Losing Track v.2 - was On Fear

[dukealien]

Edit2

Losing Track


As I drove west alone one deep-skied night,
My speed was seventy; old darkness ruled.
Conditionally wakeful:  coffee-fueled.
Ahead, three painted traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s low edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One reference track, or two, blanked frequently -
If three, I knew I’d get no chance to stop,
But run blind off the road too fast and drop,
Ditch-tripping, rolling, smashing fatally.

So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
Sustained, gut-loosening, helpless dread was worse.


Edit1; title change


Losing Track


As I drove west, alone, one black-skied night,
Conditionally wakeful, coffee-fueled,
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Headlit, three painted traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s rough edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably.
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One reference track, or two, blanked frequently -
If all, I knew I’d have no chance to stop,
But run mad off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tripping, rolling, crashing fatally.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, gut-loosening, locked-in dread was worse.


original version;

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night,
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled.
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One trace, or two, blanked periodically -
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop,
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse.

---

Typical of recent work, but this one lacks hoped-for intensity befitting the theme.  Why?  Robust criticism will be appreciated.

[Genuinebloke]

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night, Starless and moonless are different things, yet they feel redundant here
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled. Fear of all fears feels cliched
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled; Old darkness ruled is a nice line and would have more gravitas if the preceding lines were more subtle
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally, Is there a metaphor at play in these lines? It feels possible but ultimately comes across as a literal description
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled. When read altogether, this does not work as a single sentence, which is what the punctuation suggests it should be. In particular, "each guide-mark..." does not follow "unreliably,".

One trace, or two, blanked periodically - Are the traces road markings, blips on a hospital heart monitor, or both? I think it could be both but am not sure.
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop,
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop, I think the rhyme here detracts from the drama of the crash.
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically. Pedantic maybe, but is ditch-tumbling catastrophic? I know people die in such crashes and clearly you have had an experience yourself. However, from a storytelling viewpoint I would be expecting catastrophic to pair with something such as "tree-smashing", "overturning", "body crumpling" or some-such. 

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse: 
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse. Why indented? It feels like the rhyme has dictated the choice of curse and worse, rather than the poem's need.

---

Typical of recent work, but this one lacks hoped-for intensity befitting the theme.  Why?  Robust criticism will be appreciated.

Hi.
The line at the bottom mentions of the lack of intensity. For me, this is because the poem is not about fear - nor does it allude to fear sufficiently. As I read it, this is simply a poem about a driving at night, with an unfortunate end. Consequently, the title sets it up to be an anti-climax. My suggestions would be either: a) incorporate a greater element of fear throughout (easy suggestion I know, less easy to implement), or b) lower the expectations by changing the title and making the fear a sub-plot rather than the main event. 
Hope this helps!

[dukealien]

Robust critique, indeed!  Thank you very much for so many good observations.  The whole system of the poem (foreshadowing the final couplet in l.2 especially) is at odds with narration and a surprise "turn" in the couplet.  IIRC that was a late change - have to check my notes.  Grow the fear behind the reader's back rather than plunk it down in front of him and point to it.  As you said, subtlety.

Always knew there was something wrong with l.12 - "pedantic" describes it nicely.  More one- and two-syllable words needed for quickness.

It's a simile (not a metaphor) in l. 6-7, but whatever, it's not working.  More thesaurus, less dictionary!

And a title change .

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night, Starless and moonless are different things, yet they feel redundant here
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled. Fear of all fears feels cliched
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled; Old darkness ruled is a nice line and would have more gravitas if the preceding lines were more subtle
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally, Is there a metaphor at play in these lines? It feels possible but ultimately comes across as a literal description
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled. When read altogether, this does not work as a single sentence, which is what the punctuation suggests it should be. In particular, "each guide-mark..." does not follow "unreliably,".

One trace, or two, blanked periodically - Are the traces road markings, blips on a hospital heart monitor, or both? I think it could be both but am not sure.
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop,
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop, I think the rhyme here detracts from the drama of the crash.
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically. Pedantic maybe, but is ditch-tumbling catastrophic? I know people die in such crashes and clearly you have had an experience yourself. However, from a storytelling viewpoint I would be expecting catastrophic to pair with something such as "tree-smashing", "overturning", "body crumpling" or some-such. 

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse: 
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse. Why indented? It feels like the rhyme has dictated the choice of curse and worse, rather than the poem's need.

---

Typical of recent work, but this one lacks hoped-for intensity befitting the theme.  Why?  Robust criticism will be appreciated.

Hi.
The line at the bottom mentions of the lack of intensity. For me, this is because the poem is not about fear - nor does it allude to fear sufficiently. As I read it, this is simply a poem about a driving at night, with an unfortunate end. Consequently, the title sets it up to be an anti-climax. My suggestions would be either: a) incorporate a greater element of fear throughout (easy suggestion I know, less easy to implement), or b) lower the expectations by changing the title and making the fear a sub-plot rather than the main event. 
Hope this helps!

[billy]

i enjoyed your sonnet and had but a couple of nits. sorry for pointing out more than a couple but it's a good enough poem to deserve a proper read.
for me the first two line could do with a rethink as they could scare the reader away. solid rhyme abba bddb dccd ee  scheme; i did like the starlESS moonlESS darknESS but i think it would be worth forgoing these sonics for some scarier setting.  as i drove home one...yad yada yada....
great effort and worth the read.

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night, could a better image for black or empty be used instead of starless, moonless
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled. cliche
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled, no need for two unless roads only have 1, 3, or more edges.
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled. i really like the image of this verse and comparison to a heartbeat; possibly a broken one

One trace, or two, blanked periodically -
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop, couldn't or wouldn't?
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically. while the meter seems to be missing half a foot, i didn't notice but for counting [i read it as tum bling] though i can see it's not missing the half if read as [tumbaling]

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse. good couplet nice skid mark in the underpants.

---

Typical of recent work, but this one lacks hoped-for intensity befitting the theme.  Why?  Robust criticism will be appreciated.

[dukealien]

Thank you kindly!  Somewhere near the intersection of these critiques lies a good, scary poem (or anyway, a better, scarier one). 

And *another* thing wrong with l.12!  What was I thinking?

L.1, "As I drove home alone one yada night,"  (1 across, two syllables, for really dark...)  Much work ahead to crank this one into shape.

i enjoyed your sonnet and had but a couple of nits. sorry for pointing out more than a couple but it's a good enough poem to deserve a proper read.
for me the first two line could do with a rethink as they could scare the reader away. solid rhyme abba bddb dccd ee  scheme; i did like the starlESS moonlESS darknESS but i think it would be worth forgoing these sonics for some scarier setting.  as i drove home one...yad yada yada....
great effort and worth the read.

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night, could a better image for black or empty be used instead of starless, moonless
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled. cliche
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled, no need for two unless roads only have 1, 3, or more edges.
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled. i really like the image of this verse and comparison to a heartbeat; possibly a broken one

One trace, or two, blanked periodically -
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop, couldn't or wouldn't?
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically. while the meter seems to be missing half a foot, i didn't notice but for counting [i read it as tum bling] though i can see it's not missing the half if read as [tumbaling]

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse. good couplet nice skid mark in the underpants.

---

Typical of recent work, but this one lacks hoped-for intensity befitting the theme.  Why?  Robust criticism will be appreciated.

[dukealien]

Edited; title change


Losing Track


As I drove west, alone, one black-skied night,
Conditionally wakeful, coffee-fueled,
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Headlit, three painted traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s rough edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably.
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One reference track, or two, blanked frequently -
If all, I knew I’d have no chance to stop,
But run mad off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tripping, rolling, crashing fatally.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, gut-loosening, locked-in dread was worse.


original version;

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night,
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled.
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One trace, or two, blanked periodically -
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop,
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse.

Theme changed from lecture to narrative.  In several minds about l.10 - wouldn't stop, or couldn't?  Was not feeling suicidal, just wired (IIRC), but not sworn to be an honest witness.  Thanks again for critques past and future.

[Minu]

Edited; title change


Losing Track


As I drove west, alone, one black-skied night, - sort of cliché, is a night red or green? It's like saying a person has two arms, two legs and a head
Conditionally wakeful, coffee-fueled,
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled; - a repeat of the nightly aspect, not needed.
Headlit, three painted traces flickered white. - three? So three cars went by or an illusion?

Lines marked the road’s rough edges, reflex-jeweled, - contradicts itself, if it's a really rough country style road there'd be no lines. I've driven down a country "highway" road for two years, you guess the edge of the road and hope for the best half the time during the night.
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally, --- this does not really rhyme with unreliably and visa versa. It is too clunky and makes for a slowdown of the read.
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably. --- doesn't rhyme with centrally, and I'd hope both years & heartbeats are a bit regular. Otherwise leap-years are more common than I know and you may want to see that GP.
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled. - you're driving in the night. Unless there's street lights even car lights don't light up everything.

One reference track, or two, blanked frequently - --- again the rhyme is chunky with fatally. Needless if you rewrite stanza two to proper country / remote night driving.
If all, I knew I’d have no chance to stop, --- remove if all, it's a stumbling block in grammar and throws the reader off.
But run mad off the road at speed and drop, - remove but for the same reason
Ditch-tripping, rolling, crashing fatally. -- repetitive and the use of crashing is not needed for that reason. The sentence goes without say that the driver is crashing unless ditch tripping & rolling is a new mode of driving.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, gut-loosening, locked-in dread was worse. - same with the ditch tripping sentence. Too much of the same thing turns the line into a hand-holder. Get rid of sustained and locked in.


original version;

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night,
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled.
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One trace, or two, blanked periodically -
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop,
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse.

---

Typical of recent work, but this one lacks hoped-for intensity befitting the theme.  Why?  Robust criticism will be appreciated.

Maybe I am overthinking it, however, as said I have driven on these sorts of roads in the middle of the night. The poem carries the aspect but you've gone at it with a sledge hammer, trying to force the fear onto the reader instead of letting the reader find the fear themselves.

Take out some of the unnecessary heavy-handed words [black-skied night, crashing, sustained, locked-in, etc.] - read it out loud would definitely help you or have someone else read it out-loud.

[dukealien]

Edited; title change


Losing Track


As I drove west, alone, one black-skied night, - sort of cliché, is a night red or green? It's like saying a person has two arms, two legs and a head
Conditionally wakeful, coffee-fueled,
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled; - a repeat of the nightly aspect, not needed.
Headlit, three painted traces flickered white. - three? So three cars went by or an illusion?

Lines marked the road’s rough edges, reflex-jeweled, - contradicts itself, if it's a really rough country style road there'd be no lines. I've driven down a country "highway" road for two years, you guess the edge of the road and hope for the best half the time during the night.
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally, --- this does not really rhyme with unreliably and visa versa. It is too clunky and makes for a slowdown of the read.
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably. --- doesn't rhyme with centrally, and I'd hope both years & heartbeats are a bit regular. Otherwise leap-years are more common than I know and you may want to see that GP.
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled. - you're driving in the night. Unless there's street lights even car lights don't light up everything.

One reference track, or two, blanked frequently - --- again the rhyme is chunky with fatally. Needless if you rewrite stanza two to proper country / remote night driving.
If all, I knew I’d have no chance to stop, --- remove if all, it's a stumbling block in grammar and throws the reader off.
But run mad off the road at speed and drop, - remove but for the same reason
Ditch-tripping, rolling, crashing fatally. -- repetitive and the use of crashing is not needed for that reason. The sentence goes without say that the driver is crashing unless ditch tripping & rolling is a new mode of driving.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, gut-loosening, locked-in dread was worse. - same with the ditch tripping sentence. Too much of the same thing turns the line into a hand-holder. Get rid of sustained and locked in.


original version;

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night,
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled.
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One trace, or two, blanked periodically -
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop,
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse.

---

Typical of recent work, but this one lacks hoped-for intensity befitting the theme.  Why?  Robust criticism will be appreciated.

Maybe I am overthinking it, however, as said I have driven on these sorts of roads in the middle of the night. The poem carries the aspect but you've gone at it with a sledge hammer, trying to force the fear onto the reader instead of letting the reader find the fear themselves.

Take out some of the unnecessary heavy-handed words [black-skied night, crashing, sustained, locked-in, etc.] - read it out loud would definitely help you or have someone else read it out-loud.

Thanks for the very thorough critique!  It appears I may have to make the (postponed) decision whether to rewrite as plain action/narrative, or stick with the sonnet form - which may simply be inappropriate for the subject.  My attempts to jazz it up a bit seem to have merely added repetition and filler.  Serious rethink required:  every word should *need* to be there.

(The location, by the way, was the Interstate west of Tuscaloosa, AL.)

[DeakinDeakin]

Hi there  I enjoyed your poem and have shared comments below. 

'old darkness ruled' is a powerful and evocative phrase.  This is the strongest line in the first stanza and outperforms the first two lines

'road's rough edges' perhaps lacks imagination and maybe the language could be changed to be more impactful.  camber is a more interesting word than edges, for example

the expression 'ditch-tripping' in the new version is superior to 'ditch tumbling' I think.

The impact of indenting the final stanza is that the reader ponders the statement for longer.  I am unsure of whether this is the intention, however it does serve to give emphasis to the conclusion albeit I was perhaps distracted from the language by wondering about the purpose of indentation.

I prefer the new version to the old.

Best regards, Deakin

[dukealien]

Hi there  I enjoyed your poem and have shared comments below. 

'old darkness ruled' is a powerful and evocative phrase.  This is the strongest line in the first stanza and outperforms the first two lines

'road's rough edges' perhaps lacks imagination and maybe the language could be changed to be more impactful.  camber is a more interesting word than edges, for example

the expression 'ditch-tripping' in the new version is superior to 'ditch tumbling' I think.

The impact of indenting the final stanza is that the reader ponders the statement for longer.  I am unsure of whether this is the intention, however it does serve to give emphasis to the conclusion albeit I was perhaps distracted from the language by wondering about the purpose of indentation.

I prefer the new version to the old.

Best regards, Deakin

Thanks for the read, critique, and kind words.  And now to quadrangulate amongst the critiques (quritiques?) - trying to save what was unobjectionable or judged good by all, fix that to which there were only  objections, and decide what to do where both apply

[dukealien]

Second edit, see updated initial post for edit trail.

Tried to implement as much as possible of the fine criticism received, while clinging doggedly to the sonnet form.  

@Minu's suggestions were therefore most difficult to apply since they would have required removing about one word in three and a number of lines:  the sonnet demands, not a set number of words, but of syllables and lines.  I have tried to get into their spirit by replacing repetition with variety, word change on line 1, etc..

Former line 3 flipped to line 2 since it was admired by some; moving it all the way up to line 1 would require revamp of the whole rhyme scheme, but perhaps that is necessary:  feedback on this point would be welcome.

Missing punctuation in some lines is intentional, to speed the read.  Does this work, or just look amateur?

Non-bumping edit (2.01?) - changed "lost" to "blind" in line 11 - just for the record. (g)

Edit2


Losing Track


As I drove west alone one deep-skied night,
My speed was seventy; old darkness ruled.
Conditionally wakeful:  coffee-fueled.
Ahead, three painted traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s low edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One reference track, or two, blanked frequently -
If three, I knew I’d get no chance to stop,
But run blind off the road too fast and drop,
Ditch-tripping, rolling, smashing fatally.

So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
Sustained, gut-loosening, helpless dread was worse.