce invent, like DNA,
self-organizing majesty, no God,
no man or thought involved, all-natural!

So there it stands, symbolic installation,
no sign of Man (except for that damned bottle).

---

I see the darnedest things.  (Blank verse again.)

[Achebe]

Can I say that your choice of title is most unfortunate? It's been giving me a laughing fit, thinking of the euphemistic possibilities.
I'll come back to this.

[Weeded]

My favorite thing about this piece is you looked at that hanging bottle and saw poetry. That in itself is a beautiful thing(if only more people perceived as you). For the poem itself, eh. I personally think you're telling more than showing, and kinda feel parts like "What did it mean?" and "Hail, Nature!" detract from the poems value. Also the sentence that starts on L3 has six commas in it. I mean I'm pretty sure you're allowed to do that but as the reader it's kinda halting to the progression, and makes it hard for me to want to continue with a poem thats making me pause so much for no apparent reason. I think this piece definitely deserves an edit for the sake of its content, and I might do with a title change too-- since you have a picture already you might be able to get away with somethin ambiguous. Nice job,
Mike

[Emz]

[Image: http://www.hostthenpost.org/uploads/dd45...e0aa25.jpg]

                      Hanging Bottle

Seen from the bank above a rushing creek,
this vision, serendipitous, appeared.
A headless reed arched, stronger than the rest,
and from its tip, knot naturally tied,
there dangled, by some random, weedy string,
a bottle left for dead, hung by the neck.

What did it mean?  A bottle hung like bait,
from some sly, tempting demon’s fishing-pole,
the sort of devil Bosch might have conceived,
stork-beaked and funnel-hatted - with his catch,
damned drunkards, writhing naked in his creel?
But that is not a faith revered today.

Hail, Nature!  See her uncaused grace displayed,
the random reed’s support, the vital lace
of duckweed tied, no doubt, in such a knot
as Man could scarce invent, like DNA,
self-organizing majesty, no God,
no man or thought involved, all-natural!

So there it stands, symbolic installation,
no sign of Man (except for that damned bottle).

---

I see the darnedest things.  (Blank verse again.)

I love the combination of picture and poetry. 

This poem is good, but I believe it could use some trimming. 

I would also recommend using active voice. It's not "hung by its neck", it's hanging by its neck. 

What does it mean? A bottle like bait.

I wouldn't capitalise "Man" in the third stanza (but that's just really nit-picky stuff).

Just a few thoughts and pointers. I hope this helps! I look forward to your next revision

[dukealien]

Thanks to all the critics.  This one may take a bit of time (and a few more hints?) to properly edit.  In the mean time...

@Achebe - Your further remarks will be very educational!  These little tidbits from different cultures are always fascinating... such as the old joke, "Add commas to the description of the wombat and you have [Australian] men:  'Eats roots and leaves."  (So do Australians fall about laughing when they hear the lyrics of "Take me out to the ball game?"  Inquiring minds want to know.)  Only beware honi soit qui mal y pense, as they say.

@Weeded - It will be interesting to see what that line looks like without (some of its) commas, and what can be done to reduce the preaching and abstractions in the third stanza.  Good critique of a lightweight poem - thanks!

@Emz - Glad you enjoyed it.  Will try "hanged by the neck" to make the execution reference clearer.  Perhaps a title change to "Hanged Bottle" would also turn off @Achebe's giggles?  Probably not   .  Trimming/combining some excess lines is a good idea.

[Erthona]

Hmmm,

I think I can explain, should anyone care. I have seem similar pictures from during the American depression when hobos would use whatever was at hand to make a fishing rig in order to catch a meal. The bottle, although quite large (depending on the prey) would act as a bobber. If you follow the twine upwards it is attached to a pole and downwards to what looks like something metallic that could be serving as a hook. Of course like men, all bottles want to be well hung, and that seems to be the case with this one.  


As this is in N-P-C I'll attempt brevity.

Here is an edit of the first stanza. I am not saying this is how it should be, I merely edit it this way to point out some possibly different options. I did leave out the "knot" pun altogether as it seemed somewhat out of place in this type of poem and more at home in a limerick or a doggerel. I know, I know. I have become far too attached to my own cleverness many times myself and oftentimes ruined an otherwise decent poem. The rest is about losing the immediacy of the image by over talking the image. As with most poetry words are at a premium (I should know as I am one of the most verbose poets around and usually need to trim 60% of the thing and then it is still twice too long). However, this poem starts out almost as an imagist poem, it reminds me very much of a H.D. poem about a pond (don't ask me the name, imagist were not favorites of mine, although I liked that one) and I think for the opening stanza that fits very well despite this is not an imagist or even a modernist poem. Please forgive me when I change word usage, I was trying to inject some rhythm into the the piece. Currently there is simply little to no rhythmical quality. As T. S. Elliot put it, referring to free verse "No verse is free." It doesn't need to be metered, but it does need to have some kind of underlying rhythm to it to be a poem, otherwise it is just prose maybe using some poetic troupes, with poetic lineation. There has to be a "beat", a pulse, or something that helps to energetically move the piece along.  

Anyway, I've already overrun my promise to be brief and I covered just the first stanza/verse.

Just to let you know, there is nothing personal, this is how I have critiqued for years. I am not attempting to be mean or harsh, I try only to point out what seems problematic. Please feel free to disregard anything I have said, and to consider me a deranged lunatic. I use to have something to that effect in my signature line, but me reduced how much could be put there so the warning got dropped. Maybe I should have a talk with Leanne. Oh yeah, here's the edit.


"The bank above a rushing creek*
a serendipitous vision appeared.
A headless reed—arching—
since from its tip strangely tied
by weedy string dangled  a bottle
left for dead
hung by the neck."

There was also a verb tense problem also I think.

The main problem is that breaking so that they more or less form a block do not a poem make.

*Personally I'd probably use "Walking by a rushing creek" as it creates a nice juxtaposition, but maybe it's a little to Longfellow, and I never have liked Longfellow

Best,

dale

[will]

Hey, first critique from a new member here, so forgive my trespasses.
I am struck by individual lines with your poem as much as I am by the full effect, which itself I like.
Reading aloud that third line jumped out for its rhythm and clarity “A headless reed arched, stronger than the rest” That just sounds so elegant, and even a comma before arched wouldn’t mess it up any. I’d respectfully disagree with Erthona’s edit there; the blank verse rhythm it too good to lose for me. And the poem does read aloud very well as it stands.
The next line that hits me is the second in the second stanza, the couplet works so well: the preceding line broken into two equal(ish) parts by the question mark and then the rush of “from some sly, tempting demon’s fishing-pole” It puts me in mind of bits of Browning with his rushes of speech in blank verse.
“Damned drunkards, writhing naked in his creel” gets that pause and rush effect into one line and that really works for me too.
On the downside, I absolutely agree with weeded that “What did it mean” and “Hail nature” clang a little: the first because it is too idiomatic in a poem that is not, the second because it feels overly declamatory (kinda by definition if you are gonna use the word “hail”) so we seem to veer into some Victorian grand manner for moment.
When I messed myself with the first line of those two phrases the possibilities that struck first were:
“and for meaning?” or
And the meaning?” or
“And a meaning?”
Or replace “and” with “but” in any of them
Though I make those suggestions very tentatively, based on the grounds that they allow the rhythm to work as it is.
Still above all it worked really well for me.

[dukealien]

Sincere thanks to all who have commented.  I've tried to apply all the good advice in Edit 1 (below and prepended at top of the original post).

- Title change, recommended by a clear majority; similarly LL7 and 13 altered to eliminate their antique/exclamatory aspects.

- The "knot" pun (uninteded, by the way) eliminated in S1, and much else shifted around.

- Lines @Emz and @will liked are preserved, with slight changes in punctuation to avoid multi-comma halting where appropriate.

@Erthona - Interesting thesis on genesis of the installation.  You may well be right; herons, egrets, and the odd kingfisher on that creek suggest presence of fish, though I've never spotted any in it (or hobos along it).  Thanks for your rewrite, also:  if recast as free verse, no stanza breaks would be required and it could well resemble what you suggest.

Question:  Is the final couplet/stanza needed?  I left it, for now, but only because I hate leaving the reader to think the preceding stanza was to be taken seriously.

Edit 1

                    Hanged Bottle

Seen from the bank above a rushing creek
this vision, serendipitous, appeared.
A headless reed arched stronger than the rest;
from its tip, tangled, naturally tied,
a bottle dangled by some random chance:
hanged, lynched by misadventure, left for dead.

The vision shifts:  this bottle strung as bait
from some sly, tempting demon’s fishing-pole,
the sort of devil Bosch might have conceived,
stork-beaked and funnel-hatted - with his catch,
damned drunkards, writhing naked in his creel.
But that is not a faith revered today.

Instead we worship nature’s uncaused grace:
the random reed’s support, the vital lace
of duckweed tied, no doubt, in such a knot
as men could not invent, like DNA -
self-organizing majesty, no God
or human thought involved, all-natural.

So there it stands, symbolic installation,
no sign of man (except for that damned bottle).

[Erthona]

"Question: Is the final couplet/stanza needed? I left it, for now, but only because I hate leaving the reader to think the preceding stanza was to be taken seriously."

Probably not unless you are trying to be imitative of the Romantic poets (Coleridge, Wordsworth, Shelly, et., al.). Of course they would have been more lyrical.

dale