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[Badatpoetry101]

You can stare at me hatefully
Willing for my demise.

I will be sleeping peacefully
No matter your web of lies.

You can lie in (your?) bed
Seeing movies you've (you have?) yet to see.

(Mean?)While I (am?) will be  wed
To Lily, who is close to me.

Feel free to say goodbye (or bid?) farewell
(However?) I know there is nothing left to tell.

Oh the things in parentheses are what I am considering adding in place ofthe word next to it or have considered adding. I do not know I put them their as a place holder.

Thanksgiving was pretty great then I got shitty news. It's funny in the sense that if you don't laugh about it you might as well cry. Tch Sucks to suck. Also how do I signature on here?

[billy]

To change your signature, go to the User CP and select Change Signature from the sidebar menu.

first off sorry for the shitty news, though that isn't/shouldn't betaken into account for the reader. they should either see it in the poem or not see it.
for me a poem like this [your poem] would improve with brevity it feels like it almost rhymes i'm not sure how to take the double meaning within the poem.

great to see you put something after your feedback

You can stare at me hatefully
Willing for my demise.

I will be sleeping peacefully
No matter your web of lies. these lines are short, try and give an image via simile or metaphor

You can lie in (your?) bed
Seeing movies you've (you have?) yet to see.

(Mean?)While I (am?) will be  wed
To Lily, who is close to me.

Feel free to say goodbye (or bid?) farewell
(However?) I know there is nothing left to tell.


Thanksgiving was pretty great then I got shitty news. It's funny in the sense that if you don't laugh about it you might as well cry. Tch Sucks to suck. Also how do I signature on here?

[Badatpoetry101]

Ahh the news has nothing to do with the poem. It (news) was just on my mind had to get it out of mind. Does that make sense?

---

Oh the things in parentheses are what I am considering adding in place ofthe word next to it or have considered adding. I do not know I put them their as a place holder.

[Achebe]

I know "web of lies" is there primarily to rhyme with "demise" but there still needs to be a reason for using that cliche. For instance, the "other" could be a personified by a spider waiting for you to die in its web (the metaphorical lies). And you, an ineffective prey sleeping peacefully instead of struggling.

That might also be what billy was alluding to by "image/simile"

[billy]

back to your drawing board. i didn't realize why the parentheses

You can stare at me hatefully
Willing for my demise. brevity is a suggestion

I will be sleeping peacefully
No matter your web of lies. web of lies is a common phrase, a way round it would be to remove [of lies]

You can lie in (your?) bed i think your works seeing as he's being told to piss off
Seeing movies you've (you have?) yet to see. i'd go with you have which places more emphasis on you

(Mean?)While I (am?) will be  wed meanwhile i'll be wed
To Lily, who is close to me.

Feel free to say goodbye (or bid?) farewell either feel a bit weak
(However?) I know there is nothing left to tell.

Oh the things in parentheses are what I am considering adding in place ofthe word next to it or have considered adding. I do not know I put them their as a place holder.

Thanksgiving was pretty great then I got shitty news. It's funny in the sense that if you don't laugh about it you might as well cry. Tch Sucks to suck. Also how do I signature on here?