The Red Balloon (Revision Formerly: What Must Come)

[Todd]

Revision 3

One day, it will slip
Am I wrong
for not tying the string
in an angry burn
around your wrist?

There will soon be another
slip: that solemn face,
those cold lips pressed
against your cheek.
Even in the heat

of new love, you’ll wonder
why the moonlight lies
on your skin like a bleaching stain,
why your fingertips remain icy—
why you shiver uncontrollably.

On that day, you’ll learn
what I already know.
I cannot protect you
from being alone.
~~~


Revision 2


The Red Balloon

One day, it will slip
from your fingers—
as it slipped from mine,
as it has from every child.
Am I wrong
for not tying the string
in an angry burn
around your wrist?

One day, you will feel.
another slip: that solemn face,
those cold lips pressed
against your cheek.
Even in the heat
of new love, you’ll wonder
why the moonlight lies
on your skin like a bleaching stain,
why your fingertips remain icy—
that you shiver uncontrollably.

On that day, you’ll learn
what I already know.
I cannot protect you
from being alone.

~~~


Revision

The Red Balloon

One day, it will slip
from your fingers—
as it slipped from mine,
as it has from every child
ever born.
Am I wrong
for not tying the string
in an angry burn
around your wrist?

One day, it will also slip.
That solemn face,
those cold lips pressed
against your cheek.
Even in the heat
of new love, you’ll wonder
why the moonlight lies
on your skin like a bleaching stain,
why your fingertips remain icy—
that you shiver uncontrollably.

On that day, you’ll learn
what I already know.
I cannot protect you
from being alone.

~~~

What Must Come (original)

One day, the red balloon
will slip from your fingers—
as it slipped from mine,
as it has from every child
ever born.
Am I wrong
for not tying the string tight
in an angry circle, a burn
around your wrist?

One day, you won’t even hear
her words, as if spoken from
a great distance across a chasm.
You’ll remember a solemn face,
cold lips pressed against your cheek.
Years later in the heat of new love,
you’ll wonder why your fingertips remain icy,
that you shiver uncontrollably.

In that moment, you’ll find yourself
standing on the moist, frost-covered earth
the ground stained by the kills
of a solitary owl screeching
its plaintive cry.

On that day, you’ll learn
what I already know.
I cannot protect you
from being alone.

[billy]

One day, the red balloon
will slip from your fingers—
as it slipped from mine,
as it has from every child
ever born.
Am I wrong
for not tying the string tight
in an angry circle, a burn
around your wrist?

One day, you won’t even hear
her words, as if spoken from
a great distance across a chasm.
You’ll remember a solemn face,
cold lips pressed against your cheek.
Years later in the heat of new love,
you’ll wonder why your fingertips remain icy,
that you shiver uncontrollably.

In that moment, you’ll find yourself
standing on the moist, frost-covered earth
the ground stained by the kills
of a solitary owl screeching
its plaintive cry.

On that day, you’ll learn
what I already know.
I cannot protect you
from being alone.

for me, the resignation that the child must grow is strong in the poem.
though the telling of it feels a little weak.
the last two stanza work well and create the point point well.

i think the 1st stanza takes to long to say what it does, this part though is powerful;
Am I wrong
for not tying the string tight
in an angry circle, a burn
around your wrist? for me this is where the poem should begin.
or with a short lead in line like;
lost red balloons or
lost balloons
Am I wrong
for not tying the string tight
in an angry circle, a burn
around your wrist?

i think with an edit you'll have a really good write here todd. (jmo)
thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

I'll look into the pacing on S1 (and S2 for that matter). Thanks for your feedback on what worked and didn't work for you. It's a first draft so I expected there would be things to work on.

I do appreciate the comments they are helpful.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

just please don't take them as right lol.

[Todd]

They are only right if they turn out to be otherwise they're not lol

It's okay Billy I appreciate all critique but don't worry I don't always follow it.

[lizzyrose12]

When I was a kid, I had a nightmare about a red balloon and a clown. The first verse of this poem reminded me of that dream.

Haha, but in all seriousness, great poem. I feel it was about a love that slipped away and you can't quite forget her. I could be wrong, but this is what I got from it. It had some really beautiful parts to it. It also seemed a bit cliche at parts, but it fit. So thanks for the poem! I liked it a lot!

[Todd]

Liz, thank you for your comments.

Much appreciated,

Todd

[Todd]

Made some large revisions, changed the title. I agreed with Billy's comments to get to the action sooner I had eliminated the lines

as it has from every child
ever born.

But put them back in when I didn't think it was conveying enough. Better? Worse?

[billy]

for me every child ever born

isn't it a given that every child was born (way or another? )

how bout just removing the "ever born"
it being their doesn't cause any problems as such but for me it's a little tighter with it.
the rest of the first verse works great for me

One day, it will also slip. i falter a little here todd. would it read better as;
One day, when it does slip. the also in the line makes me thing it's already slipped once.

after that it feels really tight.

i like the way you worked on the poem todd. i don't see the changes as anything major but for me the piece is a lot tighter now and gets too the point in a more solid way. i'm always glad when a writer doesn't blindly follow another's critique or feedback. i know it's something used to do. (i try as much as possible now to equate if what they advise is what i really want) often i would assume that they were better writers than me. which is never a good thing to do

an extremely good portrayal of how to do an edit. thanks as usual.

[Todd]

Billy,

Thank you for the comments. I agree with you on cutting ever born. Also, I monkeyed around with the other line you called out for about 30 minutes today. After reading your comments I made another change...I think it works. What do you think?

Also, I grew up I think in the same hard-knocks poetry school as you did. I used to change things at almost any comment after awhile you learn to be able to take good advice (even recognizing good advice can be a godsend) and still pass on what doesn't work.

Thanks again,

Todd

[billy]

for me it works really well.

i wouldn't alter it from the state it's at. that said maybe someone else will have a different view lol.

nice edits todd